Yes - should have mentioned. He's read SAA, HNHN, Private Lies, and a book called something like "How Can I Forgive You".
I'm feeling very defeated. Yes, I deserve to feel like sh*t because I did the worst thing anyone could ever do to the one person they are supposed to protect from pain. It's extremely painful for me too, but I am sort of afraid to admit it. I assume most people will say that I don't have the right to say it's painful, because no matter how much I hurt (and I do) it does not compare in any way to the hurt he feels. I know this.
I should also say that even though we are meeting ENs, avoiding LBs, lately there have been times where I'm meeting an EN, and he gets annoyed. For example - in the morning, his routine is very specific and there is no room for any error. He leaves about 45 minutes before I do, so one morning when he was running very very late, I hung out in the kitchen so that when he was about to step out, I would be right there to give him a goodbye kiss. I didn't want to be upstairs brushing my teeth or in the middle of putting pants on, so I waited for him in the kitchen. He was annoyed and thought I was hovering, nagging. I just didn't want to miss a goodbye kiss. Then, a few days later, I'm driving home and it's raining so hard I can barely see. When I got to our house, it looked like it was about to come down again, and so I drove to the train station to pick him up. So he wouldnt' have to stand in the rain, while the train passed and he could cross the tracks to the car. I arrived, I called to let him know I was there, and he didn't answer his cell. When he got off the train, I tried to get his attention but failed. So we ended up getting home at the exact same time. I told him why, and he was annoyed that I was "spying" on him. (The train is a very sensitive thing for me because that's where he met his "OW" even though really nothing happened between them. But he was developing feelings for her, that's for sure, and yes, I get a bit paranoid about the fact that he may see her anytime he's on the train.) After both instances, I felt like an idiot. I'm trying to do something nice for him, and he's irritated. Not good.
