Zen,

About her wanting to be your "friend"...While I agree that it's a nutty wayward thing to think, I can see where it doesn't seem far fetched to Coho. I'll tell you why. Weren't you and she friends with her ExH? You were just invited to his birthday party in fact. You were the OM in his marriage. It makes sense to Coho to be friends because it's happened in her life before. See?

I understand that it's a very hurtful thing for her to say, and I'm sorry that you are dealing with that. I just wanted to see if I could provide some clarity for you on part of why that seems acceptable to her...The other part of why is because she is in full blown wayward mode, which of course defies all logic and reason...

Mrs. W

Zen--can you arrange it so that all communication is done through the attorneys?

I probably could. I think I'll try my hand at some self-control first.

I'm almost overwhelmed paying bills, keeping the house clean, being a father, working on the divorce and working on my job. I don't have time to listen to her nonsense, it really sets me back. I'll try a very strong ignore button.

ITA with Mrs W.

It really makes sense that Coho would expect you to be friends because you and she were friends with her exBh. You have had so many years of wrong thinking, and I am I am so glad that you are seeing that this is wrong thinking, and that you cannot handle this. You are learning, grasshopper! LOL.

You know you cannot change your WS or make her do the right thing.

Zen, you can only change YOU.

I really think you are starting to get the MB principals, and hopefully will be able to apply this to your future.

I believe that Plan B/D is the way for you to go right now.

No contact with Coho. It only hurts you and makes you crazy.

Just step back, take care of the kids, pay the bills, work, and concentrate on that for now.

You need to get thru this and heal. I am so glad to see you getting lots of support here.

Keep up the good work, and don't respond to Coho. You must set your boundaries with her visitation with the children, and then go as dark as you can.

Do you have anyone that would be an intermediary? Perhaps her mom?

Best wishes,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Uuuuuugh. Still feeling the nastiness of that email exchange. It just digs up everything! All the good feelings about moving forward, the resolve gets buried in a mountain of helplessness and sorrow and anger. The anger is extraordinary! The I have been venting like crazy to her, but I never really let loose. Well, I did a little. It doesn't do anything. It's like yelling at a wall. Except this wall can say little tiny things that extremely hurtful. The wall doesn't even want to be hurtful because they're scared to death of your activities in the legal department, but the wall is so lost in fog, almost everything that comes out is hurtful.

I must return to the vow of silence. I'm just torturing myself. After using so much self-control for so long in this, it's very hard to not allow yourself to just lose control. There is no other option but to remain in control. Just bear it and process it and wake up the next day and do it again. This sucks.

Zen, you obviously KNOW and have accepted the way your marriage began. I see no reason that people continually see fit to drag you through the mud over this. I would fully suggest making extensive use of the ignore feature that MB provides.

That being said, distance yourself from this woman. Plan B and then Plan D her. She is not worthy of your love and tears. Stop torturing yourself and you will begin to find peace.

Mrs. M gave you some good advice. I also know that others are advising you off board. Keep seeking them out.

Zen, did you have another email exchange after you said you were putting her on ignore or is this the same exchange?

If you don't think you can summon the willpower to Plan B while wating for D, then please let the lawyers do the talking!

AMEN to that!

Don't buy in to the drama. Step back and think about what is healthiest for you and your children... before you respond in any way, shape or form. Step back and don't react, don't play that game.

If you are truly serious about this, you have to look as good as you can, because your childrens' security and future depend on this, on you, on YOUR actions.

Set your priorities, and take the high road, ALWAYS.

If you keep getting sucked into the drama, it can make you look pretty bad.

Focus on your kids right now. What is best for them? I think a daddy with a calm demeanor, and a clear head, is best, don't you?

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I agree, 100%. Calm cool and collected. Thanks everyone.

Aaaaaaah, today is much better! Sunny, mowed the lawn, pulled some weeds, pretty close to done with the attorney, listening to Neil Young. I could get used to this. This is going to be an epic summer, no matter what. BBQ, road trips, rivers, forests, sunshine.

...and a trip to New Zealand in November with my dad and my brother! I'll pick your brain on sites to see, Lil.

Hey there Zen!

Good to hear that you had a nice day today - makes all the difference, doesn't it?

I just have to say that from the WS camp I think you did a bang-up job for yourself and your family. That Coho choose not to see that or accept it is on HER. You already knew this but it bears repeating...time and time again.

Warm thoughts to you...

We doing a 12 day south island tour in July (detail to come) We are hiring a motorhome and taking DD12 gold panning, sight seeing, snow playing, glacier watching, looking at a penguin hospital, a castle, maybe (hopefully ) going to do a day trip to Stewart island, jet boat riding, mineral pools, a bit more gold panning.....

I'll tell you what was good when we get back.

North Island is easy, I have lived in almost every region

She hasn't been served yet? If not expect her to come back at you with the "one last try, and how much I love you story" You have to steel yourself. I so wish your marriage would have worked out, but no such luck. You have to stop contact with her, so you build up your courage when she comes at you with this.

Zen: I'm here...I'm back...I'm with you my brother! Steve McGhandi! You know who I am. Starting a new thread soon on GQII

Take care...LG (D)

T/J...

Got room for a crazy American, her H, two kids, and a dog?

End T/J


(((((Zen)))))

Hey Zen,

Rise and shine buddy.

Just checking in on you to see how you were doing today, kids ok, etc.?

Hope it's as pretty where you are as it is in DC, first really clear day we have had in what seems like weeks.....

SWW

Hey SWW, I'm in Portland, Oregon and we've had about three days of awesome weather. Yesterday was in the 70s and clear as a bell. Spent the day with my brother and then a BBQ into the evening with many old friends and amazing food. The kiddos really enjoy BBQs, so it was a good time to be with adults for me, good social time for them too.

I've had some pretty good days in a row. Saw WW yesterday during the kid exchange and she just looke pale and stressed. The interaction was pleasant but I kept all business.

My 95 year old grandma is dying so I think this week will be surrounded with family as we deal with this sad but strangley peaceful epiosode. She's comfortable and knows it's her time. She's surrounded by her children which is wonderful.

I had the kids call Coho for mother's day today and she called back thanking me and crying.

The kids and I took her son to the movies and lunch today. It was really nice to see him, he's a really sweet 14 year old. I asked what he knew about Coho and me. He gave me the Coho version which was pretty light on facts. I'm going to talk to his father about what I will tell him. I think he knows his mom is the one going off the deep end here. He just seems aware of it. I kept detecting anger that she had not made much effort to spend time with him too, which really sucks. He called her this morning for Mother's day, but was upset at how short the conversation was. The selfishness knows no bounds. The guilt knows no bounds.

Mowing the lawn in the sunshine again. Nothing much going on. I think we'll be able to serve papers and the settlement offer by the end of the week. I'm excited to get it done.