This thread saved our sanity yesterday when we ran out of gas and had to wait for roadside assistance!

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe they were cardboard! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers!"

Women are cold until the end!


The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't
well.. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those b$&ches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.



For several minutes they sat silently.



Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."



"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."



The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.



Then he blushed.



The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.



Minutes passed and thegirl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."



"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."



The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.



Then he blushed.



And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch..



After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."



"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."



The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.



Then he blushed.



The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.



"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."



The young man glanced down with a furled brow.



"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."



"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.



"Aye," said the lad, nodding.



The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.



Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

*Gold Watch*

A boss to a retiree:

"As a symbol of our gratitude, we have created this special gold watch to serve as a reminder of your many years with the company. It needs a lot of winding up, is always a little late, and every day at quarter to five, it stops working."

MISINTREPRETATIONS OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS

~ I remember my father-in-law loved to sing "The Old Rubber Cross."

~ When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."

~ When I was a child, I learned this prayer as "Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I always thought that was God's real name.

~ When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.

~ My mother spent her early childhood praying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes."

~ My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"

~ I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread."

~ When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.

~ I was a little girl when we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up."

~ When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."

today'sTHOT============================

Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.

=======================================

To My Child,

Good morning, this is GOD.

Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If you encounter a situation you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (Something For God To Do) box. It will be addressed in MY TIME, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it nor remove it. Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem. If it is a situation you think you are capable of handling, please consult me in prayer to be sure that it is the proper resolution. Because I do not sleep, nor do I slumber, there is no need for you to lose any sleep. Please rest my child.

If you need to contact me, I am only a prayer away. My prayer line is open 24 hours of your day. I love you and will always be with you wherever you may go. As with all good things, pass my message on.

Love, GOD

today'sTHOT============================

Everybody wants to get to Heaven, but nobody wants to die.

=======================================

Flick, have you been Open & Honest with LIL? Does she know about these things?

Do we need to have some exposure?

:crosseyedcrazy: Just kidding...you do know that, don't you? :crosseyedcrazy:

Funny. I think I'll go post that on MB. Oh, wait.

Flick

An engaged woman, a mistress and a wife of 18 years are sitting one morning having coffee and talking about their relationships. In order to add a little spice to their respective relationships they all agree to wear a black leather bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that night and meet again the next day to share what had happened.

The next day the engaged woman says "My fiance came home, saw me in the black leather bodice, stiletto heels and mask and said, you are the woman of my dreams, I love you, then we made love all night long".

The mistress says,"I met my lover at his office wearing the black leather bodice, stiletto heels and mask and an raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word and we made love all night long".

Then the wife has to share her story. "When my husband came home I was wearing the black leather bodice, stiletto heels, black stockings and the mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner Batman?"

today'sFUNNY===========================

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM--TENNESSEE STYLE

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,

Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls, they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

*Needle Manners*

While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.

"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"

I don't know why, but this one made me think of LG....

*Baby Growth*

Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.

After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."

My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point, could contain himself no longer.

"How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!"

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'..

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that........ Ralph was too tired.'