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#2259801 05/12/09 02:49 PM
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Well, I just returned from work and it was waiting for me in the mailbox. I didn't know what it would say, but I read it. It is from my XWH, who is now incarcerated waiting for a bond hearing. Btw, we've been divorced for 5 years and he immediately married his pregnant ow after it was final. Day after in fact. Many old timers here know of my struggles, how it was so hard and difficult for quite some time..how my heart was in pain, the financial difficulties, the simply living day to day and having an in-your face WS who was probably one of the worst ever seen on MB. He was a ceo (still is) and thought he was untouchable..above all powers including the law and God.
Here is the letter:
Warning. If you cry easy, get some tissue. And if you have an embittered WS, please print this out and let he/she read this. For this will be THEM and how they will feel after the newness of their affair ends and the destruction of their life as they knew it is revealed to them in time. Please pray for my XH if you can.
______

Dear Peachy,
Please bear with me throughout this letter. I'm not sure where all my words will come from, God has been working hard on me and you have been on my heart and in my daily prayers. I pray Peach, that one day you will be able to fully forgive me for all the pain I have caused in your life. The Bible teaches us we can't live in the past and we need to live in the present. God also teaches us that we are to love and protect our family as he loves us. Peach, you are a part of my family and always will be. God put us together so we could have our miracle child and I should always love and respect you.

I continually glance at the past, while being here only to realize how prideful and disrespectful of a man I had become. It was a gradual growth that progressed even prior to our marriage. As my income and assumed authority rose, so did my self importance, smugness, and prideful attitude, it grew til it and I along with it, was out of control. I now know that it was this attitude and way of life is what destroys relationships faster than anything. Peach, please, please pray with me that God will allow you to fully forgive me by removing all of the past, my thoughtless acts and works from your mind, healing all the scars I've caused you.

I've been doing a great deal of reading and learning over the past month, none of it would have been possible if I weren't in here. I honestly believe that this is God's will and that greatness will come from my experience. I am learning how to love for the first time in my life. I should have taken the initiative years ago with you and hate that I've allowed your hurt to fester this long.

I'm making you a promise from now on Peach. It will not matter who is right or wrong in the future, I will start focusing on your feelings and not the facts. I will truly listen to how you feel, no longer be defensive, try to understand your position even when I may disagree. I will be more sensitive to your feelings and attack the problem, not you. I will make every effort to cooperate and no longer speak so abrasively to you. I am sorry for not being able to have told you in advance what W/xow and I had been going thru. Communication, especially concerning personal issues ws not our strength, something I will work hard on changing.

God has been and is helping me change my life. I already wasted too many years. One of the books I've read is "Purpose Driven Life". It is a must for you and BF both. I hope to get to know your bf in the future and have been so happy for you. It's an amazing book and will do wonders for your relationships (WS talking there imho still). It will do wonders for your character building , understanding of God's word, and teach you how to love properly. I can't get enough of it and it's also the primary tool I'm using to earn your future respect and that of others too and helping me be able to love and forgive.

I've been listening to 91 fm, the Christian radio station alot. Stephen Curtis Chapman's song that was sung at our wedding "I Will Be Here" still stirs my emotions every time I hear it. I was not that man, but Jesus is, was then, and always should be the one you think of when you hear the words--"I will be here, to cry on my shoulders, I will hold you, to watch you grow in beauty, I will be true to the promise that I made"...He's with you and will be there forever. I'm sorry that I never was (this is when I began crying nonstop). Please forgive me.

I have so much more that I would enjoy sharing and including you in on, but hope to do it in person as soon as God is finished with me in here. Thanks you so much for your support and getting along with W/xow. It gives me great encouragement, reinforces my faith and belief that all things are possible for those who believe. I hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day.

Thank you again and I love you in Christ,
xh

Last edited by justpeachy08; 05/12/09 02:50 PM.

God's got a great sense of humor!
XH: WS extroidinaire..remarried ow 1 day after divorce (1/1/04); been cheating on ow/w since day 1 and they are in process of divorcing
Me: thirtysomething, baseball mom of a 10 y.o. DS, happy, moved on. Should be engaged to wonderful guy any day now. Currently reading HNHN together. Building a foundation on truth, love, and family \:\)
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This is my hope that from my family's and my marriage's demise, yours can be renewed and restored.

When it became painfully clear to me that I would have to divorce my xh, I prayed that God would use me, use this brokenness to heal others, so that others could learn from what happened to us, for we were the pefect couple seemingly..until he let the world and his pride get in the way.

Please let your WS read this..for this will be their fate. They will be one day looking in from the outside of what was once their family. They will lose what is most precious to them, even if what they are involved in for the moment is or seems fun or exciting. That wears off. It always does.

Wishing all here the best. For fighting for your family, for what is right, for healing MAKES YOU A MB SUCCESS story..regardless of the outcome being either divorce or reconciliation.

My x is remarried. Yes, he totally screwed up with that. And I'm moved on, happily now in a relationship headed towards marriage. But knowing NONE of this EVER had to happen, is what hurts. But I think it hurts now my x more.



God's got a great sense of humor!
XH: WS extroidinaire..remarried ow 1 day after divorce (1/1/04); been cheating on ow/w since day 1 and they are in process of divorcing
Me: thirtysomething, baseball mom of a 10 y.o. DS, happy, moved on. Should be engaged to wonderful guy any day now. Currently reading HNHN together. Building a foundation on truth, love, and family \:\)
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He has been such an extraordinary jerk that I wonder how much of this is truly a life change and how much of it is temporary regret that he has been put in 'time out'.

It would be wonderful if he could live it. However, if he just wrote those pretty words to sway your heart and soften you up, it would be a crying shame.

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I just am going to do what I feel to do and forgive him. That's it. Nothing more. No reason to soften me up..we've been over for years now.

I just hope this will help others..let other WS see what they will become if they let pride and a shadow relationship (an affair) cloud and rule their judgement.


God's got a great sense of humor!
XH: WS extroidinaire..remarried ow 1 day after divorce (1/1/04); been cheating on ow/w since day 1 and they are in process of divorcing
Me: thirtysomething, baseball mom of a 10 y.o. DS, happy, moved on. Should be engaged to wonderful guy any day now. Currently reading HNHN together. Building a foundation on truth, love, and family \:\)
Joined: Feb 2002
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It really will require years for him 2 show by example that he's a changed man.

Actions speak, words don't.

great 2 hear YOUR update, though!

-ol' 2long

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I agree 2Long. Completely.

What is important is in SEVEN YEARS this man has not shown one ounce of repentance until now. No asking for forgiveness. No remorse. I hope he's found God and that he will do what it takes to make his present marriage work (despite its beginnings) for the sake of my child and his child.

My life's been good...because God's been good!

I could have never gotten to the place I am today were it not for my MB friends. You all are absolutely amazing.

Do hope that the BS's here will show this to their WS. I want them to see what can happen and how it will feel AFTER the newness of the shadow relationship (what I call an affair) wears off.


God's got a great sense of humor!
XH: WS extroidinaire..remarried ow 1 day after divorce (1/1/04); been cheating on ow/w since day 1 and they are in process of divorcing
Me: thirtysomething, baseball mom of a 10 y.o. DS, happy, moved on. Should be engaged to wonderful guy any day now. Currently reading HNHN together. Building a foundation on truth, love, and family \:\)
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Peach - didn't this guy hide money from you so he wouldn't have to pay up? I can see the crocodile tears from here.

Let him give you REAL JUSTICE - then his words may mean something.

Originally Posted by Bite the Peach
The Bible teaches us we can't live in the past and we need to live in the present. God also teaches us that we are to love and protect our family as he loves us.

Gotta love him wrapping up his sermon in religious jargon. He has the AUDACITY to tell you to just ger over it????

BITE THE PEACH

(((Peachy)))


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
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Quote
I've been doing a great deal of reading and learning over the past month, none of it would have been possible if I weren't in here. ...... I am learning how to love for the first time in my life.


Is your XH in jail? If so, that statement is a little strange.

Interesting how he doesn't want you to get over the past - he wants you to completely erase it.

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I think you should be grateful for his words.

But I would trust these words more if they were followed up with him giving you the money he cheated from you. Christ expected Zacchaeus to give back the money he had stolen. And this example have been the teaching in the Christian churches since then. Christ expects action to follow after declarations.

I will warn you now not to let him get under your skin again. Don't invest romantic feelings in this man. He belongs in your past.

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IMO he's still very self involved and has the audacity to try and take a morally superior position above you.

Quote
Peach, please, please pray with me that God will allow you to fully forgive me by removing all of the past, my thoughtless acts and works from your mind, healing all the scars I've caused you.


Be wary.

Quote
It's an amazing book and will do wonders for your relationships.


:MrEEk:


Quote
It will do wonders for your character building



.... just "wow"

Quote
and teach you how to love properly


rotflmao

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I'm with Pep. I saw passive agressive swipes all over the place.

I'm also with 2long. Words are nothing...they blow away in the wind. Continous actions are the only way this man has to make a lasting impression on anyone now.

I think you are wondermous, Peach...always have and always will.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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Originally Posted by justpeachy08
I agree 2Long. Completely.

What is important is in SEVEN YEARS this man has not shown one ounce of repentance until now. No asking for forgiveness. No remorse. I hope he's found God and that he will do what it takes to make his present marriage work (despite its beginnings) for the sake of my child and his child.

Do hope that the BS's here will show this to their WS. I want them to see what can happen and how it will feel AFTER the newness of the shadow relationship (what I call an affair) wears off.

I believe he is broken. God has broken him. Its a legitimate, heart felt letter...Going w/ your life, but know the guy has deep regret and remorse(AS HE SHOULD!)....DUDE

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Originally Posted by justpeachy08
Well, I just returned from work and it was waiting for me in the mailbox. I didn't know what it would say, but I read it. It is from my XWH, who is now incarcerated waiting for a bond hearing. Btw, we've been divorced for 5 years and he immediately married his pregnant ow after it was final. Day after in fact. Many old timers here know of my struggles, how it was so hard and difficult for quite some time..how my heart was in pain, the financial difficulties, the simply living day to day and having an in-your face WS who was probably one of the worst ever seen on MB. He was a ceo (still is) and thought he was untouchable..above all powers including the law and God.
Here is the letter:
Warning. If you cry easy, get some tissue. And if you have an embittered WS, please print this out and let he/she read this. For this will be THEM and how they will feel after the newness of their affair ends and the destruction of their life as they knew it is revealed to them in time. Please pray for my XH if you can.
______

Dear Peachy,
Please bear with me throughout this letter. I'm not sure where all my words will come from, God has been working hard on me and you have been on my heart and in my daily prayers. I pray Peach, that one day you will be able to fully forgive me for all the pain I have caused in your life. The Bible teaches us we can't live in the past and we need to live in the present. God also teaches us that we are to love and protect our family as he loves us. Peach, you are a part of my family and always will be. God put us together so we could have our miracle child and I should always love and respect you.

I continually glance at the past, while being here only to realize how prideful and disrespectful of a man I had become. It was a gradual growth that progressed even prior to our marriage. As my income and assumed authority rose, so did my self importance, smugness, and prideful attitude, it grew til it and I along with it, was out of control. I now know that it was this attitude and way of life is what destroys relationships faster than anything. Peach, please, please pray with me that God will allow you to fully forgive me by removing all of the past, my thoughtless acts and works from your mind, healing all the scars I've caused you.

I've been doing a great deal of reading and learning over the past month, none of it would have been possible if I weren't in here. I honestly believe that this is God's will and that greatness will come from my experience. I am learning how to love for the first time in my life. I should have taken the initiative years ago with you and hate that I've allowed your hurt to fester this long.

I'm making you a promise from now on Peach. It will not matter who is right or wrong in the future, I will start focusing on your feelings and not the facts. I will truly listen to how you feel, no longer be defensive, try to understand your position even when I may disagree. I will be more sensitive to your feelings and attack the problem, not you. I will make every effort to cooperate and no longer speak so abrasively to you. I am sorry for not being able to have told you in advance what W/xow and I had been going thru. Communication, especially concerning personal issues ws not our strength, something I will work hard on changing.

God has been and is helping me change my life. I already wasted too many years. One of the books I've read is "Purpose Driven Life". It is a must for you and BF both. I hope to get to know your bf in the future and have been so happy for you. It's an amazing book and will do wonders for your relationships (WS talking there imho still). It will do wonders for your character building , understanding of God's word, and teach you how to love properly. I can't get enough of it and it's also the primary tool I'm using to earn your future respect and that of others too and helping me be able to love and forgive.

I've been listening to 91 fm, the Christian radio station alot. Stephen Curtis Chapman's song that was sung at our wedding "I Will Be Here" still stirs my emotions every time I hear it. I was not that man, but Jesus is, was then, and always should be the one you think of when you hear the words--"I will be here, to cry on my shoulders, I will hold you, to watch you grow in beauty, I will be true to the promise that I made"...He's with you and will be there forever. I'm sorry that I never was (this is when I began crying nonstop). Please forgive me.

I have so much more that I would enjoy sharing and including you in on, but hope to do it in person as soon as God is finished with me in here. Thanks you so much for your support and getting along with W/xow. It gives me great encouragement, reinforces my faith and belief that all things are possible for those who believe. I hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day.

Thank you again and I love you in Christ,
xh

<Sob...sob, sob, sob>. Unbelievable. I hope that all FWS's/WS's read this as well. Truly touching and very heartfelt...


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I didn't get the feeling that when he said "you", he meant YOU directly, Peachy...but "you" in the general sense.

Maybe I am reading this wrong, but when reading it I never considered he meant YOU personally.

And I agree that his actions from here on out will be what matters, but this seemed heartfelt to me.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I didn't get the feeling that when he said "you", he meant YOU directly, Peachy...but "you" in the general sense.

Maybe I am reading this wrong, but when reading it I never considered he meant YOU personally.

And I agree that his actions from here on out will be what matters, but this seemed heartfelt to me.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Originally Posted by MarriedForever
I didn't get the feeling that when he said "you", he meant YOU directly, Peachy...but "you" in the general sense.

Well, you might be right , however ...

Quote
One of the books I've read is "Purpose Driven Life". It is a must for you and BF both.


hmmmmmmmmmmmm skeptical

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
IMO he's still very self involved and has the audacity to try and take a morally superior position above you.

Quote
Peach, please, please pray with me that God will allow you to fully forgive me by removing all of the past, my thoughtless acts and works from your mind, healing all the scars I've caused you.


Be wary.

Quote
It's an amazing book and will do wonders for your relationships.


:MrEEk:


Quote
It will do wonders for your character building



.... just "wow"

Quote
and teach you how to love properly


rotflmao

Totally agree with the Pepster, Peach...To me this letter has lots of self-serving guilt purging written all over it...As others have said, ACTIONS...

Also I note that he says he wants to be friends with your boyfriend...NAH UH! That isn't a possibility...I realize that the two of you still have ds10 to parent, but I think that's as far as it can go...I think it's an incredibly bad plan to assume that the two of you could ever be "friends"...Big family bbqs, etc would be a bad idea...No contact with him as much as humanly possible is the only way, imo...Remember what Dr. Harley says about there remaining a low-burning flame that can be reignited at anytime...That is true for anyone that you've ever had a relationship with...It's a danger zone...In order for you to practice extraordinary care in your current relationship, ExH can't be a fixture in your life...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Heartfelt?

Possibly, but I bet it's more a function of having the time 2 reflect and read in his current living "arrangement" without distraction than a real change in character.

When he's free again, what will be easiest? Following through on his words, or falling back on old habits?

-ol' 2long

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Reading that letter also makes me think of an alcoholic feeling the sting from his latest drunk...(ExH is in jail right now...he's stinging - if he gets out that sting has big potential to wear off and be forgotten)...Sure, it's a possibility that he could change his act and "recover", but you won't know until you see ACTIONS...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Hmm, I'm not seeing much honest remorse here. I'm seeing someone who's found a new way to be superior to those around him. The tone of the whole thing is patronising to the point of puke . The audacity of 'advising' JP how to conduct her relationship, takes my breath.

I'd also be interested to know whether there's any chance that he's going to need some kind of character reference in the near future, or at least a report that's not a character assassination? How much is it worth a bit of faked humble pie to get your ex onside, I wonder?

TA


"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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