Warning! This is long. If you don't want to read all my examples, please just read the next three paragraphs.

I'd love to hear how BS's handle thoughts of the OP. DH(FWH) and I are doing so well in recovery. H has finally been able to give me all the details of the A that he couldn't bear to talk about earlier. We are now both at peace with the slight exception of me wondering what to think about OW. Should I pity her, should I hate her, should I forgive her? I've had no communication with her.

Right after d-day, H painted the OW as an innocent bystander, believing that he had done all the pursuing and that she wasn't expecting, much less actively working toward, the end of our M. H took all the blame for the A. With this little bit of information, I often felt sorry for her. I felt she had gotten sucked into the insanity of H's midlife crisis. I knew she had been badly hurt, particularly when H sent a harsh NC e-mail two days before Christmas.

Now that I've heard all the details, I'm left thinking the OW is a passive-aggressive, manipulative, lying skank who was on a mission to end my M from H's first contact with her. (H and OW went to high school together. They had a very brief fling back in the day which he didn't pursue. They had a 6 month very long-distance EA and a 1 week PA when H went back to his hometown for his 30th high school reunion. H ended the A about a month before d-day.)

From the beginning, H told OW he loved me and wasn't going to leave me. He assumed that he had laid the ground rules for the A and that she was OK with them. She clearly had other plans and was very patient, but H, in his fog, couldn't see it. Here are just some of the ways OW lied to and/or manipulated H:

H explained the A to her as a result of his midlife crisis. She actually researched MLC's and "helpfully" reported to him we were likely to divorce as a result.

OW tried to make H jealous by telling him that she and her (possibly imaginary) boyfriend had SF at least twice a night. A couple of days later she admitted to H that this wasn't true and that she only said it because she was stoned and trying to make him jealous.

OW would go "dark" occasionally in an effort to make him miss her. I read about this tactic on The Other Woman board.

During the EA, H would spend almost all the time talking about himself (his MLC made him into a manic, self-absorbed basket case). She was giving him the emotional equivalent of a hand job (sorry for the graphic analogy).

OW must have believed that SF was the way to cement their A and break up the M. In the months leading up to H's reunion, he lamented the fact that she lives about a 15 minute drive away from where he would be staying (with his mother), which was also where all the reunion action would take place. Despite the clear implication that it wasn't worth it to H to drive 15 minutes out of his way for SF with her, OW actually rented a place close to where H would be. During the week they were together, she left her two teenage children alone in her house so she could spend the nights with H. The younger one, who was only 12 or so, was even sick at the time.

Several times prior to the reunion, H would express misgivings about turning their EA into a PA and would ask her to cancel the vacation rental. She would tell him that even if they weren't there together, she still wanted to be closer to the action. She told H that the money for the rental ($500) was no big deal, even though she lives in one of the most expensive places in the country on a teacher's salary. She told H her step-father was rich and supported her. (Probably a lie.)

OW told H that she owned property in Vegas, which just happens to be H's favorite vacation spot. I am fairly certain this is a lie.

After the PA, OW asked whether it's possible his vasectomy didn't take, because although she's always regular, she was late. (OW was 48 at the time and H had his vasectomy checked twice.) H had totally forgotten this one. Once I started to realize how manipulative she had been, I asked H whether there had been a pregnancy scare. My clueless H answered, "no, but she did ask me about my vasectomy because she was late."

When H told OW he needed to end all contact because I had learned of the EA (the PA d-day wasn't until a week later), she just laughed and told him he could "spin" his way out of it.

OW supposedly had an abusive M (I now question anything she ever told H). She smokes pot regularly and drinks a lot. The one time they went somewhere together during the day, she threw up. Clueless H just believed her when she said it was because the heat was too much for her that day. (She has lived her whole life in a hot, humid tropical place . . .) Turns out she was just hungover.

H has finally realized that she was a very active participant in the A and that she was trying to break us up. Based on the phone records, had H not pulled back from the A when he did, I believe she would have gotten "careless" in contacting him so that their A would be discovered, which in her mind would have ended our M.

Is it possible to get closure regarding the OP, or do I have to make an effort to just stop thinking about her and what she's done? As I explained to H, I have a lot of rage toward her, some of which would have been directed at him had I not instinctively gone into Plan A on d-day.

Bea,

What's to "close"?

The affair isn't about the OW. It is about your husband. It is about your marriage, and the things that the two of you need to do to make the marriage a place that is strong and workable for the both of you.

Look at your marriage, and refer to the Harley and MB methods for evaluating the state of your marriage prior to your husband's affair. That is really important, because your husband made a decision to have the affair - and the marriage was in a state where it was vulnerable to one. What was happening in the marriage at that time? Were you two doing what you should have to protect the marriage, to meet one another's Emotional Needs, and to work as a team to communicate and be close as a couple, for 15 hours a week?

Look at your marriage. Don't look at the OW for answers.

The OW really isn't anything but a fantasy your husband worked on for some period of time. He built an idea in his head, and acted on it. That OW could have been anyone, really. A woman he fantasized that would meed a need he had, and then he pursued for the need.

As for closure - it will not "close" anyway. You could talk with the OW, you could go and meet her, you could write a NOVEL with her for that matter.

The affair and what it has done to your heart, will not "close".

It will last a long time. The pain will fade. The memories will live on, and they will never "close".

Sorry to be the one to tell you this.

SB

Schoolbus,

Thanks for your insight. By using MB, we have made tremendous progress in our M. We were able to identify where our M fell short prior to the onset of his horrendous midlife crisis, and we have successfully addressed those issues.

I now feel at peace about our M and have forgiven H. He was a tremendous amount of pain for 7 months before the A started and it took a huge toll on our M.

I now feel like the last lingering issue to be resolved is my anger toward the OW. I wish I could just stop thinking about her and what she did, but from what you're saying, it sounds like that won't happen.

It's not easy to forget how someone can come in and intentionallly hurt your marriage. (Especially when they can look you in the eye and smile every single day. ) Try to remember that OW is NOTHING. She's a sad, pathetic, nothing of a person. I've always liked this post, and my FWH says that truer words were never spoken:

"Wayward Spouses ALWAYS affair down. They NEED someone beneath them, who will admire them and give them feigned respect. Your husband is not seeking out the younger, better looking woman, he is taking whatever opportunity presents itself and meets his needs for sex, admiration, and boosts his self-esteem. SHE IS NOT SPECIAL. If she happens to be younger and pretty that is just the luck of the draw and a RARITY...most of the time it IS NOT the case. After reading here you will discover that the OW could have been anyone and your husband's choice of OW was not in any way an indication or indictment of you as a beautiful, attractive, desirable, intelligent, mature, moral, loyal, spiritual woman, wife and mother. OW is, I guarantee, no match for you.

Think of it this way, your husband is behaving low and dirty. Thus it necessarily takes a pretty low class woman to admire him at this point ... DO NOT allow this trash to rock your self confidence. You may or may not have let yourself go...but you can get it back and be the classy, beautiful, respectful, upstanding, Grade A woman you always were whereas the Other Woman WILL ALWAYS remain trash."

When thoughts of OW pop in your head:
1. Remind your self that she is nothing
2. Think one horrible thought about her
3. Think three great thoughts about yourself

bea, she doesn't sound any different from any other OW out there....they are all basically the same. Just check out one of the message boards full of OW.

The definition of being an OW IS to be "lying and manipulative". One could not be an OW withOUT being these things, it is a necessary criteria to fulfill that role.

If they were "honest and NOT manipulative", they would be in a legitimate relationship, not in an A.

Drgnfly,

The "affair down" concept has always given me comfort because it is so true in our situation. Of all the things H loves best about me, she has none of them. Until I saw that quote I couldn't even wrap my mind around how he could get involved with her. I just thank God that she's so far away that there's no chance I'll ever run into her.

I love your suggestion about thinking bad thoughts about her (not hard to do!) and good thoughts about myself. I'll have to give it a shot.

MarriedForever,

I have spent some nauseating time at The Other Woman board. For myself, I just can't imagine what would motivate someone to get involved in such a toxic, dead-end relationship. As H has said numerous times, there was nothing "real" about their relationship. It was all fake. Without honesty between them, I guess that's a pretty good description.

I could have written each of these sentences myself. They are ALL true for me as well.

I'm not sure if this makes me feel better, however...I often wonder how he could hurt me over someone who he "affaired down" with.

And I will never "run into" the OW either...which I am thankful for.



My FWH has said this as well, and that he even knew it at the time. I suppose this means that it's true that the "fantasy" is what keeps them going oftentimes.

It's easier to pretend something is GREAT when the truth of the matter is that it's all fake and ugly.

Not the place to spend time if you're looking for "closure".

As for me, I do not believe in "closure".
I believe in the horizon view (slowly) changing when you continue your journey in a determined direction.

[quote=PepperbandNot the place to spend time if you're looking for "closure".[/quote]

This was a month ago. I went there after H told me she had researched the likelihood of divorce for someone in a midlife crisis and was asking questions about whether his vasectomy might not have taken. I began to suspect she was getting advice from pros and I wanted to see if she had posted there. Oddly enough, there were a few posts from someone who could have been her based on the questions she was asking, but the timing was off by just a day or two (based on when their PA started).

What I read there really gave me a lot of insight into her warped mind. I've always felt I had a pretty good read on her thoughts and motivations. In addition to totally predicting the false pregnancy scare, I also predicted the two times she contacted H after the A but before the NC e-mail was sent. I feel absolutely no threat from her anymore, but it's still nice to stay a step or two ahead of her.

Think of this as a recovery road trip.
If you & H are driving your car (marriage) toward recovery together, the OW slowly grows smaller and smaller in your rear-view mirror .... until she's just a distant speck on the horizon.
If either of you turn the car around and drives toward OW, she becomes a bigger object in your field of vision.

There is no closure , only distance.

Pepperband,

This is a beautiful and helpful analogy. Would it be wrong of me to peek in the rear view mirror every now and then to see whether she's been run over by the karma bus?

Nope.
Quite typical.
Expect your curosity to last a minimum 2 years.

I have a quote on my bedroom wall: "Do not go where the path may lead; instead go where there is no path and leave a trail."
Skald was just telling me yesterday how much he loves our new trail, and I told him that it still has some bumps and rocks here and there, but in the distance I can see the blacktop.

Yes, it's about you and your H now..but the ow was NEVER a passive bystander for she was DELIBERATE and MALICIOUS in her actions.

Does a deliberate bystander make up stories about property in Vegas? Do deliberate bystanders rent a house close to where your husband is to have trysts with him? i think not.

My xh's ow (there were 2) were both deliberate in many actions. Very deliberate. One did the pregnancy scare when our divorce wasn't fast enough and she did it with her prior bf. This time there was NO scare as she did get pregnant and after that the last nail on the coffin was hammered shut imho and I was done. They can truly be nutty and rather Glenn Close-ish.

I'm no expert on OW, but from what I have learned, read and experienced, this "nuttiness" stems from the desperation to hold onto something that they never "had" in the first place.

Deep down APs know they are settling for crumbs...even though they HOPE the A relationsh*t is real. I believe that there is SOME reality in their thinking in that they know that they are second-choice to the BW, and that is probably very painful.

So they start the real clingy-desperate-"I-have-nothing-to-live-for-without-you" stuff, hoping that will pull the WS in even further. Sometimes it does, but more often than not, it seems to be the final nail in the coffin...all the little things that bugged the WS about the AP now become larger than life because the WS begins seeing what they have gotten themselves into...and they fear being stuck with that for life.

To the OW, it's all about pulling out all the stops to rope the WS in, and they cannot even see how crazy they look....they feel like they are in love and desperately want to hold onto the fantasy, so they do crazy things.

And that isn't a flattering look on anyone...