WHERE ARE THEY!?!?!?!? :crosseyedcrazy:

This post has been in the making/in my head for some time now. I knew I could bring it here & get some good feedback. Maybe there are other people out there wondering the same!

I honestly fear for my kids. We are literally surrounded by co-dependent, unstable, doormat-ish, play-nice, erratic and thus UNsupportive people. As most who know my history know, my own parents are incapable of being anything more than a nod as I answer their inquiries about the state of my life. STBXH's mother & sister (only real family) are delirious & can't see past "he's such a wonderful father/brother/son he is and he really triiiiiied". My grandma thinks I need to get over myself and 'stand by my man' (BTDT - no more). Outside of peoples' views of my own life, I can't even see straight in hearing about theirs - my SIL just told me she's "friends" via Facebook with my brother's FOW - an OW he left her for, lived with, and planned to marry (they're "recovered" now 5+/- yrs), says she's always been decent w/her & doesn't mind if my brother has contact w/her - though she's not sure he has. One of my biggest cheerleaders/supporters/and dear friend is playing doormat to someone in her own immediate family that can't seem to stop sucking her dry - and this is the person who "helped" me see clearly what my STBXH was doing to me!??!

I'm beside myself and I feel like I'm losing this battle that I'm always fighting. Fighting w/teachers as to why DD chooses not to speak w/her "dad". Fighting w/my SIL about the fact that she's letting POISON invade her marriage - STILL - but I should be able to forgive like she has. And so on. I'm not complaining, I feel comfortable in the choices I'm making, but saddened and admittedly frustrated in the lack of support/knowledge/common sense around me AND my kids.

And I'm curious: where do y'all find "normal" people? Besides here, in the flesh?

Julie...this is really about YOUR BOUNDARIES and who you will and will not let in your life.

Have you read any of the "Boundaries" books? It might be a good place to start.

You cannot change these people...all you can do is protect yourself and your children from their influences. This might mean associating with different people in order to avoid negative influences in your life.

That's the thing about MB. It causes you to "see" things around you in your everyday life with a new perspective. It's a curse and a blessing. The curse is when people around you don't get that you're a healthier person now and can't understand why you just won't go with the flow. The blessing is when you speak to people in those situations and THEY get it.

Other than that, we're all crazy!

My "normal" people aren't relatives at all. A few good friends and coworkers, and my therapist.

I had to make the choice to purposefully not surround my children around toxic relatives. Sure, it hurts, but my job now it to protect my children, not to expose them.

I've also found, though, that for the most part, that the only dyfunction that is completely influential on my children is my own. (My FOO have undiagonsed mental illness. I left for college a codependant and married an addict.)

I agree...sort of. When most of it's family/friends we've come to know & treat like family, it's hard to just disallow them in your life. I acknowledge that I have been and am still at times guilty of inviting in the drama. I've gotten better though. For instance - with my SIL & the friend who's being leached, I simply say, "OK, good luck with that" as they tell me how OK they are with their decisions, and walk away. The urge to teach/preach/HELP is sometimes overwhelming though. BUT, it's like preaching to the choir.

If you'd kindly name me some boundary books though, I'll get busy reading. I LOVE to LEARN!

PM, yes we're all crazy. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Good point(s). I agree-often when (I let) other people drive me crazy I need to step back and look at ME again. Questions...

How did you explain this "disconnect" to your kids?
To the meddling/delirious/unhealthy relatives?

My poor kids. Mom's always trying something new. And they are being pulled in SO many different directions. I can't keep them hermits!

what is FOO? former...

FOO=family of origin

Well, my kids are young enough that they will hardly remember this period of their life. I don't talk about it...I make it normal. So, mostly there's nothing to question.
Otherwise, usually I just say "It just hasn't worked out that we can visit."
My relatives have removed themselves from my life at the moment, because I can't be codepedent anymore. So, it's sort of made issues of low contact or no contact easier.

Perhaps, along with boundaries, you might want to read some of Melody Beattie's or Pia Melody's books. They write on codependecy.

I've also found it helpful to work with a therapist. She's validated my boundaries, supported me on them, and helped me come up with some responses to answers from my kids.

I am confused by your topic title...

WANTED: Sane, stable, healthy, "normal" people!!

and you are looking at our MB site????

But I do understand what you are saying. I used to be sane, stable, healthy and normal till Dday.

Julie,
You have just described most of the families in these here United States, as well as around the world. LOL!!!

I agree with Princessmeggy, that MB changes your perspective. I believe you become so much more aware of your choices, taking responsibility for what is truly YOURS, allowing others to take responsibility for what is theirs, learing to know the difference, etc. It's unnerving, at first. After reading the books on boundaries and reading Melody Beattie's books, I felt like a fog had been lifted from me.

Putting into practice what those books teach is difficult, but I've found it necessary to my survival, and has helped me have a much more peaceful existence.

Julie,
Almost everyone I know has been raised in a dysfunctional family. It is very rare to know someone who had role-model parents on M and relationships. They exist but are to few. In reading your thread I think about alcoholics. If an alcholic remains in an environment that promotes drinking then it will be very difficult for the alcoholic to recover. Like someone else mentioned earlier, there are people who can be toxic to you and you have to figure out how to minimize the toxicity or remove it completely.

BTW: My boundary book I enjoyed was "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin."

GG

Yes, we are all bat-poop-crazy in some regard! I ran a residence hall on college campus for 5 years -- 400 students per year. Talk about drama!

Everyone, I mean EVERYONE has *baggage* and most have TONS of it! When we hired student-staff one of our jokes was "who's got the least baggage..."

Funny how people learn to hide their bags...put on appearance of "normalcy" and make due with life. Funny how the "politically correct" has evolved in to the "lie down and take it..." mentality. I'm in no way advocating hate speech and/or racism, but when someone is doing something stupid, SAY SOMETHING DAMN!T!

One thing I learned while dealing with all those students and parents and issues...I can only control ME. I can't get caught up in all the drama, the side-shows, the crapola. Just focus on ME and my family. Live in a bubble, find. I can't save the world. (but sometimes it's fun to watch...)

I heard the coolest commercial on the radio yesterday. It said, "the greatest gift a father can give his children is loving their mother"

YES, my kids were in the car!

What's sad is I thought to myself, after my "how true!" and "that's beautiful" initial thoughts is, "he's really going to catch a lot of flack for that one"

It was a commercial for a popular local Jeweler. He's been criticized before for his "old-fashioned" messages in his radio ads before and I'm sure this will be another of those cases. Bad-dads unite!

Anyway he's got a GREAT selection of diamonds that she'll LOVE for Mother's Day - all under $299. Some just $79! I think I'll go in and buy myself some diamonds for Mother's Day. Something valued in between the 2 extremes, perhaps.

ITA with this, and the reverse is also true...that the best gift a mother can give her children is to love their father.

Actually, it might be easiest said "The best gift parents can give their children is to love EACH OTHER.".

And I think it's a GREAT idea to buy yourself a new diamond!!!

A friend I've been friends with for a good many years now is not happy with how often she does NOT get to see her new baby niece, now almost a year old. So, she keeps a stock of appropriate-sized diapers on hand for her. If she asks to see the baby, and her brother doesn't feel like bringing her, or his BabyMama prevents it, said friend will tell him she's got diapers. Her brother promptly comes over. Once in a while he will bring prized baby niece.

She wants to get together for coffee soon. I'm probably busy that day though.

Good morning, folks.

I'm having a really rough morning. Decided to bump this thread because I'm STILL seeking sane people.

DD is having such a hard time. We had another blow-up last night that once again stemmed from something so minute, so frivolous, so stupid. But she vehemently refused to do what I told her. I ended up with the police and crisis team @my house till 10:30. She slept on my bedroom floor because I could not trust her given her recent "coping skills" yet she did not "meet criteria" to be hauled away. I actually asked them to this time.

DD HATES me and to be honest, I was pretty full of hate for her last night. I feel like scum thinking/typing that but it's true, unfortunately. I am beside myself that this is my life right now. Yes, I read on depressedteens.com & I read daughters.com and most times I'm generally positive...but here I sit, realizing I am no help to her - I'm no help to myself - I'm not the mom I want to be to either kid right now, and I'm not cut out for this! Yes, I know I need help for me but no, I'm not getting it. Where's the time? The money? And last night as DS witnessed me restraining DD & callled 911 it occurred to me that now I better get HIM help!

No wallowing in pity, no victim here, but very sad. I'm not doing it right. No this has nothing to do with Marriage Building but when I felt myself reach for the phone as thoughts of "I'll just call him (STBXH) & listen to his voice" I came straight here. This thought followed one where I told myself this WOULDN'T all be happening if I weren't getting a divorce! DD would be "happy" - not depressed/out of control/suicidal/self loathing/disrespecting & lashing out at me. It's just a thought, it will pass.

So, thanks for listening. I know others have been there, and I'm sure we'll come out of it. She's only 13!

I've had issues with my kids but not to the extent that you have, I'm sorry.
It is upsetting to say the least.

I don't have any concrete advice, just support, you sound like you are doing what most of us would, tough love.
Don't beat yourself up about 'this wouldn't happen if there was no D', kids have these problems without a D in the family.
IMO it's better to have one parent who is consistent and caring beyond the call of duty than 2 who are at opposite ends of the spectrum, or one that is useless to the situation. This only causes more confusion for the child and grids on what they have left for coping skills.

Julie what about support groups for parents that are going through the same thing?