You've got a good head on your shoulders, Peach!

Mrs. W

Bump

Interested in the expert analysis of Schoolbus

Peach,

I won't analyze the letter. Just, be careful.

SB

I'm just dying of curiosity though.

He says "I'm learning to love for the first time in my life."

Is there yet another woman????


SB

The thing is, no actively WS is going to believe it. They all think their situation is unique and special. So the sentiments of Peachy's XWH won't apply to them at all. Plus active WS usually don't come to MB.

The WS that are here are FWS and they already know about regrets.

Oh, for crying out loud, okay. I cannot stand it. I'll be right back.

SB

Speed it up, girly... (tapping my foot)

We're anxiously waiting.

this is gonna be gooooood

Alright! Schoolbus is in the house! I'm going to get my popcorn ready....

Dear Peachy,
Please bear with me throughout this letter. I'm not sure where all my words will come from, God has been working hard on me and you have been on my heart and in my daily prayers.
I'm in jail, and I am thinking about things I have done wrong in my life. For the first time, I have to really focus on my life, and I find that I am scrambling to put things in order here. The issue of my affair actually has bothered me more than I cared to admit before, and now it appears I have to DO something about it. So I am writing this letter - and invoking the name of God here because at this point in time I am searching this area of my life as well. It might work out, at least for now I am reading a lot here and hoping it works out.

I pray Peach, that one day you will be able to fully forgive me for all the pain I have caused in your life. Now, this would have been good, if he left it alone. BUT, the "but" comes colored in the terms of the Bible stuff that follows. He doesn't actually say the "but" word for you. That's why this feels so phony to everyone. Here it comes.

The Bible teaches us we can't live in the past and we need to live in the present. See, when I pull this sentence right here out, alone, it looks out of place, doesn't it????

But look at the letter. I left it right where it falls.

He put it here, because it CANCELS THE APOLOGY. Yep. It is telling you to STOP LIVING IN THE PAST, PEACH. Let it go, honey, it's over, you can't live in the past, girl. There, I apologized, now you can't live in the past because the Bible tells you so. What is that??? Hmm - canceling. That's what that is.


God also teaches us that we are to love and protect our family as he loves us. Peach, you are a part of my family and always will be. God put us together so we could have our miracle child and I should always love and respect you. This is an attempt to sandwich. I apologize, I cancel, I put some wonderful memories here to make you forget that I canceled.

Oh, he does love you and your child. No doubt about it. And he is saying "you are a part of MY family" in order to reclaim you, in the only way he can do that. He knows you have moved on - so the interesting choice of words here on his part is that you are a part of "his" family. It keeps you with him, and no matter what happens, he still can claim you. Even if you don't claim him.



I continually glance at the past, while being here only to realize how prideful and disrespectful of a man I had become. What happened to the Bible said don't live in the past? It was a gradual growth that progressed even prior to our marriage. As my income and assumed authority rose, so did my self importance, smugness, and prideful attitude, it grew til it and I along with it, was out of control. I now know that it was this attitude and way of life is what destroys relationships faster than anything. Peach, please, please pray with me that God will allow you to fully forgive me by removing all of the past, my thoughtless acts and works from your mind, healing all the scars I've caused you. Here he is confessing to you. Confessing to you what you probably have told him before - somewhere in your arguments you have likely told him he was smug, or out of control, etc. He admits you are correct, and now gives that to you. I give him kudos for that. He wants you to forget it all, however. He's not quite there on the train of understanding how forgiveness works - it isn't the same as forgetting.

I've been doing a great deal of reading and learning over the past month, none of it would have been possible if I weren't in here. True enough - only his depth of understanding of this statement is only superficial. I honestly believe that this is God's will and that greatness will come from my experience. Interesting turn of phrase. I believe he does not mean "God's greatness" will come of this. I think he believes his own greatness will come of it - or that something good will come in the end. He may have a fantasy here, and it alludes to something that he hits again (and for some reason I think this is another woman on his mind that he is fantasizing a relationship with). I am learning how to love for the first time in my life. Here is the statement that makes me think that there is a woman on his mind. People rarely say this exact statement without a "new love" in place - or some fantasy love in place. I should have taken the initiative years ago with you and hate that I've allowed your hurt to fester this long. Regret. Now, this is important to understand - because this is the third paragraph, and often clustered as the most important message center in a letter. I am looking here and in the next paragraph for the "hit". I see this "fantasy love" theme here, and then I see the stuff in the next paragraph about how he's going to treat you right from now on. What's he thinking? Is he thinking he has a chance with you? Because he then backs off a little, then talks about the boyfriend you have, then talks about how YOU need to fix your relationships. So overall, he's a bit of a mess. Read on.

I'm making you a promise from now on Peach. It will not matter who is right or wrong in the future, I will start focusing on your feelings and not the facts. I will truly listen to how you feel, no longer be defensive, try to understand your position even when I may disagree. I will be more sensitive to your feelings and attack the problem, not you. I will make every effort to cooperate and no longer speak so abrasively to you.
Okay, all very nice. This will make your relationship for parenting very nice. In any future communication wtih him, I would advise that you thank him for THIS PART OF THE LETTER ONLY - this is concrete, applicable to your life, and will make a difference. And I can promise he won't carry through with it. But worth a shot anyway if you praise him on it.
I am sorry for not being able to have told you in advance what W/xow and I had been going thru. Communication, especially concerning personal issues ws not our strength, something I will work hard on changing.

God has been and is helping me change my life. I already wasted too many years. One of the books I've read is "Purpose Driven Life". It is a must for you and BF both. I hope to get to know your bf in the future and have been so happy for you. It's an amazing book and will do wonders for your relationships (WS talking there imho still). It will do wonders for your character building I love this - YOU need character building. This, from the man who had an affair and is sitting in jail. How rich is this??? , understanding of God's word, and teach you how to love properly And this, from the man who just admitted he is learning to love for the first time in his life. So very glad he can offer you the advice to read this book. Thanks for the endorsement. . I can't get enough of it and it's also the primary tool I'm using to earn your future respect and that of others too and helping me be able to love and forgive. And my parting sarcastic shot, I'm so glad he is learning to love and forgive. Which we will all be benefitting from at the end of his incarceration. At which time his lessons will have been learned, and his Godliness will more than likely wear off, because he might find his old ways were much more cunning and wiley in the "real world" where the parole board isn't paying much attention.

I've been listening to 91 fm, the Christian radio station alot. Stephen Curtis Chapman's song that was sung at our wedding "I Will Be Here" still stirs my emotions every time I hear it. I was not that man, but Jesus is, was then, and always should be the one you think of when you hear the words--"I will be here, to cry on my shoulders, I will hold you, to watch you grow in beauty, I will be true to the promise that I made"...He's with you and will be there forever. I'm sorry that I never was (this is when I began crying nonstop). Please forgive me. Wait, I was wrong, more sarcasm. He got maudlin' on us.

I have so much more that I would enjoy sharing and including you in on, but hope to do it in person as soon as God is finished with me in here. This is, as I'm sure you recognize, an attempt to get you to feel sorry for him. Don't. He is there as the result of his own behavior, and he has work to do on himself. Let him work. Thanks you so much for your support and getting along with W/xow. It gives me great encouragement, reinforces my faith and belief that all things are possible for those who believe. I hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day.

Thank you again and I love you in Christ,
xh



My overall impression is that he is working very hard to convince you that he is getting right with God. There's not much meat to what he has to say - because the bulk of this letter is VERY SELF-FOCUSED. Look at the letter as a whole. How much of it really addresses what you want to hear? It is not about his transgressions against you. It is about how he is working on himself, what he is going through, what he wants to work on, what he is reading, what he thinks you need to read, what he likes about what he's reading, what he was like before, what his own fall from grace in his personality was all about, about how he is learning to love and forgive, and what he thinks he needs to do when he communicates with you.

A little bit of it is dedicated to what - oh yeah - an apology of sorts, and his asking you to forgive him after he gets in a few sentences about his memories about "his" family and how things used to be.


So for me, this isn't "there" yet. Because while he thinks he is working on getting right with God, his letter is not anything close to apologizing. It is about XH.

You will know when he apologizes. It will be ALL about how stupid he was, how immoral he was, how his guilt has literally eaten his insides to the bone and he cannot live with it. And it will tell you that he does not deserve your forgiveness, and doesn't expect it, either. He won't ask you for anything - not your prayers, nothing. He will tell you that he is sorry for everything, and not try to explain himself (like all the stuff about how the power went to his head). He will just tell you he has no excuse.

You will know it, feel it, and then you will say, "I appreciate the apology" and really mean it. Because you will know he really meant it. I think your post was ambivalent about the letter, because you can see that he is just so lost. He is. But I don't count this as a "real" apology. And when he gets there, you will probably get another one. If I don't miss my guess, he actually is working on it. But it will probably be after the divorce from this wife.

Oh, and yeah, I think that is coming.

fascinating, thanks SB.

Schoolbus, don't forget that he apologized for not telling Peach about all the really stinky stuff that he and his wifey were dealing with - which could be his infidelity or it could be his drugs or it could be his thievery or it could be any number of things. None of which actually affect our friend's life.

Peachy, you are doing ok. Just pleased don't get sucked in to his apology and personal changes until you see the fruits of his actions.

Thanks Schoolbus! I always enjoy reading your analysis of letters. Very insightful!!!

Mindshare

Yeah, I ignored the part about his talking about what he and his otherwifeywomanperson and his talking about that stuff was about.

I did that for a reason. That line in there requires some longer discussion.

That specific line involves a lot of detail. So since you asked, here it is.

He brought that up because it is really about the relationship he is having with the current wife. I want to call her something, so for the time being, let's call her wifey. Because there is a reason he worded it the way he did, and a reason he brought it up where and when he did.




Look at the placement of the apology here. It is tagged onto the "plan" for how he is going to be more sensitive to her, better in communication, blah blah blah, right? Then, in the middle there, he offers this apology about the wifey deal, then throws out how

Communication, especially concerning personal issues ws not our strength, something I will work hard on changing.

This complicates the apology. Was it an apology - yes. I would say it was. But it was really an evaluation of a situation that occurred between him and Peach, a very SPECIFIC INCIDENT that he is apologizing for here. Not a general apology. How do I know that?

He says so. He says "sorry for not telling you in advance what wifey and I were going through". That language specifies an event. He is apologizing for one thing here - not a series of things, not a behavior over time, but one thing, one time, one event that came to his mind in whic he knows that he should have behaved differently. And he knows that he and Peach had very specific concerns and problems over this, and he is apologizing for whatever it is that happened. This problem might have actually been a series of events - but Peach knows what this references. He is specific, and this apology is specific. So for me, looking analytically, I don't find this particular part of the letter to be a general apology to Peach regarding his behavior "over the marriage" or "over the course of the affair", but rather during a very specific time period or period of events (or an event) that he is talking about. That's why I left it alone.

There is a bit more here that I do see in the paragraph. I found it interesting in that the paragraph overall changes the tone of protectiveness of wifey. During the course of time that he is talking about, he was attempting to protect wifey over Peach, putting wifey's stuff and needs first. That has changed - which is putting an interesting perspective on the letter's tone for me. That's why I say I am wondering about this "finding love for the first time" that he is talking about. Why is he now putting wifey's protection down, and apologizing for protecting his wifey? One can apologize for being rude, behaving badly, but really not for failure to betray the confidence between a man and his own wifey. I'm not getting why he feels the need to do that. Perhaps insight into the event would help, but the apology feels wrong here - basically because it feels a betrayal of the wifey, in that it moves her to the background in status in a sense.

Which again makes me wonder about another "love"...

And then, the last line - regarding his evaluation that communication in the marriage with Peach.

The wording there is interesting to me, if only for the fact that he says that the communication regarding "personal issues" was problematic, and he wants to work on that.

Why?

The marriage is over. There should be no "personal issues" discussion with him and Peach.

Yet, in his mind, there not only still remains a need for personal issues discussions, there will be personal issues discussions, he plans on working to improve his skills in this area, and then later on in the letter gives Peach readings on how to improve herself in them (by way of book references).

Hmmmm.

Peach, watch this man. I just think that his wifey is beginning to take a back seat to someone else. And in his mind, you just might be his fantasy girl.

SB

Gosh. I didn't want to have to do that whole letter. But see what happens when somebody writes such stuff - it just gets me.

Peach, girl, it might do you good to limit your contact as much as you can. He may be trying to get right with God, but he has a long road to walk.

schoolbus:

Your Awesome!

Peachy:

Someone mentioned that he might call you to be a "character witness"

And he has all night to write these things. (Can't close an eye on his "cellmate")

Expect more.

Watch as the tone changes. If you ignore him, they will get a little more pointed: "Can't you SEE my changes, Can't you SEE me anymore?"

BE very wary.....

Many divorced BS's would LOVE to get a letter where thier ExWS would seem to apologize. This letter doesn't, as SB so eloquently notes.

To many buts, to much about religion, to much about what Peach should do... I couldn't even read it all the way thru when she first posted it, My B-S meter was starting to peg...

LG

Gosh SB,

You are absolutely amazing to watch interpret. Thank you for all that you give to people.

Hi, Peachy.

I actually think that the letter was sincere. I still think the jerk is a selfish, self-absorbed SOB, but he wrote out his feelings of regret. I think he wants you back. I know you won't go back, but I bet he doesn't.

Friends with your boyfriend? Please. Only guys trying to get back in use that.

First of all people HE IS MARRIED. THey aren't divorcing as of now..but who knows.

I have kept a very wide distance from this person, which is why I was shocked to have received this letter.

I do wish to day this..he has never used any drugs and I know what he's in for and I won't discuss here.

This is as close of an apology letter that I've gotten in about seven years. He knows there's no way in hell I'd ever be a character witness. Nope.


He knows there's also no way I'd ever go back to him. I do not find men who are married particularly attractive..lol! I've been happiest since divorcing him and there's no chance ever of that happening so don't worry.

I DO BELIEVE this would work if shown to a WS who is WAFFLING or walking the fence. I do. Because it IS MAUDLIN enough to maybe evoke some emotion..or some thought. Maybe.

That's the only reason I brought here..to this site. To see if it could help another BS who has a WS sitting on the fence.

Trust me, I truly appreciate all the wisdom and the breakdown of it, but know this...I'VE LISTENED TO A XWS and FOGBABBLE for seven years! I've also had very little interaction with the man and on the few occasions we have to do things or be at same places at same times (birthdays, school functions, etc), I know what drivel he's usually spewing and don't really listen to it.

Do I hope he has found God? Yes. I sure hope so. I pray so. For the sake of my little boy. So he can be a good dad. Good parents ARE NOT self absorbed narcissists running around feeding their desires 24/7. And that is what his dad was. And he had enough $$ to be able to refute much of any of my stuff in court and keep papers flying. I've had my son the majority of the time for the last 7 years, and left things as they were..and now I have him all the time.

Yes, I said earlier I found some "ws speak" in his letter. I am old school from here and prefer "fogbabble". He's got it along with some serious "me me me" issues too in the letter. But KNOWING the person he became vs. who he was I can say he's definitely sad and this is his way of repenting..although I'd really have liked him to say exactly WHAT he would wish me to forgive..the exact actions.

But to me, this is a way to let a very WS know that life, even if they end up with their shadow affair partner, is NOT GOING TO BE GOOD. And that life will pretty much wind in a downward spiral for them if they stay that WS course.

You know...I've seen the future for the WS's..and it don't look good. Many of us who have been here along time know it to be just that.

Now Schoolbus, I don't know you..but am glad you took the time to do that. Although I have already mentally gone thru pretty much what you thought (and a bit more because of my knowledge of the situation) as well. You're gonna help alot here.

GG, of course I'd never go back to that. I can't. God blessed me with the memory of an elephant and sass-itude that would never allow such a thing to ever happen! T, my guy, thinks it's lucicrous for him to even suggest being friends. His take on this (what he said 2 days ago about it): "Yea right. Who wouldn't want to be friends with a man who's a cheater, was married once to your girlfriend and soon to be wife who betrayed her, was cruel to her and abusive, and screwed her and her child out of a decent settlement? That's a guy to befriend huh!" (he's quite sarcastic..gotta love T!)

Oh and YES it did piss me off that he "suggests" what I should do or should read or this or that. I've been a good person all my life. I have faith. I don't whap people on the head with Bibles but I have faith. I don't need book suggestions..I read all the time and my xh has maybe read the first books in his adult life in the last month. Only because he can't watch much tv. And on having healthy relationships?

He should ask T and I how HE can have one..we've got that part down too!