I think a simple "no" would have sufficed. What you said WAS mean, and completely unnecessary. The xWW may be pitiable, but hated?

-ol' 2long

2Long,

I know it was mean. I was angry and a little bit in defense mode. I did mean for it to hurt, definitely not my best moment. I don't hate her but I do not want her around then children.

I do think my LF is testing the waters herself for more of a real relationship, we have spoken about it. Also I'm not saying I'm out of the baby making business forever, I do love babies. I just need time to sort things out.

6,
Maybe I'm off track here but it seems to me you like security and comfort. You allowed your xWW not to expect anything from you when your were M (you said yourself you give and expected nothing); you were going to stay with her (6 years) even knowing what she did to you. Now you are in a relationship that you are comfortable with and it is slowly creeping to something else. You got D in the fall; you haven't dated anyone else. Does anything seem like a warning sign to you from the above??

GG

I agree wholeheartedly. 6, PLEASE do some counseling to find out why you are the kind of person who would (1) stay in such an abusive relationship and (2) not need to move forward before becoming comfortable in another relationship.

GG, Cat,

Thanks for the advice. I would like to correct GG, I give lots in relationships probably too much. You are right in that I don't expect or ask for much in return and that is a problem. I am in counseling and I am not comfortable about a new relationship. In fact I am just now getting to the point where I think I could one day have another relationship, before I was in the now way not ever camp.

Does your conselling offer any insights into your relationship with LF?

When you talk to LF about her desire to develop your relationship further, what do you tell her, and how does she take it?

Are you both "exclusive" in this relationship? Has exclusivity been discussed? If you have both been exclusive in this relationship for the past few months, does that make it more than sexual? It might make it more than sexual to her; how do you feel about the possibility that she might be invested emotionally with you?

You are being very guarded about LF. It might be that you do not want to talk about that relationship here, and that would be be fine and none of our business. However, you tell us little bits about her off your own bat; you must want to talk about this in some way.

6,


Correct me?? That is what I meant - that you give to much and expect nothing in return. Sorry for confusion. I was trying to make the point that if you get comfortable that is a danger sign for you because you fall into past pattern of behavior. I'm glad you are in IC because it is a good thing to understand why you allowed the type of relationship you allowed with you xWW. I'm not a therapist but I like to think I'm observant and I've made the same mistakes as you so I kinda see where you're headed. This is why I keep coming back and giving you my two cents.

GG

6years,

I bet you're sorry you ever mentioned LF to the forums???

FWIW, I think its GREAT that you've found some adult companionship. You're BOTH educated professionals capable of dealing with whatever type of adult relationship the two of you choose to have.

Around here, it doesn't seem to matter what the circumstances ... SOMEONE will feel its inappropriate to start dating post-D.

ENJOY YOURSELF ... YOU'VE EARNED IT!!!

Thanks for the support rev,

Sugar, and GG,

LF and I are exclusive. It was not a "going steady" kind of discussion that led to that arrangement. She did bring it up, but she already knew I was not dating. She is very very tentative about increasing the scope of our relationship. When we speak about it she will say things like "I'm falling in love with you and it scares me", "I'm not ready to commit to a relationship but ...", "How about we just try a date". I usually say that I need to go slow, I'm still recovering from my M and I don't know where my feelings are.

I think she is more ready for a relationship than I am, but still not very ready. for one. She is very very committed to her work. The kids have never met her but she knows all about them from talking at the gym etc. I can sense that she longs to be part of the whole big we have in the family, but is afraid at the same time. She is an only child. For example, she asks about little Gabe's baby pics every time we meet.

My IC is working on why I never ask for anything. I don't even really feel like I want anything from the other person.

I'm ok talking about it here. I've spoke with my dad about it as well but he is not much help.

6,


You are transparent. You have feelings already for your LF.
She came into your life when you were vulnerable, she met you number need for SF and now she's giving you love and affection and you are like a sponge absorbing it all because you have been deprived for so long. Your LF is feeding off all your weaknesses. And then again maybe I'm wrong but I think the odds are against you going with the first one out the gate. I would love to see you happy with a woman but heal first and your chances will improve for a successful relationship.

GG

GG,

I do already have feelings for her, they just don't seem like romantic love. She does give me SF (and is enthusiastic about making me enjoy it), affection, admiration (same field of work), UA time, also fun time at the gym, she buys me little presents. Plus she is cute, fit, smart and too young for a man my age.

I see what you are saying, and I'm already in a place where I could be hurt. She is as well I bet. I'll talk to my counselor about it some more.

Thanks for the help

I'll tell you why it doesn't feel like romantic love - because when you love someone you value making love. Making love becomes special. I'm sure your LF is really a nice person but met you at the wrong time and it really is not fair to her and you. Definately ask you IC. She may have a better idea of the odds on first time out after D.

I would have added comments about what happened on Mother's Day but I think I threw out enough at you. Laugh!

GG

GG,

I'm pretty sure it is not the sex thing that is keeping me from feeling in love. I used to be sort of a puppy about that, if a girl had sex with me then I loved her. I think I am afraid that everyone will get hurt again because I will make bad choices. My IC and I talk alot about how I can make better choices and strong boundaries. So far the one I have been holding onto is that LF does not get to meet the children, I know it is a baby step.


Gabe

This is the only thing that bothers me, 6. That LF doesn't get to meet your children? Are you ashamed of her? Or of your relationship with her?

Romance is highly overrated. I'll take respect over romance any day.

-ol' 2long

2L,

I'm afraid that she will come into their lives and then abandon them. It is not reasonable but she knows why I am worried about that.

6yl

Once upon a time you said people don't need to wait a year from the divorce to be ready to date again.

You said your friend was happy to just be a F buddy with no strings attached.

You said FB did not want a relationship with you. That she was not and never using SF to draw you into a relationship.

Any comment?

6:

As I pointed out before, getting into the R with LF was kinda early. But your both adults, and you were divorced. Sobeit.

Intros of LF to your kids? Wait and see on this is reasonable advice. You don't want to expose your children to "date of the week" (Not that you would) but there is a time and place when the intro needs to take place.

I find it hard to believe that a woman could have "just SF" with somebody that progress for a long period of time. A couple of times? Sure. But not over three to six months. She wants more. And you don't seem the type to stay in the middle of something unless she was a good person as well. So, her "sudden" maybe having feelings for you isn't unexpected.

Wanting to see pics of little Gabe and knowledge of whats going on in your homelife are attempts to build intimacy with you and developing a better and deeper relationship. When she stops asking is when you will know that the R is over.

LG

LG,


I see the tentative efforts to build intimacy/real relationship. We do have fun together and I'm always willing to share about a million baby photos. She knows the family thing is not about her as a person more about the history of the family.

1. This woman is falling in love with you right now. She states it and her actions prove it

2. If you do not face this then you will hurt her every time you continue the relationship.

3. If you continue boinking her without a condom she will "forget" taking the pill one of these days and you will have a pregnancy to worry about.

Good luck,.broken heart/pregnancy is in your future.

Bubbles,

I know that our situation is changing, but I don't know how I feel about it. I am using the O&H from MB, which I was not good at before. And we do use condoms, I just had a grandchild out of wedlock and I'm not signed up for another baby.

She is very very focused on her career and would not want a baby right now. She is only 27 (I can hear the 2x4's coming already). I do think you are right that if we continue we will need to discuss the children thing. She will only be 32 when my youngest head off to college.