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#2259935 05/13/09 02:05 AM
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GF has a long term friendship (6 years) with a married man from work that precedes our relationship. She claims its platonic, but it kinda bothers me. She's not secretive about it; they get together to run once or twice a week and are usually joined by another married male (GF's supervisor) from work, but sometimes not. They were training for an event which ended, but now they all have committed to another event in the future. So the training will continue weekly at least. I am not a distance runner. GF will run alone for exercise, but her friend does not. He only runs when she goes and/or their other male friend goes.

I'm trying to discern my feelings about it and want to check if I am just jealous and that's my stuff. Or what does a male/female friendship relationship trigger with me from my past (some negative feelings as my XW had platonic relationships and I never shared my feelings about them with her. Listening to how soandso did this, did that, etc. isn't that cool? Pass the ketchup).

I've shared my feelings with her and she says they are just friends. In general, I feel male/female friendships steal emotional energy from their primary relationships, but realistically should that make them taboo? Maybe if GF and I were spending 15 hours or more a week in SF, RC, Affection, Conversation, (which we are not) I would not feel this way.

Thoughts?



Last edited by jungian; 05/13/09 08:17 AM.
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I've asked moderator to move thread to GQII for more traffic.

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Also, I believe that GF's relationship with her male work friend began during her marriage to her XH.

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How about you snoop for awhile, just to see what is really going on? If you find that it IS entirely platonic, you can work to find a compromise you can both be comfortable with (no riding to runs together in a car alone, etc.). But if you find something inappropriate, at least you'll know what you're dealing with.

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If it bothers you, then it bothers you and needs to be addressed or you will remain jealous and start getting resentful. Is the running the only time they spend together?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Cat, br,
My fear is that these things sneak up on folks before they realize it. GF is very comfortable around males. Male friend probably could go for more if she initiated, but I really don't know. Bothers me that she is his common denominator in this activity.

I believe running is the only time spent together.

So, is this my stuff to own?

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It's a slippery slope. I'm very comfortable with males (I am a gamer so hang out with TONS of guys) and hence I know a bit about this situation.

When a woman hangs out with a man a man usually, naturally assumes that she is interested in him.

He may make a move based on this (I have had this happen.) perception...


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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It's true that these usually go under the radar until it's too late. Most EA's start as just friends and gradually progress. By the time things go too far "the fog" may have already set in.

I think the key question here is EN's. Are these friends meeting any of your GF's important ENs that you are not? If so, then I would say it is an EA and it needs to be addressed.

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Quote:
So, is this my stuff to own?


IMHO, no way. Not even close.

If your GF came to you and said "You doing X disturbs me." Do you think your answer would be "Well, it shouldn't disturb you."

If your happiness ranks below "running with OM" on her list of priorities and you let that go because your concerned you might come across as jealous, you've got bigger problems coming.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but you have a boundary (no friendship with OM), you've put it their to protect yourself, and now that your GF is "running" (no pun intended) up against it, you are trying to talk yourself into moving it as opposed to enforcing it.


Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered
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I don't think it's necessarily suspicious if they are working out together. I know a lot of runners, and it is very common for people to have running buddies. Running can be boring after a while. In my experience, runners could care less who they're running with as long as they're running with somebody. It's still worth keeping an eye on, but my guess is he is mostly a running partner.

Have you thought about taking up running? It's a great way to spend time together and you'll get in shape doing it.

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If thinking about this has you up at 2.30 in the morning, i would say it is definately bothering you. Read up on POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement). Also, read up on ENs (Emotional Needs). If Recreational companionship is high on her list of ENs, this could very easily progress into an EA and PA. Your W also needs to establish boundaries with men, as many waywards fall into that category by being 'friendly' to the opposite sex.


Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
jdr999 #2260445 05/13/09 02:14 PM
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jungian Offline OP
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The only EN he may be meeting more/better than me is Conversation. We don't talk a lot on a daily basis. Maybe 15 minutes at night. Plus I have a tendency to not listen well to the things that I don't like to hear that increase my anxiety and try to solve her problems. It's a lot easier to talk to someone when you are not in a relationship to appear so supportive and understanding and connected in some ways.

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Jungian,

I guess OMW knows about the relationship and is cool with it.

NJ

Gamma #2260458 05/13/09 02:37 PM
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newjersey,
I wonder about that. Why is it OK with his wife? If I was his wife, I don't think it would be OK with me. Maybe she is unable to express her feelings about it. I don't know, but I wonder.

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Does she even know?

Or maybe she's been lead to think this is a GUY her H is running with.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Ask his wife is she is OK with it. Do you stay home and take care of her kids while she goes out running and bar hopping with him?

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I HATE anything to do with affairs or inappropriate relationships.

However, I have ALWAYS had close male friends who were just that. A few started giving me bad vibes, and that is when I cut them out.

I am not suggesting you just trust her. If you feel uneasy, that says something.

How long has your relationship been exclusive? Are you both serious about a future?

Be honest. Do you tend to be a bit jealous or controlling in nature?

What is her past like? Has she been involved in an affair or does she display some inappropriate behavior other than training with a male friend?

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karmasrose,
I don't know what he tells his wife. She knows that they all went to race last Saturday together.

bubbles,
No. I don't babysit while she recreates with OMs. Geez.

faithhopelove,
We have been exclusive for a year and a half. Future? Maybe. Ya, I can be jealous. Controlling? Never. I'm a pitiful compromiser. No past affair behavior that I am aware of.


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