Now, I wonder about the trauma associated w/ having an A. What is it like to be the OP? The lying, the deceipt? Surely the life of an affairee is traumatic? Feeback from WS or from Betrayed's that know of their WS breaking down after the A due to trauma?

DUDE

I only wish...

My husband lost his mind when he left me for the OW on his first affair.

Sincerely lost it.

He was having an affair, and at the time I had no idea what was happening, and why he was being such a colossal jerk. Knowing what I know now, of course, it was the classic stuff. He would spend all his time away, tell me stupid stuff like he saw us as two people living together as roommates. He would start stupid fights over things like me asking if the heat was on or if I should turn it on. I had no clue, just knew I couldn't do anything right, and nothing made him happy.

He sat me down, and told me, "I don't love you. I never did love you. I never will love you."

He walked out the door with that - and I was completely devastated and stunned. No mention, of course, of the fact that he had fallen for a waitress in one of the clubs he was working (he was a musician).

Long story short, I dated lots of guys during our separation. He pined for the woman, who didn't even know he existed. She thought of him as a friend - she cheated with my H on her boyfriend, and then tossed H away like last night's newspaper!

Oh, yeah. He was in looooovvvve.

She wasn't. She was a user, in more ways than one. And he sat there, night after night, watching her pick up other men, in front of him. Because what he was - was just another ONS to her, and he had a fantasy. Ha.

And he left me for her.

Sooooooo. There he sat, with his words ringing in my ears, and I BELIEVED THEM. And I had moved on, because I was young, stupid, and believed what he said. Still, though, I loved the man.

He came crawling back.

And I took him back.

Then, he cheated again, on the very night he came home. What a pig.

And I was stupid enough to take him back again.


Because somewhere in there, he was someone I thought worthy of one more shot.


And we were good. For 28 years, it was good.

Then............


He somehow lost it all again.


Lesson learned. I'm trying now to figure out what that lesson is.


SB

Oh. Don't know if that answers your question.

But, I think that if someone is a WS and doesn't fix the problem right the first time, he is

DOOMED.

So, Dude, work on it, okay? Because your thinking lately really isn't what I would call "squared away".

SB

.

Dude,

""the trauma associated w/ having an A. What is it like to be the OP? The lying, the deceipt?""

You talking about the OP you had your RA with? And her trauma and emotional upheaval?

kirk

Schoolbus,

First I heard your story.

""Then, he cheated again, on the very night he came home. What a pig.""

Unbelievable and unbelievable you took him back!!

And now he is gone again?

Whew!!

My heart goes out to you.

kirk

My H was very remorseful almost immediately after Dday but he was still lying about the extent of the A. Once I got info from skank's BH I exposed to family and friends. H's head nearly blew up especially when he found out I told his mother. He KNEW his mom would take the news hard and was sick over facing her. I told my children and he couldn't look them in the face. I did not know of MB back then. Even if I had, not sure I would have kept the DJs and AOs in check. Furious is an understatement and H felt the fury. He lost about 20 within a month and looked like hell.

Six weeks of the hellish rollercoaster and another bomb blows up in my face just as I was starting to feel half way normal. I had it and I exploded all over H again. But this time was different. I went from screaming at him and trying to hurt him to becoming eerily calm and not caring within minutes. Long story short, I cut him with my words in the worst ways possible. I could SEE how broken he was and I didn't care. He become suicidial and the night got progressively worse. It was the worst night of our lives.

I don't know if words can describe it unless you've witnessed it yourself, but there is no justice or satisfaction in seeing someone broken to the point of dispair. It is very clear when you see TRUE brokeness. I thank God we survived. I know my pain as a BS is great but I would not want to live with the shame and hurt I know my H feels.

Schoolbus,

First I heard your story.

""Then, he cheated again, on the very night he came home. What a pig.""


Kirk,

You are not going to believe this, then.

We got back together after his first affair, a ONS.
Then, about two years later, he left me for the waitress. Came back, had another ONS the night he came back.

Yep. I took him back. That was back in 1979. He didn't cheat again until 2005.

And. I. Took. Him. Back. AGAIN.

Am I stoopid?

I am trying to figure this out. But this time, we did it the MB way - and we did it right. Because there will NEVER be a next time. Guaranteed. He won't have the chance. (Shotgun's loaded just kidding!)

And in there, back around the time of his first ONS, I also had a ONS. Back in 1976, things were not quite the same as now - hippies, you know.

Hello, Schoolbus,

I've seen your sage posts scattered across these forums, and it's clear your wisdom is born of pain. I hate to think that wisdom is proportional to the pain we endure, but sadly it seems to be the case.

I take it you have recovered your marriage after the repeat horror of 2005. I'd like to ask you, what was different in your husband that time, that he finally "got" it? What turned him around?

Right Here Waiting

Wow, kuddos to you, schoolbus. I know myself well enough to know that I lack the intestinal fortitude to do what you did. My H had an EA in 2005/06 and I am allowing it to destroy our marriage. I can not get past it. There are tons of other things not affair-related going on as well--perhaps if all the walls hadn't come down at once, I could have made it work but I woke up this AM and the first thing I said to myself was "I have allowed this marriage to crumble and now there's nothing I can do".

My WXH and his OW were both waywards and OPs. They do not appear to be traumatized whatsoever. The only hint of anything amiss is that they still put forth great efforts to project to the world how utterly happy they are - to the extent that even a total stranger might wonder what they are hiding. I don't believe it has anything to do with trauma at all. Both lost a lot of friends and family as a result of their actions and I think they are still justifying. Wow, 2 years is a long time to keep that up.

Before my hubby left for his FOW he was a mess, he was always mad, I did nothing right, he said he didn't want "this life" anymore. Our kids were horrible, the house was dump, work sucked, he even hated the dog.

When my hubby was living with the XOW he was a bigger mess, he gained like 50 pds, he stopped caring about his appearance, he even let his work appearence go, his uniform was always dirty he just stopped caring about everything. He acted like a deer caught in the headlights, I never saw anyone as confused and lost as he was, and ironically he was the one that created it and the only one that could fix, which he did.

My OP associated w/ my RA knew what was going on. We are still friends to this day. She feels NO remorse, and dare I say I have very little. She is doing just fine. The M vows were broken long before she came along. Those that know contract law, know once its broken be either party, it becomes null and void. You try and mess w/ someone's emotions and mental stability and get your a.. handed to you? Its justice. Sometimes we must drive the Karma bus. Sometimes life is fair and the abusers become the abused.

DUDE

Dude

There you go still trying to justify your affair and your OW's lack of character.

"Those that know contract law, know once its broken be either party, it becomes null and void."

Yeah, tell that to all the parties that got hauled into court and had the judge enforce the contract, and or award damages.

Where's Melody's fog horn?

Yeah, "SOMETIMES life is fair"

MY WH makes sure he tans, goes to the gym, he may have even lost a little weight. Hes happier than ever. He threw his family, friends, morals, and religion to the wind for OW. He see our son regularly though, at least. How do Waywards do this.

I on the otherhand feel extreme guilt for contributing to the crumbling of our marriage and my son losing his FAMILY> I have gained 40 pounds since d-day some of which is medication related. I look like hell. feel like hell. Cry unexpectedly all the time. feel a constant knot in my stomach knowing that WH is with someone else after all the years together.

THat he can just through someone away like trash especially his spouse is completely beyond me. How can you live with yourself after knowing that you have completely broken another human being?

I think I can post a little about this subject.

I'm sure the pain of the WS doesn't begin to match the pain on the BS but it was extremely painful for me- after I was out of the fog and realized what I had done.

I had to come to terms with what I'd done and that took a while. I found out I am bipolar but I truly cannot say that I use that as an excuse- because I knew what I was doing was wrong- yet I felt justified because my H had neglected me for years and refused to work on our marriage.

No matter what he did it didn't justify what I did- and it really took me a bit of time to come to terms with that- because you're so full of anger and justification.

It's been years and I still deal with the guilt- probably because I've been the "good" girl all my life and it's hard to deal with what I did to my children.

I'm remarried and very happy. My husband is a FBH and I'm a FWW- imagine that. Despite the fact that I'm happy I do continue to feel guilt. Despite the fact that I've asked for forgiveness from my Lord and the parties involved. Despite the fact that my children seem to be excelling and doing well every time the smallest negative happens I feel guilty because I contribute it to the fact I was divorced from their dad and everything that went along with it.

I'm a pariah with people I've known over 20 years. My ex inlaws who doted on me can barely stand to have a passing coversation with me. And that hurts. Even though I understand it, it hurts.

Another woman helps take care of my children now- and that hurts- and it's something I never considered when I had the A and left.

Although I considered myself a good person before I became wayward- and I consider myself a pretty good person now nothing I will ever do will make up for what I did. And I have to live with that everyday. And look myself in the mirror-which is quite a feat somedays.

But as others have said i am sure the trauma is significantly worse for the BS.

The worst trauma I have felt during my story was during the last few months of my A when it really started to dawn on me what I was doing. I coudn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think straight at all, I looked a total wreck and still couldn't work out what to do about it.

Eventually it came to me and I confessed. Started to feel slightly better - relief that I had ended it and relief that I could now be honest again.

Then it started to hit home again and I realised the damage that had been casued to all involved. Guilt - a very traumatic emotion.



I've just posted but just realised, I can't really work out why this thread was started and what the point of it is. Maybe I missed something, I'll go check.

Dude,

So, sometimes you drive the karma bus.

You are obviously not well schooled in the beliefs of karma.

Nobody has a driver's license for the karma bus.

I have to step back here a moment and look at the idea that a revenge affair "works".

Dude truly believes he paid his wife back for her affair.

He is here.
He has NO WIFE.
He did not save his marriage.
He remains friends with a woman he used for sex, and that woman carries no remorse or feeling regarding her behavior, or Dude's.
Dude carries no remorse for his behavior.
Dude would like - what?

His ex-wife back?


What would be the point? So he can run her over again?


Somehow, I do not find any logic whatsoever in revenge affairs.

Contract law has nothing to do with a MORAL COMPASS, Dude.

It also has nothing to do with recovering your marriage.

If you are angry - you learn to control your temper, not throw a fit like a three year old child.

Your revenge affair was a temper tantrum, nothing more.

Your continued justification - "she did it first" - is used on every playground in the world.

How old are you?

That excuse stopped working for me when I was about six. When I figured out that my own behavior was actually grounded in morals, righteousness, and good decision-making. Yes, I could make mistakes. I grew up faster when I owned them and figured out what I did wrong and WHY.

Pouting and stubbornly refusing to admit my mistakes kept me anchored in concrete for years. Don't be stupid.

SB