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#2261633 05/15/09 10:12 AM
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mbinva Offline OP
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Hey everyone, I am new to the forum and I am having a very difficult time.

I fouud out my wife was having an affair about three and a half months ago. I had a feeling she was up to something by her work hours and the way she was treating me. Then, one day I received a phone call from a woman telling me that my wife was seeing another man. The woman it turns out was the other guys x married lover that he dumped to start seeing and sleeping with my wife. He is married also.

I confronted her about the affair and she denied it from day one except to say that she had met someone and that they had talked on the phone twice. Two days later she said that they had spoken on the phone once and met each other out once. Two days after that she said that she had been speaking to him regularly every day and seen each other only once. I still did not believe what she was telling me but I was very nice and understanding while we waited to see a marriage councelor. I am under the impression that the affair was going on at least three or four months prior to her moving out but I can not be sure because she has never really answered any of my questions except to tell me that she was leaving the office and going to his house in the afternoon to have sex with him.

I finally lost my temper when three days before we were to go to counceling she started in on me about how bad of a husband I was and how the new guy listened to her and how nice he was to her (this was supposed to be a no talk day). Of course, he had no responsibility to her and never had to deal with her problems. I know that I am not perfect but this was all too much for me. As usual that night I could not get any sleep and when I woke up at 2:30am this time I was feeling as upset if not more than ever about the whole thing.

When she woke up at 5:15 she came into my office and started in on me again. I told her to get out of the house and never to come back. I just totally lost it. I also told her that I knew there was more to the affair than she was telling me. I went on to say that I knew she was getting screwed by this guy and so on.

I was legally able to throw her out because of our matrimonial agreement. I never realized how strong it was. Pretty much everything is in my name. We also have no children. We have been together for 19 years and 17 of those years were very happy ones. Then her mid life came crashing in. It has been a disaster ever since.

All along after my finding out about the affair she kept calling me and e-mailing me to tell me how sorry she was and how she never meant to hurt me. She also kept telling me how much she loved me. After being separated for a month and a half and having both signed a separation agreement contract she had kept telling me that she would like to reconcile. Finally one evening I went to her apartment and had dinner with her and she told me a little more about the affair, how she had created a large wound in my heart that was her responsibility to heal and so on. She said that she really wanted to get back together, that she would never see him again, how she had only been with him once since we split (a major league lie)and how she also wanted to move to a different part of town and to buy a house over there. Essentially she wanted me to put a down payment on the home and she would make the payments. She also suggested that I keep the other house and sell it later when the market got better and then we could move in together. This worried me especially after because of our matrimonial agreement she got none of my estate and was only able to keep what was hers. I should note that she is very generously paid by her company (six figures) of which she is the president.

The day after our talk I went to lunch near where she lives now and low and behold there they were having lunch together. I left and waited outside and sure enough after lunch they proceeded across the street to her apartment and stayed at her place for close to an hour. I was freaking out!

Now another month and a half has passed. I know now that she and her lover are the most difficult of adultrists. They started as friends and that evolved into a sexual relationship. I also know that they still see each other often and likely engage in intercourse regularly. She considers him her best friend and other than him she only has one other friend.

My dilemma is what to do now. We are almost four months into our separation and she has just removed her final belongings from the house. That was a very emotional event for the both of us. She and I talked of reconciliation but I told her that I could not even begin to think of the process until after she ended her relationship. Like I said I know that they are still with each other as much as the guy can get away from his family and job.

What do I do? I told her not to ever contact me again until she has stopped seeing him. Yet it is still so traumatic and emotional for me. I just can't stop thinking about how much I loved her and I do still care for her. This was so unlike her but I also know that we were having issues and her libedo had taken off in a major way a little over a year and a half ago. She is also very insecure yet also very pretty. Sexually I have no problems but I was not interested in some of the things that she had wanted for me to take part in.

So, what do I do? I have not talked to her in a few days and I have sent her the note telling her not to contact me again. Yet I have some friends that say they think we could still make it work while others say once the trust is gone not just once, but twice after seeing her again with him the day after she swore to never see him again.

Should I even remotely be considering reconciliation? I miss her greatly but I am scared to death. She says that she is as well. What are the chances of her getting back with this guy that she has said in the past is like Heroin to her?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

M


mbinva #2261656 05/15/09 10:28 AM
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Is he married...

You should expose the affair to his family....his wife has the right to make informed decisions about her life and health...does he have children.....

ark

mbinva #2261666 05/15/09 10:32 AM
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M: Sorry you are here...but glad you are here. MB.com peeps will be along shortly to give you great advice! Keep reading, reading and reading.

REad up on exposure, Plan A and Plan B. I'm thinking you are probably ready for some serious Plan B! And Expose this affair to everyone who is involved or close -- co-workers, OMs wife/GF, parents, your wife's parents, friends, family, etc.

Strike that, first you must look and see if you want to attempt recovery with this woman. If you have no kids it might just be best to move on. Sorry, should have said that first.

Best wishes and keep reading and posting. LG


3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
Custody of DDs / new job(s) / "I'm alive...and well"
ark^^ #2261669 05/15/09 10:34 AM
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mbinva Offline OP
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I am not sure about his exact identity yet. She has not divulged to me and I can not get from his auto info. Don't know if I want to follow.

When I told her I was going to expose she went crazy. She thinks I know who he is but I do not for sure.

mbinva #2261673 05/15/09 10:37 AM
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Do NOT believe ANYTHING she says to you right now.

mbinva #2261677 05/15/09 10:40 AM
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oh you need to find out and expose....

nothing breaks up an affair better than the light of day....

can you get a look at her cell phone...
do they work together...

can you follow him....



mbinva #2261680 05/15/09 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by mbinva
Should I even remotely be considering reconciliation?

That's up to you to decide ... for me, the deal-breaker would have come the minute I realized she was rubbing my face in her A by brazenly declaring:

Quote
she was leaving the office and going to his house in the afternoon to have sex with him.

That statement alone would get her a visit from the Sheriff serving her D papers.

Last edited by MyRevelation; 05/15/09 10:42 AM.
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mbinva Offline OP
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Why does she want to be my friend, possibly reconcile, tell me that she loves me and never wanted to hurt me? Is that just to make her feel better? She sent my mom a mothers day card and an update on one of the pets we used to own(she gave away her beloved Parrot about the same time (I think) that she was getting involved sexually with this guy.

Should add that she was reading some really skanky books. Then after getting satisfied sexually by him (I think) she stopped reading them.

I am sure they were sleeping together allot because of all the sanitary wipes she was carrying in her purse.

M

mbinva #2261686 05/15/09 10:49 AM
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You have been all over the map and some of the things you did were really smart and some were really dumb. From here on out you have to first decide:
Do you want to try to reconcile?

IF SO...

Read up on ENs and figure out what your WW's ENs are and try to meet them. It is difficult when she's living somewhere else but it can be done.

Read up on LBs and eliminate them completely. LBs will kill love faster than you can nurture it.

Expose the A to WW's parents, your parents, OM's wife, the CEO *and* head of HR where they work (do this in writing, certified letter). Expose to anyone else that has influence over their marriages. DO NOT tell her you're going to expose, it will give her time to do damage control before you call anyone and then when you DO expose nobody will believe you and you'll look/feel like a fool. When you expose, do it all at once, not in dribs and drabs.

When you expose, she will be FURIOUS. If you're lucky. The more angry she is, the more she cares about the marriage and the more guilty she feels about the affair. If you expose and she doesn't bat an eye then it's because she doesn't care.

How long have you been married?
Any children?
Why do you want to stay married to her?

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mbinva Offline OP
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In our agreement I am not supposed to be following her or stalking her. I don't want to get sued. Besides, if I start following her and all that am I not just going to make myself even more crazy?

This whole process thru divorce should only cost me $6000 or less where if I did not have the pre-nup agreement I had in place it could have cost me well over a million dollars.

Her quote when I threw her out "I thought it was usually the guy that had to leave". I thold her that maybe that was because it was usually the guy that had the affair but not this time.

Man, why am I such a mess? How long is it going to take me to pull out of this funk?

M

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mbinva #2261691 05/15/09 10:55 AM
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Hire a Private Investigator to find out info on OM, then Expose to OM Family.

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mbinva Offline OP
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By law I am not allowed to interfere in her work/employment. They call that tortious interference in her employment and I could get slammed in court for that. My lawyer told me to stay clear of her work. He insisted on it. Her mom has a chronic heart issue and I do not want to kill her and get blamed for that. I have told everyone in our small town about the affair. Word gets around quickly especially if you believe in the rule of 6's.

M

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mbinva Offline OP
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If I found the true identity of her lover would that not just be playing him moreso into her life? Then she would have him full time if he was to be thrown out of his relationship with his wife.

Even after she suspected I know of his identity they have not stopped their routine. Barely even changed it except that he sleeps with her at her place rather than at his home on the couch during the day when his wife was at work. She admitted that the had sex on the couch.

My GOD this has been difficult!

M

mbinva #2261712 05/15/09 11:06 AM
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Originally Posted by mbinva
Her mom has a chronic heart issue and I do not want to kill her and get blamed for that.
It would be WW's affair, not you. And I have NEVER heard of anyone dying from a heart attack due to bad news. You're making excuses.

What about exposing to OM's wife, have you done that yet?

How long have you been married?
Are there children involved? If so, what are their ages?

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mbinva Offline OP
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No kids here. Do I want to go through the effort to really find the guys real identity? I would have to follow them and then it just gets me more worked up. What good would it do me other than making him more accessable to my wife if his wife was to throw him out. They are in their mid 40's and I am in my mid 50's.

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She sent my mom a mothers day card and an update on one of the pets we used to own(she gave away her beloved Parrot about the same time (I think) that she was getting involved sexually with this guy.


Oh my gosh

Find that parrot may be it will sing like a canary!!!!

I am not making fun of this...I could not resist

arkie

(sorry)










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Originally Posted by turtlehead
It would be WW's affair, not you. And I have NEVER heard of anyone dying from a heart attack due to bad news. You're making excuses.

Actually, I've seen it. I was loosely involved with a case 15+ years ago, where an elderly couple (the W was not in good health) had co-singed and mortgaged their farm to help their son launch a business. When the business failed, the bank sent a strongly worded demand letter to the parents and on the day it was received, she died within hours of a heart attack.

The father sued the bank for wrongful death, and drug the case out for years. When it was finally settled, I doubt the relatively small settlement was enough to pay his attorney's hard costs, but it was extremely costly for the bank to defend, and caused a lot of reputational risk for the bank in the community. It was a lose-lose situation for all parties, EXCEPT the bank's attorneys ... they did very well for themselves on this case.

IMHO, once mbinva decides he is going for Plan D, then he needs to follow his attorney's advice as there is no longer any M to R. So gaining intelligence on OM and exposure is unnecessary, and potentially legally harmful to mbinva.

mbinva ... nice work on the pre-nup!!! wink laugh

mbinva #2262135 05/16/09 04:43 AM
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Sorry you're here mb.

I'd be onto Plan D myself especially since there are no children to consider. Your WW is obviously a liar and cheater but on top of that she's a gold digger. Calling you over to ask for a down payment on a house while she's banging POSOM...WTF? I'd file ASAP.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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mbinva Offline OP
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You guys are right. Staying together is just wishful thinking on my part. And was for some reason part of hers. I think that she wanted the down payment on the house as a way of making me pay for the pre-nup that saved me from getting skinned and landed her into an apartment for the first time in 20 years. It is actually a apartment that was converted into a Condo and her company let her use it for a reduced price. They are showing it tomorrow and I am hoping they will sell it and force her to move for the second time in three months. Would serve her right! :-)

I have to wait till August 9th before I can file for D so I will just cruise.

None the less this all hurts a great deal as she was such a great wife for so long. I guess single life will just have to set in. At 54 I am really not looking forward to it.

Thanks,

M


mbinva #2262281 05/16/09 12:58 PM
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M, Do you love your wife still? If you do then you need to get pro-active. All BS are wounded. Don't let pride take over. You have a long term M.

Get a PI. You do not tell her, so you will get the information that you need. Good chance OM is married. Expose. If it will affect your pre-nup have someone else call the wife. Pretend you know nothing.

you just have to make up your mind. Why do you have to wait till August?

Good luck


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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