My decree is written so that we have joint legal custody. I have the ability/authority to make the major decisions regarding the children as long as I keep their father informed. At the time we divorced, he was not someone with whom I could negotiate. He would have fought me tooth and toenail over everything.

Joint decision making....it would not have worked with us. If you disagree, someone has to have the major portion.....a 50/50 split would not work if there was any conflict or difference of opinion.

You can try it if you want but I think someone has to be given the edge in those situations. Otherwise, who decides?

In my state PA, the default is that there is shared legal custody, meaning decisions regarding schools, medical care and religious upbringing are joint decisions. The problem is states have different definitions for the same terms. So even though you two work it out, you may want to run it by a lawyer to figure out exactly what you are signing up for. The reason for the divorce settlement and custody agreement is because the spouses do not trust each other. What you agree to now will have long-term implications, including financial ones. In other words, I personally would hire a lawyer. But, I know people who have had very positive experiences with mediators.

Also, if you're not good with numbers, find a trusted friend who is. This idea of you remaining in the house with the kids is nice, but what if you have to buy out her equity? That's different than if she's giving you the house.

Since you're talking custody -- What if LG gets 100% physical with WW getting visitation and shared legal then...this is just an example, LG...something happens to LG.

Would WW end up with physical custody? I'm wondering if you could set up a legal agreement that if you could not have physical custody of the kids could someone else take them?

LG -- this is what I'm pondering in my situation. Even though my kids are teens, I do not want POSOW anywhere near my kids. And should anything happen to me, I do not want my girls having to move in with WH and POSOW and POSOW's teenage boys.

I'd want them to live with their grandparents or aunt/uncle until they turn 18.

Any thoughts for both LG and me?

I'm going to post this on my divorce forum thread also...

Since DDay#3 I've been sleeping like crap...imagine that. Past five days or so I've been able to sleep a little, but I'm waking up around 2:00 - 3:00 AM in a puddle of sweat shivvering my tail off(?) WTF?

Stress related I'm sure. Any one else go through this?

UPdate: STBxWW just came down stairs with the look of dismay on her face...and asked me if there was *any way we can recover this marriage*??

I was calm, cool and cucumberish and said, nope. No explanations, just nope. She's reaching deeper and deeper...getting closer and closer to rock-bottom.

Good, keep up the great work.

HolyHeart, unless your XH actually waves his parental rights or there is only "supervised visitation", there is almost no way you can say his children can't live with him after you're dead. Unless there is abuse, the courts generally hold that the surviving parent gets custody. My sister-in-law's children went to live with my other sister-in-law rather than their dad because their father is an out-of-control alcoholic. However, he agreed to this arrangement. It wasn't court mandated. Also, since your children are teens the court will take into account where they want to live.

What you can do, is tie up the trust money to ensure access to your parents and family. In other words, make one or two of your family members trustees of the children's inheritance. I carry half a million in life insurance on myself to be divided between my girls. My brother is named as the trustee of the money, and I think my sister is the second trustee.

LG, I don't wake up in a puddle of sweat, but I do wake up all the time even with Ambien CR. I hope it gets better for you.

LG,

I'm sorry to hear about all you're going through. If you're still looking for advice on how to get through this... here are some thoughts from someone who's been there.

- If you haven't seen a doctor yet, please do. Anti-depresant meds could help with your depression and lack of sleep. They were a "life saver" for me - no pun intended!

- If you appear to be "OK", then your kids will be OK. Make them the most important part of your life for now. You are not responsible for the xWW's welfare anymore... just the kids. I was amazed at how much more time and energy I had once I quit worrying about all of HIS problems and started enjoying my own life and my kids'.

- You really need to figure out a way to go with Plan B. It will make it much easier for you to concentrate on taking care of yourself and your kids. It will also help her understand the ramifications of her decisions. I don't think my xWH really "got" it until I refused to talk to him unless he gave up the girlfriend.

- I heard some good advice once that no one should even consider looking for a relationship with someone else until they are happy being alone. It was good advice. So many (men especially - sorry) rush into a new relationship right away. There are much worse things than being alone.

- As for reducing divorce costs, if she decides to play hardball, it will get expensive no matter what you do. I'd recommend deciding what's really important to you (i.e. custody of the kids) and don't compromise on that. Compromise on everything else. It's really not worth arguing over STUFF that can be replaced.

Take a day at a time and be a great dad!

Neese
3 great kids during 22 years of marriage
kicked alcoholic WH out 11/07... he's been sober since 10/08
started legal separation paperwork 1/08... final 1/09

Question: If I'm getting child support and alimony/spouse support, how is that taxed?

If it comes from her post-tax dollars, do I still have to pay tax on that money?

Confused...any help out there?

I believe that child support is not taxable. However, I'm not sure abuot alimony.

In my experience, I had to report alimony as taxable income. He was able to deduct that from his income for IRS purposes. I do not have to pay income tax on the child support I receive. Another issue you need to consider is who will have the IRS deduction for the children. I get that, too, for both children every year - we have no alternating or splitting.