I've been lurking here for a little while and reading some of the great stuff that Dr Harley has on this site.
I think many of you will judge me and think I'm rationalizing in order to justify the affair, but here is my story and my question for you all who have been there before.
I've been married for 19 years. I have 4 children. I have a job that is very stressful and I work 80 hours a week. My husband's job is flexible in it's hours (and pay) and involves writing and travel, ...he is always writing something and never available, when he is at home his mind is on his work. He leaves me to deal with the kids and my own demanding job and is either physically or emotionally unavailable. He has recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety which explains the years of him sleeping and never helping with the kids, never getting up in the morning to help and always going to bed before any of us, spending the weekends sequestered away or shouting at us, making the kids cry.
5 years ago I had an affair with a man who met my unmet emotional needs. He is a kind person, despite what I've read on other posts which seem to depict the OM as horrible for becoming involved with a married woman, and potentially me as blindsighted for not recognizing that. Any kindness or loving behaviour that my husband could have displayed has been covered up over the years with very severe depression...manifested as anger and hate. Yet I - even as the "bad" spouse who cheated, am filled with resentment about how our life together has been. I now realize it was wrong to have become involved with this other person. I am sorry that I didn't try to address the issues with my husband or leave him first - but I was afraid of him and his violent behaviour and had no self esteme at the time. Now I have created this whole mess.

I feel so guilty for hurting the people involved and I don't know what to do. Sounds trite, I know. I have tried breaking it off with the other man but then my husband leaves for 3-4 months at a time on business and we started being in contact again.

I feel like I haven't been married for a long time, possibly for ever. Even when we first got married he immediately left to live in another country for a few months.

I'm afraid of giving our marriage a chance, I guess, I'm trying to explore this with honesty...I wonder if it's just over. I know my kids do love their dad but they also are of the age where they know that I am not happy and they are mad at him too because they see him as lazy, angry and mean.

My friends and family do not know about the affair...no one does. They think I should leave my husband just because they think he's a lazy bum. I know I should have left him before I got involved with someone else.

For those of you who have done counselling tell me if it helped you to clarify these issues?

Has anyone had a similar situation to mine and could a marriage recover from this?

My Love Bank is depleted....I know this might sound crazy but I don't know if I can ever forgive my husband for his behaviour over the years....even though I'm the one that cheated.

Your OM is low morale low life. As all OM they will say and do what ever is needed to get laid by a WW.

You were weak and ripe to be tempted into an affair. It's natural for you to be confused as to divorce or recover your marriage.

You have learnt that an affair does not improve a marriage.

What you need to do is to go NC, no contact with the OM. Then you need to tell your BH about the affair. You need to be honest and willing to answer your BH's questions.

Then you and your BH will need IC and MC to sort out this mess. Your marriage can be saved if decided on by the both of you. Though counciling will be needed to help create a new and better marriage. Where both of you will get your needs met.

How did you meet the OM?

Your BH needs a new job that will keep him home.

FOG HORN A BLOWIN'!!!!!

4OT,

It's great that you have sought out MB but you are still making excuses and trying to justify your A. My H has a stressful job, works 60+ a week, is on call day and night, and travels leaving me to handle the household almost single handedly (and I work too) and I did not cheat. If anyone had "reason" to cheat it was me not my H.

You say 5 yrs ago you had an A. Unless I misread you are still in the A. Your H very well may be lazy and mean (but coming from you who knows) but you know what?...having a wife that puts more time into some POSOM or complaining to her family and friends about what an lazy bum he is is plenty of reason to be depressed and angry.

Your H did not "make" you cheat. You choose that of your own free will vs working on your marial problems or leaving so don't blame your H for that. He may have plenty to own but you have some nerve to say he "made" you cheat. GMAFB!

POSOM is just that....a POS! He is not kind. He has the character of a flea ridden dirtbag covered in scum and crap. You are lying to yourself if you want to believe otherwise. POSOM treats you and others like dirt. That's not something to admire him for.

You need to go NC with OM and tell you H and BW (if there is one) of your A...unless this is just for show and you are looking for misguided sympathy.

Welcome to MB.

TheRoad, you are right about needing IM and MC I think. I am so mad though. That's what I realized when I was trying to explore why I did it. Like others, I did think I'd be the last person in this situation.

When H is away, the tension in the household is gone.I came to realize that I like it when he is gone. Kids are happier. Isn't that awful? I don't really want him to be at home. I am so angry that I don't know if I can listen to a MC who might tell me that there are needs on my H side I "should" have been meeting too, KWIM? I swallowed this anger for so many years that I'm worried I'm going to explode.

Black-Raven....you are right too. That's why I put the "made" in quotes.
But, try to put yourself in my shoes for a minute. I do not complain to my family and friends about my H. Not at all. I am not that type. If anything, the problem was I felt that I deserved to be treated the way I was by H. I didn't have enough self respect not to, and it appears I didn't have enough integrity not to have the A.

I for sure am not looking for misguided sympathy. Well, in truth, I don't know what I'm looking for. I feel like I've made such a mess of my own life (not to mention others).

No,

if you did not complain about your H, or aquiesce or demur when they are expressing their wonderment at how your H left you all the time, or defend him as a good wife or husband should in public, they would NOT call him a lazy bum.

It's as simple as that.

I wonder, are you quite sure your husband doesn't know about your affair, and is there only one, either EA or PA?

SWW

Oh yeah,

I am sorry but your OM is a POSOM and used you. Best to come to grips with that. He is not sweet and loving and did it all just to comfort you.

He used you for sex and the return affirmation. Nothing more.

4OT,

Of course the tension is gone when your husband isn't home. When he is gone you don't have to spend your time tip-toeing around things so that you don't spill the beans about your affair. When he is gone you don't have to maintain the wall between you, built by your own hands, that keeps him at arms length so that honesty and openness and real intimacy can't take place.

As for why the kids are happier when he isn't around, that is probably just your observation because you are less tense and more relaxed when you aren't having to actively keep up the mask that you hide behind when he is home.

Nobody "made" you have an affair any more than anyone "made" you come here. So now that you are here, what do you want to do? Do you want to become a woman of honor or do you hope someone will blow smoke up your skirt? The latter isn't likely to happen here, and it won't be those who were betrayed that will be hardest on you but the ones who themselves betrayed their spouses.

Read a few of the longer threads in the General Questions II forum under Infidelity. See what kind of devastation affairs bring to the betrayed and the betrayer alike.

All the things you said about your marriage being over a long time ago and all the rest of the justifications you can come up with can already be found in the pages of these forums. Almost any betrayed spouse here could write out a list that would include just about anything you could come up with. Anybody who has been here much more than a week has heard a lot more than you would believe. Any time you begin by saying "It was my fault (or I did this) and then say "but..." you can bet that your words will be jumped on by someone.

Welcome to Marriage Builders...

Hi 4ot

All your "justifications" sound just like mine. All the symptoms of your A are just like mine. Your H sounds like my H's twin.

You are in the right place to get some help. I'm still learning but I now well and truly know that there is no justification for an A. There is justiication to try and improve your lot and your H's mental health or there is the possibility of justification for a divorce but not for an A.

As Mark says have a look at GQII. You will get great advice here to set you on your chosen path.

If you want to focus on your M then confess all and go No Contact. It helped me to stay focussd knowing that my family and friends knew that I had an A. They could support me and H to give us time together and I knew I was being watched at every turn as I came to terms with the fact that OM was never ever going to figure in my life again at all.

Wishing you light, integrity and honesty as you start this journey.

4ofthem
How on earth do you expect to have a decent marriage if you work 80 highly stressed hours per week and your H is away for months at a time?

I'm guessing work drains your time and energy, and your H and kids get the scraps.

Seems to me marriage and family just isn't that important to you or your H. I feel sorry for your kids.

Tell me - what is it about your work that is so important to you? Is it the money? Do you get a kick out of it?

Imagine how depressing it must be for your H and kids to know how little they matter to you.

Rotten husband or callous wife?

I agree there's great advice for building marriages on this site but it won't work if you don't have time and energy for it.

Neither. I wish I could give up the job. But it is sort of an insurance policy.....if I give up, there is a good chance I will not get another job at all.

Another poster asked if there was another A....and no.


I appreciate your replies and your patience.

Overall, counselling harmed my marriage. I think phone counselling with the Harleys or a MB-aware counsellor is worth considering.


IMO your M can recovered. This is what I think would be needed.

First, honesty. Tell your H about your A and your unmet needs. Invite him to be honest too. Your H, it seems, may have many unmet needs too including DS and might have had an A too.

Secondly, ask your H if he wants to be married to you still. I'm assuming you want to be married to him, only because you're here.

End your affair. Write a no-contact letter. Take extraordinary precautions to ensure no contact with your OM, change jobs and move house if needed. Is he married? Tell his W. Give your H access to your phone records and email accounts, and a full account of your time.

Then, go through the MB process. The LB questionnaire, ENQ. If your H won't do this, fill out his Q's for him.

Meet his ENs, eliminate your LBs.

Give each other 15 hours a week of undivided attention. Learn the Groundrules of Negotiation. Geez, it's all on this site, or in Harley's books.

I still think this is all not going to work if you keep working such long hours. Do you want a marriage or an insurance policy?

4oT,

No matter how greatly you want to believe otherwise, any man (OM) who would have a relationship with a married woman is a DISHONORABLE AND INDECENT MAN.

If he is married, any man that would cheat on his wife, emotionally or physically, is a DISHONORABLE AND INDECENT MAN.

Don't believe for one second that it will eventually become otherwise...its like the serpent tempting Adam into biting from the forbidden apple.

Your marriage feels dead and stale to you...and BOTH of you are responsible for that. EXHAUST EVERY OPTION to renew and restore your marriage in complete sincerity (and that means complete and perpetual NC with the OM and telling your H about him) FIRST.

In the worst case scenario, if you have indeed exhausted every option (and you haven't by your own admission right now), then consider divorcing TO BE ON YOUR OWN FOR A WHILE. You are nowhere near that point yet...

How in the world did you find the time to boink OM???

Simply pathetic excuses for your disgusting behavior.

I have been in your shoes. Not as a wayward but as one that has a lot on her plate.


Let's just say that's true, you do nothing to defend you BH to them and let them bash him over and over? That's just as bad.


Just as your H didn't "make" you have an A, no one here can "make" you do anything you don't want to. If you choose to continue down your destructive path just don't be surprised when one day others, especially your children, think very little of you. If POSOM is so wonderful why not scream it from the rooftops?