I'd like to hear thoughts on what I think is the prevalence of middle-aged women having a mid-life crisis marked by an affair, or if it's just me projecting my own situation.

We are in our mid-40s and I am convinced my wife is and has for several years been going through some type of mid-life crisis. She's all about her "privacy", having an identity of her own apart from me, not being "controlled", being able to "live my life" and other such babble. About 18 months ago, she had a brief email EA with her ex-fiance from 20-plus years ago. I'm convinced it would have gotten out of control, maybe even gone PA, if I hadn't busted her in the first few days.

She denied for more than a year that she had done anything unfaithful and began talking about being able to do what she wanted for a change and not having to answer to me or be "controlled." She said it did not concern me and that they were taking care of unfinished business. I didn't recognize her any more. It was like an alien possessed my wife's body.

Also, I was talking to a friend recently who lives in a completely different part of the country and he said he thinks middle-aged women having affairs is an "epidemic." He said he knew of at least three friends whose marriages were ending or in trouble because the 30- or 40-something wife went wacko and had an affair. One of them was, predictably, with a high school sweetheart.

Certainly plenty of middle-aged men have affairs as well and have done so since time began. It just seems like wayward 40-something women are becoming more common.

It's probably because of our ages that I'm acutely aware of the many people on this board who are suffering through a spouse's affair after roughly 20 years of marriage. The latest I read today was AtMan, whose wife hooked up with an old boyfriend on Facebook after being married 20 years.

Am I imagining this or is there something to it?

For the life of me, I do not know or understand what a mid life crisis is. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. The behavior of so-called mid life crisis people is the EXACT same behavior as those who are cheating. People in their 20's, 30's, 50's and 60's all act the same way when they are having an affair/seeking an affair so it is confusing to me why we call it a mid life crisis when 40 year olds do it.

I am just confused. Really.

Melody,

I know what you're saying. People of all ages and seasons of life have affairs.

The primary difference is that the mid-life crisis affair seems to occur at a particular point in life (40-something and married around 20 years) and it is a person that would never, ever expect they would be tempted to have an affair. They've been a dutiful, loving, faithful spouse and parent for years. Then they have a personality change.

In my amateur internet research on the subject, those having a mid-life crisis are described as exhibiting a pattern of behavior that is identifiable and different than those of the average "cheating spouse."

These include talk of feeling "trapped" for years in an unsatisfying marriage and the treadmill of being a parent and spouse; bemoaning unrealized dreams of what they thought their life would be like; excessive reminiscing about their youth and past loves; wanting "independence" and "freedom" from their spouse; change in appearance.

It seems to coincide with that time of life when many people start looking back on their life and reminiscing and getting nostalgic. I think this is why sites such as MyLife, Classmates, and the like are so popular.

It seems to be a separate and distinct condition apart from garden variety infidelity.

Huh? Have to agree with Mel. This is nothing more than fog babble to justify bad choices. What is the "average" cheating spouse?

I think there is a thing called a mid-life crisis - I would have never suspected my FWH to stray....I think it's just when you hit your 40's the "hectic" part of raising kids begins to slack off and you have a chance to take a breath, look around and...what? All of a sudden you realize that a good part of your lifetime has passed you by and you're looking across the room at a person that you probably haven't had a chance to just sit down and talk intimately to for the past 15 years. It's been happening to men for years - only they usually go for the younger woman I think because they want to feel needed and 'manly' again. I think the 40-something woman wants not just a younger man, but THE man that she used to be attracted to when she was young - therefore the old boyfriend thing. I think I agree with Melody though...it's all selfishness - that "I want what I want right now because I deserve it" common to ALL WS, regardless of age

Ottert,

I can't speak to women having midlife crises, but having witnessed my H's first-hand, I can tell you it's a horrible, painful thing that affected everyone he loves.

H began complaining of mild midlife crisis symptoms in about 2006 and these focused on his job. Starting in August 2007 his symptoms began to worsen dramatically. He kept changing personalities trying to figure out who the heck he was and was generally acting in ways that were highly unusual for him. It was so obvious that something was very wrong, particularly to our family and dear friends who didn't see him very often. He even had several strangers tell him he seemed like he was having a midlife crisis.

At the same time his favorite band from his high school days began touring and he began planning his 30th high school reunion. As we like to joke now, it was a perfect storm which led to all kinds of insane behavior. The infidelity didn't start until about 6 months in.

I've done a ton of reading about midlife crisis. One way to explain it is to think of it as a transition period between the first and second halves of life. In the first half of life, we always have something to look forward to: turning 16 and driving, graduating high school, college, turning 21, getting a real job, getting married, buying a home, having kids. The transition to the second half of life comes when we feel we don't have anything (other than retirement and death) to look forward to. Then we're forced to look inward and make an assessment of our lives.

For those people who are generally introspective, the transition can go very smoothly. For those who aren't and for those who are plagued with other problems (childhood abuse, substance abuse, depression, etc.), the transition can be much more difficult. In my H's case, his father died just after H left high school when he was still screwing around and not taking life seriously. H feels deep regret for how he messed up his life during that time and I think all the high school nonsense was his way of trying to have a do-over. H also is a master at avoiding problems. He distracts himself almost every waking hour to keep from confronting his inner self. He wants to start therapy, but I think he's afraid of what he'll have to face.

There's a great book written by a Jungian analyst named James Hollis called "Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life."

It (generally) takes a male and a female for an A, and I think that a lot of these deep psychological issues apply equally to both.

How confident are you that your wife is being faithful to you now? People with nothing to hide typically don't get hung up on "privacy" (which is really "secrecy," which is essential to infidelity).

I agree that it is still not an excuse to have an A , but i believe my FWH had a mid-life-crisis prior to his A.

I'm very confident she is not having any kind of literal affair. I can account for 99.99% of her time. Unless she has a secret web-based email account or another cell phone, there has been no contact with the ex or anyone else inappropriate.

I have very little confidence, however, that she is safe from temptation. I don't think she is devoted to me in her heart. She thinks I am extreme and overboard on my demand for boundaries in our marriage. She thinks married people should have privacy from each other. She thinks I should ask permission to see her emails or check cell phone records. She gets angry if ask any details of her schedule or whereabouts. She thinks it is disrespectful of me to suspect her of anything.

She has since confessed, grudgingly, that she betrayed me and was unfaithful. But she doesn't show any remorse and acts as if she has no responsibility to rebuild trust. It's the main reason I can't heal completely and our marriage is still not recovered. We are in counseling, but the past 18 months have aged me 10 years. The anguish, heartache, and fear weigh on me constantly.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to share your story and views.

You are describing my WH to the T.

The problem is that they continue to age. Every day they look in the mirror, they see a person a day older than the day before.

And the issues of feeling trapped and unfulfilled will continue to follow them into the next relationship.

"Men in Midlife Crisis" helped me understand that as the left behind spouse, I can't do anything to speed up the transition. He needs to get through it by himself.

Unfortunately, the 10 year younger, free spirited blond OW feeds into his insecurities.

I wish he had just gone out and bought the red sports car. Woulda been a lot less painful and cheaper on his family.

So -- anyone out there -- if your spouse wants a car BUY IT.

When you are in your teens and 20s, you have grand plans. You don't see reality. YOu think you can take on the world. You think that marrying this person will give you a fairy tale life and you don't want to (or can't) see the day to day reality of marriage - only the pretty babies, the nice house, the 'loving' spouse. So when reality sets in and you start making compromises, as you should in a marriage, you get further and further away from that fairy tale you thought life was. One day, you come to that 'point' where you see plain as day that it is too late to achieve that stuff you wanted. That 'this' is the life you've got; maybe you did all the right things but it still didn't turn out as good as you hoped; maybe you made mistakes and now wish you could turn back time.

If it's a man, he's given up all the fun stuff he did as a youngster in return for a wife and kids, but those things aren't as fun. Wouldn't it be nice if I could just have that 'fun' stuff back? In the end, the wife does her own thing, the kids grow up and don't want to play with dad any more, so all that sacrificing led to...what?

If it's a woman, she's put herself on the back burner to make sure the kids are good, the house is nice, the husband keeps a great reputation and feels loved (like all good girls are supposed to do), but in the end, the kids grow up and leave, the H has his own world, and all that sacrificing led to...what?

IMO, if the couple can keep the marriage fresh, always stay on top of it, keep asking questions, they can avoid that trap. If not, you get what looks like a MLC but is really just an assessment of where your sacrifices got you.

People have mid-life crisises without having A's. People also have A's without the mid-life crisis. But it sure seems common for the 2 to conincide. My WXH was definitely having a mid-life crisis. He was 39 at the time and had all sorts of other characteristics (DS just left for college, career was hitting somewhat of a glass ceiling, dad died 2 years prior to this etc.). His OW was 44 at the time. Though she's the right age, I don't think it was a MLC for her as she is a long-time serial cheater and adultery is as natural to her as breathing.

You summed it up very accurately, cat.

I think your description of the woman is where my wife is, though she would never admit it was a "mid-life crisis." She was a stay-at-home mom for 15 years. I can see how she would feel like she had spent the best years of her life on the diaper-changing, nose-wiping, minivan-driving, husband-supporting, cooking, cleaning, mommy/wife treadmill. All while I got to get out of the house and go to work every day and be around adults. I was getting satisfaction from work and having my ego stroked while she was in what she saw as a never-ending, thankless rut.

I tried to be understanding through the years and help out. I was not the type of husband that came home from work and said "Where's my dinner?" In addition to my job and the usual "man" chores, I did laundry, scrubbed toilets, washed dishes, vacuumed, bathed the kids and put them to bed after reading and playing with them...lots of other stuff like that. She got nights off every week while I stayed home with the kids. I didn't go off with the guys and play golf all the time. If I did play or fish or hunt, I often took the kids with me. Also, in the last 8-10 years she got to go on many trips all over the U.S. and around the world with me and live like a movie star for a week at least once a year and sometimes more. So it wasn't some dreadful, deprived existence.

I admit I didn't do this as much as I should have or as much as she would have liked. I did a lot to disappoint her. I've admitted that I neglected her and failed to meet her needs many times. But I don't think I could have ever lived up to her expectations, no matter how much I tried. She had a Grand Canyon of expectations and needs. There is not enough of me to fill it.

She had Cinderella Syndrome when we married and when I wasn't her perfect knight, when I proved to be human and had needs of my own (or was a jerk), she grew resentful and bitter. But she never once told me any of this. She held it in and let it fester. As our MC has asked her, how can I correct something if I don't know and you don't tell me?


My wife's disappointment and resentment and this season of life converged in perfect/horrible timing with an email from an ex-lover, who she had not forsaken in her heart even after 24 years and with whom she still had "unfinished business."

I was left in their wake, betrayed, emotionally battered and wondering what happened. As you described, cat, I think this is a common theme for women who have a mid-life crisis. I'm sharing my story partly to vent and partly in the hope that other BS's might better understand what happened to their spouse.

But that describes them ALL. What you describe here is the rule, rather than the exception, of people who are having an affair. I have read lists of traits about "mid life crisis" and it just describes EVERY WS that comes here.

I just don't get it. And lets say every affairee in their 40's is having a "mid life crisis," what is the THEREFORE? As in, "my wife is having an affair but is in a "midlife crisis," therefore......................." I never get the therefore.

Still scratching my head.... Can someone explain it to me like I am a 5 year old?

Mel,
I've always wondered about this. My FWH said (at the time of EA) it was MLC. I blamed myself for the status of our M at the time. I didn't excuse his behavior because he claimed MLC either. I don't blame myself anymore. I was a good wife and didn't deserve what happened (not that anyone deserves it). I believe it comes down to character flaw. I knew my H was capable of doing something stupid that would hurt our family but I also knew he could become a really good man. Unfortunately and fortunately I was right on both counts. I honestly didn't think he would have EA. Prior to EA, I trusted his character and felt secure. That sense of security went out the window and has never come back.

GG

You know what?

I can believe that there are a few, very few, people that go into a "mid-life crisis" that aren't already in an affair.

But, even with those few, it is the primary thing they are looking to do. I think the "midlife crisis" thing is an excuse.

There is another board I came upon awhile ago with some lady that extolls the virtues for women going thru midlife. In fact she says, "BRING IT ON!"

After all "we women need to learn about OURSELVES for a change after all the diaper changing and staying at home and keeping house etc. Get out and experience life!" (don't concern yourself about your H or kids now, you NEED this!)

She actually has a message board where she comes on and sometimes gives Christian inspired advice to get thru midlife without "sinning."

Come to find out she was in like her third A, and spoke the most belabored WW fogbabble trying to defend herself on the boards you can imagine.

Mid-life is an excuse for immaturity and selfishness.

If you are that unhappy, get out for good. File for D and move on before you start banging the neighborhood in order to "find yourself."

SWW

Ottert,

Have you ever read any of Michelle Langley's stuff? She describes in detail a cycle that she says women go through that almost always ends in adultery. (She says it usually happens more than one time, BTW) From her POV it seems to be inevitable. I found the description she gives to be a perfect fit with what I observed in my wife, but it doesn't have much of anything to do with mid-life as described by Langley, though with women waiting to get married into their late 20s or early 30s the time of about 40-45 years old works out rather nicely.

I have thought for a while that the statistical trend you point out, that women in their mid-40s are having affairs more often these days has to do with where our society is right now. We are one generation out from the Woodstock generation where it was all about peace and free love and women being equal to men.


Now comes the ME generation which is really more like the ME TOO generation since keeping up with the Jones has been the hallmark of the generation born into the turmoil of the 70s when living together became a substitute for getting married and became acceptable to an entire generation.

Hollywood has made it clear that only your current feelings count at any given moment and that spouses are interchangeable depending on feelings, whims and social advancement. Stories like Madison County win academy awards and Lifetime runs movies about the handsome stranger who rescues the fair maiden from the abusive husband and they live happily ever after.

I recently watched the original Dr Zhivago again after many years. When I saw it first I was in high school and had a girl friend who thought it was just so romantic. It is the story of adultery run amok with a hero that cheats at every turn. The doctor cheats with Lara who is cheating on her husband AND her lover who rescued her from her "abusive" husband who is a raving lunatic and a great leader of the revolution, I might add; considered a HERO at the time of the original book in the USSR...The doctor leaves his affair partner and returns to his wife, who knows of the affair and yet he cheats again and when separated from his wife and children by war he returns not to his wife but to his affair partner who now has had his child and lives with her openly and is even assisted somewhat by her now common law husband, once her "Sugar Daddy" who is now himself a powerful government official... This was supposed to be one of the greatest movies ever made!

And have you actually read Gone With The Wind? The lead character says "Tomorrow is another day..." as a sign of hope and reassurance that all will work out as the second husband leaves her because of her lifelong EA with someone who never even returned the feelings.

So in the 60s we talked about free love and living together, in the 70s we had kids who learned that only what we can see and feel is important and today we have a generation where women demand all the same "rights" as men including, I'm afraid, cheating and leaving their husbands of many years for a trophy with a higher social status and often a few years younger.

This is also the first generation in which women pursued careers for themselves and have their own pension plans, IRAs, health coverage and social network other than stay at home moms.

Why does it happen at 40? Because at 40 your kids are old enough to fend for themselves and you only have to leave your husband and not the kids. And because that is how old the generation raised like this is now. Statistically the rise of affairs at 40 something is clear, the reason cannot be tied merely to something inherent in the age but I think must be more related to the current crop of 40 somethings.

If MLC was the answer or the cause, we'd see it in every generation from the beginning of time and it wouldn't be a clear statistical increase today. It must be THIS generation that is the significant factor and not the age.

JMO

Mark

Good stuff, Mark! That makes perfect sense. I am 51 and was raised by a feminazi HIPPIE who taught me that men were disposable and that we were entitled to our "happiness." When I turned 40, I hit my sexual peak [sorry if that is TMI] and I can see how that would be a dangerous combination in a mind that has been poisoned by a loser hippie mentality.

I was so poisoned that I actually thought Bridges of Madison county was a beautiful movie at one time. I didn't see it for what it really is: 2 pigs getting it on in the pig pen. About as romantic as a hawg breeding session and as "classy" as Animal House or Dumb and Dumber. Many women have been poisoned to believe this rot is "romantic" so it just stands to reason that they would seek out such "romance" when they reach their sexual peak.

Have to stand up for Gone With The Wind here - yes, Scarlett does say "tomorrow is another day" quite often, but when she says it at the very end of the book/film she is in a completely different frame of mind. There is even a scene in the film where she *literally* runs out of the fog into a clear space.

And yes, I do agree with Mel that the stuff WS say while having an affair is exactly the same stuff "mid-life crisis" sufferers say - no matter what the age of the WS.
Mulan.

P.S. Otter, in your posts on the first page you have listed just about every red flag there is for detecting a cheating spouse. Sorry, but I'd bet a lot that she is still carrying on her affair.

Mel,
I agree somewhat on Bridges of Madison County. It did romantisize an A. But, this is my POV on the ending. The two children don't want to end up like their mother did. I liked it when the son goes home to his wife realizing he may not be meeting her needs. I had the opposite of your mother. I felt like the character Meryl played could have been my mother. My mother stayed with my dad but has never been happy. She's old Italian generation that you stick together no matter what. What this taught me was you protect your M and shield your family even if it means sacraficing your self worth and happiness. It is something I had to work through in my earlier years of M. A woman (or man for that matter) shouldn't have to sacrafice themself for the sake of preserving an unhealthy relationship. But this doesn't give the woman the right to go and have a A and say it was MLC. Meryl's character (if it was real life) should have divorced her H.

GG

What's sad and twisted is that it gives the impression that a woman can find "happiness" by engaging in sleazy behavior. Adultery does not make people happy, it poisons their minds and hearts and makes them unhappy. She sacrificed everything good about herself in a filthy, putrid affair. She degraded herself.

I know what its like to have an adulterer for a parent, and it is disgusting and repulsive. It is a terrible feeling to know that your parent lived such a disgraceful, dishonorable lifestyle.


And he also realized his own mother was a selfish, cruel adulterer who behaved like a skank when she knifed his father in the back.


I agree. And I think he should have divorced her for being a skank in own house. That is about as low as you can go. Doing some low life in your own husbands bed. It doesn't get much lower than that. Unfortunately, her H didn't get the chance to divorce her because he was being lied to about his own life.