Ok, let me start from the beginning of it all.

My H and I have been together for 14 years, and married for 9 years. And I feel like we have been on the same rollercoaster since the beginning of the relationship. I am sure though this posting you will see all the signs where he really wasn't into me, and I just tried to change or cover them up....

My H and I started talking to each other in the 10th grade of highschool, I had a boyfrind at the time and he was seeing a girl that was about 5 years older then us. My boyfriend and I broke up within about 2 monthsboyfriend wanted to go back to his ex girlfriend). And don't know the exact story regarding his girlfriend. So we started dating April 22, 1995. We were about a month into the relationship when his ex called to talk to him. We were at his house just hanging out. I heard him yell into the phone that he didn't believe her and that she couldn't make him do anything about it...about 2 months later I found out that she called him to tell him that she was pregnant and it was his. But heard nothing of it after that. We continue to date, but things started to get harder and harder. I didn't want to have sex with him yet...I wanted to wait get to know each other better....and then in January 1996 we had a huge fight, I told him that I was tired of being treated like crap and he needed to figure out what he wanted and if this relationship was what he wanted. That is then when I found out about his son, who was born in December and he had to have a DNA testing and he did it by himself and felt he couldn't tell anyone because he was assamed. I was hurt and mad. I couldn't believe that he didn't trust me enough to tell me what was going on...

At that point we agreed to seperate, I wasn't interested in seeing other people, but at the same time I wasn't going to be treated the way he was, during which time he started to hang out with people that were older than him, and drinking more often...so although everyone thought we were still a couple, we were drifting further apart.

And that May I went to France for a school trip, and was gone for 3 weeks. during which time we talked a few times..and when I got back we talking talking more and more, and ended up deciding on dating again. We dated all through our senior year of highschool, and he decided to attend college out state and left a month after we graduated. at which time I got a new job which we were working 7 days a week so making the trip to visit him at college tend to get harder and harder. He would try and come up every weekend he could make time to, but by Novemeber I was tired of the arrangement, I was living on my own in my own apartment, working and hanging out with my friends....seeing him less and less...the week before the Thanksgiving holiday I tried to call it quits....Told him everything as far as he wasn't ready to marry me or else he would have already...etc....an behold he showed up on my doorstep the every next day....I struggled with the right thing to do for months and come April that next year, he proposed to me....mine you were were 300 miles away from home, and my first thought was to say no....but then I thought how could I....maybe it could get better....so we continued to be in a relationship....and June of that year I moved out of state and attended college at the same university. We got an apartment together with a couple of other college kids, and continued to work, attend school, and go home on the weekends. We both decided that we didn't want to get married until we finished college, so we set a wedding date for April 2000. While he graduated college 6 months before me, he found a job back home. I guess that is where I went wrong, because I never really wanted to go back home....I was happy where I was....but during his time home, he was reunitied with his son, and started a vistitation schedule. So when I graduated 6 months later, I moved back and started living with his parents to hopefully help with saving money for the wedding and a place of our own....

Now the wedding, he really didn't have anything much to say about it other than, we shouldn't be spending all the money on it, he could think of better things he would like to buy or fix....like his truck...so lets just say when the wedding day came and went, that is exactly how I feel about it....we didn't do anything for our honeymoon, except hang out with friends because he felt we couldn't afford it...little I know that was the beginning of it all...

we moved out of his parents house 2 weeks before the wedding. I had already lived on my own, so the wedding gifts just help me upgrade the things I had, and the money we got helpped us purchase a washer and dryer and later on help us pay for the lawyer to get custody of his son, who was turning 4 at the end of that year.

I did everything for him and his son, I worked 3rd shift at the time and I would come home take a shower, and then attend preschool with my step son, then come home clean up the house and go to bed for 2-3 hours or until he came home...we lived in that house for a year and a half, and then he came home one day saying that his house he wanted was for sale, and we were moving....the then the nightmare of purchasing our first home began....I know that purchasing your first home should be a wonderful experience, but when you have someone making all the calls and then trying to convince you that you made all the decisions is not exactly what I would call fun...

So it began...we were married, had his son living with us, had a house, good jobs...etc...sure we had our ups and downs, but we decided in 2002 we wanted to extend our family...it was very difficult had a number of issues during that time..

But going to jump forward to 2006, H working and talking to OW, I caught them sept 2006. Have been trying to work on relationship every since....but as of late...I am at a point at where I am asking myself if I should have let him go...All the signs were there that he doesn't really want to be with me are they not???? I don't know where to go???? Do I continue to stay and be unhappy, because that is what I believe I am feeling now, or is that I can't get over the affair?