Its been 3 years since d day. I suppose our marriage, while not completely recovered, most days is a good one.

2 months ago, I posted on the private forum to Dr Harley that I had become aware that a woman with whom my husband used to work with was attracted to my husband. It is wholeheartedly not returned on the part of my husband but what was and is upsetting was that my husband was aware of this woman's feelings for him for years and never once mentioned it to me. He didnt find it significant he said.

In any event, Dr Harley advised that we just not have contact with this woman any longer. Which is fine as she was a work friend and we would see her socially every few months. Nothing that couldnt be avoided. My husband and I agreed that, should he be contacted by her for any reason, that he would tell me about it first and we would decide what to do about this together.

Last night, he informed me that he got a text from the woman and he texted her back. I saw the texts - they are completely innocous and I am non threatened by them. What IS threatening to me is that:

1. My H kept this womans attraction to him secret for years
2. We agreed on a course of action which he did not follow

Additionally, after telling me about the texts, I asked that he simply not respond in the future and he advised that "She didnt do anything wrong" and that he "owed her an explaination". His plan was to tell her that they couldnt talk anymore because I was uncomfortable with it. I did not react well to that, as it is like he is BLAMING me for HIS poor choices.

So, I am, once again at the end of my rope. I dont feel safe - I dont feel loved and I have zero motivation to stay in the marriage.

What would you do??

Tough spot to be in. I really feel for you.

I would sit down with hubby again, and explain that by his NOT telling you about her attraction to him, you feel like he has been keeping secrets from you *and* protecting her. That is unbelievably upsetting to your world. That in the future if any woman is attracted to him and he tells you about it, his honesty will win big points with you, as will his desire to protect you (by keeping you completely in the loop).

Secondly I think I'd just let slide the bit about him texting the woman before consulting you about it. It's very possible that you and he have different recollections about what was agreed upon. I think what I'd do is thank him profusely for letting you know about the text, for sharing it with you, and for being open and honest about it all.

Then I'd let him know that you are still bothered by the exchange, especially his reluctance to not respond in the future. Explain to him that his "owing her an explanation" makes you feel like he puts her needs above yours. Explain that his telling her they can't talk because YOU are uncomfortable with it makes you feel like you are being painted as the bad guy. Ask him can he see how texting back is risky behavior; ask him does he understand why you find it threatening. Ask him if he'd be willing to demonstrate his love for you, and protect you by not responding -- no explanation to the colleague needed.

Because, at the end of the day, he needs to be setting healthy boundaries out of a desire to protect the marriage and demonstrate his love for you. Not out of fear of angering you or to cater to your "unreasonable" paranoia.

If I were you, I'd ask him to let you know about any texts *before* he responds in the future, so that you can weigh in on his response (if any). Make a big joke and put it in a written contract with fake legal terms, saying something like "FWH hereby doth solemnly agree and swear that in order to protect his wife's sanity and emotional well being, blah blah blah."

Making a joke of it keeps it light hearted yet ensures that he WILL remember what was agreed upon. And if he doesn't, you have the contract to pull out and remind him.

What is it that you agreed upon? I would simply request that if he received a text from her again, not to respond. Why are they texting? I am uncomfortable with my H texting ANY female. I just see no need for it.

Whoo boy. This one hits my triggers. My husband had an 18 mo long EA with an old hs girlfriend--he ran into her at a HS reunion in 2005 when our marriage was at a low point. While I could have gotten past that, what I am still not able to get beyond is that I always knew of this woman but he never once told me that they had dated not once, while in HS/early college but again in their mid 20's and that the second time around, it was pretty serious. Further, they talked to each other over the years we were married. He claims it was maybe once/twice a year and that she almost always called him but some days I wonder if this is the complete truth. And even further, once the truth of the EA came out, he also told me that she had flown into town the week before our wedding, crashed his bachelor party and begged him to call off his wedding. P.S. She was married when she did this---to the guy she left my husband for. She told him she made the biggest mistake of her life. So 20 years later they meet up at this reunion and she's still unhappy and now so is she.

Toxic, toxic toxic. When it all came out, he agreed never to contact her again. I only hope that he's been holding to it. About 4 mos after the NC letter, he did get a package from her (sent to him where he was working at the time) and he brought it home and gave it to me.

It took him over a week to write the NC, he at first didn't want me to read it (I did anyway--this was before I knew about MB too) and it was...well...weak. Talked about what a beautiful person she was inside and out and how he hoped she'd forgive him for leading her on, etc.

I agree this is a danger zone. If you are uncomfortable, you have every right to put your foot down.

My marriage is again seriously on the rocks and though I'm not sure I'd even care at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he went running back to her.

It's good that he is sharing the information with you.

On the other hand, what he is doing is flirting!

Before or after giving H a :twobyfour:?

I don't know what you have specifically discussed with your H but I would make it crystal clear to him that the problem isn't just this particular woman but rather ANYTHING that he SHOULD find inappropraite and possibly harmful to your M. No spouse is going to be perfect but there are some things I will no longer tolerate from my H. Instead of addressing just this woman I'd talk about his overall thinking and what is flawed about it. He had an A. Like it or not he has even more reason not be so careless.

My H had an issue with a coworker last week and his boss told him to do X. Instead of just doing it, he kept trying to justify why he disagreed. I finally had to adminster a :twobyfour: for him to see the light because he couldn't see what he did wrong because his intentions were good.

I have no desire to spoonfeed H for the rest of his life and draw him a diagram when he should be seeing a . If the offense is minor and infrequent...fine but if there are enough WTF things going on, I'd revisit D. I simply have no patience to handle constant thoughtlessness anymore.

JK, he apparently has never bought into the concept of AFFAIR PROOFING, which is why you have not recovered. As far as he is concerned, the only reason he should protect your marriage is because you are "uncomfortable" with it. He is perfectly comfortable with crossing boundaries that destroy marriages.

That is the problem. He has no self enforced boundaries and only does what he has to do to shut you up.

Mel's right. We never recovered for many of the same reasons.

Wow! Great advice on this thread. I know it was meant for JustKim, but thanks! It applies to me too!

Turtle



This is where the wheels fall off, as far as I am concerned. My H *does* set these boundaries. We had the conversation where he would not respond to her texts or emails SIXTEEN days ago. His response, when I asked why he did what he did? He forgot. It was a mistake, he said and that behavior modification takes a while for him.

I dont see it that way. Behavior modification is not leaving the toothpaste cap off, not respecting or enforcing boundaries.

Gdar-

We agreed that if my husband heard from this woman, he would not respond until I saw the text or email and we would decide together. They both share the same profession, so it isnt unreasonable that they would correspond from time to time with technical questions but even that, Im uncomfortable with now. Not because of anything SHE did, but because of my H's actions.

OH- Im sorry to hear that your M is where you are at. I can relate. One of the reasons that prevents me from fully engaging in the M is my H's long history of not divulging all there is. With his A, the OW was my friend and he knew of HER attraction to him for months before he acted on it and again, as in this case- he never said a word. I think he likes the ego boost and I can understand that. Who doesnt? However, the VERY first thing I do is run to tell my husband whenever Im in that situation so I can guarantee it will be stopped in its tracks. My H (not long before the discovery of this womans feelings for him) was telling me that he feels that Im his best friend. Yet, he never told me about her being attracted to him. How do you keep nes like THAT from your best friend????

TST-

I think you are on to something, actually. I think my H likes the ego boost and the attention even though in his mind, it "isnt going anywhere" he still let it go on. For YEARS he would have lunch with this woman, and go for coffee. Not once, in all that time did he say "You know - I think XXX has feelings for me and while I dont find her attractive, this is crossing a boundary and unfair to my W and to her." He just kept doing it until I caught on.

BR-

I completely believe that this is not even about this woman. Not one smidge. She is just a symptom of a much larger problem and fundamental rot in my M. The real issue here is my H. Not enforcing boundaries that we both agreed to. And then, once I found out about the texts, to respond by saying that he owed her an explaination was to me effectively inviting someone FURTHER into our lives. Sharing intimate details with another person of the opposite sex is a big red flag. Its like opening the window wider for someone else to climb in. Add to the fact that he was planning on telling her that I was uncomfortable with her and NOT the whole story, so he can continue to paint himself as the good guy is just beyond hurtful to me.

Mel



I couldnt have said it any better. That is, in fact- the root of the entire problem. He does what he has to to shut me up. Last night we were discussing this and I got upset. He responded by saying "Ok- you are right - I agree with everything you said because I dont want to be "in trouble" anymore".

I dont want to be in a marriage like that. I have absolutely no sense of safety and feel like it is onl a matter of time before Im in the same boat, again, with him.

My H finds this very hurtful, mind you. He swears up and down that I should trust him, that it would never happen again and that I am wrong. Yet, he continually SHOWS me that he is still making the same mistakes over and over.

Before you said this, I just KNEW he was saying this to you. Mine used to say the same thing. What he is saying is: trust me while I engage in UNTRUSTWORTHY BEHAVIOR. A self refuting statement.

That would be the same as me saying: "I AM A GREAT DRUNK DRIVER..... TRUST ME!!"

Tell him that you can't trust him as long as he BEHAVES in a untrustworthy manner. You can trust him if he acts trustworthy. REal simple.

I agree JK. Maybe I wasn't clear enough in my response. What you said back to me is exactly what I meant. As I said, I don't want to go through the rest of my life having to spoonfeed H or connecting the dots for him to "get it." At some point if he still can't understand that behavior like this is unacceptable because it's a risk to the M as well as incredibly insensitive, I will not put up with it. My H doesn't have to cheat again for me to revisit D. Having consistent wayward thinking or a failure to protect me and our M would be enough reason for me to consider D. I don't want to hear I'm sorry or I forget all the time.

I know that this is really hard for you he is flirting and telling you is he crazy .he had an agreement and broke it forgive this time and prayer about

BR



This really hits home with me. That is exactly how I feel. My H is forever saying he is sorry and you know what? It means almost nothing to me now as Ive heard it so many times before. Its just words. I know that he will say them and then go back to the same old behavior as before.

Mel-

You are right. Of course, he doesnt see it that way at all. He doesnt understand wy I am so upset over this. He feels he didnt break HIS boundaries, only mine and that he has to learn not to break mine. Just tonight, he was saying how Dr Harley is WRONG, that he wont cheat again, no matter what.

Somehow you see, he is unique and above it all. What he isnt getting is that his boundaries are loose and the next woman maybe will be attractive to him and off he will go again.

The other thing I struggle with is history. He had affairs, lots of them when married to his previous wife. Granted, so did she and his were likely a result of hers but there is a long history of escapist kind of behavior.

I suppose it is my own fault in a way. I continued my relationship with him once he had shared with me that he had cheated on his wife while they were married years back.
( they were divorced for about 6 years or so when we met) But, I loved him and had no idea. I thought that was THEIR baggage. I never dreamed it would become mine.

I really dont want this life anymore. Im just too scared to leave. I have 2 children, and as their Dad died, the only Dad theyve ever known is my H.

I hate fear when it doesn't protect you and makes you more vulnerable.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation.

What I'd do is give him the fright of his life and then decide whether or not to give him a second chance based on his reaction. Depending on your circumstances, I'd either change the locks on the house and tell him he has 24 hours to get his stuff out (my preference), or I'd move out with the kids or I'd issue him with divorce papers. Then I'd wait and see his sustained reaction. If he throws himself on his knees and begs for forgiveness, he's on the right track but he'd better stay there for a day or two - minimum. Hold your nerve and he will prove himself one way or the other. That's my advice anyway. Feel free to ignore.

Living in fear is no way to live. What you are afraid of is the unknown and it's never as bad as you think. You have got to believe that the only way to be in a M is with mutual love and respect. You are 43 and so am I. You are young enough to start again. A good M is wonderful but a bad M is much worse than none. I've had a lucky escape.

Kim
Ask your WH why he is more concerned with protecting TextWoman than he is with protecting you.

And believe me - he DOES know exactly what he's doing. Playing stupid and pretending not to understand so that you have to repeatedly spell it out for him is just his way of keeping you off balance and fooled.

He DOES know EXACTLY what he's doing. And what he's doing is playing you.
Mulan