Ah, yes.

And if people would only use their BRAINS for good instead of evil, we'd never even have to have this discussion...

And our Dear Steve Harley would be in a different line o'work.

I'm sure it was all Facebook's fault. The choices of the people themselves had nothing to do with it.

Poor boundaries are poor boundaries, no matter what venue you put them into.

I agree with you, Dealan, people should be using their brains. However, they should use their brains in advance of temptation, not in the midst of it.

When they see the overwhelming evidence right here on MB of the dangers of social utilities like Facebook, people should think logically and say to themselves something like this: "It appears that affairs are an epidemic in places like Facebook. The smartest and wisest thing for me to do is to avoid places like that, so as to keep myself from temptation."

From what I've observed, when someone gets a message from an old flame on Facebook or email or whatever, often their emotions take over and their brains turn to mush. I learned that my wife cried when she got the first email from her ex-lover. For many people, memories, old feelings of affection, nostalgia, all come flooding back. That is a heady and dangerous chemical stew flooding the bloodstream. The brain is powerless to fight it once it takes over.

You can't trust your brain to make the right decision when you've wandered blindly into the path of temptation, because the heart is wicked and deceitful and it short-circuits the logic you might otherwise use.

That's why it's best to stay out of the path of temptation in the first place (like avoiding Facebook, for example), not try to fight it with your brain. That's usually a losing battle.

>The smartest and wisest thing for me to do is to avoid places like that, so as to keep myself from temptation."


Or put up necessary boundries so that temptations aren't there from the get go.

Dealan

Not arguing, just discussing...

To me, a protective boundary for the marriage is something you decide beforehand that you will or will not do.

For example: Refusing to ride alone in a car with the opposite sex is a boundary. A boundary isn't what you will or won't do when you get in the car with that person. A true and more effective boundary is refusing to ever get in the car in the first place.

I understand that many millions of people will use Facebook and never have an affair. And others will have an affair apart from Facebook. But given what I see on practically a daily basis right here on MB, I don't think it's worth the risk. I can live without it.

Alcoholics don't go into bars and liquor stores and then decide to fight the temptation to by a bottle. They never, ever go into a bar or liquor store again.

About 3 or so years ago, my firt boyfriend called me at work. The caller ID was blocked so I had no idea until I heard his voice who it was. I was completely caught off guard. My H was in the middle of his 2nd affair and I was a FWW. I KNEW what to do. I let him chat for a few minutes and then hit him square between the eyes. I told him My H was in the middle of an A with an old gf and to please not contact me again since we are both MARRIED.

It didn't take FB for him to find me. If you have weak boundaries, anything can open up an opportunity. We have a new poster having a one sided EA with her BIL. Both of my H's affairs began with a phone call. Mine was a work affair.

Educating yourself about adultery and creating boundaries is the way to protect your marriage.

OK, for FWS's, avoiding FB sounds like a reasonable EP. But I have a real problem with anyone - spouse, friend, associate or just somebody I know - behaving like this:

When a grown adult acts like this, there is something seriously wrong! If you find yourself in a position that your brain turns to mush from reading something on the internet, you need some serious help.

I would argue that if this statement applies to you:
then you have some serious character flaws.

And does somebody want to explain to me what infidelity is NOT a mental illness?

I agree! Facebook is good... when used responsibly! It's a stretch using this BRAND NEW POSTER to MB as an example of the evils of Facebook.

I personally have no qualms about using it and I would have no qualms about my DH using it either. We both know what we would do if an old flame contacted either one us.

In fact, it was because of Facebook that I found out Sunday that my sister was in a serious auto accident. I'm in Chicago and no one could get through on our cells at the time.

PM, so sorry about your sister. Is she ok?

FB can certainly be a fuse to ignite an A if the conditions are right (lack of boundries).

When used correctly and POJA'd FB is a fantastic resource.

It's kinda funny. I just don't see FB like this at all. No one who shouldn't has ever tried to get in touch with me, not one of my friends has even remotely made any sort of inappropiate approach. I take exception to the fact that because I'm an FWW I should be "more careful about FB". I'm not a moron.

My HS boyfriend re-found me long before FB or any networking sites even existed. FWIW another infidelity site I used to visit had a private message function and hoo boy, the number of people who have told me they were approached constantly by other members of the site (mostly BSs) inappropriately by PM.

ETA It would make far more sense to segregate men and women in the work force. (yes, I'm being sarcastic).

Jen - didja email me? I'll "friend" you when you do.

Kimmy, tell her how to get in touch w/ me....I wanna Kiwi friend, too.

Tabby1,

Can you not make your point without personal attacks? I'm tempted to treat your post the way it deserves - ignore it - but I think a few things need to be addressed.


I have a problem with it too. That's what my post was all about - avoiding situations which might lead one to behave that way.


You're right. Something is seriously wrong. That's why this site exists because there is something seriously wrong with an otherwise sane person turning into an alien and doing something so hideous as betraying their spouse. But it happens every day, doesn't it?


Oh, come on now. You know it's not from "reading something on the internet." I'm not talking about reading the news. I'm talking about seeing the affectionate or excited words of a lost love for whom you still have a love bank account lying dormant but still alive. It's the rush of emotions that happen to people when confronted with a former lover or a flirtatious text or FB message. I think around here we call it the "fog."

Read sickwithworry's post here I felt like I was on Fire! from this morning if you want to see how easy it is to slide down that slippery slope. This from a BS who knows better.


Actually, if you believe the Bible, which I do, it applies to every human that has ever lived, including you and me.

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" Jeremiah 17:9

Even if you don't believe that, it definitely applies to most every WS you will read about on this forum. I'd say their hearts were wicked when they were falling for adulterous flirtations and raping their spouses.

You may think you are above behaving in the ways I've described. Perhaps you are stronger than most. May I suggest another warning from the Bible?

"Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall." 1 Corinthians 10:12



Infidelity is not a mental illness. It is sin.

I won't give the wayward the option of blaming their sin on a mental illness for which they need "treatment."

What they need is honest confession, repentance and the making of restitution. Then a lifetime of rebuilding and keeping the trust of the spouse whose heart they broke.

Ot....obviously, someone has stepped on your toes or gotten into your mess.....

I think you are about the only one egging this argument on.

That's what I believe it's turned into...an argument.

Do y'all want to argue until you are blue in the face(s) or move on to a more constructive topic?

I agree. It have not been witness to anything inappropriate by any of my 200some friends on FB. Whether it be FB, Myspace, email, phone calls, texting, whathaveyou, if a person is interested in pursuing something, any medium will work. I don't see this being a FB issue, but a person/moral issue.

Well, I think it is constructive, probably because it's a pet peeve of mine. I truly believe these social networking sites are part of a trend that is dangerous to marriages. And I thought one of the primary reasons for this forum was discussing ways to avoid things that are dangerous to marriages.

But, yeah, you're right. I should have let it go a few posts ago. But Tabby1 did get "into my mess." I took the bait and tried to get the last word. It doesn't work in my marriage and it won't work here.

My apologies. I'll move along.

I like your posts.

Quite clear.

To me at least.

SWW