for this weekend.

This weekend we are headed to the beach house (owned by a friend, but we use every few months). This used to be a place of such solitude, recharging, connecting for us. Our past couple of visits have left a very sour taste in my mouth, and I want to get beyond that and back to how good it once was.

Reason #1 why I have negative association here:

Something my H and I have always done, since the beginning of our relationship, was go to the beach and have late-night bonfires. Our 2 children were conceived with this past time.
When he was having an EA with the OW, they were on a retreat at the beach and she wrote him an email upon the return, talking about how the bonfire they shared (along with other co-workers, about 6 total) was one of the best night of her life. Needless to say, I no longer have positive emotional feelings at bonfires.

Reason #2:

Last August, on my birthday, we went to the beach house and that is when I found a poem he had written about the OW. It was a poem about his feelings, how wrong they were, but how he could not help them, and how they came to light at the above referenced bon fire.

Reason #3:

It is one block away from the beach retreat he had and the bonfire he had with the OW. We have to drive by the hotel to get to the beach house, so I have to see it. Every time I see it, I think of what took place a year ago.

Reason #4: The last time we went, a few months ago, he got rip roaring drunk (which to this day, I do not understand, as we were on a family trip with all 4 kids) and in the middle of the night, he got up, sat on my side of the bed and told me he could no longer be with me, that I will persecute him for the rest of his life and he cannot live with that.

I cried all night, and when he finally woke up from his hangover, he had no recollection of what he had said. When I told him, he started to cry. He has not been drunk since. He said he had no idea where it came from and that he does not feel this way. I believe him. Our recovery has been going well.

I do not want to have these feelings, and I so want to recreate positive memories and emotions in reference to this location. I do NOT want to let the OW take these from me.

Any tips on how to get through this weekend would be appreciated. Thank you.

Maybe start a new tradition if you feel that the old one is too tainted right now to be enjoyable. Perhaps in the future you can reclaim it, for now though try to focus on a new one. How about setting up a small bistro table and two chairs and having a romantic dinner, or maybe even a picnic at sunset or breakfast at sunrise- not sure what coast you are on. This could maybe set you up for feeling like conquering the fire later in the evening.

I hope you find a way to enjoy your weekend.

Thank you, Baby... this is a good idea. We are in the Pacific NW, so chilly coast evenings. We have all 4 kids, but my inlaws live there, so we could enlist in their help for sitting the kids for an evening.

I am just so nervous. Last time I wasnt nervous, and I had this "it will just fine" attitude and then it went awry. This time, I am treading lightly and do not have over the top expectations. I think what I need to do is to cut myself some slack. My H arranged this long weekend as a surprise, so I am grateful.

Hi, I think I would want to reclaim the bonfire, but only you know if you will be able to tolerate seeing your H near a bonfire without triggering.

The memories of previous bonfires with your H are so important to you, and you have associated so many happy times in your relationship with them.

How about a ceremonial burning of things that remind you of the A on a bonfore that you build together. Or both write down the negatives about that period on pieces of paper and burn them together.

Or you could write a venting letter about the pain you felt these last months about the OW and your FWH and burn the letter, to let it go.

Then sit back and watch as all the negatives are turned into ash.

Have a lovely holiday and create lots of great memories.

Serendipitous, this actually made me tear up. I actually DO have a journal I kept, when I was suspecting something was up with his behavior (started before Dday). Then once I found out, I kept journaling and then took it to a MC session. It has been a long time since I have written anything in it, and my husband just came across it yesterday.

I was thinking I could talk to him about burning it together.... this would be quite a ceremony for me.

A joint ceremonial burning of the journal. This sounds good to me. I'm sure it will be a huge release for both of you to see it go up in flames.

Ceremonies are great for marking important things on our life. It will be perfect to burn the journal to mark the end of this terrible period in your life and the beginning of reclaiming something in your life that is so important to your whole family.

Let me know what date you plan to do it so I can be thinking of you all.

This Saturday evening. Thank you very much.

Ok, I have sat on this for the day. Now in my head I am thinking if we have a bonfire, he will start thinking about THAT bonfire. Do I really want to encouraging his memories of the EA?