After 21 years and two kids my wonderful wife got in contact with a old boy friend when they where 15 years old on facebook.

I got her cell phone records and found she was talking to him 45 min to and from work and for 30 min when she is at lunch. This has been going on for 4 weeks. Now she tell me she wants a devorice. I don't meet her emotional needs.

She went to a counceling with me two days ago. The councelor said to give her her space and move into seperate rooms. She has not had sex with him but she has storng feeling for him.

She is a great woman. We love each other alot. We just got to busy and did not take care of each other.

What should I do? Help

Hi Atman,
welcome to MB, sorry you have to be here.

What do you want to do? If you want to try to fix your 50% of the M and you have read the 10 basic concepts, then MB can help. I do suggest that you click on Notify at the bottom of your first post and ask the mods to move it to general questions 2. The vets there are experienced in helping people in your situation. Activity is low in the evenings and you may have to check back tommorrow.

My suggestion would be to LOSE this counselor. This is dreadful advice that will only give your wife more freedom to carry on her affair. Let me ask you this: if your car is making rattling noises do you "give it space" or do you stay with it and try to fix it? If you give it "space" and LEAVE won't it just GET WORSE?

I assure you that moving out of your room and giving her "space" will make the problem WORSE because it will give her the freedom to take the affair to the next level. Giving her "space" is the worst possible thing you can do.

Marriage counselors do not have the SLIGHTEST IDEA how to save marriages, nor do they understand the dynamics of adultery. They have a 84% FAILURE rate and will cause you more harm than good.

If you want to save your marriage, try Plan A, which is a mixture of the carrot and the stick. Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist who developed Plan A and he knows what he is talking about. Here is his plan:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Is the OM married? If so, does his wife know about the affair? Do your children know about your wife's affair?

AtMan: Listen to Melody! She's the real deal. Her words of wisdom helped me greatly...even though I'm @ Plan D right now.

You can slay this dragon that is an affair. But first you must look deep inside yourself and think about what you want from a marriage. Is this person really worth fighting for?

God bless...

Great. Another Facebook affair.

Yes, needs weren't being met, the marriage was in trouble and the conditions were ripe for an affair. But don't tell me Facebook didn't make this easier.

AtMan, I'm sorry for your pain and heartache. I know a little of what you are going through. My wife got in touch by email with an ex-fiance with whom she had a 2-year sexual relationship more than 20 years ago. It didn't go as far as your wife's, primarily because I caught it within the first few days and demanded it end and that she write him a NC email (this was before I knew about MB and NC, etc. By God's grace I did something right.)

Listen to MelodyLane. Read her every post to you and follow her instructions to the letter. If you want this affair to end and your marriage to recover, do not doubt or waffle on what she tells you. There are no guarantees your wife will come back to you, but it is your best chance to save your marriage.

phone counseling w/ the Harleys might be better plan than this so-called counselor.

Read up on Plan A, the Love Bank, Love Busters, and all the other valuable info here.

Thanks LG and otter. Atman, cinderella is right, you will get much more out phone counseling with Steve Harley than you ever will with the average MC. Steve is a marriage COACH who will assess your situation and give you a PLAN. A plan that actually helps, not harms. He is worth every penny and won't waste a minute of your time. Unlike your MC, he does understand the dynamics of adultery.

Deep six this councilor. Do not leave your bed or push your WW out of it.

Time to expose.

I love what you said, Melody! Couldn't think of better advice or a better way to put it!!

I am listing thanks for the help and support

kids know we are having problem but not about her friend.

AtMan,
It probably hurts you that your WW, after 21 years of marriage, would go to someone else - who she probably doesn't know well today and is fantasizing of the past relationship she had with OM. It's easy to do - she hasn't lived with him for 21 years. All of sudden this OP is going to answer all her wishes and make a great relationship - it's fog and fantasy land. Take Mel's advice. Read the concepts and articles here.

GG

Why are you lying to your kids? Is your wife trying to whitewash her wrongdoing?

Atman, the most impactful thing you could do to kill this affair is expose it wide and far. Affairs thrive on secrecy and fantasy and exposure RUINS it all. It is the same as bringing in a crowd of people into a crack house to watch the crack heads get high. No one likes getting high when everyone is watching. It ruins the high when people are watching with disgust and horror.

If the OM is married, I would expose in this order:

1. OM wife
2. your wifes parents
3. your parents
4. close friends and family and pastor

Most of all, your KIDS should know the full truth. Kids are harmed by LIES, not by truthful information about their lives. If you don't tell them the truth, your wife will tell them LIES. That leaves them vulnerable to be exposed to this sleazy low man. You are not doing your children any favors by lying to them.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.

"The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight."

Q: How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

A: Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).
here

AM,

Your wife should be happy for everyone to know abou her new love. Share it with the world for her. After all, if it was dirty, she would want to hide it.

Tell your children, you may save their mother.

Boy lots to consider here. Thanks I am meeting with her tomorrow. to talk about money. One of the things she is running form is the tough economic times. We are not doing bad, but things are unsure in my line of work right now. She thinks I am hideing things for her. I think I will ask her to read this web site. Talk it over with me. Then I will go to our parrents. And Friends. Then Post it On Facebook. Afete I tell the Kids the truth.

First off my wife is my best friend. I screw up and did not meet her emotional needs. I love her... If I tell her parents (who are mormon) it would kill there relationship for ever. It would completely embarass her. And she would go off the deep end.

I think I will tell her I am going to tell them On Friday. If she does not stop the A.

It is not a good idea to bring your wayward spouse here while she is in an affair. You will lose this website as a resource and make it impossible for us to help you.

You can't very well bust up her affair if she is reading your posts about how you plan to expose her. And exposure is useless if the WS is forewarned.

She won't get any use from this website while she is in an affair because she is not open to anything that doesn't validate and confirm her affair.

We can't help you save your marriage if you bring her here.

Is the OM married?