Story:

6 weeks ago discovered WW and good friend were having an affair. Didn't take much snooping to discover - WW was practically addicted to texting and on-line records clearly showed who was receiving (thank you Verizon!). Confronted friend first before confronting WW. Affair had been going on for 3 weeks prior to discovery, so 9 weeks total - not too long, thankfully.

Well, suffice to say, I threw a big wrench into their plans. They were just starting to get into it and things just blew up immediately. Wife of OM quickly found out. We were all close friends within the same ward (church congregation) so a number of close friends found out quickly as well. Convinced WW to see bishop (like a pastor) immediately. Within 4 weeks both OM and WW were excommunicated from church (very big deal for me). Both were temple marriages

Two weeks ago found out WW is pregnant. That complicates things. I discovered this site about a week after D-Day and was already putting Plan A into place, but the pregnancy complicates things immensely. There is now a living bond between the two and OM feels obligated to take care of child. WW is baby-hungry and won't give up for adoption or anything else. Have had two miscarriage scares so far, but can't bring myself to hope for that. WW has already gone through 4 miscarriages (one at 14 weeks...that was really bad).

OM and WW are completely insane - doing and saying things that are just completely crazy, following the same script as everyone else. WW will quickly abandon children to see OM. Completely addicted. My 20 month-old DS is suffering, breaks my heart to think of the effect this may have on him over time.

I am finishing up SAA - great book, lots of good stuff. Unfortunately, I'm only at Plan A so I can only apply a little bit of the wisdom contained therein.

Family of WW is completely on my side. All friends of WW have abandoned her. Only ones left that will talk to WW are myself and OM. I have had some pretty in-depth discussions with the OM but the addiction is so strong that he can't break it off and the pregnancy now has him locked in, it seems.

WW and OM have agreed to 2-month "break" but I am skeptical - they have tried in the past only to fail within a day. I have warned them that first two weeks of withdrawal are going to be absolute hell. We'll see how long it lasts.


Where I am now:

I am in Plan A. I have personally committed to Plan A until January 3rd at which point I will be ready for Plan B, should it be necessary.

Emotionally, I feel much better than I have over the past 6 weeks. The trauma is not as severe as it was in the beginning. For those of you who have recently discovered - have hope!!!! Yes, you will get through this, one way or the other, and yes! the pain will subside. But it still hurts, no doubt about it. Time heals all wounds, I guess.

Right now I'm leaning heavily on the Lord. There is no one else that can fix this but Him. I've discovered that I have far greater patience than I ever thought possible. It's not so much me as it is the Lord, bearing my burdens. This particular scripture has helped me a lot:

"And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.
And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."

I get the patience thing...but I'm still working on cheerfully - that's a bit tough right now.


Questions:

- SAA says most affairs die a natural death, but is that also the case when there is a pregnancy involved, particularly when WW has no plans of giving it up?

- I have been able to endure so far but I wonder if I have the patience to make it until January. Any suggestions short of pray, pray, pray?

- In Plan A, how much do I tolerate? SAA says, keep WW happy as much as possible, but does that mean allowing rendezvous even when I know what is happening? Should I avoid conflict at all cost? I feel like I'm condoning sin...

IN Dark....

No question about it "you've got a tough row to hoe"

I know the pregnancy adds a whole other dimension to what is already a terrible situation.....I know that there is a forum here that deals with pregnancy aspects that's private from the rest of us and you just have to ask a moderator to get in to it....

I can say from my experience that until you have no contact (NC) in place you aren't going to make any progress .....

You have to be patient.... I'm a solid 4 months into this round of NC and am finally starting to see some signs of recovery on her part....That's a lot of treading water...but I have to say I optimistic that the book is right!!!! Dr. H. has a plan that works and you to stick to it and wait.....

Most affairs die a natural death .....It's your job to aid in its' demise....by what you have done. Now you have to do your best to work that plan A while ensuring that NC is in place....

If you can get the WW to do the NC and keep it in place,then just like the book says after she gets over her addiction to this OM then you will begin to have a chance to meet her needs and begain the rebuilding process.....

As for surviving the next few months I would busy my self with snooping everything you can to insure NC stays in place....I would do everything in my power to meet her top EN's......

BE Strong, BE Attractive, Don,t be needy weak or cry (in front of her).....You want to be a Man any woman would be proud to have as a husband...... show that confidence around her...


And you have to figure out how you are going to react if she brakes the NC.... You have to have a plan thought out that is logical and will work for you....

Hang in there you are not alone....

You are not just in marital warfare, you are in spiritual warfare. Steven Cramer wrote a book called "The Worth of A Soul" - I think he's re-written it under his real name, but I can't remember it - if you look under this title though, you should find it. There's a chapter in there where he explicitly describes the spiritual vulnerability he felt after excommunication and what was turned loose on his family as a result.

You need to read it because as an active priesthood holder, you have the ability to protect your family.

Can you move - I mean really move away - out of reach?

Are your bishop and stake president working on a plan for spiritual recovery? If not, please ask them to help you because what's going on now is not working and you cannot let her continue to live in the house - the children stay - she goes - if she continues to bring evil into your home!

indarkness, has this affair been exposed to everyone in your families? To your family, your WW's family and the OM's family? That is where I would start if you haven't done that yet. Exposure is your most powerful weapon because it can serve to ruin the fantasy of the affair.

Your 11 and 5 year old children should also be told so they understand what is happening to their family.

Others here have been in the same situation as you and have raised an OC, so hopefully they will weigh in. That being said, your marriage won't make it if she is still in contact with the OM, so you would want to look into getting all his legal rights removed. Continued contact over the years will destroy your marriage and your childrens family so you have to protect yourself from this.

Cause as much conflict as possible in the affair. Your job is not to make the WW happy being bad, but to show her that you are willing to meet her needs in the future if she ends her affair.

If she goes to meet the OM, follow her and confront them. Call up his wife each and every time. When you find out your W has been with her lover, everyone should know, his wife, your children, everyone who is around. CAll the OM everytime he meets your wife. Make his life a living hell.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Indarkness,

You have a lot going on on the emotional and spiritual side. With the OC, it brings in a whole host of other legal ramifications. Have you talked with a lawyer yet? Some things to consider:

1. Are you sure the OC is the OM's? A pregnancy is often used by women in affairs (married or not) as a tool to keep the OM around. Are you sure the WW is even pregnant?

2. Since you are married to WW, you are the father of the baby in the eyes of the law. For the OC to have the OM on the birth certificate, a paternity test would have to be done to establish who the the father is. Then, the ball is in your court whether to legally give up your parental rights. While it sounds like you aren't in plan Divorce yet, it is something to keep in the back of your head if you decide to file in the months ahead. I would consult with an attorney now to see what your legal obligations are.
3. Given the above, you really need to be careful how you handle a pergnant WW - if you do go into a plan B and you go into plan D, kicking WW out while pregnant may look really bad in the eyes of the court. Again, check with an attorney.
2.

Best to plan A.

Expose WW and OM every where you can.

Make it difficult for WW to spend time with the OM as you strive for NC between them.

Is there a chance the OC is yours?

This is a war, not one battle it will take time.

It will take A LOT of time.

If you have any OC questions, I'm here.

Me, too.

I want to respond further, but I don't have much time right now. I am also LDS and a FWW. I was disfellowshipped, but not excommunicated after my A. My H and I are still together, raising my OC, who is now 1 year old. We have NC with the OM.

It was a long road to get to where we are now, but it can be done.

I really would like to talk to you about this more, since our stories seem to share a lot of similarities. Albeit, I'm on the other side of the issue, but I may be able to offer some insight on your WW's mindset right now. Also, I'll try to get my H to re-register. His account was lost when the site went down a few weeks ago.

Hang in there. This is a very difficult time, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi,

I am not supporter of your denomination. Every marriage is very, very important and I will back you in any way that I can.

Please listen to what Psubiker writes. I suspect that the OM may not be able to have the baby DNA'ed while you are still married. Confirm this with your lawyer.

Regards.

I'm a former Mormon, and I was the betrayed spouse of my wife's emotional affair with another man.

No-contact since August 25. Admittedly, there was no sex and no child involved, but the withdrawal was still severe: lie upon lie, deceit upon deceit until she finally "woke up", realized the carnage she was causing pursuing this other man, and broke it off.

A big, big part of this waking up was my constant interference in that relationship. I'd intercept emails, reroute, arrange to kill the mood when they talked by having friends call or drop by... she called me "controlling", "vengeful", and all kinds of other bad names as a result.

The other half of my Plan A was hitting her emotional needs as hard as I could, particularly the need for conversation and admiration the other man filled. Ultimately, though, it's going to be her decision to break it off... all you can do is help provide incentive to be with you, and disincentive for her to be with the other man.

But it can work. Your marriage can survive her anger; it cannot survive a never-ending affair.

Good luck, bro.

Exactly! And most importantly, CONFRONT the OM every time. Either in person or on the phone. Tell him "HELL IS COMING."

>she called me "controlling", "vengeful", and all kinds of other bad names as a result.

Druther that than stand by and passively watch my husband commit his soul to h-e-double-hockey-sticks.

You do what you have to.

Thanks for all the replies. I'll try to answer the various questions then offer up some thoughts.

"Can you move - I mean really move away - out of reach?" - I could, but my entire support network is here and I think the OM is near moving away, not out of reach, though. If it comes down to it, I will, but if it's out of state, WW has to be willing which she currently is not.

"Are your bishop and stake president working on a plan for spiritual recovery?" - Just got a new Stake Presidency which was unfortunate because WW really connected well with previous one. She doesn't like the Bishop and ignores his counsel. Doesn't seem to be a solid plan yet, we need to counsel more to see this happen. I have not talked to the new Stake President yet.

"indarkness, has this affair been exposed to everyone in your families?" - Yes, everyone who can deal with knowing, knows, including key friends. All, so far, are on my side.

"Are you sure the OC is the OM's? " - Unless an act of God is involved, yes. And WW is definitely pregnant, confirmed by ultrasound.

My biggest difficulty right now is toeing the line of Plan A. My understanding after reading SAA and this site is that the general goal of Plan A is to create a happy memory - a loving place, in case Plan B is necessary. Kind of tough to create a loving place when there is constant contention about interaction with OM. I'm trying to protect my children from angry outbursts and emotional insanity. Nevertheless, I completely agree that there can be no healing while A continues.

The NC period begins tomorrow. As I said, I'm skeptical it will hold but I haven't considered what to do if it doesn't, short of calling them weak-kneed cowards :-). Need to think more on that.

When you are in Plan A you have to expect some contact. You cannot let contact ruin your attempts at plan A. A pregnant WW is very problematic. Waywards are already messed up but a hormonal WW is even more difficult. She will have this deep seated desire to nest with the father of her child. You MUST take this time before the OC is born to do a solid plan A and then plan B. Unfortunately you must be the one to hold the family together for the sake of your kids, so plan B will mean kicking her out and letting the OM completely meet her needs.

Are you prepared to raise OM's baby? Not all men are willing and able to do this. If you can recover the M, OM must not be part of this "family". It should be you as the father of record (and many here are going to tell you I am wrong) and raising the child in a happy, intact family. OC can be told of his/her biology when appropriate, like you do with an adopted child.

indarkness, Plan A has nothing to do with ENABLING. Te purpose of Plan A is very simply to demonstrate a willingness to meet the WS's needs in the future while doing everything reasonable to kill the affair. That does not mean to enable the affair or pretend like nothing is happening. Dr Harley has been very clear that in Plan A, the BS is supposed to "CAUSE AS MUCH CONFLICT AS POSSIBLE." Make the marriage happy, but make the AFFAIR conflicted and troublesome.

That means confronting the OM every time. That means calling his wife, calling his parents, etc.


What do you mean by this? Who knows? Have all your parents and your children been told? She needs to explain her adultery to your children.

You do realize this is not a solution, don't you? The solution to an addiction is not a 2 month abstinence, but abstinence for life.

I absolutely do realize that 2 months is nothing and in fact part of me suspects it is a ruse for no reason other than I have lost all trust. My guard is not going to drop and I have no delusions of grandeur.

I'm not ready to tell my children yet. I've seen your posts that suggest this is a good thing and I know Dr. Harley advocates this but that's a big step - one I'm not yet willing to take. Other than that, as I said, the people that can know do know.

My WW is completely isolated. The only people she maintains contact with are myself and the OM. She has been completely shunned and the cracks are starting to show.

I can still hold a decent conversation with the OM. We were good friends prior to this and we can still communicate effectively, for now anyways. If NC is broken, however, then that won't last.

Wife has been asked by doctor to go on bed-rest. She has repeated cramping. Right now she cares enough about the baby, more than the OM, that she is willing to follow doctor's orders. However, she's not going to get much help as all help has abandoned her. And watching a 2-year old on bed rest is not easy.

I'm 6 weeks into this. My energy level is good. I'm out of the poor-me/depression/anger stages and some twisted part of me is enjoying the cat-and-mouse game...so I'm good to go for a while.

But, the pregnancy is a firm deadline. That's why Plan A is relatively short (Jan 3) because if no change by then, then its Plan B - kick her out. Let's see how a new baby affects the fantasy/fog/bubble.

Am I willing to raise OC? Not sure yet. I have gone both ways. My biggest fear is that it will be a constant reminder of "what would have been" and will be a heavy drag on any attempts at healing.