I remembered one of my threads that disappeared:

C- PTSD

I lost the other links I had then, but I did find a few new ones including one that had this list questionaire:

Do you have any of the following problems? If you check at least seven of the following items and it is several months after you have experienced a catastrophic event, it is advisable to have a professional consultation to determine if therapy for PTSD is indicated.

____ 1. I have strong physical sensations (e.g., sweating, rapid heart beat) when I think about the event.
____ 2. I try to avoid having upsetting thoughts or having contact with things or places associated with the event.
____ 3. My feelings are numb and I have difficulty experiencing normal pleasure and happiness.
____ 4. I am always watchful to make sure I don t experience the same event again.
____ 5. I have feelings of guilt associated with the traumatic event.
____ 6. I have the feeling of being unreal or that the world is unreal.
____ 7. I feel alienated or isolated from others.
____ 8. I get irritated or angry a lot.
____ 9. I have flashbacks of the event (feeling like the past event is happening all over again in the present).
____ 10. I have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep because memories of the event come into my mind.
____ 11. I have memory difficulties and trouble concentrating these days.
____ 12. I am easily startled when I hear a loud noise or when danger seems imminent.
____ 13. I have been relying increasingly on alcohol or drugs to get through the day.

the aftermath

Yet another had this list of possible symptoms:

1) Alienation, feeling disconnected or abandoned form the purpose of the world, feeling all alone
2)Avoiding activities that arouse memories of the trauma/abuse
3)Compulsive or extremely inhibited sexuality
4)Cynicism, believing others are motivated by selfishness
5)Depression(sad, crying,angry, easily annoyed, on edge. These moods may happen in cycles or may be present most of the time)
6)Dissociative (spacing out)
7)Distrust of authority figures
8)Distrust of those previously trusted
9)Emotional distancing (not letting others see your true feelings)
10)Expressing a limited range of emotions
11)Explosive anger or overcontrolled anger
12)Flashbacks(intrusive memories) or feeling like you are reliving the abuse
13)Feeling helpless
14)Feeling hopeless, despair
15)Hypervigilance(watchful,always in a ready state to respond to potential crisis or trauma)
16)Loss of interest in activities or work
17)Loss of sustaining faith
18)Memory deficits or blackouts
19)Negative self image
20)Nightmares
21)Numbness, inability to feel emotions
22)Panic attacks
23)Problems with intimate relationships
24)Repeated failures of self-protection
25)Self-injury
26)Separation issues
27)Shame, guilt and self-blame
28)Sleep disturbances
29)Suicidal feelings, suicidal thoughts, suicidal actions
30)Survivor guilt
31)Withdrawal or isolation from family, friends, etc.

Still trying to find my original links but this came up in my search

In recounting her reaction when her husband confessed his affair to her, the wife said, "I cried and screamed, I went to the bathroom and threw up." Though it�s not often written or spoken about, it�s well-documented that infidelity victims experience physical reactions such as nausea, diarrhea, gastro-intestinal disturbances, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, headaches, loss of appetite, insomnia � just to name a few.

As a result of the trauma of infidelity, many betrayed spouses also experience PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) symptoms such as depression, anxiety, raging anger, intense shame, guilt, hyper-vigilance, flashbacks, nightmares, and more. Many marriage and family counselors are now using trauma-based therapies in treating victims of infidelity.

Thanks for the links. Really useful.

Is it to bad to have checked a few of those after more than 3 years after dday?

DH and I are almost two and a half years post D-Day. I have still not regained my previous abilities to focus and concentrate. My reading comprehension is still not good and I have just recently begun reading for pleasure again. The night mares are gone, the anxiety is less and my sleep patterns are almost back to normal. My doctor assures me that all of this is "normal recovery."

God's Blessings,

Say

3+ years later for me, too, though divorced. My concentration and reading skills are still lacking where I excelled before.

I still have trouble with tremors now and then. Not constantly like I did immediately after D-day but just here and there. Much of it depends on whether I've had contact with WxH or not.

I am also still extremely jumpy and easy to startle. I have never been that way. Now my cell phone rings and I about jump out of my skin. I sit with my back to the wall at restaurants, the last row at movies. I can't stand to have anyone behind me.

I've also lost the feeling of tickle. I used to be fairly easy to be tickled. All my tickle spots are gone. I've regained much happiness in my post-divorce life so it isn't like I'm depressed and that mood is affecting the sensation. The spots are just gone.

Hopefully time will continue to relax the hypervigilence. It already has to some degree

I believe some of us will have changes that are irrevocable.

Another symptom/effect of infidelity I haven�t seen mentioned in the links but I remember was discussed in the original thread is the wide band of abdominal pain in the first few weeks after d-day. It feels similar to muscle strain, and causes the BS to curl up in a foetal position in an attempt to relieve it.

It is possibly caused by the constant crying. It appears to lessen after 2-4 weeks.

I mentioned to my boss that I thought I had PTSD and that I thought this trauma was about as bad as I'd expierienced. He poo-pooed it. Made me feel like a big wuss.
Then, I found out that he had been cheating on his wife for the last 17 years. Guess dealing with the reality that he was abusing his wife and causing her harm made him uncomfortable.

I remember this weird feeling of desparation that I didnt belong in my house anymore. My house was like my he77. I hated it there..now I like it again.

I have always been deathly afraid of spiders, they freaked me out, made me scream like a loonatic..not afraid of them anymore, I stomp on them, I pick them up and squish them. Its like I am mad at spiders now because they are in my space and it pi$$e$ me off. No one, not even a spider is gonna ruin my life again..ya know, kinda like that? Okay I admit it sounds like i am a weirdo...

The ones I've highlighted in blue, and maybe all of them, I can see FWS's experiencing these also.
Specifically ones who are struggling in their R.
Don't know, just an observation.

I don't think my mind is the same yet, as it was pre d-day. Nothing specific comes to mind, I just don't feel grounded.
I do know that my enthusiasm for finishing a project or starting a new one, is diminished.

That's funny about the spiders Still! I don't think it's weird at all. I'm similar but different with rodents.
I used to freak at mice, freak!
Wanted them dead, I could actually beat them to death with a shovel.

I saw one the other day cross my path while cutting grass, normally I would have chased him and either squashed him with
the tires or munched him up in the blades. ( just a tad psycho I know)
This time though, I stopped the tractor, let him cross over into the garden ... to safety.
I was thinking, you are not worth getting freaked out over.

Is that apathy or just realizing that there are so many more things in life to direct my energy to ????
Not asking for you to answer Lil, just thinking out loud.

Vitt, It probably is more that that stuff doesnt matter anymore. Thats how I feel anyway....I never go on the recovery thread, just cant...but I see your still over there so you must be doin good, I am happy 4 you...

Still, I'm sorry for your situation. If I could wave a wand, everyone would be over there.

You know, I can relate to this. If there was one good side effect of the affair, it is that I have become way less afraid of many things. It's sort of like that Jeff Bridges' movie "Fearless". I just feel that nothng worse could happen to me, except one of my kids getting hurt. But, as regards my own personal safety and taking risks, I just feel like nothing would really hurt much. I pick up hitchikers all the time now and I plan on hitching through the Badlands, then the desert southwest next Spring. Who cares if I survive. Seriously, it is pretty freeing.

Thanks Vitt...I know you would do that for all of us...

Zelmo...Yup that is exactly how i feel...I know I said this somewhere before..but shortly after Dday, I cant remember exactly but I think some guy cut me off or something..but I do remember this guy in a truck pulled over and was screamin at me, you know road rage...I screamed back whatya gonna do, he said Ill kill ya you Biatch(or something to that effect), I said whatya got a gun, do it do it....we were both pulled over outside of our vehicles and he just waved his hand at me, got back in his truck and drove away...I could have been killed, but I really didnt care, luckily he didnt do anything...of course DS was NOT in the car.

But usually I would NOT have pulled over, I would have been afraid, but the same as you, I just wasnt afraid at all...It was like, whatya got for me, kill me, beat me up, it cant be any worse than what I am goin thru anyway.

And you are right the ONLY thing that could be worse is if anything happened to my beautiful DS. Other than that I feel I have been thru the worst...

Yes, I just wonder if this fearlessness lasts. I still care about things, but this whole expiereince has made me realize that life is just full of pain and you cannot avoid it. So, bring it on(again, except for the kids thing).

Just wanted to say thanks for this post as many of the symptoms are there for me, and when we went to marriage councelling the therapist sayd she couldnt understand why i was having such an extreme reaction to A (by extream she meant she couldnt understand why i was phisically sick when images of the affair surfaced). I lost hope in marriage councelling after that comment because she made me feel like a freack.
I do have extream post traumatic stress following A but as i live in the UK and the healthcare being in the sorry state that it is in now i have no way of getting help.
My reaction to when i discovered the affair still haunts me and makes me burst out in tears. WH was sitting on bed i asked him out right if he had slept with her and after a pause that seamed to go on for ever he nodded his head and i just collapsed, i screamed NO at the top of my voice but it didnt sound like my voice it came from the pit of my stomach then I just wanted to get out of the room at any cost (i thought if i got out of the room the pain would lessed thats how much of a state i was in) so when WH tryed to block the door i headed for the window and was half way out when he pulled me back in and pinned me down. This was followed by months of being phisically sick everytime i recalled details of he affair (this seams to happen at night when all the daily family chaos stops), I still have a brakedown if i even drive past a certain hotel chain where the affair was consumated. I can honestly say a year on i still tick most the boxes. Im anxious, get close to having panic attacks in certain situations. Its really horrible i just wish i was in a country where this was taken seriousely. Dr reaction to me has been affairs happen everyday why you blowing it out of proportion.

BH, your average marriage counselor has no idea of the true traumatic nature of adultery. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist with 35+ years of experience and he ranks right up there with rape, physical assault and the death of a child. For a C to tell you to just get over it indicates a lack of understanding about the devastation of affairs.

Dr. Harley recommends a separation in situations where the affair does not end and the affairees remain in contact. Your H goes to work with the OW every day, so every day you are triggered about the affair. Here is what he says about such situations where contact does not end:


Here he recommends enduring this kind of abuse for about 3-4 weeks and then moving to Plan B, which is complete separation:


In your situation, I would start thinking along those lines if your H doesn't do something about his job situation. The fact that he has sat idly by while you suffered for a year is very alarming and you may be running out of gas.

Thanks ML i have taken the steps that i have control over and ordered the book, im currently surfing the site to see what other help is available. I love the idea of the telephone coaching and im raising funds for it through picking up extra shifts at work however i am cautious about taking that road unless WH is behind it and is fully commited. I havent had a chance to talk to him about coaching as he just got in from work and is replying to his own thread on the downstairs PC while im in bed with the laptop looking at the help available like the personalised MB online program etc. I dont fully understand what stage im at (plan A or B) and im hoping that the book can help with clarifying that. I have reached the stage where i dont have any more love for him and i want to walk away due to his lack of care for me ( I mean what kind of man watches his wife pull out her own medical drip and walk out of hospital following an overdose due to affair and feel nothing). On the other hand i cant just give up he is my world i have no family support or anything a part from him. I dont feel a person in my own right i have been with him so long. It would be like cutting my own arm off without having tryed everything else to help first. I dont know if im making sense to anyone, sorry im starting to feel like a crazy person again

BH, you have hit on another aspect of enduring this kind of abuse for a long period of time. You risk growing to hate him. And when that happens, the marriage is usually over. When it gets this bad, it is hard to turn around. This is why I would focus very hard on him leaving his job. That is the most important, critical issue to your mental health and to your marriage.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{[BH}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

p.s do your parents know about the affair? Do you have their support?

Hi Bh,

The first thing you should do is contact the coaching centre. I think you should hang on until you have had a consultation with them, and then ask whether PTSD therapy can be used in conjunction with the coaching.

I don't see why it shouldn't be. I do know of one poster (MarriedForever) who has used the coaching centre and is currently undergoing PTSD treatment, so I don't see there should be problems with compatibility, but perhaps you should just ask to be on the safe side.

The treatment that I used, with great effect, was hypnotherapy. You say that your H has used this. I take it that you paid privately for it? Could you arrange a few sessions, for your PTSD this time?

I did not have the physical reactions you have had to the affair. Mine were much more emotional, after several false recoveries. One day I read an article in the Observer magazine and rang the hypnotherapist who was featured in a well-being trial. One session with him was enough to substantially lift my obsessing and anxiety. That therapist no longer works in London - I just googled him - but you are already in contact with one, so you could start there. Don't be put off by the lack of success with your H. I suspect that he used his conscious mind to block the treatment.

The therapy works by tackling our unconscious mind. If that part of your mind tells you that the affair was your fault and that you are worthless (or whatever), under deep relaxation you are told that you are wonderful and the best thing that could ever happen to your H. You emerge believing it with no effort at all. Your marriage will still need a lot of work and your H might never be up to the job, but you will be a changed person.

If you want to have another talk with your GP, suggest to him or her that some people deal with all kinds of events "normally" while others suffer PTSD. This is a medically recognised syndrome and it can be caused by all manner of traumas. If he or she is ever prepared to refer patients for this condition, then you are no different and should be referred too.

Have you talked to your GP about anti-depressants?