I met my husband in 2000 � we got married 2003 � we have 2 beautiful boys (oldest son from my previous relationship) � husband starts working abroad 2005 initially for 2 years � due to excessive spending on my side and buying our first home together out of initial 2 years become 4 years (his salary is much higher working abroad)

Due to a forced position change in my company I become very unhappy midddle of 2007 as the new position sucks � my husband and I form a limited company end of 2007 as I want to start my own business � I am starting to look for suitable premises beginning of 2008 but don�t involve husband in the actual signing of the premises(huge LB for him) � I am opening my own small shop November 2008 just in time for the deepening recession .

On the 5th of April 2009 husband tells me online on IM while being abroad how unhappy he is with me and that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore � that he is emotionally starved and thought about having an affair but didn�t, that opening the shop was a huge dealbreaker. I�d say he must have brought up every mistake I ever made in these 9 years � some of the things he brought up I couldn�t even remember. I was shocked � I had not seen any of this coming .

We had seen each other only twice since X-Mas 08 as he had to work so much and the second time was just for one day for my oldest confirmation. We also had sex every time he was home � no exception, the last time just the week prior to his announcement.

Anyway after 2 days of chatting online � he asked me not to phone him for this entire time � he tells me about a female co-worker he has gotten friendly with outside work back in March 09 � he had never mentioned her name until that day even though she joined his company middle of 2008 �
and he had told her about our problems � so far they had met only once by chance for coffee on their home from work. I got suspicious in that very moment that maybe this �friendship� had something to do with his sudden changed view of our marriage. I became teribbly jealous and asked him for one favor � not to have her in his appartment abroad. He agreed and stated until today that they are just friends. Looking back at ths situation with the Co-worker I should have not voiced my opinion in regards to her but should have snopped quietly for evidence. In regards to her I lovebusted a lot over the first few weeks as I just couldn�t get my feelings under control. I felt like I was missing the last jigsaw piece that all this mess would kind of make sense.

I begged him for a second chance so I could rectify all the mistakes I had made until that day and he agreed. I closed my business, stopped my excessive spending, took the kids out of childcare to save costs and revamped our house with the help of �Flylady� to fill his need for Domestic Support.

We spoke daily on the phone and I booked a flight to see him abroad the weekend of the 1st of May 09. I never got on the flight. 2 days before the scheduled flight I tried to call him on his mobile and couldn�t get through to him for 2-3 hours � very unusual � I must have called him 4 times frantically, thinking he was with her. He then called me back finally drunk � he had been in the pub with friends and left his mobile in the car � he was so angry � I had no right to ask him what he was doing... � anyway we spoke the next morning after he was sober again and after 3 hours of phone call he ended our marriage.

2 hours later we are on the phone again and he is now calm and offers me the following: �we stay separated and I sleep on the couch but we date instead to see if we can rekindle anything.�
And what did I say � �of course�, I was so happy to be given another life line so to speak.

He then comes home the second week of May 09� sits down on the couch, starts crying and says:�I don�t belong here anymore...� . He stayed home for a week, had lost 20lbs, was so cold, slept for 2 nights on the couch and then came back into our bed but we had no physical contact. 2 days before flying back abroad he went out with 2 of his brothers and came home late in the night drunk � he cuddles up to me for the first time all week and asks me to warm him � and so I did � and then he said something what I can�t forget until today. I always had cold feet all my life � he would always call me his �little reptil�. Anyway my feet brush his leg and he says: � What is it with you women and cold feet...� I remember I froze in that moment � it sounded like a comparison to me. Also the sex was different � he started pulling my hair during SF � something I can�t remember him ever doing before.

Me and the kids then went over to see him abroad on the 10th of June 09 � it was awful � he wasn�t prepared for our visit at all � the fridge was full of old food � he said to me a few days prior to the visit if I needed any toiletries just to ask him to buy them as they are so much cheaper abroad � but when I asked him 2 days before flying to buy tooth brushes for us he dceclined, saying he would have no chance to get to the shop. The following thought crossed my mid while I was there: � he either doesn�t live here at all or spends only very little time here...�

It all came to a head on the 14th of June � he broke it off for good a second time � said that i couldn�t get over my suspicions and that he could not get over the betrayal with the shop.

So we flew back home and I finally did what I should have done on day one � I hired a PI to follow him abroad. I had nothing to lose anymore at that stage � my marriage was over.
I had studied my husbands routines while I was abroad so I sent the PI to his house Saturday morning at 5.45 a.m. to start following him but my husband wasn�t there � I don�t know until today if he slept somewhere else or had the PI just missed him. The PI then picked him up in the afternoon at work � followed him home and then my husband went to town in the evening and met a woman for coffee � they stayed from 8 pm until 9.45 p.m. and then he took her back to his appartment (Saturday night ) until quarter past midnight. She then left in a taxi.

Now the PI report said: they greeted each other as if they were unknown to each other but talked in high spirits. There was no physical contact all evening � and she wasn�t the Co-worker.

I confronted my husband over the phone 2 days later and he told me the following: she is a friend of the co-worker he showed his flat to as he wanted to sublet it . This was the first time they ever met.

My husband then came home the first week of July and we told the kids we were separating.During this visit he told me about a facebook account he had �I had no clue about that � he had made it invisible so that only friends on his list could find him � the co-worker was one of them I found out later � he also told me about a second email account he has � again I had no clue � I have found in the meantime the email address but don�t have the password.

Anyway he went back abroad and I got access to his Instant Messenger in the middle of July 09� and there I found he was in fact dating the girl the PI found . This time I did not confront him but followed their conversations for around a week.

Suddenly their conversations went from dating to just being friends and one day later my husband asked me to reconcile. He asked me to move forward and forget about the past � I agreed and we tried to make it work for 10 days � unfortunately with the knowledge about the 2 of them I could not trust him anymore � I was hoping during these 10 days he could come clean about everything but he didn�t � so we finished it again after 10 days in the beginning of August.

A few days later I finally toldd him why I had acted so strange during these 10 days and that without the full truth I could not recover.

And this is the situation where we are today � my husband is abroad right now � he has given up his flat abroad end of this week as the job is only lasting for another week � I am hoping that he will never have to go back that country ever again (what happens jobwise for him after next week I don�t know � he has a hard time finding something else)� we are still separated � I am guessing he is still seeing someone � just don�t know who � he racked up a phone bill last month of $1500 and also his spending abroad has increased. The worst secenario in my head is that I am dealing with multiple affairs � I am hoping his email account will give me some answers � but I am fully willing to recover our marriage � the kids are having a hard time � my youngest is having a lot of angry outbursts lately � I am now in Plan A for 4 weeks � WH and I managed to have 3 phone conversations in the last 4 weeks ( the last one last night )without any lovebusting from my side and no anger, blame or sarcasm from his side ( the worst part about the last few months since April 09 were his anger and blame towards me)� I am keeping him in the loop about our finances which I have never done before � I have cut out all relationship talk � just keep it light and cheerful.
I want him to think of home as a safe place to be if that makes any sense.

Me and the kids want him to spend X-mas Day with us and then I am planning to go into a very dark Plan B after New Years Day with a bang.

I appreciate any suggestions what more I can do during the next few weeks before I go into Plan B.

I regret that you are so far away from him at this time. The marriage has turned into a LTR.

I mentioned previously that your independent behavior regarding the business can make a man irritated. You have responded properly and his reaction is therefor quite disgraceful for a married man.

What are his options if you plan B him?

Living far away definetly dampens the Plan A stuff, but not totally. You get to be more creative.

Send him ecards, call him and leave love messages - I'm just thinking about you. etc. When talking to him on the phone Mimi, taught me to remember a fun or happy event and remind him of it. Remind him of the family in loving ways. Etc.

I guess in the simplest form, you are leaving little drops of love, remembrances, crumbs if you would to the road home. My Plan A was showing my H what life could be like if he CHOSE to come home. Plan A is hard because the BS gives, gives and continues to give without any expectations that it's influencing, changing or whatever. That's hard, especially when they are the ones who did the wrong. Seems backwards to most people. Not to me, because I was FIGHTING a WAR for my marriage and I was WILLING to go to ANY lengths to fight.

So get creative, pray on it and see what you can come up with. Mimi always told me that I KNEW my husband better than anyone. Turns out I did. Remember, you won't know, unless WH says, and that's not likey to happen, but you won't know what impact what you are doing is having on him. And it might be NOTHING today. But going into Plan B and letting G-d have him is the best thing you can do.

I KNOW from experience that G-d is over there working on the WH, we just don't know how or when. If you want this marriage, we will be here for you to vent when you want to vent. I waited a LONG time for recovery to happen. And I'm so glad I did what people told me to do even when it was awfully hard.

If you end up having him home for Christmas, oh my would I have a Plan A spectacular planned. And then let him go, knowing that G-d has it from there. TRUST HIM...

Thanks imagine and Queenie - I have thought about the e-cards before and I think it's a great idea - I think the reason I haven't done it is I am afraid he will tell me to stop sending them as it's annoying for him and he will never come back or something in that regard.

I think X-mas would be the perfect day before stepping into Plan B - he always said this used to be our best time together and he is right.WH's birthday is on the 3rd of January so I thought shortly after that date.

Another thing I am worried about is his relationship with our kids - he rarely calls when he is abroad and when he does he tells nothing and I mean absolutely nothing about himself. If the kids ask how he is he says tired - he gives the impression to them that all he does is work, eat and sleep but his spending suggests otherwise - it's funny really - I used to be the one doing all the spending and now it's him.He doesn't spend tons of money but his country is dead cheap for going out i.e.
Anyway the calls also get shorter - my youngest spoke to him today and it was 3 minutes tops - I asked him afterwards why he didn't tell him more and he says he doesn't want to as Dad is now boring and tells nothing about himself so he doesn't want to tell him much either. It's snowballing out of control really and it worries me.

Imagine, please explain what you mean which options does he have in Plan B?

Remember, Plan A is about YOU. Not what some cracked out WH will say.

They say ANYTHING to keep the lie, the drug going. Don't let his words STOP you from fighting for your M. In the end, if you don't recover your M you will have done everything possible.

Queenie, I have chosen an e-card and will send it tomorrow

The boys a phone call with their dad yesterday the first time in 2 weeks - in these 2 weeks there have been numerous playdates, movie evenings, birthday parties and a halloween parade in school and the phone call was so short. WH said: "if you have nothing more to say you can hang up" to an 8 year old??????


I wonder if he has lost his mind perhaps

Can he extend his employment away from you? Can he park off at a friend or relation? Will he find accommodation at a bordello?

I ask this in order that he gets a good dose of Plan A from you before he disappears again.

I am guessing the following - he will be in Ireland in November until he finds something else abroad - he hasn't found anything yet - when he is in Ireland he is staying in his parents house -
if he finds a new job abroad I think he will be in Ireland again for X-Mas. His best bet would be to apply in his old company here in Ireland but he can't seem to bring himself to it. I think he has to hit rock bottom first financially.

That is unconscionable for an adult to say that to his child. When I turned 16 and got my drivers license, my dad (prompted by his new wife, the Evil Stepmother) told me "Since you can drive now, if you want to see me, you know where I live."

Over 40 years later, and it still breaks my heart every time I think of it.

IMO, this is a situation in which you need to hold your H's feet to the fire, for what he is doing to his own children. Apart from what you're trying to accomplish in your marriage, he has to hear about the repercussions of his wayward behavior. It may not even be wayward; it may be avoidance action: He equates time with you as...bad...so he avoids anything to do with being in any situation where he might have to associate with you - including dealing with his kids. He's waiting for you to get on the phone and chew him out or guilt him or whatever it is he associates with you.

But when it comes to kids, you are talking about LIFELONG effects of his neglect - failed relationships, years of IC, bad job habits...the list is endless. Find a way to make him hear it.

Yeah, I am not sure how to handle this situation with the kids -
how do I tell him what jerk he is to our kids without lovebusting while being in Plan A and you can be sure he will turn that around too - on me. Like always...
There is no way he will say: you are correct, I will change.

Any imput on the wording appreciated.

It'so weird because WH's conversations with me seem to get better but he seems to have lost interest in the kids - I am not sure how better to put it then lost interest.

Here's what I would do. I'd get on the Internet and start searching repercussions of affairs and divorces on children. Just start gathering data on long-term effects on children, and compile it, and hand it to him.

Or if his parents are around, hand it to his parents, better yet. Tell them that this is already happening to your kids and ask for their help. They may condone what HE does, but they likely won't condone anyone - even their son - hurting their grandchildren.

If he sees data - not relating to him, just general data - on what happens to kids when their father withdraws, it may shake him out of it.

I disagree with Cat. Educating your spouse is a lovebuster.

Don't assume that he isn't already thinking about these things. He probably is, but isn't willing to address it. And you can't "make" him with all your facts and statistics...

I don't want to do what he is expecting me to do and what I would have done in the past: judging him.

I disagree on this one. I equate a parent's duties separate from a spouse's. WSs will try to justify their bad behavior with their children just like the affair. However, there is (hopefully) a different moral compass when it comes to your kids than to your wife.

I've seen a lot of people 'wake up' when it's brought to their attention how they are hurting children. Spouses, not so much.

It's really easy to just tell yourself they'll get over it, as most WSs do. But when you present him with dozens of studies, years of research, you have a better chance of reaching the parenting part of his skull than just by hoping he'll see the pain. He just might be able to see himself as that father in the study, the one none of the grown kids will have anything to do with because of his withdrawal.

That is why giving him the proof, the evidence, the research, and then just leaving it up to him is the best way to go - at least better than just not saying a word because you're afraid of upsetting him and not getting him back for you. You're saying that you don't want him to lose his connection with his kids, and you don't want them hurt.

Doing this is making an observation, that our kids may be falling into these statistics, and leaving it up to him to decide.

Maybe it's just me. But I don't give up on helping kids just because it makes someone upset with me. And even if it does LB him, at least he has heard the data - which he never would have otherwise. There may come a day when it triggers him. And that wouldn't have happened if you hadn't brought it up.

I am just wondering if it's counterproductive to talk to him about it right now

Well, I guess that would depend on how much your kids are suffering.

Meaning, if they're just sad about him, I guess it can wait. If they're getting so that they're going to develop issues about it, I wouldn't care if he 'hears' it or not. He needs to be told what effect he's having on his kids, if it's causing serious harm to them. Only you can tell, I guess.

I think what I don't want is that the kids take his example and stop talking - no problem with my oldest but my youngest is going in that direction:" if he tells nothing, neither will I"
On the other hand I want to keep my eye on the long term goal and don't want to compromise it right now.

It really sucks...

Well then doesn't he need to be told other things too?

Shouldn't BS tell her husband all the things he's doing wrong?
From her morally superior position?

BeStrong -- read up on the lovebuster "educating your spouse" and understand the pitfalls if you decide to undertake this.
And understand how he will interpret the information you are trying to give him.