I found out about my husbands affair August 2008. He left his phone at home and I found text messages to her. I confronted him and then I think I surprised him by saying that I didn't want him to leave the marriage. We went to counseling for a few weeks, and then he dropped the bomb that he wanted a divorce. He told our girls, then 13 and 15. But he wouldn't move out. My mom was out of town for an extended period of time, so I moved the girls over to her house. This made him furious. Said he should have a say in decisions about his daughers.( imagine that!!! told him I should have a say too, and he had already made the decision.) In October he came crawling back, telling me he love me and wanted to be with his family. I believed him and let him move back in. When he talked to the girls a few days later he told them that he was only taking things a day at a time, so I asked him to move out again.

While he was away, I found out that he had been with another woman at the same time. So that makes 3 of us at once. We had just started counseling again, and I told him I coudn't trust him while he was living outside the house, so he moved back in. Shortly after, we moved in to a new home. One that was originally intended for me and the girls. He moved with us. I was still dealing with my roller coaster of course, which he was finding very hard to deal with. On top of everything, in December, he lost his job. But things were going well, or so I thought. We went to Vegas for a job interview for him. He got the job, and we had what I thought was a wonderful time.

I'm still having my dips. Money is still very tight. We have to borrow money from his parents to eat and pay bills. We almost lose both houses. During this time, I feel like he is becoming more distant and non-commital. He swears he has no contact with OW. I feel like I am going crazy.

It is now June. Girls and I are planning on going away for about a week. Right before we leave I tell him that I need a commitment to work on our marriage. I tell him that if he decides to leave he should take the time we are gone to move out. I also tell him not to contact me unless there is an emergency. The trip is great, but stressful. I don't know if I am going to have a husband to come home to. 3 days before we are to come home, I get a text that the IRS has siezed our accounts, and that my car has been reposessed. I call him crying. He has always been bad with money, and made some bad choices about spending when we got the loans from his parents. It was completely unnecessary to lose the car. He cries and cries. Says he will be here when I get back, and he doesn't want to lose me. When we get home, ther is another car in the driveway for me that his parents had helped him purchase. He cries that he is so sorry for everything he has put me through, and he won't hurt me any more.

Things seem to be going good for awhile. He even tells friends that things are going well, and tells my mom that he will never leave again.

Fast forward a few months. It is August again, ironic huh? While opening the computer, I find that he hasn't signed out and see more emails to her from the day before. I confront him when he gets home from the store and kick him out. When the girls get home from church, I tell then everything. Oldest says that she had already figured it out. Youngest is devasted. He stays with his parents over night. I call him in the middle of the night because I find a secret email account he set up for her. He cries and cries, says he is sorry. Wants to come home. I get an email the next morning listing all of the reason he loves me.

We have a good month. We are doing devotionals together, going on dates. The girls seem to be reovering. Then I see our cell phone bill and find out that he has called her one more time. He says it was to say goodbye, but it was an hour long converstion. He falls in to deep depression. Maybe it was not good timing on my part, but I asked him again for a decision. He decides to move out. He tells me that he thinks if he leaves, she will see him again. He moves out 10/9. Girls and I go out of town on their school break. We go to a friends cabin. The experience is horrible for all of us. Too much isolation, too much time to think. No cell phone coverage. We cut our trip short and head home. Youngest cries all the way home. As soon as we get in to cell phone range I discover that he has been trying to get ahold of us.

He comes over to talk that evening. Girls are at church. He tells me he loves me wants to be married to me and grow old together. I ask him if he called her. He said yes. She told him it was over AGAIN. There are too many reasons why it would never work. She lives very far away from us, is married, and has kids. I have been in contact with her since I found out about the second round of communication. She tells me she can not live with the guilt of breaking up a family, and won't see him again. I know I can't trust that. I think she will tell herself that she is not to blame for the break-up of my marriage. But I know it wouldn't work anyway. She is too far away. She will not move her kids, and my husband won't leave his kids or his business. My husband still refuses to see the logic in this.

So here I sit. I have had several dates with my husband. But I sense he is back to his lets wait and see how things go attitude. So I told him this morning that I was ready to move forward with my life, with or without him. I told him the girls could not go through this again, if he decides to change his mind again. He seems to be a prisoner of his emotions. I don't feel he has made the decision to move on from the OW. I refuse to let him do this to us again. I do believe that marriage should be forever. I am willing to forgive, but he has done so much more damage just by his back and forth. I can't take it anymore, and I know the girls can't. They do not want to have anything to do with him at this point. I also told him I could not take them losing respect for me by allowing him back in, even if only to date, just to have him change his mind AGAIN. they would also lose ALL respect for him. I think it would do irreversable damage to their attitude towards him as well as their relationship, although he doesn't see that. He has already told youngest theat he wants to come back if I will allow it. But this morning told me that he is still up in the air. Is the back and forth normal? How can he continue to play this game with me and kids?

Added note. A request from those of you who have been through this. I have no idea what to expect or if I am pushing too hard. I really want my marriage to work. Do I need to be more patient, Which is so hard to do. I just hate to think of him doing more damage to the girls. What do you suggest? Do I give him time without seeing us to see if he is committed? Even though I know it will drive me crazy. Will he ever be 'over' the OW? He says she is his soul mate. Because he feels this way, is there any hope for us? I did tell him this morning that counseling would be a condition of moving back in. I have thought of suggesting this forum to him.

Claygal,

I am new to this too, but I have gone through Plan A and still am doing Plan A even though we may be on the path to recovery.

I am sorry for what you are going through. I think you should move this thread over to "Surviving An Affair", and I don't think you are in recovery yet. It sounds like to me you may need to go to Plan B, but like I said I am new to this. Other people wiser and more experienced than me will come by and help you here. It's a little slow on the weekends.

If you haven't yet, please read up on Plan A and Plan B, and also Pepperband's thread "the carrot and stick". I hope someone can post links here for you so you can access these easily.

I strongly suggest, don't say anything about this website to your H yet! It can be your best weapon for saving your marriage, like it was/is for me.

Claygirl, NS is right, this thread should be moved over to Surviving and Affair. It is very unlikely the affair is over.

Have you exposed the affair to the OW's husband? Has your whole family on both sides been told of the affair?

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so if this affair has not been exposed wide and far, you are just enabling it.

Thanks for the suggestions. I will move this over. My husband says he has had no further contact with her. I do believe him. I don't think however that he is facing the reality that she has told him she doesn't want to see him. 2 times now. He is throwing himself into his business. I feel that by doing this he is not facing truth, or emotions. I have not told OW husband. My feeling is that he knows or suspects. My husband says the same thing. She was going to bring her kids out here for a "family" vacation, but her husband asked her not to come, this is why I think he suspects. Part of the reason I haven't contacted him is that I know they have an extremely shakey marriage. (She has told me this in an email) I have always been afraid that contacting him would bring her and my husband closer together. I still feel very strongly about this. My gut tells me that he would end their marriage. Giving my husband the green light. My daughters are aware of the whole situation. As are both sides of the family. His sister actually encouraged it!

claygal, you should call her husband today and tell him about the affair. Call him TODAY. You have made a huge strategic mistake by not telling him. She has no intention of ending her marriage and exposing to her H would have put pressure on her long ago to dump your H.

Exposure to the OW H is the most powerful weapon you have against the affair and you have not even used that tool.