Let's get some informational threads going here!

Come on old timers. Help me out here!!

Lets do this one for the first most important steps to take when your discover your H's A has resulted in the OW's pregnancy.

We'll also do one for the guys- what to do if your W's affair has resulted in a pregnancy..

And for the women-- what if YOUR affair has resulted in YOUR pregnancy.

Let's get started!!

#1 concern--is the A over? This applies to all the scenarios above. If so, are you willing to work on this marriage? Do you WANT to save it? You don't have to KNOW. for sure, right now. Dr Harley suggests waiting to make final decisions about not saving the marriage until the drama trauma dies down so you can make a rational decision. If the A is over, NC with the OP must be in place. Hopefully that includes a NC letter to the OP and total complete separation. The pregnancy? Not the MAIN concern at this time. If you want to save the marriage, we have to work on building a strong foundation first.

Affair not over? We have to end it! Who knows about this affair? Do you have a support team behind you? Family, friends, church, neighbors? We need a support team to expose this affair to the light of day and end it! Gather your team to let them know your marriage is in trouble & your need their help to save your marriage.

This is just the first steps. Let's add on and feel free to ask questions if you need help.

I am game game for any help and advice i can get right now. This site is wonderful i probably would have made alot of dumb mistakes and stupid decisions if it weren't for the advice of people in similar situations. I started out thinking that the Pregnancy of my WW by OM was the biggest issue but this site has helped me to realize that it is not and that i need deal with my marriage first and everything else will fall in place.
I am at the point of trying to rebuild the marriage but i don't know where to start i feel as if my WW and i are on seperate pages actually right now i feel like we are not even in the same book. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dr Harley has placed examples of how he has handled this on this site.

Factors of age: spouses young, no COM, children of the marriage, divorce, let the WW and OM marry so the OC is raised in it's bio family

But

Are there COM: better for the COM to keep their family intact, OM told to hit the road, recover marriage

OM wants to be involved: difficult to maintain NC. Shared custody has to go through 3rd party at neutral site

Is BH willing to raise OC

Is BH willing to recover but wants abortion or WW to give up OC to adoption

Is the WW willing to go NC, has gone NC, realizes OM is not good husband or father material, will never have anything more to do with the OM, recover marriage, but not give up OC



Whether the situation is BH/WW or WH/BW it�s basically the same.



It maybe best for the marriage to be recovered but both parties have to want it. The same for a situation that calls for divorce, but BS and WS won�t file.

It boils down to that MB principles need to be used and what the BS and WS are willing to do.

Marriages have recovered with an OC, with and without COM, with and without shared custody with the OM.

There have been people that sued the OM for CS. This then led the OM to sue for shared custody.

Some at first felt the OM was getting away with murder, and sued OM for CS. Then years latet only to regret getting this blood money because it kept the OM in their lives.

So it comes down to what a BS and WS want, can handle, and, are willing to do.

As with any affair, it�s what you can swallow, and what you can.

How do i know if i even want to save my marriage, i feel like it has been nothing but a struggle since the beginning. and i feel like i am carrying dead weight like we are on seperate pages and i always have but because we have children i hae chosen to overlook all of this and stay. Sometimes i think that i m just being selfish but at other times i think i have a legitimate point so that is where i am right now is trying to figure out inside if i truly want to fix things. i know that what we have could be great but I have just never felt like she is my soul mate

"How do i know if i even want to save my marriage"

This is why all BS's are cautioned not to make any decision whether to recover or divorce until six moths have past since D day.

The BS needs to process what happened, and legal issues cleared as to which will be the best choice for them to make.

A BS has to do what is right for them.

A BS has to do what they can handle.

A BS has to do what they want.

This is why time is needed to process things in the BS's mind.

As Ann Landers said: are you better off with her or without her.

Then the OC, can you raise it as yours, will WW give OC up, will the OM disappear out of your lives forever.

No one can resolve these issues in a day.

On one hand i think that i would be better off by myself but on the other i do not know, i feel like i would but i have never really been out on my own and when we first got together it was an extremely ruff time for me because my mother had recently passed and i had turned to drugs to cope and she was the only one that was ablt to get me sober. In a since I almost feel as if I owe her something like she was able to help get me clean and I did cheat on her early into our marriage and despite evverything she has stuck it out with me and now i feel like i want to end it not just because of the A but for several reasons and I know that it is not the right choice, i believe that right now i am just thinking that the grass is greener on the other side but in reality i know that it's not. Even though i may be unhappy with certain things now i know that i would be even more unhappy and depressed if I had no family and I fear that i might turn to drugs again as a way to escape the loneliness. Having said that i still do not think that it is right for me to stay with her if i cannot treat her the way that she wants to be treated for my own selfish reasons or because i am comfortable.

How do you rekindle the lost flame in a relationship with the added stress of no money and no help from family or friends?

People are told that they are not to make any big decisions for six months from D day. Because the recovery process does not take days.

Discover, D day, has your mind unsettled. This is why you are all over the place.

This is why recovery takes two to five years. Not months, years. This process can't be rushed.

I had my A in late 2005 and we just started to get passed it around the middle of this year and it has been 3 1/2 long years of no trust and and lots of doubt and I ask myself do I want to go through another 4 years of that. We both know that it would be easier to go out and start over but we also know that it would devistate are children. You are right I am Extremely confused and torn between what to do and iI am so thankful that i have found this site because there is no telling what kind of rash decision I would have done made if I was trying to go at this alone.

Soul Mate..... a description of someone that does not exist, made up to look like Prince Charming or (fill in the blank here). Who we want a romantic relationship with when we are unhappy with our current state. We think will cure all ills and live happily ever after.
Term used frequently by people committing adultery to justify their misbehavior!!!

Recovery is a long process, it can bring the greatest reward if both parties participate. The COM must factor in as well. This is not just two adults deciding if they want to recover their M. This is two parents who have to decide if recovering will benefit them and the COM or just cause more harm to the COM. One cannot be sacrificed for the other, the least harm to all.
The welfare of the COM and the M takes precedence over the final factor, the OC. With WW having the OC then you have to decide if you can incorporate this child as your, many of the BH's here have not had a problem accepting the OC once they hold it. But most would prefer that NC had been established and maintained, that the CS they get is not worth the on going lifetime interference from the OM.

Walking away and the effects on the COM aren't any easier. Both roads are painful, both have benefits an pitfalls. Take the time you need to walk the road of recovery, you can always change your mind and walk away later if you need to. But remember, there are multiple children being affected here, that depend on their adults to do right by them.

Marriage to each other was the vow and commitment, love doesn't just exist, it is worked on and nurtured, Love must be worked on in both directions by both parties to survive.

FTS...you are just awesome. So wise.