Dr. Harley (and others) write that most affairs don't "last". The most commonly cited duration is ~2yrs which coincides with the typical length of the human infatuation ("limerance") period, after which the inherent incompatibilities and deceits involved tend to disintegrate the relationships.

However, some affairs, for whatever reasons, DO persist well beyond this natural timeframe...clandestine or not, divorce or not, affair-marriage or not. Who here has experience (either end) with an affair lasting 3+ years and wants to share their insights and experiences for discussion?

Much appreciated...

From what I can ascertain in trying to piece together a timeline. H was involved in his A for almost 5 years. 2 years that I knew of, a year before that and the revelation that there was about a year and a half more.

It was when they tried to make it more than an A was when it became to unravel. It just took a LONG TIME...

I don�t know how long my WH�s A had been going on by the time I found out but possibly years. He refused to speak about it. I�ve been in plan B for 5 years.... and he�s still living with OW.
It�s not pretty.

ccbis, I remember you talked to Mimi. How are you doing? Want to give us an update?

Nothing to update unforunately Queenie. That�s why I don�t post anymore. things have been the same for 5 years now. WH lives with OW, we don�t have any contact. He sees DDs about once a week but talks to them often on the phone. 2 of my 3 DDs refuse to have anything to do with OW but H�s family does.

About a year and half ago we had to talk about a joint bank account so I used that meeting for 2 things, one to ask his agreement about selling the house and 2 to ask him to file for divorce. He agreed to both and our lawyers talked but his lawyer did not proceed.
About 3 months later my lawyer found out that his lawyer had "personal problems" so we waited. 1 Year later WH found out that his lawyer had personal problems and had not proceeded so he changed lawyers! that was in july and there has been no other news.
I don�t file because I don�t really want the divorce, I don�t need it either ( I am Catholic and will not remarry) and I want him to be responsible.
In spite of this being a typical A with a predator OW, they seem to be an exception... unfortuntely for me. I am still waiting for some kind of closure.

I wanted to post to this for one really important reason .... to let any new BS know that a marriage can still be restored, and be better, despite a long term A.
It's been far from straightforward, there are many years, life experiences, vacations and whatever that makes you doubt any feelings from the WS to be sincere.
Was it all a lie for so long has been tough one to deal with. But, all A's leave the BS with doubts about their M, in one aspect or another.
Same pile just different crap right!

When I first starting posting, months after only lurking, I read a post that suggested the survival of a M after a long term A, was nil or darn close to it.
While it may be more difficult, don't know since I have no experience with a short term A, I know that it's not an absolute.
It shattered me and took the umph out of my sails to keep up the fight.

So, my H's A was 6yrs.
There was a physical distance of 6hrs. which was a good thing and I'm sure this is what kept the A from escalating out of control, more than it already was.
Although they knew each other from almost 30yrs. ago and had been intimate at that time, they had only met up with each other a handful of times when d-day occurred.
Phone, postal mail, and text contact was enormous.

This I believe for sure, no matter the length of the A, exposure, Plan A/B and strict adherence to the R plan are necessary for a new M.
The MB weekend seminar was crucial for our R. I'm not saying this for brownie points btw, I'm saying this cuz it's the truth.

Thanks Vittoria,

You give me hope. My husbands affair has been with his high school girlfriend. She lives half way accross the country. He has only seen her a handful of times. I have spoken with her, and emailed her. She has told him it is over. He doesn't seem to want to accept it. He runs hot and cold with me. One minute he is professing undying love for me, he next he is saying things like I just want to get to know you again, lets take it a day at a time. What am I supposed to settle for at this point? How far do I push? My story is in this forum under "Did I make a HUGE mistake? I really could use some guidance. I am so hurt and so lost.

Sd man:

Here's the link to the ending of my LTA:

Curtains for LG

For those of you on the wrong side of a VLTA, there is hope.

LG

SDCWMan,

My ExH left me Spring '06 to "get his head together". Got an apartment and told me it was just a trial separation. I had no idea he moved OW in 3 weeks later. I have a feeling he was at least having an EA iwth OW for maybe 8-10 months prior to that.

'07, we got D'd. '08 he married OW, '09 they had a baby. Waiting to see waht '10 will bring as it seems something happens every year...

So yeah my ExH's affair never ended, and it ended up an "affairage"

As far as I can tell, my WHs A is going into the 5th year. We should be D'd this week so it will be interesting to see if it becomes an affairage....

Interesting indeed!

I am trying to use the plan with my WH's newly discovered (longer than 7 years, less than 10....) year affair.

Time'll tell if it works.

So far he seems on script.

My WXH's A is at least 3 years old now - perhaps more, but not quite 4. I know this because OWH discovered OW with a different OM in January of 2006. OTOH, she's skanky enough to have had 2 OM's at one time but in any case, I only know for sure they were seeing each other in August of 2006. They have been living together since May 2007.

I've put quite a bit of thought into this and though I still don't have all the answers, I can list many factors that contributed to this affair's longevity:

1. OWH threw OW out of the house and made no attempt of marital recover of his own. It was her second affair that he knew of. Nobody can blame him for this.

2. OWH throwing OW out occurred before my D-day. OW had time to give WXH the ultimatum - me or her. I recall him being under a lot of stress those 2 weeks, but I thought it was his work. In any event, he had time to figure out what to say to me and everyone else.

3. I didn't find MB until WXH was practically out the door. Given OW&WXH's head start on the process, I didn't have much time to begin with. I botched some good exposure targets and the half-day I had to do Plan A meant it was virtually nonexistant.

4. Because I dropped the ball on exposure, people actually believed his story that he dumped me on a Friday and met someone, fell in love and was ready to move in with (and her 7 yo DD) by Tuesday.

5. OW and OWH almost immediately engaged in a custody/visitation/CS battle that has yet to see an end. This coincided with WXH realizing that he got a raw deal in the separation agreement so he started breaking into my house and stealing stuff. He also forwarded my mail so taht I would be able to pay my bills. I fixed that but he succeeded with a company who he set up e-billing with and that changed management at the same time. I ended up being taken to collection over $19.69.

6. OW and WXH discovered that the glue that held them together was their mutual hatred of OWH and myself. OWH and I did little to stop this - because of their antics with visitation for him and ruining my credit, it was critical we knew what they were up to and when. They lied like crazy, but between OWH and I we could usually figure otu the truth. They once tried to set OWH up to "forget" his DD7 at school. (OW had a habit of refusing visitation at the last second and had been giving him the runaroudn about this particular Friday in the hopes that he wouldn't show up. Meanwhile, she left town but didn't tell anyone. I found out because at the same time I was trying to get my tax forms from WXH - anther thing he'd taken - and discovered he was out of town at his parents)

7. Anyway, this constant battle fed the flames of their "love". Though I withdrew into a modified Plan B, OWH couldn't without giving up his DD7.

8. It all escalated with OW running OWH over with her truck and being charged with assault. The court put a restraining order on her and assigned an IM to deal with communication and visitation.

9. The drama might have ended there, but as fate would have it, my income tax situation was still not sorted out and they deposited a substantial refund in WXH's account. Naturally he wouldn't return it so I've ahd to file a small clamis suit against him.

10. The small claims suit, while still ongoing, has turned out to be a very smooth process and has made communication with WXH far easier (for me). As a result, they still need drama. Now OW is suing OWH saying that the assault charges were frivilous.

How this story ends remains to be seen.

Dispite the longevity, I am convinced this A will ultimately end. It is simply not possible for the drama to continue forever. Eventually, the daughter has to grow up. I keep thinking issues with me have run out and sooner or later they ahve to. I stay away as much as possible and now that we're suing each otehr in court, it's no problem when I do have to see or speak to him.

My WH,s affair has been just over four years now, discovered by me after two years. He met her at work. They do not work together as of two years ago. It has been fully exposed for a year and a half and he moved out about that time...his family and our friends have never seen OW and do not accept her..I am close to his family.

Part of the reason I feel it has lasted so long is that they do not live together and she lives an hour away. He doesnt see her more than a couple times a week. He is with my DS a lot and DS does not want anything to do w OW, so she is not ever with my DS. They still kind of have to sneak around, so I think that adds to its longevity. I think maybe if they lived together or saw eachother a lot it might not be lasting this long, but who knows.

I was always under the impression that when Harley says that an A will burn out in about 2 yrs, he meant after the APs are together 100% of the time because the BS is no longer willing to put up with the abuse. A WS can cake eat for years, decades even...and why wouldn't they if he get some stroking on the side with no strings attached? So even if an A has been going on for 2+ yrs, during that time the APs never had to rely on each other 100% so it is easy to keep on going. Plus as Vit said, if the APs only see each other once in awhile it is easy for the fantasy to live on longer.

I also think it's important to know that cake-eating comes in various forms. Just because you aren't meeting traditional EN's, there are some real obscure ones that seem to surface in many of these situations. One that pops up in a number of poster's situations is sort of a "hero-complex" thing where the WH keeps coming back to do stuff like fix things around the house or whatever. I think some of these guys like to think that you are hopeless without them. Even in real nasty cases like mine, my WXH probably gets a bit of a thrill at the thought of my finances being possibly screwed up without him here to manage them. Though I haven't actively done anything to keep him involved in them, stuff like the income tax thing keeps happening. A number of posters have described situations where their WH exhibits behavior like this. I believe this is one reason complete black-hole darkness is critical for Plan B. Even the slightest sliver of light getting through can feed these cake-eaters.

OMG, My WH still comes to the house and shovels snow(I shovel but I guess it isnt done good enough) and mows the lawn, or my son will tell him something isnt working he will come in and fix it...I stay in my Bedroom when he is here.. but I know I shouldnt even let him in, I just feel like my son will wonder why I just dont let his father fix the stuff that is broken.

I never thought that I was feeding into the hero thing...but I definitely believe that..He is still paying the bills and stuff too... UGGHHH no wonder my life is so screwed up.

Tabby,

My exWW is the same way. While she hasn't done anything for me since last July in terms of meeting any of my EN's, there are a lot of things she does to get some of her needs met by me. The obvious one is to keep asking me for money but that ain't happening. I'm only paying her what the courts ordered me to pay. The more subtle one is calling me after her interviews as well as asking me to forward her job postings from my company as well as just general interview advice. Ever since college she and I were each other's go to support person for career and interview advice. This is very painfull for me - emotionally, I do not want to talk to her unless it is absolutley necessary. But, from a business perspective, it's by far in my best interests for her to get a job consumate to her education level.

These subtle ENs seem to have more power than we give them credit for. They also suck, because aside from making Plan B even more difficult, they make personal recovery as a divorcee more difficult as well. It doesn't even matter that they don't directly interfere with your life. The knowledge that you are still providing that person with *anything* is sickening in many ways.

I am 98% positive that my H's LTA lasted about five years (2 years & 8 months physical). H timelined it for me about three months after d-day, but even then he could not bring himself to 'fess up to when the physical affair actually began. Only after some non-emotional questioning via email, did he give me some info that pretty well convinced me of when the PA began. As far as the EA, I've pretty much concluded that it began about five years before d-day, just after I had begun a time-consuming, mind-consuming new job. Does the knowledge that he failed to take me into consideration for that long hurt? Heck, yes!!! Am I willing to throw away the fact that for all those other years, he was a loving, devoted husband? Heavens, no!!!

I/We were fortunate that with discovery, the affair ended. My heart goes out to MB posters who struggle daily with WSs still in affairs. We are in the eleventh month of our recovery. One of us suffers the pain of having been betrayed while the other suffers equal pain of having been the betrayer. The important fact, however, is that we love each other; and in that love, we try with all our might to care for and protect each other.

My H was sexually addicted to a OW predator half his age. In my situation, I learn a little more each day about addiction. Just the other day, I had the opportunity to warn my granddaughter about the perils of drug abuse (No, H is not into drugs), using the situation of a drug-abusing relative to explain how drug addiction leads the addict to care about nothing or no one in his/her life except the drugs. Later that night, the light bulb went off in my head. That's exactly what my H's life had been like. He had become slowly addicted to someone, who was dangerous and exciting. She made him feel young. He had told me several times that he was not happy in that life of betrayal. He has thanked me repeatedly for saving him. I had trouble believing that he was not happy with his secret life; but when I thought of his LTA in the context of addiction, I understood.

I realize that I had read in many books that often infidelity is like an addiction, but in those first ten months I had not truly absorbed that information and applied it to my situation. Yes, R is a one-day-at-a-time journey.

LTAs seem to make R more difficult but not impossible.