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LG, Thanks for sharing your story. I don't know how it is for you, but it's sometimes hard for me to re-live that timeframe. This part really got me. Actually made my stomach do a flip or 2. Then we started to get into the details
She raged sometimes, but was amazingly calm. Thank you MB.
I just spoke. Times, places, what happened, She would ask questions and I would answer. The look on my H's face the day he asked for all the details is forever embedded in my memory. I was rushing around getting ready for work, still working with FOM, trying to get the girls ready and everyone out the door on time. He looked at me with the saddest face I have ever seen in my life and said, "Please don't leave me here alone. I need for you to tell me everything that happened. The things I keep visualizing are killing me." I immediately called my boss, told her I would be late and had no idea when I would be in. After our youngest was on the bus we sat on the couch and I gave him all the details. It was the absolute most humiliating day of my life. We talked for about 3 hours, he asked questions, I answered truthfully and when I was done spilling it all the only thing he said was, "Thank you for not having sex with him." I made sure he was "OK" and headed off to work about 4 hours late. Hindsight, I should have called in sick. I have no idea why I didn't. I was completely useless at work. I had my game face on, did my best to avoid FOM, avoided all of my coworkers and was a nervous wreck. It makes my heart ache whenever I think about that day. Like you and your W, we have come out the other side. I am thankful everyday my H chose to rebuild and not leave me. I am a lucky person to still have him. LC
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LG, Lindysue is looking for "why" answers from the FWH perspective. Can you help her? Mr. Goodstuff's thread for LindysueLC and MAZ, Since we have so few former wayward guys, maybe you can shed some light on "why" or at least "how you you dont' know why" it happened. I've told her what my FWH said but your insights will help alot more. Thanks, Ace
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I should've commented on this when I first read this ...
but I was reminded of it recently when people were discussing long term affairs...
this post stands for a good first hand experience...
how some long term affairs.....
become
just the known....
not so much about deep connection but a habit...
in someways they are even of greater disrespect to the OP.and the inner WS.......
for they go on and on with no real truth to them..
no true commitment
no true action...
just routine and probably even fear of exposure keeps it going as much as emotional stuff....
the thought of being caught being a CAD for years and years vs shorter term....
pretty overwhelming for a WS....
probably easier to keep things status quo...
less to lose that way...in the warped thoughts processes of a WS....
for surely they are just a perpetual stat
we humans rationalize anything and everything...
that's what we do....
ofcourse this just all my opinion about long term affairs...
habitually known things....
thank you lousy golfer for this post,,,,
thank you for all those you reach out to here..
this board is blessed by your presence
may you always remain lousy in golf..
and great as a husband....
ARK
Last edited by ark^^; 07/03/07 08:18 AM.
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Ark:
Thanks for posting...
You are right.
It was:
"probably easier to keep things status quo..."
She liked it, I liked it. No reason to move off of dead center.
However, MB proved the cataylst to move off of center.
And here we are today. Much destruction in OW and my wake. But Flamingo and I are rebuilding.
And this was sweet:
"may you always remain lousy in golf..
and great as a husband...."
Although I would like to improve in golf as well!
LG
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Wow LG - Thank you for providing me the link to your story. I hope that my husband and I can get to the place you and Flamingo are at...
I just hope!
hurtingbadly
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just a bump.
We seem to be attracting a number of Wayward Husbands recently.
Maybe this will give both parties some hope.
LG
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I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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LG, Man, when I first saw this post, I though, well, here's another VET leaving. Then I read your story. It wasn't till nearly the end when I noticed the post date...  ...must be the blonde in me. Anyway, I am sitting here in tears over your story. While it may not be a great "bedtime story", it is very neat to see where you where vs. now. I am AMAZED at how well Flamingo handled everything. And how well you look up to her because of it. Thanks for bumping this up....even if I am not a WH...  not2fun
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Just a Bump.
I noticed that the link in Ace's Success stories thread didn't work. So, I made a new link!
LG
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LG I do not know if you went back to my thread on recovery but i just want to make sure you saw this just in case. You are disrespected by comments like that. I can be quite charming, because that is my nature. And moreso with attractive women. It might be your WH's as well. Look what happened. We both had affairs. The one thing difference now? I don't throw out quips that are sexually suggestive (Flirting) or demeaning to my spouse (The cashier MAY have ripped you off...) since Dday.
When he practices these things in front of you, you can imagine WHAT he is saying when Mrs SC isn't around. "It's his nature, and he'll never change?" He has no reason to. He just continues to do what he wants to do no matter the effect it has on Mrs SC.
One of the Harley rules in to "protect your spouse". Insinuating that your spouse may be ripping some off? That's not protection. Openly flirting with attractive women? That's not protection, if your spouse has a concern about that. Yes, be charming. But there can and should be limits. I can certainly be charming without belittling my spouse.
LG LG i wanted to thank you for posting this comment to me. I have always belived that my H was more "flirty" than "friendly" and also moreso with attractive women. With this comment you at least made me feel like i was not ACTUALLY crazy (user name you know  ) and that some men are this way. You say that you do not throw out quips that are sexually suggestive or demeaning to Flamingo, but are you still as "charming" (this is your word not mine ) as you were pre-A?
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I've read this before, LG, but I don't think I ever told you how touching it is. I am so glad to read about someone who recognized he was on the wrong path and repented - and did everything he could to become honest and transparent and to try to make up for the damage.
In my case, I feel that a lot of things "just happened" prior to my discovery of my wife's unhappiness that helped me realize what I had to do. I see the same thing in your story - how your wife found MB and you read the material... which provided just enough protection to see you both through the initial crisis of d-day... and how she said she "didn't care where you slept", that set the stage for how things turned out. Lots of "serendipity". Your heart was prepped in advance of d-day.
All the best!
Me: 41, INFP
Her: 46, ESFJ
Married 6/95
B-G Twins
4 yrs recovered from serious neglect on my part.
So happy together!
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This is a Bump for A719 Wayward Husband...
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Please check the following links:
Concerning Integrity of FWS
and even this:
MrsWondering Tries to Help out
If you need any refreshing. LG....can you repost these links from page 1, the orignial one's no longer work
Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
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LG? When I saw this thread....my heart went: OH NO!     (and if the old icons were still available, it would have added the fainter or double crossed-eyed) Until I read your last post and realized it's 'real' purpose! Huuuuu!  Don't suppose there is any way of modified the thread name this late in the game? If not, let my 'reaction' be a testament to how much your input is appreciated around here. ...and re-reading your post still gets me teary-eyed!
XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
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Luna:
I could probably change the thread title, but it's an appropriate title, since the "Curtains" are what put all the wheels in motion.
Also, I started this thread on Bugsmom's original thread, and carried it to this one, as I thought I should be able to access it easily as needed.
I hope you are doing well!
LG
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Thanks LG. I am sitting here in limbo AGAIN. Not knowing what my husband will do. I have spent the last year filling his needs and think I did a pretty good job. I wish he could get out of his fog. I wish he would see what he is losing. Thank you for your story of hope
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I have read this account several times and I do not understand it. It reads (to me) as enigmatic prose that obscures more than it reveals. Some time ago another posted said this: Ok LG first I have to say thank you for sharing. I am sure it wasn't easy for you to do. However I have to say dude you can not just let this end here. I would love to know how this started how did you met the OW. Who was she a FOTF? How long did you know her before you realize you were attracted to her? What was the thing that finally made it ok in your mind to begin the A? Did she have kids? I know she was M'ed how long were you and your W and the FOW M'ed to you betrayed spouses before they strayed? Also I heard here before that when you have a LTA like that, that one or both of the partner have more than one OP do you know if she had any were you tempted to? I am sorry for all of the question but inquiring minds want to know. Thank you LG. BTW answer the question you feel comfortable asking.BFN and you said that you might give more details or you might not. I cannot find a place where you ever did. You appear to have been blessed with a BW who, as you have written, did not want your old marriage back any more than you did, and despite ups and down, is happy in the new one. I have never seen your description of whether your affair caused her to question her whole marriage and doubt whether she ever knew you. I have seen a few threads on LTAs, and my H's lasted 3.5 years, and I have always seen the BS question whether they were ever really married while the WS had a long-term emotional life elsewhere. On 18 May 2009 on Looking4's thread, you told us of an argument you had when your wife brought up the affair again and you told her that if she was unhappy over the affair then she could leave right then. I wonder what your response to her trigger made her feel, and think. L4:
Did you notice THIS:
He "can't do this anymore"
And you "can't believe that this is happening"
He couldn't believe it that you could have your A. (Flamingo expected me to do it....)
He may, or may not be able to continue. So be it.
Two weekends ago, Flamingo had a major meltdown. We agreed to go away for a weekend, and after we made those plans, it was determined that the High School Prom was that weekend, and DS16 was going to take his DGF18 who is a senior to it.
This created great conflict in Flamingo. Her family committment need was blown up.
So, we drive up Friday night. We enter the event, and before any really gets thier coats off, the other participants are asking why she "didn't do this, or do that" Ouch.
The bedroom and the bed? No A/C, and covered in a plastic mattress cover. No sleep for Flamingo.
The next morning, Prom day, she climbs out of bed after exchanging some sharp words with me. She is reaching her limit....
Her cell phone rings, and its a call from DS Godmother who is watching him for the weekend, and her son is going to travel him about for the prom, something about a "change in plans" for the prom that night, but she thinks something else is up.
She takes a walk for a little while. Then she comes back to the house, picks me up, and we travel to go get some things for Breakfast. Try to call DS on his cellphone. No joy.
Its our job this weekend to cook breakfast for the 11 people, (including us) in the cabin. We have a nice drive. When we get back, someone else has already started cooking *some* breakfast. Prepares for her the worlds WORST eggs.
I made pancakes....
This entire time, her blood pressure is going through the roof....
At 10 am, we start to walk down to the meeting place, and see the other couples, and Slamingo doesn't want to go in.... So we turn around and walk back the other way.
Now we are at a big campground, and we walk up a hill, in a light rain, that looks out over the campground. She finally explodes.
"It's all my (LG's) fault, LG wanted to come here, and we are NOT at home for DS. You had an affair and destoyed everything. I'm not sure if I could ever continue in this horrible existence." Etc, etc. She just started to spew."
After some time of this, I finally said what somebody posted earlier NOT TO DO. I said that the door is NOT LOCKED on this M. Anytime you want to go, you don't have to stay trapped like this any longer. MY A gave you everything you needed to get out of this M, I love you, and I want you terribly, but if it is THAT BAD, then you can go and find the happiness that being with me so eludes you. I want you to be happy. My role is to NOT make you UNHAPPY, and if I am doing so, then I do not want that. Being HERE now, is making you unhappy, and staying HERE will only make it worse.
So, we should leave HERE now, and go home. Its where you want to be. Its where we should have been.
So, we went back to the cabin, packed our stuff, and left.
Even after 3 1/2 years. It can come back. The wounds are that deep. Even if they expected the wounds. Carry on. And don't panic.
Your less than a year into this. Your doing great. Stay with it. Your husband is within all the noted cycles of recovery timeframes.
LG The someone else who had told L4 not to tell her H "okay, if that's what you want" when he had a meltdown was me. When my H used to respond (we no longer talk about the affair) with lack of compassion towards my upset, after what he reasoned was long enough for me to have got over the affair, I reasoned that his response said much about who he was; a man lacking in compassion enough to do what he did in the first place; a man who was sorry only that my finding out caused me hurt, and not that he stooped so low in the first place - and my love for him diminished. His saying, effectively "okay, whatever" to my hurt sounded to me like "I did not do anything bad enough to warrant this length of trauma in you. This degree of hurt is about you, not about what I did, which is not that unreasonable. I can't fix your neurosis and I don't care enough to try." Have you any idea whether your wife feels like this? You offered your account again today in response to SDCWman's request for explanations, but this description explains nothing to me. There is the suggestion that the ENS that you were missing were met by the affair, and that you are happy now because your wife vigourously meets your ENs now. However, when she expresses her unhappiness, you tell her to shut up or end end the marriage, as described above. Why did you have an LTA and not leave? Are you a buyer in your marriage now, or is your staying conditional upon your wife's good recovery?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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