Hello,

I am a 45 yo woman living with a 48 yo man. I know it's not the same as being married - I've read Dr. Harley's books. I had pretty much decided to just move on with my life because he has been treating me with so little respect. I did this to myself because I was in so much pain from the way that he did not ever prioritize me in his life that I started drinking heavily.

When the pain and the consequences of drinking caught up with me I quit. Now I am looking at him again with sober eyes and like I said I had pretty much decided to just move on.

We are co-owners of a house in a bad economy, so I felt stuck. The last straw in our relationship is sort of stupid. He took out a loan and bought a second car with full knowledge that I did not want him to buy it. Now his budget will be stretched and he will not be able to contribute to any sort of night out or vacation spending. My company is telling us they are going to lay off a significant portion of the work force and if that happens - again - his purchase will mean we could not survive financially.

So here I was all steaming mad at him for that and he felt so sorry for himself that he starts up this flirtation with this 21 year old girl. She was an intern at his work this summer and came over our house for a party. I had a really weird feeling about her at the party because she wanted to stay over our house and not go home. Well he was looking at her like any 48 year old looks at 21 year old girls and I admit I didn't like that.

So apparently they were texting each other and who knows what else and agreed to meet for a weekend at their alumni homecoming. Now, a week later, he feels so bad that he finaly confesses the whole thing.

They didn't sleep together because he told her that there was no future in it. I don't know why, but she told her parents about him and they thought she should not continue with him????

Personally I would never tell my folks I was seeing a man 27 years older than I was if I was 21.

I just don't know how to feel.

He still loves me he was crying and carrying on. I guess this was a near miss, but honestly, the man drove me to drink. I hardly feel like I have the energy to work on this relationship - or that I even care for him.

He's pulled the pity card.

Thoughts?

Vee

I agree with your inclination to move on. I would not bother with this mainly because you have cemented renters traits that will be very hard to overcome.

I think the one positve thing that you can take from it all was that he came clean to you about the "potential affair." Most don't do that, they don't own anything unless they get caught and even then try to deny it.

I would say move on if you have tried everything to make your relationship better. I hope you have clarity to make the best decision possible for you.

I know you're looking for relationship help here and I can't offer any. I'm a newb, don't have a clue myself. However, one thought that sticks right out at me is that no-one drove you to drink. I seriously doubt he was down the bar buying you beers and pouring them down your throat with the aid of a funnel. As a recovering addict I can tell you that blaming others for your own addiction/problem/whateverlabelyouwant is a shortcut to going right back there. You need to own you drinking and stop trying to shift the blame. If you haven't already, get in a program. AA is good but there are others.

Setena is right, blaming others for your drinking is classic alcoholic behavior.

Actually the driving to drink statement was not about me not owning my drinking. It was more about how desperate and alone I felt so that I was so depressed I started drinking to escape the pain. It was a half-hearted attempt at humor.

I would never blame him for what I did.

He admitted to what he did because his health is poor and he was hurting himself with all the stress of trying to keep a secret.

I think in the end he was afraid of the financial burden of such a young woman without a career and the very real possibility that someone that young would most likely want children.

I couldn't fall asleep last night for hours wondering what they had done.

Vee