My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We grew up together, so we have known each other for 25 years. We were recently separated for a year and a half. He was dating another woman for the last year while we were separated. A couple of months ago he came to me and told me that he didn't think that we gave our marriage a good try. So we got back together this past August. Well I just found out that he was still seeing this other woman and told me that he was going on a business trip two weeks ago and has in a hotel with this other woman for three days. I just don't understand why he didn't stay with her instead of cheating on me with her. He has complained about the amount of affection that I give him. I have always felt that his need for affection is excessive and I think it stems from his childhood. I just don't know if I should have came back into this marriage. It seems like he is just going to keep using the excuse to get what he wants.

He says that he knows what he did was wrong but he feels justifed. He did what he needed to do to keep himself happy. I know that he has gone through a lot in his life but don't feel like adultery is ever an answer to your problems, it only makes problems worst. I feel like such a fool for even taking him back and still being here. It's hard for me because I moved from DC to Georgia with him nine months before we separated, so I don't have a support system here in Georgia. I am trying to do the right thing and stand during this trial but how do you do that when the other person really doesn't seem remorse. I am not saying that he is not but it just doesn't seem that way to me. It just seems like he thinks he has gotten away with it because I haven't left eventhough he tells me that isn't true. I don't have anyone that I can just pick up the phone and call because most of my family and friends dislike him because he moved me away and they are non-christains. He keeps taking about going to counseling but part of me feels like it is just words so I won't put him out because he has no where else to go.

I have been in constant prayer because the day I found out I wanted to seriously hurt him. But I have been praying everyday and it's like all the anger is gone and we have moved on but it hasn't been a week yet. I don't know if I am going through denial or if the Lord is trying to show me something. Even talking to the other woman today didn't bring up any anger. But I feel like because I am not angry or treating him badly, he feels like he got away with it and he can just keep doing it again because he knows I will forgive him. This inital period is so hard and I don't know if I can get through it without making emotional decisions. He continues to tell me that he is remorseful but he has to keep acting like everything is fine for kids and to keep his self sane. He says that he has been walking around on eggshells around me not to set me off. But I am taking it as he feels everything is back to normal. I just don't know how to get through this period. My church is backed up with counseling and can't see us now. We can't afford to pay for the counseling and I don't have anyone in my support system that is not telling me to leave. I am trying to stay strong but I find myself questioning his every move and I don't want to make wrong decisions. I feel so alone. I have posted on other christian forums and people were telling me to stop being a doormat and leave. But I just didn't believe that.

Why did you separate originally? He met the OW AFTER you separated? I'd be willing to bet that isn't the case. Has he agreed to no more contact with this woman? Has he sent her a no-contact letter? Read up on the articles on this site about that. There must be absolutely NO CONTACT for LIFE if your marriage is going to heal.

If you can't afford counseling, start by going to your library and getting some of Dr. Harley's books, "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs Her Needs".

Do you have children?

Hopefully some of the vets will be along to guide you further.

Oh and welcome to MB!

She was a member long before you, so maybe she should welcome you!

Niquern, looking at a few of your old posts, it seems like you two have a history of separation. You separated for two years ending in 04, in 05 you mention an EA, you recently separated again, and now this. You should call the Harley's for counseling a.s.a.p. Your wounds are deep, and rightfully so. You know, just because you go to counseling doesn't mean you have to stay with him. But I think you need to give it a shot.

That's a REALLY bad indicator in terms of moral character. But you know that, right?

What would it take for him to believe that he doesn't have the right to do whatever it takes to make himself happy? IMO, a LOT of therapy. Real therapy from a real psychologist, who went to university for 6 to 8 years to learn how to counsel. No offense against church therapists, but they took such classes as a SIDE course to their religion courses. Check with your insurance company to see what they'll cover.

As for here and now, read the material here - together - about Surviving an Affair. He has to become totally transparent. He has to write this woman a NO CONTACT letter that YOU send. He has to change how he lives his life so as to no longer do things that would make you distrust him, such as traveling without you.

Is he willing to take such drastic steps?

If not, then he's just back because you're convenient.

Hi niquern,

I saw by your registration date that you are not new to MB, so I looked up your posts. Your relationship with this H started in worrying circumstances, as did your eventual marriage. If I understand correctly, you dated him before your first marriage, then remained friends with him throughout that marriage, and even before you married him he had a relationship with another woman.

From November 2004:

February 2005:

I don't know that he is serious about the commitment of marriage. Do you have children together?

I think only he can give you the answer about why he went back to you when he intended to continue his affair. We can speculate; there might have been a financial reason for his return, for example. However, nobody other than he knows the reason why he did that. Have you asked him why he returned when he was still with OW, rather than asking why he had an affair? Have you asked why, If he needed to be with OW to keep himself happy, he moved back in with you?

Why did you separate so soon into your marriage? By the sound of it, this happened after only two years.

Please try to keep posting here, rather than disappear after two or three posts, as before.

threadjack to Sugarcane: where is that long post of your story you wrote about 10 months ago? I can't find it!

Mel, it was my first ever post, so easy to find.

I don't think I could bear to read it now.

I won't bump it then. I wanted to apologize for my insensitive and thoughtless comment about it being too long. I deeply regret it.

Mel, please join me on a new thread in a few minutes.

(I do mean a few minutes, not hours, which I usually need to compose my posts!)

Yes my husband and I have a three year old and my 15 year old. The OW is out of the picture now eventhough now she is continuing to contact me to complain about him. We were divorcing when he started the relationship with her. After going through this website and currently in counseling we realized that weren't meeting each others emotional needs and he got them met from her. As for the reason he came back, we have known each other for 25 years and he feels that I am the only one that can meet all of needs but I didn't and he got them met elsewhere. When we were separated and getting a divorce he felt like I gave him more love and attention than I did when we were together and that I had changed so he came back. We are trying to save our marriage, we are in counseling. We both have outside issues that we brought into our marriage as you can read from my other post. I accept my role in our current situation and that is why I am trying to survive this affair as the forum states. I don't agree or condone the affair but we all need to make ourselves transparent and change some things about ourselves. I wanted to know from other's how to survive these initial periods. This affair was a wake-up call for both of us. We have made the commitment to start again. We have both acknowledged our roles in the breakdown of our marriage. I just wanted advice on how other people made it through.

You make it through like you do all tough times.
1. Breathe. Long and deep. Slowly.
2. Eat (preferably not ice cream or potato chips)
3. Walk or punch a punching bag. Exercise is good for stress, anger and depression.
4. Think before you react. When we're suffering, we tend to react quickly and often strike out at others. I've seen many people here, and on the widows board I'm a member of use their own suffering as an excuse to be selfish, mean, thoughtless or even cruel. If you act out of caring and kindness, you will have the continued support of friends and family as well as increasing the chance of saving your marriage.
5. Talk. Talk to trusted people, and spread the wealth around if you have to, but don't talk to opposite sex friends unless they are ancient or relatives.
6. Remember that all emotions and situations in this world are temporary, and what does not kill you, will indeed make you stronger.

I'd like to add one more.
7. Pray. I don't pray for God to affect others, only myself. My two biggest prayers are "Thy will be done" along with its corollary "Thy will not mine." And, "Help me see Your Way." I still rant and rave occassionally that God's will isn't in sync with mine, but intellectually, I know He knows best.

iiwy, I would consider this 'Act Two.' The part of your life you live AFTER you have learned your lessons. The BETTER part, because you're now committed, educated, and ever-watchful for signs of trouble.

I also advocate looking for ways, after all these years, to put fun back in your life - that's what made you fall in love in the first place, and it'll give you something to look forward to. I'll give you my list that I keep ongoing for things to do to spice up your life. Pick something from it - together - and move forward:
Read a book together
Take turns picking out a movie to watch
Bring out the board games, at least once a week
Start a solitaire club with some neighbors or friends, play solitaire against each other one night a week or month
Start gardening together
Grow herbs/vegetables/fruits
Take walks
Start a sport together; take classes at a community college, such as racquetball or volleyball
Get bikes and start riding bikes together
Sign up for an MS 150 and train for the bike ride all year
Plan some day trips, start taking one every month
Try out one new restaurant every week, take turns choosing and surprising the other with it
Go to bookstore and get a book like �52 great invitations to sex� in which you both have 26 invitations for a special evening to invite the other one, and you set it up, give the other the invitation (included in book) and then put on the evening
Join an online gaming community together (but don�t get addicted!)
Buy a Wii or Guitar Hero and play together
Give each other foot rubs
Take massage class together and practice giving each other massages
Go back to school together
Get a pet, take it to obedience school and learn to train it (if applicable)
Join a neighborhood dinner club or other club
Volunteer together
Join a church or get more involved in your church
Take a cooking class together and take turns cooking for each other
Go to HGTV.com and pick out a project to do for your house together
Take free classes at Home Depot on how to fix something at your house
Start a business together
Organize a block party
Organize a family reunion
Start working with a financial planner or learn about stocks together
Take dancing lessons together; if you like it, start entering in competitions
Go online for your city and look up 'activities' and 'family' and maybe even 'free' if your city is big enough; subscribe to those websites and go there every month to look for upcoming activities you can all do together; you can find plays, music events, art things, sports things, picnics, etc.

iiwy, I would consider this 'Act Two.' The part of your life you live AFTER you have learned your lessons. The BETTER part, because you're now committed, educated, and ever-watchful for signs of trouble.

Thank you catperson, those are the kind of sugguestions I was looking for. I have learned my lesson in this situation and I don't plan to make them again. I want my marriage to survive this trial no matter whose at fault it is a lesson learned for both of us. But some times those negative thoughts just keep sneaking in and having me second guess myself. My WH is more confident that we can get through this then I am sometime. But I am just going to follow your suggestions and keep praying.

Honestly, you're just talking about an attitude. Optimist vs pessimist. Acceptance versus taking on a challenge. Choosing to wax nostalgic versus choosing to see any opportunity - good or bad - as something to overcome and grow from. JMHO