MarriedForever suggested that I post this to Melody. I'm in a bit of a fact finding mission on how one is an addict, the ultimate recovery of a marriage is different when the WS is working the steps.

A little background. When my H and I began to start over he began reading Surviving An Affair and bought into the principles. I can't say he is resistent, but certainly he not actively pursuing learning about MB principles. HOWEVER, in his own way he is working the principles.

For instance, we spend as much free time as possible together. He is completely transparent, got a new email, tells me what phones numbers I don't recognize on his phone, is accountable to his time, etc.

Unfortunately we haven't had SF, but so many people in AA tell me it's because he hasn't worked his 4th step. I can see so much progress in him, so much defogging, etc. He is DOING things for me, but they just aren't what I want.

So.... I'm kinda lost as to what I am doing.

Anything you suggest to direct me in questioning myself would be really helpful.

Queenie, do you know each others top 5 needs? Have you taken that questionaire?

Does your H understand that the goal of MB is create romantic love? Has he been sold on that aspect?

How does he explain the no sex thing? Is that your wish or his? Do you feel emotionally close enough for that step?

Queenie, I may be missing something but I don't see a connection between this and the steps of AA. To me, that confuses the issue. I may be missing something, though!

No, I am more guessing, but NO... we haven't taken the questionare. That's where he keeps avoiding it or we find other stuff to do.

I'm not sure he totally does understand that it creates romantic love. He is fixed on completing his 4th step and thinking that will solve the problem. It's his wish and yes, I actually do feel very close to him emotionally. We have had a couple of tough spots to work through and don't it with love and kindness and yet total honesty, which is hard.

One of the things we ran up against was both of us although we want to just start over, we ran into a place where we were both putting each other in the old box and that wasn't working for us at all.



Sold on what, creating romantic love or the MB princples?

No, I don't think you are confusing the issue. The truth is... I don't know what to do. He wants to work through his steps, but for ME he isn't working fast enough.

I'm on the other side, understanding the importance of both and not sure how to get him to buy into that.

Does that make sense?

BOTH. See, I think it is important to have a plan in place to create a new marriage. But he won't see the point in doing that if he doesn't understand it. My suggestion would be to get the book, Fall in Love, Stay in Love along with the workbook that has all the questionaires in it. It is a step by step program to create romantic love. It really does work if follow the basic steps. Five Steps to Romantic Love

If you can understand it yourself, you could sell him on the idea that don't want the old marriage back, but a marriage where you are passionately in love with each other.

One way to get him interested is to ask him to take the EN questionaire and learn how to meet his top needs. Once I learned how to do this with my H, he was motivated to meet my needs.

For example, one of his top needs is ADMIRATION and one of my top needs is domestic support [taking care of the yard, garage, house upkeep, paying bills, etc] So when he does any of things, I give him great admiration and praise. THAT movtivates him to meet that need for me, because it leads to his need getting met. You should see the man GLOW when I brag to others about how our yard is the nicest on the block!

It is stuff like this that enhances the passion in our marriage, along with eliminating lovebusters and using the dreaded POJA. All of those things made a huge difference.

Hi Queenie! (JT waving from the rather damp and blustery northern valley)

Call me!

PS: Hi Mel!

Hey JT!

I like this idea. I'm wondering if it's not best to just print out the questionaire instead of going through the book first? What do you think?

I agree, I'm kinda shooting from the hip trying to meet his EN's but not sure I am hitting the right ones. I just kept thinking it was better that he work his AA steps, but that isn't happening at the selfish pace I want him too.

I also realized that very few cars get to 60 in a second. He is so "scared" of SF with me for whatever reason that maybe if I take little steps of meeting the top ones then it will equated into romantic love and getting SF for ME.

Hi JT... I will give you a call later on if I can. I was out last night.

That is a good idea! And he may be confused about some of the EN's, so I would have something that explains them. Another excellent starter questionaire is the Lovebusters questionaire. I would get him to take that too.

Ok, so I just got him to say yes to taking the questionare. Which would you recommend first, LB or the EN's?

Thank you so much by the way. I know I can be extrememly frustrating but I really am trying to be a good student and learn how to work these principles.

Knock it off Queenie.....if you were frusterating Mel, she'd be the first to let you know.....

No need to tear yourself down for wanting to learn and impliment.....it serves you no good purpose......

Love going out to you.....

Not

for Queenie... I just LOVE this....

Nothin' but the BEST for my girl!!!!......

Carry on......

Not2fun

LOL Nothing but the best INDEED

Okay, I admit that I am only back in plan B (where you were in the past) BUT I learned a lot about SF in plan A.

You can be very involved in SF without actually doin' the text book deed.

You can lay naked in the bed. You can flash a bosom. You can make hot eyes towards him. You can take it up a notch at a time. Touch (not there til he is ready!) and fun, fun, fun.

HTH

and MB policy is to do the LB questionaire first.....

And while we are talking about this, did you try the suggestion I gave you??....

Queenie, will you please order that workbook i mentioned above? It is under $15 and it is well worth it. You can get the book FIL, SIL at the library.

What is the reason there has been no SF? You know, if you can just jump in with both feet and start practicing meeting each others needs it will become easier. SF will also make you feel more bonded.

Can you seduce him? How about a lap dance?

WHY Miss Mel, I am shocked....

I'm not sure if that's in the "Texan's Guide to Lady Behavior"....