No one here will stick with you if the game is more lying and deceit.


LC, yes people can judge right from wrong and come to the conclusion that lying and cheating is WRONG. You have been judged fairly here. Your problem has a distinct lack of judgment. Our prisons are full of people who cannot judge right from wrong and that is right where they belong.


We are telling you HOW to move forward and you don't seem to be listening. More lies and deceit are not the solution, LC. Defrauding your husband into staying married to you for your own selfish, sick gain is not the solution.

Folks here will help you do the right thing, but no one here is going to help you continue to lie and deceive your H. That is immoral and we would not be supporting you if we did that.

Let's see:

1. You have committed adultery.
2. By choosing to stay in contact with the OM, you are choosing to continue the adultery.
3. You have lied to, and decieved, your H.
4. You are choosing to continue lying to and deceiving your H.

What judgment and conclusions should we make about you, and what would these be based on?

Let me help - our conclusions will be based on YOUR CHOICES.

You can make different choices.

You can choose to end contact with the OM. Right here, right now. No excuses.

You can choose to be honest with your H.

You can choose to stop deceiving your H.


Yes, there is a chance that your M may survive. After all, it's not just YOUR decision - it should be your H's as well.

But at least you would have started to make the right choices, rather than continuing to make the wrong ones.

This is another lie. Yes, you can "handle" radical honesty now. You WON'T be honest. You CHOOSE dishonesty because you seeking to evade the consequences of your crime against your H and want to keep the door open for your affair.

If you tell your H the truth, that will close the door forever.

LC:

The same way you got into your affari, is how its going to blow up on you.

You wandered in, and now you want to wander out.

No, you haven't stepped on any landmines that you laid, but others will, and that's when it will go sky high for you.

Wouldn't you rather contain that fallout first, rather than being in the blast zone, unprotected?

Your husband is going to find out. Somehow, some way, without your control, despite all your damage control efforts. And when he does, then the worst thing that can happen is that he divorces you.

If you TOLD him, then the worst thing that can happen, is that he divorces you.

If you don't tell him, then your marriage will be lousy anyway, and he will divorce you later. If, because he isn't all that, you divorce him.

Really, your heading for divorce, so you might as well determine how and when its going to happen, so that your most comfortable with it. And if your life is wreck in the meantime, that was your choice.

However, picture this scenario.

You tell your husband. He is angry. But he appreciates that the TRUTH came from YOU, not from someone else. Someone else who knew LONG before him.

Beleive me, my BS was going to divirce me as soon as she found out I was having a A. She told me that for years before my affair. And told me many times during its 4.5 year existence. Even after she suspected the A about 1 year before actual dday, she still told me that she was gone.

Then Dday happened. (Please read its "Curtains for LG" thread for details.)

And she didin't leave. COming from a place of honesty for the FIRST TIME ever in my marraige made all the difference. Spending a weekend at the MB weekend, made all the difference.

So, schedule up the MB Weekend. Just book the Hotel, plane flight and reservations to the weekend. Take your Husband. Introduce him to the MB principles, as delivered by Dr. Harley himself.

THen tell him about your A. State that you needed to tell him, and you needed to fix many things in yourself before you could truly address it with him. And now, you feel that you can tell him EVERYTHING. Hold nothing back.

If he divorces you, well, you were going to get divorced anyway.

Does this delay disclosure for a period of time? Yes. But you shouldn't delay it any longer than that. There is much you can do about fixing yourself and "moving forward" as you claim between now and the next MB weekend.

Oh, and BTW, I told my OW many times that she should go home to her BS. She thought I was great when I told her that. That I cared about them. I cared about what was available between her thighs. Nothing else. Oh yeah, I could pretty it up for her. Or YOU, but that's all I wanted. Your setting yourself up for the same treatment if you don't bring your Husband into this loop.

If you have read this far, I commend you. But you have to act. The first day that you let OM in, was the day your decided to end your marriage. So act on that. Or do the things that have been recommended to work and will help you recover your marraige.

LG

And what you left out was, deep down she loves and adores her husband. DEEP, REAL DEEP DOWN, she loathes the day she sees him w/ another woman once they are DIVORCED!! THAT IS HER REAL FEAR! She is keeping him there in bondage while she dates around because she IS NOT ALL THAT and SHE can't stand to give up her husband. The rest of this crap is just fantasy that will blow up in her face! DUDE

LC:

One more thing this line:


When people are wronged, they SHOULD feel outraged.

We are outraged that you haven't told your husband the truth of his life. Whould you like to be in the reverse position?

Your HUSBAND having an Affair, telling you that your not good in bed, a lousy talker, can't keep the house clean, and don't make enough money for him? And BTW, those thunder thighs are disgusting!

Oh, and this goes on for 6 months, and then suddenly, he decides that your not really all those things that he was telling you.......

And next year you find out is was becasue he was banging the secretary? Oh yeah. That's cool. I thought there was something wrong with my husband, I understand, Were good now.

Please.

Your at post #4. If you get to 25 around here, your marraige has a shot. If not, your toast. You just don't know it yet.

LG

Go back and read what you wrote about your AP. Do you realize that you were saying the same things about your H from when the two of you were first together? That's how relationships are at first - new, shiny toys, and you're probably convinced that he is Mr. Right and that he's your soulmate, the one you've been searching for, your yin/yang, correct?
Now WAKE UP.
He is NO GENTLEMAN! He is an ADULTERER. He is also a COWARD and is SELFISH. No gentleman would enter into an affair with a married woman. He will eventually ruin you, and you will spend years looking back with regret over your short-sighted, selfish desires. Stop putting effort into this fantasy and instead put it into salvaging your marriage.

LC,

You typed that you intend to read more MB tonight. I hope that among your reading you include my thread, Hubby now cares. Should I tell of the A? which is over in "In Recovery". It was exactly one year ago today that I told my H about my affair, which had ended about 4 months earlier.

When I told him, I didn't even think I wanted to save our M and didn't believe that I loved him.

In those days after I confessed, my H was as angry and as hateful as I've ever seen anyone. He was also more real with me than he had been in years. (I could have written your opening post here as you'll see if you take a gander at my thread.)

We are still together today. It's not great and we have so much work to do if we're going to make it, but it's still better than it was when I was betraying him -- which is what you're doing every day that you don't confess.

Good luck to you.

LC, you have CHOSEN dishonesty in not telling your H about your A because it's easier for YOU. Time to stop with the memememe sh*t and start thinking about your husband.
LC, my FWH and I always agreed that the M was over if either one of us ever strayed. Guess what - he did. Eight months ago. We're still together, rebuilding. It's funny, how what you 'think' you'll do can be a lot different than what you 'really' do when the chips are down and you have to make a decision.
No one is attacking you. We're straight-talking you. Call it tough love. We want to see your M succeed. But it WON'T succeed if you try to build it on a foundation of lies, and that's what you're doing if you deceive your H about this part of the M that you BOTH own. Yes, this is part of your H's history, too - he deserves to know about it. You do NOT get to pick what you're going to be honest about and what is unnecessary to share.
Get tested for STD's anyway. I wouldn't believe one word of what comes out of your POSOM's mouth.

Many betrayed spouses do choose to end their marriages over adultery and that is their right. If a WS knows this is their desire they have an GREATER moral imperative to tell them the truth so they can leave the marriage.

To do otherwise is to knowingly CON someone into staying into a marriage against their will. That is selfishness and manipulation on an extreme level. To defraud someone into staying married to you for your own selfishness is cruel and dangerous.

Stick with us. We are trying to break down those walls, rationalizations, and justifications you have built around yourself. It is just as difficult from our perspective.


What conclusions are we jumping to? It's pretty black and white. You have been cheating on your husband. There is no conclusion to come to other than it is wrong. Other people would treat you this way in an effort to get you to end your affair and salvage your marriage. We are just trying to help, as would anyone else. You just don't want to deal with others help because it makes you feel bad. This is something you are going to have to get over.


Honestly, that's like an OM pickup line. He just wants you to be happy. No, he thinks telling you that will get you to leave your husband for him. I seriously doubt that what he is telling you about his marriage is true. Most people that have gone through infidelity wouldn't cheat with someone else because they know how painful it is.

Also, I PROMISE you your marriage will not get better as long as your husband doesn't know and you are still in contact with OM. Here is what will happen. Your marriage will continue to be bad because you aren't honest with your husband and OM is still on the side, so you will eventually use that as justification for leaving your husband later down the line, the old, "I tried to make it work" defense of your actions. If you are serious about saving your marriage, tell your husband and cut of all contact (professional AND non-professional). Otherwise, just give up now because your marriage won't get any better.

And let me tell you something about OM. Any person that would try to steal another man's wife away is the lowest form of human being possible. He is preying on an emotionally vulnerable woman to satisfy his own selfish needs. Think of this, when the newness of the relationship eventually wears off, do you think he'd be faithful to you, or would he just move on to the next woman. You are "in love" w/ OM because you are meeting each other's emotional needs. You stop meeting those, and you will fall out of love, just like you did w/ your BH. The "soulmates" crap is just something Hollywood conjured up. Don't think you are letting your "soulmate" get away. You can fall in love with anyone as long as they can satisfy your emotional needs. True love is sticking by your spouse when things aren't going great and mustering up the strength to make things better again.

Tell your husband. He deserves to know. He also needs to keep an eye out on you to prevent this affair from sparking again. Forget what he said earlier. Most BHs would say the same thing, but when you are put in that situation yourself, everything is different. The longer you put this off, the more damage it will do to your marriage.

LC,

While you're reading, be sure you check out L4's thread like she suggested. Keep in mind that 5 months of her struggle were recently lost along with all of the advice she received during that time because of the problems we recently had with the forums.

But while you're reading also check out this link. Dorry's Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives.

Additional reading:

How to survive infidelity

Truth about deception


From Psychology Today: Myths About Infidelity...

And this from About.com:

Do you remember learning the method of making decisions using a sheet of paper? You write all of the things for a choice (Pros) on one side of the ledger and all of the things against it (Cons) on the other. The problem with this is when an affair begins this is exactly what most newly wayward spouses do. The problem is that they don't list the reasons for and against cheating and weight them against each other fairly. What they do instead is to list all the things they like about the affair partner on one side and all the things they don't like about their spouse on the other.

This means they are comparing the "pros" of a fantasy with the "cons" of a real live person. The affair is only a fantasy because you have none of the overhead of a marriage. There is no dirty laundry to do or dishes that are piled to the ceiling. There are no sick children in the middle of the night or bills that need paying. There is no yard work that didn't get done because of the rain or siding that needed painting 2 years ago and never seems to get done. All affair partners have to do is stroke each others egos, tell each other what they want to hear and make each other feel good. There is nothing at stake, nothing to lose, nothing to have to live with. It's all just a perfect life, since there is no real life together and only the time together, time stolen from your spouses and families.

Thanks for reading.

Mark

The Vet's have given you great advice, please listen to it.


The only thing I have to add is that when you read advice or a statement in our feedback/answers, think about how it makes you feel. If you feel angry or defensive about the advice/statement, look at that reaction. Why are you having *that* specific reaction??

The reason I usually found was that the advice/statement was hitting too close to home and making me uncomfortable, which means it was something I NEEDED to hear!

I was feeling angry/defensive about something that I NEEDED to look at closer.

lurioosi2:

I would like to hear more of your story. I don't know how to get the moderator to send me your email.

Melody Lane
You do not know what I can or cannot handle emotionally.

Thank you Mark. Quite the assignment!

LC, I do know excuses and weak rationalizations when I see them. Saying that you "CANNOT" emotionally handle being honest is DISHONEST BULLCRAP. The truth is you WON'T be honest.

LC, no one here can help you unless and until you get honest. No one is going to "support" you in the continued deceit of your H.

p.s. LC, is the OM also married? Does he have children?

Thank you everyone for taking the time to write, I really appreciate it. Right now, I'm really trying to soak it all in. I just reread the posts. Here are a few comments I have.

Lurioosiz, Looking4, and Writer1 thank you for sharing some of your story and what you've gone through. I'm sure I can really learn from your stories.

Writer1 - You have made some very good points. Thank you.

ML - I'm not asking for support in deceit. I'm being honest with you guys.

rprynne & Zelmo - I am more willing to listen than you may think

GloveOil - When I make a decision I stick with it. It takes me awhile to make the decision, but when I do I'm extremely stubborn.

black raven - I believe forgiveness is essential in life. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or even accepting, and it doesn't mean you won't continue to feel pain. It means releasing anger from within and giving it to your higher power. It means not hating that person anymore. Forgiveness doesn't mean you ever have to see that person again, it just means you release the injunction and the resentment.

Dude007 - thanks for your vote of confidence

Shaken - I do not blame my husband for my actions in any way shape or form. I was setting up precedence for my story, for how I was and am feeling.

Jim, MIM, and SuzieQ - thank you

You are asking us to support you in deceiving your husband, and that won't happen here. There is nothing we can do to help you if you persist in decieving and defrauding your husband, LC. There will be no personal recovery, no marital recovery.

The first step must be honesty.

And I will ask again. Is your OM married? Does he have children?