On 2 Oct I got off work a little early (0400) and I went home. As I crawled into bed and pulled the covers back my husband's phone fell on my leg. Being as though my previous marriage of 8 years had ended due to an affair, I am not above the occasional phone check. When I checked his texts I realized that just that night he had cheated on me. I was crushed. I woke him up and sent him on his way to his parent�s house (same town). Over the next few hours we talked a couple of times and according to him (I can't remember much during that time) I told him that there was nothing he could do. So he went out that very day and rented a moving truck and an apartment. Later that day when he told me this I informed him that if he puts one article of his stuff in that apartment, that we were through and so he didn't move in. He said he would go the next day to get out of the lease. That afternoon I called his mother to inform her of what had happened and why he was staying at their house. Since his parents were out of town I wanted them to be aware of the situation and know my side of the story being as though I had never met them even though we had dated a year and been married a year.
That night, out of a need for more information I went to him and questioned him only to find out that not only had he been cheating on me, but also that he had never told his parents, siblings, friends or anybody that he was married. I have never been so hurt, shocked, and close to hitting another person since I became an adult. While I was there I also contacted the OW to let her know that he was married since she was not aware. The OW is his ex-fianc�. She was very apologetic and hurt herself and said that she would not contact him anymore. That night I told him that if he wanted to work on our marriage it was up to him to schedule the marital counseling. I also told him that if there were anymore lies to clear up that it had better happen before we went to our first session.

Hours before our first session he admitted to me that he was a sex addict and had been since about middle school. He told me he masturbates 3-5 a day, not out of pleasure, but out of a need. Our first session was together, the next was just him and the next just me. This week we will be going together again.

After two weeks of staying at his parents I let him come home, but to the guest bedroom. I am having a hard time dealing with all the deceit. Some days I feel better and then others are not so good when I figure out another lie that he told me in the past. I have now met his parents and they seem very nice. I am trying to work through this, but I find it very difficult. I keep looking to the future and wondering if we can pull through. I am in the military and work 12 hour night shifts and will be deploying next June which is how he had the opportunity before. I wonder if it is worth all the heartache. He has been very willing to talk and seems very remorseful. I can't help but to think that our marriage could be good since all the lies would no longer be in the picture. I am so confused. I am 30 and he is 29 and this is his first marriage, we have no children. Sometimes I think it would be easy and better to just walk away and other times I want to make it work. I am so confused.
And just for a little icing on the cake, he works for his father and his father recently hired a new female assistant. He told me that if it makes me feel better, she is married and has kids. I reminded him that he was married too and still cheated, so no that didn't make it any better. Just one more thing for me to blow out of proportion in my head.

Sorry for the long rant. Any advice would be appreciated.

Welcome,

Plan A is all about exposure. You did that very well. He now has to write a No Contact letter which you have to vet before he sends it. Post here before you vet it.

Meet his EN's. Establish boundaries. Continue to snoop. Sexual offenders have a continuing problem, keep tabs and contact a professional.

Meanwhile read the articles on this site. Forearmed is forewarned!

looking4,

Welcome to MB. I'm so sorry you have had this experience.

The title of your thread is spot on. This is so much more than an affair.

Why not, looking4?

How did you come to marry a man about whose life you knew nothing at all? Were you far from your home countries at the time? Did you get married very quickly? Did you ask him why he wasn't introducing you to his family? Even when people have a whirlwind marriage abroad (or some other non-traditional wedding), surely they usually make a public announcement and meet each other's families? They get belated cards and gifts. They receive some acknowledgement that they are married, even if that acknowledgement involves some family being upset.

DId you try to meet his family after marriage? What reasons did he give for your not meeting them at any point in the year after marriage? Did he seem to be keeping you away from them? Were you suspicious about not meeting anybody from his life?

There must have been a reason why he did that, that you have not yet found out. I think that there is more to your problem than ending the affair and using MB principles from here on. I think you need to know why this man kept you and his marriage secret from everybody that knew him. The reason might be sinister. That is not normal behaviour, looking4, and I think you should be worried about him.

Your H has constructed at least two separate lives. You have been a secret from everybody in one life, and the other life has been a secret from you. How do you really know that he has not been married before - or does not have another secret "marriage" elsewhere?

He was probably still with his ex when he married you. You need to establish their history of breaking up and getting back together. If he married you while he was still involved with her, there is a question mark over his whole concept of marriage.

If you were married before for 8 years, you must have been very young then. Do you have children from that marriage?

looking4,

I suggest that before you do any marriage-building work, including a non-contact letter, you find out a lot more about your husband and ask yourself whether it is wise to stay with a man who conducted his marriage to you with such secrecy. This is not normal behaviour even for someone having an affair, where lies and secrecy are par for the course. You need to know much more about his personality and make-up before deciding to stay married, and perhaps having children one day.

His parents might be able to tell you more about his character, even if they know little about his private life. Did they know he was engaged before? Do you think you could talk to them about him? They must be puzzled also about why he kept you secret from them. Try seeking their help.

When we got married we had been dating for a year. It was a little rushed because I was due to deploy and we wanted to do it before I left. At this point I thought I knew him pretty well. He is a pretty shy guy who was thoughtful and kind. He was always eager to help me and didn�t mind the fact that I had my father, two cats and a dog living with me. He seemed to understand what I was dealing with from my previous marriage because he said that his two previous engagements had ended with infidelity on their part. We had good times together and seemed to have a lot to offer each other. I loved him, although it was not the head over heels �in love� that I had with my first husband, but I thought that it would develop as we went along and I healed more.
We got married in a civil ceremony witnessed by my dad. He said that his parents were unable to attend because his father had to attend a lecture out of state and couldn�t get out of it. That was just the beginning of the excuses he gave me for not meeting his parents. There was always a reason like they were out of town (they own a camp a couple of hours north of where we live), they were with a sick relative, due to my schedule (I work 12hr nights, a second job and school), or something along these lines. Most of his friends live out of state and I have met only one college friend and one old work friend, but that is it. From time to time I would bring up the subject and ask him why. I would ask him if it was because there was something wrong with me like was I too ugly, fat, stupid, or was he just not proud of me and he would always say no, that was not the reason why. He would say that he just had not thought about it and would arrange something. Since we had already been together this long and I hadn�t met anyone, I began to not want to meet them because I felt it would be terribly awkward. My family and friends would occasionally ask if I had met his parents yet and a couple of them would tell me that he never told anyone and I would always say that of course he had told them. I couldn�t fathom that he hadn�t. It kind of became the running joke. At one point in the year I told him that I was not feeling as close to him do to this situation and his lack of domestic help and if things didn�t start improving, I was considering divorce. By this time, due to feeling less close to him, I had started to withdraw and we were not intimate as often. I knew something was wrong, but I was shocked by the extent of the problems once I found everything out.
Since finding out about the affair I have learned so much more than I ever knew about him. I don�t believe he did what he did to be malicious or keep me secret. I find it all very hard to comprehend because I can�t see it from his point of view. I know now that he has problems that he needs to work out with professional help and I told him that whether or not we stay together I want to make sure he gets the help he needs in order to improve his life.
Okay, I will start from beginning. Before we met he was dating this girl, M. His father has an accounting business and M was majoring in accounting and his father needed help, so he hired M. Later on WH started to work there as well. He broke up with M by telling her he needed space, when actually, he just didn�t want to be with her anymore and thought it would be easier if he told her that. A few months later we met online and started dating. At that point he didn�t want to tell his parents because he didn�t want M to find out and be upset and quit. He was afraid that by her quitting it would anger his father because it would affect his business. I don�t understand why exactly, but WH has a great deal of anxiety when it comes to his father. He is very worried about upsetting him in any way possible. I don�t quite understand why because he had a pretty good and normal childhood. As far as I know, his parents never abused him or his siblings (he is the youngest of 4 kids, the older two being over ten years older than him). He thinks it stems from the fact that since he was the youngest and couldn�t be left at home alone, his parents brought him along when they were pulling his older siblings out of college due to failing and was around as they got into trouble. He said as a child he would try to lie in order to not get in trouble and face his parent�s disappointment. And now as an adult he still has problems when it comes to his father. As time went on and we got more serious, he continued not to tell them because M still worked there. So we married and he never told them. All along I knew that M worked there, but I was not aware that she was an ex-girlfriend. One day, shortly after we were married, M saw us at a restaurant and flipped out. At this point I thought she was his ex-fianc� that was bipolar. I had wanted to go off on her, but since I am military I feel I must always remain composed when in a public setting because even though I am not in uniform I still represent the military and cannot afford a public outburst. There have been quite a few times that I have held back in my life because of this simple fact. She then quit working with him. At this point I still didn�t know the two were the same. He had told me that M had received her degree and had moved on to a better job. Since he had lied this long he felt trapped and didn�t know how to end it, so he just kept it going.
While we were dating and the first six months of our marriage we were intimate pretty often and he told me that was how he was able to keep his sexual addiction at bay, along with regular masturbation. But as I began to withdraw from him, it started to become more of a problem for him. Soon after our first anniversary he began to contact his ex-fianc�, S. They started to call, text and email each other. After about a month of talking he brought up the subject of sex and she was willing. With my schedule he had ample opportunity to meet her. He told me that he met her once at her house to talk and twice after that at his parent�s house (they were not home, he told S that he wanted to be away from his roommates at his apartment) to have sex. He told me that he has no emotional attachment to her and was only after sex. I caught him after the second night they had sex.
I also learned that in his two previous engagements neither of the girls cheated on him. It was all a lie to make him seem better I guess. The first girl simply left and never came back and the second girl, S, he cheated on her (with M of all people). He said he did it out of anger after they had an argument (which they had a lot because she was bipolar and would often go off her meds). She had told him that she could cheat on him anytime and that he would never know, so out of anger he went and cheated on her and during another argument he told her that he had cheated and they broke up.
He has not tried to lie to me or hold anything back since this happened (to the best of my knowledge). And I often check his phone for calls, texts, emails, or anything that would help (in front of him or while he is asleep). He is very sorry for all the pain that he has caused. He knows that he needs help and is very willing to go to marital counseling and individual counseling. He said that he is sorry for everything that he has done, but is very relieved that everything is out in the open now. I know that this has been a large burden for him to carry as it was for me too. It was affecting every part of his life including his health. Every question I ask, he answers. H has even begun reading �Surviving an Affair.� He has told all of his siblings about me and the affair. He understands when one day I am fine and the next I am upset. Although he admits that he is worried that I will not be able to let go and forgive. He knows that we have a long road ahead. A few days after discovering his affair I went to his parent�s house while he was at work and introduced myself to his mother. Last Sunday we went to his parent�s house and I met his father and their Monsignor who is a close family friend. Although his parents have been married 42 years and have had a good marriage, I don�t think he really learned a lot about what it takes to make a marriage work or what all is involved. We haven�t discussed a NC letter. I have texted and emailed with OW and she never knew that he was married and said she would not try to contact him. He also texted her saying that he would no longer contact her (although I never saw this text). He understands that if she does email, text or call him he is to not reply and tell me right away and he agreed.
At times I question my motives for working this out instead of just leaving. I was always one of those �one time and that is it� type of people and was crushed when my first marriage ended and I don�t want a second failed marriage. I know I still carry a lot of baggage from my first marriage and have been seeing a counselor to try to let it go. It has been very difficult to get over my first husband because our marriage was really great. The problem came when we were separated for too long due to him being in medical school and the lack of physical connection. It is no excuse. He was unwilling to leave school and come home and me being military I couldn�t go there, so it was over. He has since remarried and is very unhappy. His sister and I are best friends so I always hear what is going on with him. I also fear turning into my mother who is on her sixth marriage. I fear because I am 30 and I am afraid that I will never have children. But at times I think I should just leave because maybe later I could find someone I could be happier with. WH is shy and a little too passive and I am a little more aggressive and it annoys me sometimes. I am not a party girl by any means, but I like to occasionally go dancing, clubbing and drink a little. I like loud music. Crowds don�t bother me. But WH doesn�t like crowds, loud music or dancing. I know that this will sound petty, but I like to have my guy sing along with me to the radio as we are driving and he doesn�t do that. He is very supportive of me being a triathlete, but I would like him to be more active himself. I know that we have both gained weight since we have been married, which is also part of the reason I withdrew from him and I don�t find myself as attracted to him. As much as I hate to admit it I also think about the financial security he would be able to provide me and our (future) children later on. He is working on his accounting degree and would take over his father�s business when he retires. I have a good job now and will retire at 38 and will be able to start a second career at that point. I will be fine financially without him. He used to be more thoughtful, but as we became unhappy some of that has gone by the wayside. I just think sometimes that if we can get past this and start over again without all the lies we could have a good life together. And as he learns to love himself he will open up more.

Is your husband seeing a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist)? If he is an addict and seeing a therapist, that's the best route for him. Normal family counselors do not know how to deal with sex addiction.

You may want to consider learning about sex addiction and figuring out what your boundaries are, with regards to slips and relapses. Patrick Carnes is the author on sex addiction. You may find a 12-step group, such as COSA for yourself. The book "Boundaries" by cloud and Townsend is a good one.

Sex addiction is not about sex. Sex addicts use sex to get high. They avoid intimacy-any sort of intimacy-at all costs. Sex addiction is not about you. It's not about what you look like, how much you weigh, or how much you are available for your husband.

It also takes couples 3-5 years to heal from sex addiction. I've found, that since my husband's addiction hadn't progressed to physical cheating and since we've not been married for terribly long, we are closer to the 3 year end then the 5 year.

From what he has explained to me it is not about getting high. And he has never avoided intimacy between us and never turned me down to go to the internet. He says he derives no pleasure when he maturbates. It is more like a release. For him it is more of a coping mechanism for his anxiety. He said that when he gets stressed is when he has to do it.

The marital counselor we are seeing seems experienced in this area, so hopefully he will be able to help. He is also going to start attending some SA meetings.

Thank you for your advice. I will look up that book.

I'm not talking about sexual intimacy.

I'm talking about non-sexual intimacy. Being in relationships. Expressing feelings, thoughts, concerns. Sharing basic facts with someone else-like telling your folks that you are married, that sort of thing. My husband never told his parents that we started dating until at least a year after the fact. My husband and I were rarely emotionally intimate before I discovered his addiction. And, frankly, our sexual intimacy wasn't very intimate. It was simply physical.

Ah, I see. He was so-so on the emotional intimacy level. I guess I just always attributed it to him being shy.

I am sorry you are here and going thru this.

It seems he has much more issues than just sex addiction.

He got to have more issues to get married and never introduce you to his family, specially living in the same town and working with his father. this is really weird.

Even though Marriage Builders is a Marriage building site, Dr. Harley is the one who advices NOT to try to recover a M after infidelity if at the beggining and without children.

You have 2 years of a relationship with lies in all areas. An Affair, PA, after sis months into Marriage, probably EA during all your relationship.

You are still very young. You might be better looking for someone who respects you to have children with. You deserve that you know?
Don't settle because of age, finances or whatever.

Being "shy" and all this lies... and fear of telling parents? something doesnt add up in his personality. So he doesnt want to disapoint his parents and gets Married in secret?

What do you really have here? You never felt really in love, you have not much of S intimacy, and emotional relationship? with all the lies it's really hard to imagine any.

wish you the best.

Tonight WH went to a sexual addicts meeting. He said he wasn't too crazy about it because it was very religious based. He wants to try another meeting not held in a church to see if that is better.

Tomorrow will be our second MC together. A little anxious to see what the counselor has to say after meeting with us both individually.

I got pretty upset today because while asking random questions to solidify in my head his past, I learned that WH's parents had once asked him if he was married because they had been told he was by his ex-girlfriend and he denied it. Very hurtful.

I thought my husband was "shy" and "reserved." Until he started actually recovering. My husband talks. Alot. He shares much more now.

One thing that really helped me was reading the book "The 7 Levels of Intimacy" by Matthew Kelly. Since I was in a marriage that little emotional intimacy and had never seen a good marriage, I found it to be very helpful. And it makes sense to me, in conjunction with the information on this site.

Well this weekend I visited WH's parents and I met his sister and her H and multiple aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Everybody was very nice. Most everybody thinks we just got married. Only his parents and siblings know that we have been married a little over a year. It was nice, but at the same time I felt out of place. I think mainly because nobody said anything about the whole situation. I guess they were trying to be polite and not be rude, but I would have felt better if someone would actually acknowledge that the situation was weird. Maybe that is just me. I know my family would definitly say something, but maybe we are just nosy busy bodies.

We continue to go to MC and WH is working on his sex addiction. I continue to bounce between numbness and anger/mind racing. MC said we need to work on having empathy for each other. Right now I don't know if I can. It sounds hateful, but at this moment I don't care how WH feels. He deserves to feel like crap. It has been a month since DDay and I feel like it was yesterday.