Well, here goes nothing. I have tried a couple of other forums but have yet to find anyone with a similar situation that can give me some insight; hopefully this forum can answer some questions.

Hubby and I have been best friends for half of our lives and most of that in a marriage. Early this year he signs up for a personal page on an online social networking site to find some old high school buddies. Meets someone he has never met before; they start talking. He starts having feelings for her. They met once and fell head over heals in love with each other. She was in town for a conference and they met for lunch; they kissed. I HAD NO CLUE THIS WAS GOING ON!! About 2 months after their meeting they start making wedding plans; she purchased her wedding dress and has made most of the arrangements. Mind you, I have yet to find out anything. I was out of town in July for a funeral; come back to "I want a divorce; I found a job in another state and I am moving there in 2 months". At this time I had no clue there was another woman. It didn't hit me until about 2 days later and I confronted him with questions. He finally came out with it and told me that there was someone else and the real reason for the divorce.

She is in her mid-thirties, raised in a very strict religious household, is no longer a member of the church she was brought up in, is still a virgin and until my hubby moved out there, had lived at home with mom. This is the first real relationship she has been in.

He moved out there 2 months ago to start his "new life". He told me before he left that "he loves me and will always love me, to never forget that". What am I supposed to think? How can he say these things to me when he is going to another state to be with another woman that he has fallen in love with?

I know what most, if not all, of you are going to say: dump him, get on with your life, you will find someone better, someone that will treat you right. At this point all I want is my husband back.

He has yet to file the divorce paperwork. He has let her believe that it has been filed and just waiting for the final decree to be signed (at least that is what he is telling me). I can't imagine my life without him in it. Just thinking of a possible relationship with another man sickens me!!

I just want some insight. Will this new relationship of his work? Is there a chance that if it doesn't, that he will come back to me?

Thank you.

First thing: decide if you want to save your M, or not.

Second thing: If you do want to save your M, expose to her family, his family, your family. I'd tell her family: Your daughter/sister/whatever is emotionally/physically involved with my husband. She is breaking up our family, and I will do whatever it takes to save my family. God doesn't believe in divorce, will you help end their adultry? Or something similar...

Exposure to his family/your family: X is having an affair, I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage, can/will you help? Will you talk with him, help him to end his affair?

Any and all pressure that can/will influence the OW and your WH to end their affair is GOOD!

What do the vets think about informing OW that OP's WH is lying to OW about his actions?

Sometimes the vet's aren't around this late, hang in there, they will be around tomorrow a.m., for sure.

Hang in there, you are where you NEED to be!

Why is she no longer a member of the church she was brought up in?

OP's= Original Poster's

There was an issue about a close family member. This member molested her as a young child, the church did nothing but recommend counseling and prayer. So (from what I gather) she was disgusted with this and left the church. As far as I know she doesn't attend any church now.

She is an x-LDS.

I sort of guessed LDS. Don't honestly know why.

He's saying the crazy things he's saying, because he's in a fog; he's addicted to the affair. Please read the articles on this site, and they should help you with some insight to what he may be feeling.

Please stay here, read. The Vet's should be by tomorrow, if not later tonight. Look for postings from Melodylane, Mr Wondering, Mrs Wondering, among others.

They've given me incredible insight through my own journey.

This journey stinks, but good CAN come of it... eventually.


How long M'd? Kids? How old are you both?

I have thought of exposing him to her family for what he really is. Then again, is what he is telling me the truth? There have been several times that he has said one thing and then completely contradicted himself later. I also feel that if I do expose him to her family that it will drive him further away.

She has a large family and they have already been to many family functions together. From what he tells me, what everyone knows is that he is getting divorced; they are all under the impression that the paperwork started a long time ago when it hasn't even begun.

In the state he lives in now you have to establish residency. From what I have been told by a couple of attorneys in that state and the court clerks, they take it very seriously. I asked him what date did he sign the lease on the apartment he wanted to know why. I told him that it would give me an idea about when he will be filing for the divorce. He didn't know what to think of that.

I told him that I finally have a bed to sleep in since I have been sleeping on the couch. He wanted to know what happened to my bed. I told him that I sold it shortly after he left because it was "our" bed and I couldn't bear to be in it alone. I reminded him that I told him it would be the first thing to go and he remembered but didn't know what to say about it.

They plan on coming here next summer to get the rest of his things and his car. At that point they will more than likely be married. I asked that he not bring her here yet. It will be too soon after the divorce and I don't think that I could bear to see him with another woman. I know that my daughter will not be able to. My daughter is from my first marriage but she considered my second husband to be dad since my first was absent for the first 5-6 yrs after our divorce. So my second stepped up and wanted to be dad.

Hiil-

Please, know that you've been heard. I know you're in pain. I know it's incredibly debilitating. Please hang in there.

I do not feel equipped to help you further, but there are people on this website who can.

Please wait for them. They can advise you further than I can.

You are not alone. Your pain has been felt by others, and they have survived/thrived!

Have you eaten, have you had some tea? What have you done to help yourself through this tremendous betrayal?

Both of my children are from my first marriage. They are 20 & 16. They have always considered my STBX to be dad since their father was absent for the first 5-6 yrs after our divorce.

We have been best friends for 20 yrs, as husband and wife for 12 yrs.

He is 42, OW is 36 and I am 41.

I think that part of this is because of what happened about 3 yrs ago. He had gastric by-pass surgery, lost a lot of weight in a short period of time. I have been told that this can really mess up your hormones, both in men as in women.

Maybe I am old fashioned; I don't know. I don't understand how a relationship that was built on communicating online and on the phone can be a real relationship? Because her cell phone minutes and ours were going thru the roof (we are on different networks) she added him to her plan and sent him a phone. That way they could talk whenever they wanted to. At times they spoke anywher from 6x a day to over 20x a day.

I just don't get it!!

The "relationship" (and I use that term loosely) that is built via telephone is fake, it's not real, it's what they make it to be. It doesn't involve mortgages, and jobs, and stress; it's built on fantasy.

It's not REAL!

But, to the people who're entrenched in it, it 'feels'real, until reality is introduced.

That's where exposure comes in.


Please read this site tonight. Read up on Plan A and Plan B. Read about "The Carrot and The Stick of Plan A" from Pepperband (a poster).

Think about your H's emotional needs and commit to meeting them for a period of time.

Think about the state of your marriage before the A. What can/could you do different? I'm not saying the A was/is your fault, an A is NEVER the fault of the BS, but, the BS is responsible for a portion of the state of the marriage from before the A. Is there somthing you can do different?

Oh, and BTW, an affair does not happen because of a hormone inbalance.

It happens because of selfishness, lack of marital and personal boundaries, and a sense of entitlement.

And, the responsibility of it is ALL on the WS.

As far as eating, I have just started eating again. I have a heard time eating anything when I am stressed out; my body rejects it in one way or another.

But I have started eating again, slowly. I recently found out that I may have gall bladder issues. I think it's because I didn't eat for at least 2 months (but did drink Ensure when I could stomach it) and now starting to eat again. I work out at least 4x a week so that I will be tired and sleep. Sleep has been an issue as well. I have recently gotten up to about 4-5 hrs of sleep a night with the help of meds. No, I am not addicted to the meds; I don't have an addictive personality. I only take them when it's impossible to sleep or if I know it's going to be a really bad night.

With the help of two friends I am trying to move on. They want to give me a complete and total makeover!! I am taking it slow though. I have lost 70 lbs, down 3 pant sizes. I still have a long way to go, another 100 - 120 lbs to go and I will be at/near my ideal weight.

Another thing: yogurt has been a great friend!! It's been one of the few things I can actually keep down!!

I have thought about it and yes, there were things that I could have done differently. There was a lot of stress in our household for the last 3-4 yrs. My son, who is now 20, put us thru a lot. He wouldn't find a job, try his best in college, help around the house, etc. Wouldn't do anything to help himself and that created a lot of hardship and heartache. I know that it's not the kids's fault this happened but it didn't help either.

I could have paid more attention to him. He said that we had become "kissing roommates" and that our relationship was not the same as in the beginning. Is any relationship the same as in the beginning? Everyday stresses would come into play and I don't think he could handle that. He says that I gave up on our relationship, that I didn't try. I would wait up late at night for him to come to bed or try to have "date night" with him. He didn't want it. I tried to get him to go to marriage counseling with me but he wouldn't do it. His response was "we know what we need to do, we don't have to pay someone to tell us what we already know". He had anxiety attacks all the time so I was scared to talk to him much about real things that were going on not knowing what would set him off. But did he try?

Hiil- I've got a kiddo to see too, so I'm going to sign off for tonight.

Please, please come back tomorrow morning, there will be people here to help you.

This is NOT a "relationship"

It's a fantasy.

Expose this affair to EVERYONE - your family, friends EVERYONE. OW's family as well.

You need to expose to OW's family.

Your WH will be angry and upset... and tell you terrible things such as "Now we have no chance to ever recover" Now you ruined any chances""Now I can't trust you", etc.

The truth will kill the fantasy. That's why he will be upset. And of course, the fact that he will no longer be the "nice" poor guy comming from a divorce. He will be upset her family will know him a a liar. Too bad he lied.

hang in there. Be strong. It will get better.

This is called "cake eating." To be blunt but quite literal, what he really meant was "I am going to go have sex with another woman. I want you to continue to be available to me. Please be nice to me so that I can still get my fix from you when we talk. If this new woman doesn't work out, I might come back to you, so please be ready for me."

You've gotten some advice on exposure. Your goal is to bring this A out in the open, so that everyone knows that his new relationship with Skank (a/k/a 36 y.o. virgin) was created in such a sleazy manner. The odds of his relationship with Skank working is remote.

Next, I don't think you can Plan A him at this point since he is gone. So you might go straight to Plan B. Don't let him get his "fix" of you and the kids. Plan B letter and NC. Let Skank be responsible for meeting all of his EN's.

Sorry you are here. There is hope, yes! Others here have had their spouses leave and eventually come back. You just need to stick with the MB plan and follow through. The vets here who have been through can give you specific advice as you go through the process.

No, no, no. No Plan B yet.

The distance makes it harder to Plan A in some ways, but not impossible. I'll explain more in a moment.

Long-distance Plan A

Pros
1. They aren't right there in the house rubbing your nose in what they're doing.
2. There is limited interaction so you don't have as much chance to meet their EN's (Emotional Needs).
3. You have alot more peace and quiet when they aren't there.
4. You don't think of them as much once you get past the first, most difficult part.


Cons
1. They aren't right there in the house so you can't see what they're doing and your imagination fills even something even worse.
2. There is limited interaction so they don't have as much opportunity to slash at you with their cruel words.
3. With too much peace and quiet, you have to work hard to fill the time with things that are important and soothing to you. Ok, so that one isn't totally a con, is it?
4. They don't think of you as much...at first. But then it starts to eat at them and they find it's much harder to leave you behind than they thought. Hmmmm. That one's not totally a con, either.

That's just for starters. Let's take each of those things and translate them into a Long Distance Plan A How-to.

1. Since they aren't in the house to be reminded of your life together, find creative ways of reminding them. Just don't be too heavy-handed. Cards, notes, pictures, funny little anecdotes from happier days gone by, whatever you can think of.
2. There is limited interaction, so maximize your time together. When you talk on the phone, chat for a while and then excuse yourself before they can hang up first. Don't love-bust or bog down in relationship talk - make every conversation sparkle. On rare occasions when you can tell it's the right time, let your sadness show through. Most of the time, though, charming and witty.
3. You have alot more peace and quiet, and no one to answer to but God. Take good care of yourself physically, and use your extra time to do enjoyable things that are important to you.
4. Since you don't think of them as much once you get past the first, most difficult part, resist the temptation to slack off. You're in Plan A right up until the moment you hit Plan B, so keep your energy and focus high.
5. They aren't right there in the house so you can't see what they're doing and your imagination fills even something even worse. Following #3 will help, but also put a mental stop sign in your head. When your imagination starts to go off, be alert to that and deliberately turn your thoughts to something else. God is working day and night, fighting for your M. You have a part to play too, but resting in Him and trusting Him to do what you can't is so important.
6. Even long distance, you can meet some of your WH's EN's. Fill out Dr. H's EN Questionnaire as if you are your WH, and do your best to figure out which ones are the top 3. Hint: Sexual Fulfillment and Admiration are likely to be 2 of them. Meet those needs on the phone as much as you can. Admiration is easy - even if nothing he is doing right now is admirable you can still express approval and respect for the past. And SF can be anything from little teasing comments that keep the sexual part of your nature fresh in his mind to ... well all sorts of things. When he knows that you're hot and you want him, those thoughts will pop into his mind at all kinds of inconvenient (for him) times.
7. Make sure he gets little hints of the fun you're having. WH: Why didn't you answer when I called? You: (brightly) Oh, did I miss your call? Sorry - I was probably either at the gym or my samba class.
8. You're in a war. Though every single battle and skirmish may seem to be going against you, don't give up. A's are devilish things to fight, but God prevails again and again, even in the most discouraging circumstances. You may not see that all the things you're doing are having any effect at all. In fact things may get worse for a while, and probably will. That's actually a good thing. It means he's not as indifferent to you as he would like to be. Stick around and get guidance for this step by step, and your chances are excellent of restoring your M. You will find healing for yourself no matter what happens.

Tell you to give up? Not many people around here. No abuse? No other addictions than chasing garden implements? (And I don't mean shovels!) There's plenty of hope, and you came to the right place.

God bless.

No plan B until you've done a *stellar* Plan A. That's tougher from a distance but not impossible. Neak's post was good.

Notes about exposure; change gender to suit your own situation. Some won't apply with you being in different states but most will:


--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.