I had started a thread on my situation but I suspect it got lost in the shuffle.

To recap:
My WS moved out and is living with the OW. They've been living together now for 4 months. I exposed the A to all their friends and family. I did Plan A for approximately 2 months and I am now in Plan B. I have two kids who visit with their father in the presence of the OW, which is a great source of pain for me.

I am getting very discouraged. I don't see any break-down in my WS relationship with the OW. In fact, I only see evidence of it getting stronger. Family members that once shunned them are now accepting them and allowing them to attend family functins. Our mutual friends are slowly starting to socialize with them together as a couple. The stigma of their adulterous relationship seems to be wearing off.

He once told me that in time, everyone would come to accept his new relationship. He was right.

Now I understand Plan B is more for me to maintain my feelings of love for my H and recover emotionally (which it has) but I'm really struggling with the knowledge that my WS doesn't appear to be "missing me". I'm worried that the more time we're separated and the more time he has with the OW, there's less chance for us to ever recover our marriage.

So, I'm at the pivotal point in my life where I need to decide if I should continue to hold onto hope for his return or move on with my life without him.

Anyone have any words of encouragement for me?

I'm so sorry to hear about your predicament. The only thing I could say is that you can only change your actions and the way you feel, not those of others. You've done the right thing. It's easier said than done to say "just ignore the other people and don't let it get to you." I know I couldn't do it.
Try to be a positive role model for the kids. Don't turn into the mean and vindictive "first wife" cliche that we all hear about. Stay true to yourself--even if you don't get your WH back, you'll still have your dignity!

I know it $uck$..Plan B is is kind of a moving on thing for you. Yes you need to ignore the other stuff that is goin on and really try hard to focus on yourself. Do things for yourself, Plan be is very hard at first, but does get easier. You have to hold on to hope in the back of your mind, but keep it in the back for now.

There is hope, but Plan B is to work on yourself and stay dark. Stay away from the drama, try not to even hear what is goin on with WH and OW. I know it is hard.

Hang in there, it is to early left to give up on Recovery. But you need to do things for yourself to make yourself stronger. Exercise, go to church, join support groups, read, journal. And keep postin on here, there are a lot of good people here to help you through, they helped me.

Oh, and I believe that the opposite may be true, the more he is with the OW usually that means the faster it fizzles. My WH is in a LTA that hasnt ended yet because, he doesnt live with her and she lives an hour away...and I still have the slightest bit of hope....I have been in Plan B for over a year and a half. I am not givin up until I am ready to move on...

I you want to save your Marriage, follow a dark Plan B and dont give up hope until you dont want your marriage to be saved...

Do your kids know he left you because of her?

Yes, they know everything. I told them that his relationship with the OW was the reason why he left. But my WS told the kids it was because he was unhappy and had nothing to do with the OW.

I have reinforced to my kids that what their father is continuing to do is wrong (since he is living with the OW) but I worry about them. I'm worried they'll grow up thinking that what they're father did is acceptable because they are constantly exposed to their relationship. Just the other day, they all went out to dinner to celebrate my younger son's birthday (my WS, the OW, her two kids and my two kids), as if it was a completely acceptable thing to do. My WS and the OW are trying to present a message that this is acceptable while I am trying to tell them its not. I'm worried my kids are going to grow up confused and mess up their future relationships.

4myboys, you just have to make the best out of a bad situation. Be their voice of reason and they will love you for it and appreciate your guidance.

UGHHH, The old "it has nothin to do with the OW" They all love to say that....I just dont understand families that accept the OW. He is still a married man. That does make it that much harder, but if you are reinforcing that it is wrong, that you are both still married then that might help in the long run, when they are older...THey might realize that the way his whole family treated you was wrong.

Isnt there anyway you can keep your kids away from the OW...There has got to be...Maybe some vets know...do you have a separation agreement or anything?

One of my favorite people here is hope. You can find her thread here in SAA. She did an outstanding Plan A, and he still left her. She's in great pain over it, still loves him, but along the way, she has developed an amazing amount of self-respect, self-love, great body and great looks, and tons of friends and supporters. And the exH and OW work with her! (and her ex has fallen, mightily)

So, no, you may not get him back. He may choose to ruin his life. But the upside to this journey, even if you don't get him back, is that YOU become a much better person for it.

Oh, and btw, if I were in your shoes, I would become a broken record around his family, such as "Oh, really? You're letting POSOW come to Thanksgiving? I was hoping my kids wouldn't have to be around the woman who had an affair with your son while he was still married to me, at least not in your house. He chooses to force them to be with her at his apartment, but I was hoping you wouldn't add to it."

I know that's not a great way to promote harmony, but at this point, it looks like you're being replaced. I'd be trying to at least give them a dose of guilt. But I'm stubborn that way.

4myboys, By all means, speak to an attorney about getting a legal separation agreement that specifies keeping your minor children away from their cheating father's "paramour". This can often be done.

Have you dropped the cold hard truth on WH's family? Do they know what really happened? It may not change much on the surface but they will still be forced to swallow what you say and it will not sit well, try as they might to smile and pretend they're not feeling sick from it.

What about OW's family? Do they know the truth?

For yourself, stay in the darkest possible Plan B. Use an intermediary for anything kid-related. You must stop him from rubbing his affair in your face AND in your children's faces.

For the kids, tell them the truth, tell them it's wrong, tell them their father should NOT be putting in this immoral and impossible situation. And please, please, contact an attorney about putting a stop to their insane father dragging them around his girlfriend while he's still married to their mother.

I think that WS who drag the minor children around their OP are probably the very lowest form of WS. They do it to "normalize" their affair, you know. It's using their own kids in the worst possible way.

Call an attorney TODAY!
Mulan

Ya know now that I think of it, when my WH said that to my DS at the beginning...I said to him in front of our DS, If its not about OW than stop seeing her and come home. DS and I love you and know that we can make you happy here... WH didnt know what to say.

Now I am not telling you to do that, because that come out of me from pure emotion before I found MB...But what do the other MBers think.

Yes, I have a legal separation agreement. I live in Ontario and unfortunately, from a legal standpoint, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I can do to limit my kids exposure to the OW. The law states that I cannot do anything to impact the way my WS chooses to live his life. The law is secular. Morals don't matter.

And yes, everyone knows. His family, his friends, her family and friends but it is still tolerated by everyone. I sometimes feel I am the only one who has the courage and strenght to treat my kids with the respect they deserve by telling them the truth and teaching them what's right from wrong. Complacency is the enemy. The anger I feel toward everyone who supports their adulterous relationship is overwhelming some days.

But, I know that one day, my children will grow up to be mature individuals who will look back on everything that has happened and be able to decide for themselves how to proceed in their adult relationships. I just hope they choose right.

Then get it off your chest. Let these people know.

That was absolutely the perfect response from both you and DS. I said the same thing to my XWH. And both your WH and mine responded the same way.

They said nothing and continued to put their girlfriends first.

Does his family know about this exchange?
Mulan

YES! Silence Gives Consent. This stuff continues unabated because Nobody Talks About It. Never be afraid to Speak Your Truth about what adultery really does to a family. So many people who haven't been through it assume it's no big deal, no worse than breaking up with your high school boyfriend/girlfriend. Speak Up!
Mulan

catperson - That's exactly how I feel. That I'm being replaced.

And I never thought of it that way, that my WS is using the kids to "normalize" his relationship. That's exactly what he's doing. It makes me sick because there is nothing I can do about it.

I have tried reasoning with my WS's family about the OW's participation in family events but they're too afraid to stand up to their son/brother for fear of pushing him away. I know they struggle with having her around but they tolerate it for the sake of their son/brother. Only one person has the courage to stand up to my H and that's his 87 year old grandmother. She refuses to have anything to do with the family if it involves the OW. Thank goodness for her. She is my beacon of hope in a world of dispair.

My MIL, does not allow OW anywhere near her or anyone in the family, she doesnt care if she sees her son or not, I just made sure I told her that I would always make sure she saw her grandson.....Maybe they are just afraid of not seeing their grandchildren, maybe you could assure them that you would make sure that they always saw them and that might help...

I mean if they are against him, they could just tell him he is welcome in their home but without OW...if he chooses to not see them because of that, that is WH choice not the families...

Could you talk to them and let them know how much this is hurting you and explain what i just said to them?

I'm sure a big part of their complacency has to do with the grandchildren. I have told them over and over again that no matter what happens, their grandchildren will always be a part of their lives. But in the end, they choose to support their son.

Blood is thicker than water. His family see it as a choice to support me or support their son/brother and its obvious who they chose. My influence over the in-laws has run out. I tried everything. They know how much it hurts me to know that the OW is participating in family events but they cannot bring themselves to take a stand against their son. They are not willing to potentially fracture their relationship with their son for fear of what THEY will lose. It is a completely selfish act on their part.

That is ridiculous, I am sorry your inlaws are lettin your WH walk all over them...and this is one of the reasons why adultery is so prevelant..the acceptance....My WH family is Sicilian and NONE of them accept WH girlfriend...They have strong family values too and they consider me Family...I just wish yours would do the same.....

UGGGGHHH, I am so angry for you right now!!!