I told him i love him and want him to stay.
but - him hating me so openly, and treating me with distain in front of the kids is hurting them. The best path is for us to love each other, work on restoring our marriage. But if he can not - i respect his need to leave and heal apart from me. He said he wasnt ready to leave. He didnt know if he had to do that yet.
HW...please tell him that in order for you to cheat on him, you had to act out your feelings...which is part of what affairs are. You realize now that respect does not act out...it states, not demonstrates. You know that not enforcing that boundary around yourself led to destroying what you love most...yourself, your family and your BH.
Do not tolerate it from him, as your act of love and redemption. Another part to watch for is if you're DJing him...could be you're assuming he is acting out disdain...though he might.
Check yourself. There's no way you could have committed adultery if you'd been acting from respect every step of the way. Do that now. Check your DJs...aloud, especially. They are a big part of the wayward mind. Dump them now. Each time you catch yourself assuming or defining your BH, admit to it outloud...state what you just did, why you did it, and how and why you don't want to do it again.
Hold him to the same...again, remember how deeply you bought your own self-lies in order to cheat...to justify is to lie...do NOT justify his choices, his actions...and do not do so for your own.
Respect he can stop acting out...it's a choice, not a condition. Respect that he is choosing to stay without recommitting to the marriage. Up to you to know your own limits...as an act of love...how long you will go without knowing his choice...ask for clarity. Then share YOUR limits.
Stop the dj's like "I understand he cannot love me today" more lies. He loves you. He hates what you did, hates how he feels, hates having to take all these consequences from the actions YOU chose which he had no choice in.
Know the difference. Not knowing the difference gave you a wayward mindset. You're not free of it it. Get free of it. Choose differently.
Truly respecting his feelings is listening to know and understand...NOT accepting when he acts them out. That's not love. That's more fodder for your wayward mindset. Hurts recovery. And you HAVE to personally recover, no matter what he decides. That's yours...your responsibility. Solely yours.
Stop speaking through him and begin speaking TO him. "I am not trustworthy today. I want to rebuild your trust in me, and I know I have to rebuild trusting myself. I lied so much, so many times, I don't know where those lies end and truth begins. My job is to stop lying. Only way to rebuild my trust is to be transparent with you and myself. I'm doing that every day. That's my goal. That's what I'm holding myself to."
You cannot ask anyone to throw their heart and soul into anything. You lost that privilege...YOU throw your heart and soul into personal and marital recovery...YOU hold yourself to healthy boundaries, you FOCUS on you...not him...and you do not allow him to cross boundaries of respect, otherwise, I guarantee, YOU will do so again yourself.
He hasn't chosen the marriage or you, HW. What you can ask for is his deadline for making the real choice...to leave the marriage with the children, to leave the marriage without the children (as primary), or to stay and work on recovery for two years, and THEN decide to re-marry you at that time, or leave the marriage.
Sound off or crazy? At one point, our MC had us renewing our marital contract every three months...as long as we could conceivably commit...and my FWH took three months to decide what he was going to do. That was my limit, too.
You can restore your marriage if he loathes you right now. It's not forever. It's right now. He LOATHES what you did...and himself, a lot. You gonna be there to lead recovery, to heal him, to be his true ally...or are you going to continue in a wayward mindset, making your opinion fact? Telling him what can and cannot be? More lies to yourself. Stop doing that. You don't want more lies.
You totally don't respect yourself...so it's reasonable that he doesn't. He can, just like falling in love with you, respect you again. Respect, like trust, can be rebuilt. You have to do so for yourself, anyway. Why not do it maritally?
Your marriage can survive him not respecting you right now, too.
It cannot survive him acting from disrespect. Know the difference.
Stop making it all about you--how he sees you, what good, etc. You're an admiration TRAMP, woman...stop. YOU define who you are...asking others to do so got you to wipe out what you cherished most...you will cheat again and again until you really get this. Shortcuts lead to affairs...don't self-sabotage. Don't shortcut to feeling better through fantasy. Own that only you define yourself...and then you'll understand how much you lied to yourself through defining who your BH was...
You ARE wife, mother, writer, daughter, best friend...and adulteress. None of which are WHO you are.
Tell us if you can love, respect, admire your BH...if HE is a good father, BH, son, provider? Get into your heart and uncover how much you drove him into the ground in your mind and soul in order to betray your marriage. See him new today.
He is a human being, your equal, you decimated. That doesn't justify him decimating you. Your family. Justification is a lie. Don't buy into it.
Ask him to lay out the terms of recovery. Ask him if he can envision any better possible scenario than to be crazy in love with the mother of his children...and that you have made that YOUR goal. Tell you know he is capable, that his choices matter as much as yours...and you understand if he won't.
His fears are valid...you haven't changed the real reasons why you chose to cheat...get to them. For your protection and his...his anger is about him...coming from him. Up to him to resolve it. He can feel angry...tell you how angry he feels and why...he cannot act it out. That's the difference.
Stop with "he needs to know" crap. YOU need to focus on what you do when he acts out his anger...to protect your marriage and your kids. To hold yourself to new standards of conduct...to keep your promises to yourself. Your focus on him and what he does and doesn't feel, has to know, learn and understand will end your marriage.
All of those things are your responsibility, on you, about you. Focus.
He can balance himself...he is capable, able...it's a choice. He used you to complete him...instead of you both completing the Union. You did the same. Know this is normal and ends marriages...because that belief tells you each is defective without the other...incomplete, not enough...it worsens what we learned as children...and it's two partners in a lie.
Tell him you KNOW he can heal and personally recover from what you did...that you know you ripped out what seems like the fabric of his soul...his entire belief system in the world. It's true. You did. You knew how much he would hurt...even without understanding a human could hurt THIS much.
Part of rebuilding trust is making and taking predetermined progressive boundary enforcements around your behavior...when you cross the boundary of respect by DJing in your mind or in your words, you hold yourself to owning what you did right then, aloud to BH, why you did it (stinkin' thinking), and why and how you won't do it again. Not who you are. Not going to fantasy.
You do the same when he acts out...AO's, SD's and DJs you. State what the boundary crossing is and what you're going to do in that moment...what you're holding yourself to doing.
Demonstrates to him you will do what you promised even if you don't feel like it (feel more like retaliating or manipulating instead)...that rebuilds trust in yourself and in him...delivering on it through respectful, loving actions. Every time you take abuse from him, you are hurting him all over again. Stop doing that.
Please find and attend Alanon meetings...because another lie you both bought was that you could soothe his anger (like a child, when he's a man)...that you are now the brunt...when he hurts...where you go from monster to victim, and back again...from saint to martyr...
when all the time, in reality, you're human. You choose your perspective. He hurts. He feels anger. He comes home to you. He's struggling. You're struggling. And because of what you did, you both will, for years. Up to you to stop doing what you did before and truly see what it took for you to do destroy this much, dearest to your heart...
LA