I just need a little help/input from others who have been there.

I have had NC with OM since the beginning of the year. I do love my husband but there are no "romantic" feelings there now. I feel more like brother and sister than husband and wife. I really would like to have passionate, romantic feelings for him. He is a wonderful man and I cry almost every night because I can't seem to get the feelings of passion and romance back for him. He does not deserve this. Sometimes I feel like I should just let him go so that he can find someone who can love him like he deserves to be loved. But I know that I would regret it if we divorced. He knows all details of the affair and is still willing to stay with me inspite of everything that I have put him through. We are both in our 30's and really don't want to live the rest of our lives in celibacy. The intimacy issues I am struggling with are all on my side and not his.

Is there anyone out there who has been through this and if so how long did it take to get the romantic type feelings back. And what are some of the things you did to get them back.

By the way, we have read both HNHN and SA. Will this get better with time?

bestill, it will get better if you implement this program. And I mean learning to be a PRO at meeting each others needs. What are your top 5 needs?

The book I would get is Fall in Love, Stay in Love. Also order this workbook: Five Steps to Romantic Love and go through the steps. What I have learned is that you skip steps, you don't get the full benefit of the program. But if you follow it as written, the passion can return. [or start for the first time]

This won't get better with TIME, but will get better by working SMART.

Do you EVER see the OM? Anywhere, anytime?

No, I don't see OM. He doesn't live in our town. There have been no phone calls or emails etc either. We did the EN questionaire but my EN are not the same as they would have been when the affair started (because of my intimacy issues now). How do we approach that? Before the affair I was a very affectionate person loved to cuddle etc. Now I can hardly stand to be touched. I am so confused by the changes within me.

This is a conscious decision of yours. When I came here, I hated my H. That was MY choice because I wanted to see him as all faults. Once I got off my high horse in wanting him to be the bad guy so I could be the good guy, the clouds parted!

You need to do some thinking about yourself - not your husband.

That said, you need to (1) think back to what your life was like when you were dating and find out why you can't be like those two people again; and (2) spend a LOT of time reading the material here and follow the program. That means you FIRST fill out the Love Buster questionnaire - BOTH of you - and vow to stop LBing each other, period. Work on that and that alone for a couple of months - being compassionate of each other, so as not to LB them according to what the other answers on the LB questionnaire.

Once you have changed those habits, THEN look at the EN questionnaire all over again and see what's what.

Print out all the material and start reading it, together.

When you take the EN questionaire, you should answer for your current feelings.

Are you spending 15 hours a week together meeting each others needs?

bestill, you are getting great advice. Do the work you're being advised to do, implement the program, and you will be amazed at how different things will be in light of such understanding and compassion.

Also, pay attention to this from catperson:


This is absolutely true. Here's my experience:

I took my BH for granted, and felt like I was helpless to do anything about my feelings of "roommates/brother-sister love" for him. (This was while I was actively pursuing my A, mind you, but I think the lesson is the same.) However, upon D-day, that all changed. My BH was NOT who I was making him out to be, and the very real threat of losing everything opened my eyes.

My advice to you: STOP looking at your BH with the same old gaze, so to speak. See him how others see him, in a positive light. Do women hit on him? Put yourself in their position and figure out what they see in him. What initially attracted you to him? Find out things you don't know about him - there will always be something. Start appreciating him for who he is, and stop taking him for granted. Value him for all he is and does for you, especially those things that make him stand above the average Joe Schmoe.

As catperson said, this is a conscious decision of yours. Stop wallowing in "woe is me, why do I feel this way?" and do something about it. Start acting to fix the situation - the MB program will be instrumental in that. You're the only one who can fix this, so get started - and start enjoying a fulfilling, loving marriage!

You don't get hugs even from friends or others people that you don't have romantic feelings for? That is a far cry from you can't stand being touched. I agree with what Cat and B_S2008 but will even add that if you still have OM on a mental pedastal in your head, it's no wonder you don't want to give BH an honest chance. No real person can compete with an illusion.

Start holding hands in the car and when you walk together, let H cuddle with you when you watch TV, court him but you need to put in the effort. Right now you aren't.

Are these intimacy issues here because of disgust for H or guilt for affair or loyalty for OM?

Take your time to give an answer...

MB friends,
Thank you for your suggestions and input. I absolutely do not think OM was perfect by any means. He certainly had his faults as we all do. To be honest if I put DH side by side with OM, DH is by far the better man. My husband and I grew apart over time to the point that I thought he really didn't care that much for me. He was never very affectionate. Rarely complimented me. As a matter of fact I cannot recall a time when he ever told me I was pretty. All of this was before the A. After Dday he asked me what attracted me to OM and I told him everything. Since then DH is a different man. Wants to be affectionate, compliments me, helps out with kids etc.
Now I'm wondering what in the world is wrong with me that I can't respond. After all of these years he is finally everything I ever wanted in a man. Don't get me wrong. I always felt that DH was a good man. He is nice looking and I never felt disgust for him or anything like that. In fact I never stopped loving him. The love I felt changed into something more platonic I guess but it never died.

Imagine,
I guess if I really think about it I would have to say guilt may be a big part of it. DH is treating me like a queen and I know I don't deserve it. At the same time I will have to be honest and admit that yes I do still miss OM from time to time. I guess more of the way he made me feel than actually him. But I do still miss the passion/excitement etc. (ducking the 2X4's) Is it wrong to want or expect those feelings now with my husband. I would love to have those feelings inside marriage without the guilt that goes along with having an affair.

Black raven,
For awhile after NC I couldn't even stand hugs from any of my family. That is getting better but still so weird for me that I would feel that way!

Thanks for listening guys!

I don't have an answer, & your experience has not been same as mine, so I dunno if my thoughts are worth anything in this context, but maybe to consider:

You want passion/excitement...
Are you waiting for those feelings to strike you like lightning, or are you doing some things on your own to create excitement? Do you suggest going out to places to eat that the 2 of you have never eaten at before? Have you bought some snappy new clothes that you never wore before (over & under)? Do you send him romantic e-cards in the middle of the day "just because"? Have you tried leaving a sweet note for him under his windshield wiper while he's at work?

In my own experience, when my A ended, sure, I missed & pined for the excitement/passion/sense of possibility/sense of mystery/spontaneity that I'd enjoyed with my OW. No one had ever sent me e-cards or stuffed notes on my car windshield until OW started doing it. (Heck, I'd never even known myself well enough to realize I even LIKED some of that stuff.) Maybe it's not those things, maybe it's other things that "do it" for your husband. But, point is, if you want excitement, do things for HIM to meet HIS needs, things that you've never done before... then, you may find that some excitement, or spontaneous reaction, or a spark or two, may come from the way he reacts.

That's all sorta off-the-cuff, and I don't think that this by itself is any cure-all... it's gotta be a part of more focused discipline re: emotional needs that Mel & others have spoken about. But I think it's in line with that advice, in that you can't be passive & wait for the feelings to return; you have to cultivate a welcoming environment for them to return. How/what are YOU doing in that regard?

Here, print out this list, and sit down with your spouse and find some things you can start doing together. If you achieve your 15 hours a week together - and these are some great ways to spend that time to get the in love feeling back - your feelings will start changing.

Read a book together
Take turns picking out a movie to watch
Bring out the board games, at least once a week
Start a solitaire club with some neighbors or friends, play solitaire against each other one night a week or month
Start gardening together
Grow herbs/vegetables/fruits
Take walks
Start a sport together; take classes at a community college, such as racquetball or volleyball
Get bikes and start riding bikes together
Sign up for an MS 150 and train for the bike ride all year
Plan some day trips, start taking one every month
Try out one new restaurant every week, take turns choosing and surprising the other with it
Go to bookstore and get a book like �52 great invitations to sex� in which you both have 26 invitations for a special evening to invite the other one, and you set it up, give the other the invitation (included in book) and then put on the evening
Join an online gaming community together (but don�t get addicted!)
Buy a Wii or Guitar Hero and play together
Give each other foot rubs
Take massage class together and practice giving each other massages
Go back to school together
Get a pet, take it to obedience school and learn to train it (if applicable)
Join a neighborhood dinner club or other club
Volunteer together
Join a church or get more involved in your church
Take a cooking class together and take turns cooking for each other
Go to HGTV.com and pick out a project to do for your house together
Take free classes at Home Depot on how to fix something at your house
Start a business together
Organize a block party
Organize a family reunion
Start working with a financial planner or learn about stocks together
Take dancing lessons together; if you like it, start entering in competitions
Go online for your city and look up 'activities' and 'family' and maybe even 'free' if your city is big enough; subscribe to those websites and go there every month to look for upcoming activities you can all do together; you can find plays, music events, art things, sports things, picnics, etc.

GloveOil, this is HUGE!

Please listen to this advice. It is key! I did it, and it does work.

Bump