I have been married for almost 2 years now. From day 30 (after the honeymoon), my marriage has been on the rocks. My husband and I have been to family and to our pastor for advice and counseling to no avail. He works overnight and I work during the daytime. I knew that our schedules would be rough, because when we met he was working the overnight shift. However, back while we were dating we all ways seemed to make time for eachother. My husband stop wanting to do things together. His reasoning was that he was tired. I found myself going to events alone e.g. (family reunions, family dinners, social gatherings). It honestly felt like we were roommates. He would be in the living, while I was in the bedroom. He slept on the couch, because he said when he got home in the morning he didnt want to wake me up. Even after, I told him countless times that I want him to lay beside me. Anyways...

Several months ago, I noticed my husband acting stranger than normal. He would answer the phone in private, whisper really low, he just seemed up to no good. I guess I had women's intution. I asked him was he talking/having an affair with anyother females, and he denied. One night while he was asleep he received a text msg, "where are you, can you talk". I never said anything to him about it. My husband and I share the same phone plan, so I noticed from the phone records that he would be on the phone with the same person who sent him a text for 1-2 hours every night. I saw that they spoke atleast 3-5 times daily. Also, they sent each other text messages repeatedly throughout the day. I asked him again was something going on and he denied it. For a week, he looked me in the face and lied about everything. Until, I told him that I looked up the phone records, and then, and only then did he come clean. The nature and extent to their relationship I have no idea. He told me that she is married and all they do is talk. They work together and became friends only. That she's happily married...yet, calling my husband at 1,2,3, 5' oclock in the morning. Even on my birthday!
I told him that I was done with all of the lies and deceit. He broke my trust. We went to the pastor...who I told that I didnt feel like I can trust my husband anymore. My dad was really against me getting a divorce, and recommended that we try to work on things. Things have been up and down since then. We go a week or so really liking eachother, and the remainder of the month at each others neck. It's been 3 months since the blow-up.
I travel on day trips and often business trips with my family business. On the last trip, I met a man from within my organization. He is an older man, who is also married. While we were away, we talked in the hotel lobby for 3-4 hours, and got to know eachother. When I got back home, me at this guy kept up our friendship, so we began speaking everyday. We would see one another at company functions, and I noticed that we began to like eachother. Coming to meetings looking forward to see him. We have gone out to restaurants after meetings, have worked out together, and have spent time alone. We can relate to eachother, because we share some of the same business aspirations, and we have things in common. I find that we are both really comfortable with eachother in such little time. We have kissed and given eachother hugs and things of that nature, but I have avoided becoming sexually intimate with him. So no, we have not had sex.

However, I feel myself growing even further away from my husband. Now, I am seriously contemplating leaving my marriage not to be with another married man, but because I don't want to cause anyone pain or feel it. My husband speaks of wanting to have children, but I am scared... I feel like we have all of these problems. I don't want to bring children into this mess. I feel like he won't treat me well during the pregnancy, because he barely treats me well now.

It's been almost two months, and while I don't want to lose a friend, I also dont want to be dating a married man...because I realize that's what is happening. My husband doesn't know that I have this friend. I really am torn to pieces. I welcome your feedback.

Are you serious? Don't know about this story,however if it IS real...

The two of you don't quite get the idea of M. Being that you've been only M for 2 yrs it might be best to go your separate ways. Both of you have committed adultery and both of you need to STOP if you want to keep your M. That means stop seeing these people FOREVER. You cannot fix your M by going outside of your M.

The S of these people should be told because they deserve the truth concerning their lives. Then leave them alone!

My best advice is to end THIS M and learn what M is about before you decide to M again.

You need to stop now. You are doing the same thing to your husband that he did to you. You are having an emotional affair. Two wrongs don't make a right. You also need to think about the other man's family. You don't mention whether this man has children. Even if they are grown, this would rock their world. Affairs cause nothing but hurt and destruction in their path.

Only you can make a decision about your marriage, but you probably shouldn't make that decision right now while the pain is still fresh. This is one thing I have learned recently. Try to take care of yourself. I can tell you from experience, that the pain does ease. Then you will be able to think with a more clear head.

This is the only advise I can give, I know there are others here who can help more than I

In my 12th year of marriage, I also met someone who paid attention to me, talked to me, made me feel special. The distance I already felt with my husband grew and grew. I ended up in a full-blown affair.

It was the worst decision of my life.

I remember hearing someone say one time that simple and easy are not the same thing. The right thing to do in your case really is simple: stop all contact with this OM forever, tell your H, decide together whether you both want to recover from each others' affairs and have a real marriage. Easy, heck no! But simple, yes.

You have only been married a short time. You said you two have talked with your pastor. I assume that means you have certain beliefs about marriage. Those will most likely play into your decision. But make no mistake, if you do leave, this OM WILL have been a factor in your decision. There's no way he couldn't have been. I know your dad urged against divorce, but ultimately, this is between you and your husband.

It may be hard to hear, but there really are two WS's in this situation. Both of you have to own your choices, and both of you have to decide how to heal from betrayal. Yes, self-care is important, but beware of sliding into the "I gotta do something for me" trap. That thinking can actually lead to infidelity, I should know.

I do have to ask, if the differeing shifts were such a factor in your marriage, did one of you not request another shift? I know people in this situation, and it really is hard to get time together, I know.

Having an affair with a married man tends to do that. arabdu, how can you insist he stop he affair with his work girlfriend while you do the same thing? The lack of boundaries and lack of care in this marriage is about astonishing. I don't know if you are serious, but if you are, I would start by telling your husband and your "friends" wife what you have been doing. Then end all contact.

There has been so much damage done in 2 short years that it would take a miracle to clean up this mess. You might be better off just accepting you are not grown up enough to be married [either of you] and moving on.

I am sorry, I cannot for the life of me understand how you could experience the pain of your H having an A on you and then turn around and become an OW. I despise my H's OW and I would NEVER do that to another woman.

I never thought I would be in this place as the OW. Yes, it hurt really bad to go through that experience with my H. Our friendship began to turn very fast into an emotional relationship. I'm trying to pull the strings on things bcus this was never my intention. I know it's wrong!

I'm paraphrasing a quote: There is Do, or Do Not, there is no Try.


NC NOW with the MM. Regain your integrity!

DO IT NOW!

The pain your husband inflicted on you is now going to be inflicted on this man's wife. How sad. No, it sounds like it wasn't intentional. That doesn't really matter. You can slide into an affair. The second your recognize it for what it is, that is the time to face the truth and get out.

Whether you stay with your husband or not, do you really want to participate in a relationship in which some woman you don't even know is being hurt terribly -- even if she doesn't know it now, even if she never finds out or only finds out after a divorce?

You have a conscience, which is why you are here. Listen to it.

Cherished

Many OM/W convince themselves that they have nothing to do with the marriage and they also don't understand the depths of how traumatizing an A is the the BS. You know BETTER and at many points during your "evolving friendship" I am certain you realized what was happening and did not turn away from it.

BTW I would think you would know this, but in the future, hopefully you understand now that married people DO NOT have opposite-sex friends and do not allow any third parties to meet their ENs.

Anyway, we have heard a lot of excuses but haven't heard you say that you intend to end this A. Are you going to continue down this path?

What does that mean?

Is it like "I'm trying to take a bath because I'm filthy and sweaty"? or "I'm trying to turn in my resignation at work"?

I don't understand. What's keeping you from ceasing all contact with OM? It's not easy, but it's simple. Just. Do. It.

Good evening, thank you everyone for your responses. I'm still trying to understand all of the short end words...is there somewhere on the site that lets new ppl know i.e. (EN, FWH,BS, WS).


Yes, I want to end the A with the MM. We work together and see eachother at board meetings once a week only. This A is not over my head where I feel like I can no longer do business in the same location with him, so there will not be an option to quit my business. But, what I am trying to figure out is exactly how do I end the extra communication. Should I wait until we are face-to-face, text, phone or do you advise against doing that. I want my point to be clear and direct when I end things, so there's no confusion. While these questions may seem pretty basic, i'm coming to you for the best advice. I've thought of my way, but I want the right way. I will check the site to see if there are steps for ending A's. I welcome your feedback and steps for solutions. Again, this is new for me.

Best way to end the affair is to write an email or letter as described here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Your H should approve the content of this letter.

Thank you!

Today, I spoke to my H and told him that I have been talking to another man and having an EA. Told him that I was feeling like we are drifting apart, and I turned to this OM for companionship...He was surprised. I wanted to be honest.

We spoke about his past indiscretions, and how we have caused each other pain. I asked him whether are we willing and committed enough to make this marriage work? I had to go out of town and will be staying w/ family for a few days. Will be in prayer and thought about next steps.

Good for you!

I doubt that you told him the full effect of the EA. Trickle truth is not unusual here. Refer him to this site that he may commence his own post.

Excellent first step! I know that was scary (been there, done that).

You are wrong in thinking that once weekly business-only contact is acceptable. All it will take is a big fight with your H and you'll be chatting w/OM again and the affair will be back on. You don't need that kind of temptation.

Also, even if you COULD reduce the interactions to a purely professional level, the worry and stress of seeing you go to work every day and knowing OM is there will slowly destroy your H.

You must find another job, or if it's possible transfer to another location or department where you do not ever see OM or even see his name in email distribution lists. No Contact is critical and it means you don't ever communicate to OM, nor do you communicate about OM with others (except of course for answering your BH's questions).