You don't need her admission to know it is an affair. Just continue to call it ADULTERY.


She won't agree to any of that now. It is useless to even try until you bust up the affair first. Stop trying to educate her!


Pre-emptive surrender? Are you french?

si-vous-ple for the support.

I want to meet with a lawyer and see what my options might be if she pushes for the divorce.
She said she'll never forgive me for 'sullying her name to her son' and I think she may pursue divorce. Too bad for me - her dad has a lot of money; I might never see my kids again. My biggest fear.

I will go for a divorce if she doesn't agree to take a different approach to the marriage if we ever get through this. I will not be betrayed again.

She keeps saying it's not an affair, but gets SO so defensive about it and actually defends him.
Isn't that evidence of foul play???

And why exactly do you believe this?

Sorry, I shouldn't be so dramatic. I've just always had the fear that I'd get the short end of the stick in this liberal state of massachusetts. (plus her dad could probably hire good lawyers).
She only works part time, I pay all the bills and spend twice as much time with them as she does (coaching, taking them to school, playing with them, etc) ; but that often doesn't matter to these nit-wit judges.

If you ever want your marriage to improve, eventually you are going to have to move to get away from OM. Why don't you get the ball rolling on that now?

sigh........settle down. They always threaten to divorce you in order to shut you up. 9 times out of 10 it is a idle threat.

She is just trying to scare you into not interfering in her affair. If she DOES sue for divorce, which is unlikely, you can countersue for adultery in many states and have the OM dragged into court!

Just pat her on the head and offer her a tater chip.

Dramatic is the last thing you need. Be sure you aren't telling people stuff like this as it will not reflect well on you. If FIL, happens to call you tell him exactly what is going on but stick to the facts. If your FIL is a decent man he will not want some single guy making googly eyes at his DD who wants to play hide the pickle and wrecking his grandchildren's family.

I so agree.

Just calm down. She is quoting EXACTLY from the wayward handbook. We could have quoted you these EXACT same things before you exposed, because we KNOW what she'll say.

Are you keeping written records of everything she has done in the affair? Print it out, any proof you have, and keep it somewhere outside the house. You wouldn't believe how hard WSs search their homes for your 'evidence' so they can destroy it.

Oh, and go to the bank tomorrow and make sure she cannot pull money out of your joint accounts.

So soon? she's still in denial.
Do I call a realtor?
I figured if she ever admitted she was having an affair and then to try to save the marriage, I would let her know we have to sell the house.

op, you will have to sell your house either way. You would be better off getting it ready for sale NOW in the hopes you can move and recover your marriage.

Another option is to find another house now and rent yours out. We had another board member whose wife was having an affair with the neighbor. He simply picked up and moved into a rental house until the OM moved. Then he moved back to his house.

But your marriage won't ever recover living there next to the OM. You will both be triggered every day.

Move. Even if you don't stay married. How can you stay living next door to the OM?

Cat,
I don't really have written records. She has her own phone and is adept at deleting history of texts/calls. (I recently started checking while she's asleep).
It's been a emotional affair, I think my buddy across the street would tell me if he saw comings and goings during the day. The only real proof is her reactions to the implications and the way she refuses to renounce him or admit he's a problem. I also received a nice few paragraphs of marriage counselling from him when I texted him to tell him to stay away (this after several previous personal conversations) - the nature of his response told me that he knows way more about my relationship with my W than a 'casual acquaintance.' She also ALWAYS defends him; he has never done anything wrong - to me this is proof that he's more important to her than our family (like crack would be if she was on crack). So, without getting at phone records, I don't know of any real proof -- do you have any suggestions in this area?
-I'll stop by the bank tomorrow.

What cell phone carrier does she have? Can't you check the records online? The only one that I know of so far that does not do this is Sprint.

Also you can DL flexispy to her phone and get a record of all her texts, etc.

OK I went back to your first thread. It sounds like your WW has a) admitted that the OM told her he was infatuated with her b) that she had feelings for him, stated that she didnt know if she was in love with him and c) you know that she emails, texts and spends time with him secretly. Is that all correct?

That's definitely enough evidence IMO. Don't let her gaslight you.

BTW what was the "unmistakeably inappropriate" July 4 behavior you referred to?

optimism, you can download and install flexispy on her phone. Did you check out that link? You can buy the cheaper version at $149 and get the goods. If she is deleting her history then she is hiding something. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

Do you come home during the day to see if the OM is in your home?

Susie,
you have that all correct. I'm not naive anymore and really don't believe anything she is saying. I implemented a pretty extensive exposure plan with some results. I will be elaborating on that soon with questions for folks who have been so helpful so far.
Her unmistakable behavior was that the cops were at his house for a loud party and she was chomping at the bit to go to try and defend him. It was all too obvious it was more than a friendship at that point. It also became clear just the way she was acting around him, especially with a couple drinks in her. When I called her our it was "Are you in love with him?" and her response "I don't know".
So began the new chapter in my life.

edited to add: the time they spent together became highly more limited at that point - she promised not to do so and I have no evidence that it did continue (prior to that he would give her a ride to work and [censored] like that), around that time I told him I didn't want him on my porch and fortunately my neighbor (older disabled former bouncer who is around a lot) has helped to re-inforce the concept.

ML,
The exposure plan implemented has had some effect - I will elaborate with some further questions for you vets. In the meantime I will consult with a lawyer on my rights when it comes to pursuing restraining orders for at least myself and my children. He's obviously never been physical, but the sanctity of my home has clearly been disrupted and I feel I should have some rights.
I also may pursue the phone software with the tactic of using it against HIM - letting him know that I will pursue harassment/stalking charges if I find out he's trying to contact her. -something else I will discuss with a lawyer, but you may have some thoughts as well.
I've come home during the day several times and found nothing. I also have a trusted neighbor who would tell me if he saw any activity. He's home most of the time.

Great job on the exposure, OM!

I agree with what the others were saying on your first thread, however, I would begin preparations to move or rent out your home. I don't really think there will be any other way...