Just read an intercepted message today between OM and WW. OM says he is immediately putting in for a transfer to TX or NY. Says he realizes there can be no repentance if he is anywhere near WW. Says transfers are for three years.

OM texted me today asking if I would raise the baby.

Don't know whether this is just more melodrama or the real thing. Seems more serious than past attempts...

WW is dying. She can't text or call OM because # is blocked. She only has e-mail and OM has blocked that.

WW is telling me to move NOW because she doesn't want to face her friends, she feels she is shunned forever. Major guilt attack. She's going to hammer me more in person when I get home. I'm trying delay tactics, whatever, just to help her get through withdrawal if that's where we are headed...

writer1: WW is going to church but only sacrament. Yesterday lots of her friends got up and bore their testimony. She thought is was directed at her (which it was) and that they are all fake. Man, she's angry. Yes, she thinks that OM and her can get a temple marriage, etc., etc., although with today's drama, that bubble may be bursting.

Bottom line is that OM seems to love his kids more than WW. We'll see how things go tonight. Time to put on the whole armor of God.

It seems that OM is finally starting to realize what he's going to lose if he continues to pursue your WW. It seems like a good sign that he's talking about moving and asking if you will raise the baby. I would be cautiously optimistic about this.

Your WW is probably going through massive withdrawals right now. Withdrawals can be very painful. I remember one particularly bad night when OM announced that he was cutting off all contact for several months so that he could "figure things out" and at the same time, H called and told me he wasn't coming home for the weekend because he "needed time alone to think." I freaked out, thinking I had lost them both. I actually went to the drug store and purchased some sleeping pills - not because I really wanted to hurt myself (though, I admit, the thought was there) but because I hadn't slept (or really eaten) in days and I just couldn't take it anymore. This is going to be a very difficult time for your WW. Be prepared for a terrible roller coaster of emotions.

It's good that your WW is going to sacrament at least. She may be angry when she hears people say things that are directed at her, but maybe some little bit of it will get through. She does still need to know that people love her and care about her no matter what she has done.

Good luck tonight. Stay strong. Just remember, this too will pass. There's no guarantee how things are going to turn out of course, but there is something better waiting for you on the other side of all this. Maybe it's a recovered M and maybe it isn't, but things will eventually settle down one way or another. How are your kids holding up through all of this?

It seems to me like the A is starting to die. Of course you can help expedite that slow and painful death by blocking means of contact between WW and OM. Get into her email and block OM's email address in case he doesn't. Keep an eye on your WW because she will likely try and visit OM in person if he doesn't continue to call or email her back.

All the meanwhile, just plan A. Try to engage your WW in conversation about non-relationship stuff when she lets you. Just try to make it comfortable small talk. No relationship talk. When she tells you stuff like move out, I'm going to D you, etc., just don't respond and let it roll off your back. After about 2 months of no contact w/ OM and she'll be singing a different tune. You just need to be a safe and pleasant alternative to her current plans.

Thought I'd give you an idea which MAY be feasible.

Your wife (in her withdrawal and foggy state) wants to move to get away from the embarassment of all this.

You COULD agree to TRYING. It's likely not economically feasible in today's market and based upon what you said earlier about your finances...but what the heck. Getting the house ready TOGETHER to put it up for sale is a nice withdrawal and early recovery PROJECT. You can spend a lot of time together painting rooms, organizing closets, shopping for things to stage the house with, etc....Plan A'ing her through withdrawal and DISTRACTING HER from her "pain".

Listing the house doesn't mean selling it. You just set your price real high and stick to it. No lowball offers will even be entertained. You never really have to sell it. Just get the house ready for sale. Now IF someone comes in at your really high price...then, by all means, you CAN sell it and go out and get yourself another house (in town or not). By the time your house is even ready to sell your wife may be through withdrawal and thinking more clearly (and NO LONGER want to move).

This might all be complicated by the pregnancy...but nonetheless a distraction you can work on together might benefit you both.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- Hopefully when the fog clears she'll no longer wish to move away. Repentence can completely shed her disgrace and you two can once again become upstanding members of your temple and an example to all.

Unfortunately or otherwise, we rent right now. However, we are only two months into a 1-year lease, so I can use that, somewhat.

Assuming we are starting real withdrawal, how do I get through it? Right now, she detests me, or at least it seems that way. All I want to do is steer clear cuz face-to-face just means immediate confrontation.

I remember detesting my H at one time. I don't know how he got through it. I'll try again to get him to come on here. He's been reading through your thread, but there's a lot to read and he doesn't have much time with work and all.

My best advice is to remember that it is the withdrawal speaking and not your wife. Take care of yourself and your children and try not to internalize anything that she says or does. It has very little to do with you.

I asked specifically about this at the time my H had asked OW to marry him. I was told that a temple marriage for them would never be allowed.

I am glad to hear that OM seems to be really going NC. Great news. Except that means your wife has been "dumped" and we all know how that feels. She likely thinks it's your fault somehow.

Stay strong. It is very difficult to watch your spouse pine for someone else. Hard to feel sympathy for their pain when it was self imposed and yours is so severe.

I would have never thought a marriage could recover from a disaster like this, but it can. Our Ske. Pres. told me that I had changed eternity for my family by holding it together while my H thrashed around with his decision and withdrawal. I kind of liked that idea! My childrens lives are all the better that we were able to stay together. They have not been told about OC and only my oldest son knew about the A. Some day they will be told, but since we are NC with OC and they live far away, there wasn't any need. At least that is what i thought was best.

We moved away from the ward/current area about 1-1/4 years after D-day. My H had been reinstated and it was best for everyone for a fresh start............at least I thought so. For my H, it was the greatest thing that could have happened. For me, all the turmoil had finally settled and I had lost all my support and I became very depressed and angry. Overall, it was still good, but not so easy as I had thought.

But Mr. W is right. It was a great project for the both of us (even if you don't actually do it). To plan our new life and a new start. That was wonderful.

As I said earlier, snooping hurts.

Lousy OM came up to his empty house today and wrote WW an e-mail talking about how he was looking around and crying. So WW meets up with him and, well, yeah. Unbelievable. Even now, it still hurts every time this happens, although its now more anger than heartache.

WW went out with friend tonight (absolutely confirmed, I set up the dinner and confirmed with friend, she's on my side). While WW was out I was so angry that I called the OM up. Didn't tell him anything about e-mails. Didn't even hint at it. Instead I asked him what he was planning on doing with my wife cause she was heartbroken the whole day. And then I asked him: "you know, I left my house this morning and my wife was sobbing. I come home tonight and she's smiling and happy. My experience has been that this only happens when you and her get together. Did you see each other today?" Long pause. And then the OM confesses, though not to the sex and I didn't care to ask, it was implied in the e-mails tonight. Anyways, I then laid in to him about how crappy he must feel now that his kids are gone. And then I asked him, is that what you want me to feel? You want me to lose my kids too? Because if you keep this up that's what's going to happen. You are not only going to steal away my wife, but my children too. I did this over and over again for 45 minutes. I told the little jerk to walk away, do the right thing and give my wife and I the chance to heal. If she wants to divorce, then let it be on her own terms, but it can't happen while he's around. It sounded at some points like he was crying, particularly when we talked about his kids. I know that's his weak point so I tried to hit it over and over. I don't know if he got the message or not but I left no doubt that I was going to fight this to the bitter end.

The little [censored] is just a complete and total, gutless, brainless [censored]. And my WW is just his...grrrr I want to say it but I won't.

WW is going to see counselor tomorrow. Late in the evening, so I get to drive her there, thank goodness. Don't want to leave her alone at all.

This is so consistent with this whole process. Every time it seems like something good is about to happen, everything falls apart, again and again. I feel like I'm becoming conditioned to be continually disappointed.

My take is you need to stop talking to the OM. He's not your friend, he is not a friend of the marriage. All he's feeling right now is he needs your WW to support his sorry rear end for getting kicked out of his house.

Surely there is more to it than not talking to OM again?

Do I understand this correctly? Your wife and OM had sex yesterday? Your post is a little obscure. I'm so sorry if this is indeed what you are saying.

��Instead I asked him what he was planning on doing with my wife cause she was heartbroken the whole day. And then I asked him: "you know, I left my house this morning and my wife was sobbing. I come home tonight and she's smiling and happy. My experience has been that this only happens when you and her get together. Did you see each other today?" Long pause. And then the OM confesses, though not to the sex and I didn't care to ask, it was implied in the e-mails tonight. Anyways, I then laid in to him about how crappy he must feel now that his kids are gone. And then I asked him, is that what you want me to feel? You want me to lose my kids too? Because if you keep this up that's what's going to happen. You are not only going to steal away my wife, but my children too. I did this over and over again for 45 minutes. I told the little jerk to walk away, do the right thing and give my wife and I the chance to heal. If she wants to divorce, then let it be on her own terms, but it can't happen while he's around. It sounded at some points like he was crying, particularly when we talked about his kids. I know that's his weak point so I tried to hit it over and over. I don't know if he got the message or not but I left no doubt that I was going to fight this to the bitter end.��

About the worst thing you can do was to tell this to the OM. You empowered him. You told the OM who bad your WW is missing him. You gave the OM the motivation to keep pursuing your WW. Especially that the OM has her knocked up.

You also came across as weak, needy, begging for your WW. You reaffirmed that WW can�t walk away from the OM. That OM has to be the strong one. Not your WW or you.

You have told the OM if he is persistant in persuing your WW he has a good shot at getting her. Whether this is true or not this is what your words have told the OM.

This is why it is usually bad to contact the OM. If the OM cared he about you he would of not had unprotected sex with your WW and get her pregnant.

The OM does not care about what you do or fear you.

If she had sex during this pregnancy, she should be ashamed of herself. For someone with such a high number of miscarriages, she has no business behaving that way.
But I really am less concerned about your wayward wife and her wayward OC right now.
Who is taking care of your kids when you shuttle her around to this counselor. I say let her drive herself. You start bonding with those kids. They need you a lot more than WW.
It might also be time for a dark, dark plan B. She's not gettin' it.

And really, your church members really need to step up more. I mean isn't that what that community is for? They're not just there for the good times. These people witnessed your marriage, possibly. They watched your children grow in the church. They need to "bring the wood" and start crashing on WW's head. This includes leaders and members alike.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I agree that it is time to stop talking to the OM. You may have considered him a friend at one time, but he is definitely not a friend to you or your M.

I think right now you need to focus on taking care of yourself and your children. How are your children doing? Who is watching them during the day while the OM is banging your WW? Sorry to be so blunt and obscene, but this has to be affecting them. It really concerns me that you haven't spoken with them about this yet. I think it's time for you to tell your kids what's going on. They need to know what their mother is doing isn't right before she moves you out and attempts to move OM and their "new daddy" in. They need to hear the truth from you, not your WW's justifications for why what she is doing is right and okay. What she is doing isn't right or okay.

I think the call was fine as getting OM to end it is the best chance you've got to end it. OM already KNOWS he's got your wife wrapped up...you didn't give him any new information. Telling him to end it and HOW (as waywards never know how) is good. Especially, considering they were trying this "take a few month break" plan which obviously FAILED miserably. These waywards need direction and you certainly can't go to your wife so OM is the next best step. I do hope he'll do it but regardless he'll feel even more guilty if he doesn't which will prompt him to walk away sooner than later. Lots of OM's throw in the towel...WW's, not so much.

Sometimes it's OK to keep your enemies close...especially while the war rages. Inevitably, it will become unhealthy FOR YOU, but not yet. You appear close to breaking him.

On the other hand, you may want to back off calling OM as he's now isolated. His wife and kids are gone so giving him ANY conversation is giving him something. Let him rot.

Tough spot....we are praying for you.

Mr. Wondering

I don't think OM is breaking and contact with him last night may have furthered his resolve - an e-mail to WW this morning suggested as much. I hate this guy. I really do need to stop all contact.

Cell phone is blocked. She used my BB yesterday but I changed the password there, so that's out. Right now all communication is through an e-mail address which she doesn't know that I know about. And i have a keylogger installed to catch any new addresses. Land line can't be blocked - don't even know why i have a land line...i should just disconnect the thing.

Other than that, I'm running out of ideas to keep these two separated short of me packing up and moving out of state. But that only works if WW wants to end the A, which she doesn't.

This sucks.

I need to tell the kids, I know. Need to figure out how to do that properly. I think WW is starting to manipulate my daughter.

However, at this point, do I just wait for this thing to die a natural death? That's going to be painful...

You need your lawyer to handle this, IMO. Your wife needs to be served with papers. She is still banging this guy? She is really messed up.

We warned you that if you don't tell the kids, the wayward will paint a different story and beat you to the punch. DO IT NOW.
"Married mommies don't date other men. Married daddies, like the OM, don't date other mommies. You mommy has committed adultery, which is wrong in the eyes of God. She WILL suffer her own consequences, but that has nothing to do with your future. I will always be here to love you and support you, and I hope that mommy someday realizes that she has committed a sin and comes back to us."
Make "mommy" realize that you're not going to give the kids up easily. Lawyer up, or you'll be regretting that mistake, too.

Block the email address and cut the land line. Don't let them communicate with one another, especially if OM is moving far enough away that your WW just can't pop by.

Look they're going to communicate, even if it means just physically sharing bodily fluids like they did the other night.
It has to be WW's choice to go NC. You can't force it on her, short of locking her in a cage. And even then, as soon as she escapes, she's back to riding bareback with the POS-OM.
She needs some CONSEQUENCES. NOW.