Jenkins...

You're begun Plan A...please let us know what Plan A is to you...what kind of list you gave her...

Also, be consistent. If you believe your WW has a mental illness (and everyone is correct that the wayward mindset is soooo similar to PDs very difficult to separate...just that the wayward mindset really can be changed by the person), then you have all the children with you, correct?

Sounds like you have a blended family...one DD together and others from previous marriages? Very important that YOU have the children while separated and set up visitation schedules...because if you aren't safe to be in a relationship with her, then for SURE the children are not.

And waywards are awful to their children...I'm living proof. All the gaslighting, attention approval crud shoves them under...it's the IMAGE of mother I played to...did not truly "do" mothering in a healthy way.

Until I did. When I stopped...don't do that to the kids. Have you exposed her affair? Is the list you gave her what you are holding yourself to, boundaries around you and your behavior?

Nothing, to me, sends a more gaslighting message than "You're toxic, but here, raise my kids." Abandonment...and waywards are already justifying everything with very little evidence...so, "I must be safe enough to raise his kid, then he's the problem."

Consistency is key...brings reality, disrupts the fantasy...consistent respect, healthy boundaries, ownership and O&H on YOUR part, can change everything.

You may be just up against the issue where you both came together for the dance you did...and since you changed your steps, she may seriously not want to be with you because you aren't meeting her unhealthy ENs...doesn't mean she won't grow and change...means that you better stay consistent in NOT feeding her the unhealthy stuff...moderation, awareness and determination is what you need.

All of which is part of your personal recovery...from her infidelity. I really hope your therapist is working on your ownership, your power, embracing your limits...so you can heal all the way through, even if marital recovery doesn't happen.

I bring this up because I saw you as frazzled from your responsibility to verify NC...which is you not doing your part, temporarily. It's not forever, not done obsessively...you set up a plan to make sure you verify and taper off...what a healthy, real partner does from love and respect; for The Marriage and themselves.

All things are possible through Him...I agree. Human change is a choice. Actually, many choices...each day. Have you begun Alanon meetings in the last year and half, since you're married to an addict?

LA

The list of requests I gave her were to get rid of her Blackberry and downgrade to a phone with no applications, messenger and e-mail that can be accessed by myself from my laptop. No texting any men, no phone calls to any men outside of her work. I have access to all her e-mail accounts and have passwords, no facebook, myspace, etc. I also asked that if she ever feel the need to go outside of our marriage for attention of if she felt the urge to have another affair, to come to me and talk about those feelings.

As far as the kids go, we are separated and have a court order in place. She is resistant to my requests because she sees it as control on my part. I am in therapy and have been for sometime. I am aware of what I need to work on and have been, and will continue to do so.

I am not frazzled as to wondering if she has no contact with the other man. I believe she has stopped. I do check her email and phone records from time to time, but have found this tiresome. I have no desire to be a detective. And I am not in alanon and dont see it in my near future.

Good job, IMO. Take care of yourself and kids.
Been to Al-anon. While it does help to talk to others and it does seem to preach detachment, long term detachment leads to emotional starvation. I think detachment is a preliminary step allowing you to gather strength and see things more clearly. As a lifestyle, however, it would be lonely.

Well the WW told me tonight that she will not give up her Blackberry, that she "likes it." I told her that I accepted her decision to keep her phone. I told her that I feel that she is choosing the phone over her marriage and myself. I also told her that it was a deal breaker and I could no longer be with her. I feel conflicted and terribly hurt.

Do you pay for the blackberry bill?

If so...shut it down. She wants it...she can pay for it.

Don't those things generally required a hefty monthly airtime/internet charge?

Maybe just shut down the internet access...if you can.

Mr. W

Cut off financial support of anything associated with assisting in the affair.
Hold the line, expose like crazy, and keep your chin up.

It's very important that you did this. She has to understand the effects as well as her repercussions.

You didn't answer, I think: Do YOU pay the phone bill? If so, cut it off now!

Worth repeating:

No,she pays the bill or else I would shut it off. She says I am trying to control her and have her under my thumb.

Yep.

That's called a CONSEQUENCE.