Married for 3 years. Involved with 10 and 7 yo girls been the only Dad to the 7yo and the only 'effective' dad to the 10yo. Both call me 'Daddy'. My children are 16 and 12 yo boys and while not the main issue, think of and treat the girls as sisters. Our children get along about as well as you could hope for with normal sibling strife.

I am unsure how to go about maintaining a relationship with the girls during a separation. They will need me, but I am not sure she would even let them see me anyway if I ask her to leave. Whether she would blame me for 'kicking them out' or smooth it over, I don't know. I want to be part of their lives, but I suspect that if we ever did separate, she would be hesitant. I don't want to 'abandon' the girls, but obviously would have no legal power to maintain a relationship. I also, don't want to turn into the 'go to baby sitter' for her life to be made easier.

As far as I know, my wife is NOT having an affair, although I cannot completely rule it out. The decision for separation is based upon distrust and neglect. She won't engage with me in this marriage as an adult, she won't discuss problems, she won't go to counseling, and I have tried and failed the 'just be happy' way of her choice. She has essentially completely disregarded almost all my ENs, although lately she has been much more Affectionate, which was wonderful. Up until I found out she was advertising herself on an adult site, all while ignoring me sexually. So this Plan B is really a last ditch attempt to preserve our marriage and to preserve my sanity.

She has a house rented, so I am not throwing them out in the cold. She has some money. Money IS an issue, but not in the way you might think. Unfortunately, Money has allowed us to remain married despite our differences, because it gives her an avenue for 'self medication' in my opinion. One thing she wrote online, was on an adult website, looking for someone 'to help her feel alive'. She has no job, and I am unsure how to deal with this problem. I could certainly support her, but that goes against the whole principle of Plan B. AND it simply gives her the freedom to do whatever, with me still providing the finances to continue. HOWEVER, legally, I think that I would be required to provide 'maintenance' up until divorce. I have not spoken to my lawyer yet.

My question is about money and her children. I would like to not give her a thing, and let her see what it is like completely without me. I do believe she completely takes me for granted as both a husband and a man. And while losing me as a husband might be hard, she could molify the situation with the money, should that become the case. IMO. So... how should I address money? Legally of course, but if legal is not the issue then how?

I could give her nothing, which might make her see me as good or an evil [censored]. I would actually LIKE separation to spur her into working on herself and our relationship. I see these people on here who say they 'saw the light' when Plan B was initiated. I don't have alot of hope, but given our situation, I do provide alot (more than money) and am actually very good for both her and the girls, so there is a chance. If I give too much however, it simply justifies her behavior and softens the blow of losing me (which is the most likly thing IMO).

Also... what about the girls? Losing me would be like losing their Dad completely. I AM their dad in all aspects. I don't want to hurt them in ANY way and they are both at critical times in their development. Even if we ended up getting divorced, I would want to be something to them. HOWEVER, I don't want to be her babysitter. I could be with them WITH HER, but then again, Plan B removes me.

In reality, I want her out of my life, with the hope that she would want to return to it as a loving wife. I know that she has it deep inside her. I saw it when she was dating me. She just became incredibly defensive when all the sudden, we were married, and she didn't have total control of everything and everyone. When she had to be responsible TO someone not just FOR someone. I just kept thinking that if I just remained strong, she would break down that wall and let me in. She would find how much easier it would be to be loving and kind than negative and aggressive. It just isn't happening.

If she wants to keep her walls up, then she has to do it without me. I love her, and I would learn to love her exactly the way she needs me to be, if she would only engage with me and work as a loving adult wife. I could blow her doors off if she would join with me. But I am not ignoring my ENs or the neglectful anger towards my children any longer.

I must do something different, and all my Plan A has run out. I have tried to talk, gone to counseling, etc etc etc. I see now that there is no chance for change without drastic change. I thought about an ultimatum for counseling etc, but I have somewhat stated that before, and although she barely followed, she quickly quit, and we dropped back to neglect.

I tried to help her understand... but instead of using flour and honey in the recipe... she wants to throw in a handful of sawdust and bacon grease and have the same result. I don't understand it... and can't be ignored any longer.

First, if she chooses to move out, DO NOT PAY FOR ANYTHING!. If she feels like she doesn't want YOU, she doesn't want YOUR MONEY.

Second, you have her address. Start sending the girls regular letters. Separately. Let them see that you are not abandoning them. Tell them about the house, the pets, the boys, your work, your day...anything and everything. It's possible she will interrupt the letters, but you can't control that.

Ask for visitation. In fact, don't ask. Just ASSUME you will get visitation, as they are your daughters in almost every sense of the word.

Regularly invite them to outings with the boys as a family. Wife can come (if you're not in Plan B) or not.

Send them birthday presents, the kind she can't refuse, like those fruit/chocolate bouguets (or get creative).

Finally, if she makes it really difficult, consult a lawyer. It's possible if you've been together that long a judge may determine you deserve legal visitation.