You see my wife doesn�t know if she wants to stay married or go off on her own. ........ I still completely love my wife and want to save the marriage, it is hard knowing what she did but I want to get over it and move on building a stronger relationship than before.

I feel it's not my place

CC,

Everyone has the right to privacy. We close the bedroom door when we change clothes. We lock the door to the bathroom when we take a shower. We all have this right.

What you wife seeks is NOT privacy, but SECRECY. She does not need to be able to talk with OM without your knowing about it since if she had nothing to hide in the conversation she should have no problem with you sitting right beside her. The same applies to her emails with him. If she is not planning the destruction of your family she should have nothing she should fear from your reading what she emails him.

She has a right to privacy. She has no right to secrecy in undermining your life together, and make no mistake, this is what is taking place in secret.

As far as exposure is concerned, Dr Harley has suggested that future editions of SAA might include information on just that subject. The purpose of exposure is not retribution but an attempt to circumvent the WS's tendency to unfavorably spin the situation when they talk to friends and family. To see this you only have to look at what she has already tried to tell you is her reason for this affair. She is painting you with broad strokes as being the bad-guy and the REASON for her affair with this OM.

By letting those who might be in her circle of influence what is really going on two things are hoped for. First is that people like her parents, friends who might also be friends of the marriage and others will exert influence on her to end her affair and recommit to the marriage. The second is to avoid having her make you the bad guy while she comes off as vindicated in her affair. She WILL spin this to others given much of a chance.

But exposure also puts pressure on the affair in another way. That is it brings the affair into the light of reality. Affairs thrive in secrecy and in the realm of fantasy where no reality needs to be considered by either of the affair partners. They each seek a life with the other that is merely what they have created in their own minds, one in which they will live happily ever after and even you and the kids will thrive, since the affair partner's happiness is all that matters.

Exposure bursts this bubble by manifesting the cost of the affair. The real cost now has to be weighed against the real value and even infidels have a hard time balancing a fantasy with no merit against the destruction of family, the loss of friends, the support of parents etc. Your greatest allies in this fight are the BW or GF or even other family members of OM. If his wife is threatening to take away his pension and 20 to 50% of all that he earns for the next 20 years or so, it can put a real damper on his desire to continue pursuing your wife.

The best way to go about exposure is to do it all at once in a nuclear holocaust that suddenly turns everyone against the affair all in one giant tsunami of truth. Compile a list of exposure targets, get names addresses, phone numbers, emails etc and gather as much intell and proof as you can regarding the affair and it's simple existence. You don't need court approved evidence. Circumstantial evidence, email trails, notes, documented clandestine meetings, phone records etc are sufficient. Then let it all loose at once.

When you expose you can expect one thing for certain. That is a tantrum the likes of which no 2 year old has ever been able to sustain for even a full minute. She will not be angry; she will be livid! She will call you names you didn't know she knew. She will tell you that she was thinking of giving the marriage another try but now you blew it. She will claim you are someone who cannot be trusted (I always laugh at this one, the unfaithful one talking of trust issues with the faithful spouse) and will say things that would make a sailor on leave after 6 months at sea blush in disbelief.

You can pretty much ignore all that...

In fact, if you can ignore every word, you'll save yourself a lot of grief and wasted energy trying to justify to her why you are fighting to save your family.

I would also suggest that the more things she says that sound like you have destroyed her life by exposing, the more likely you are to end up still married to her in the end. It means she has to resort to bullying and threats in order to get you to back off and let her continue the affair in peace. It means she wants you and OM, at least for right now and is not willing to give up OM but is not certain the cost of losing you is worth what she will get by leaving.

Small chance she will walk out and never return, but if that happens, it was going to happen anyway. And when I say small, I mean so small as to be statistically insignificant for all intents. If she wanted to be gone, she'd be gone. She isn't sure she wants OM, she's auditioning him as a replacement for you. She won't let go of you till she knows she's getting a good deal. She wants and expects you to sit by while she makes up her mind. She wants to compare you with him at every level, including in the sex department. Make the cost more than she can afford.

If you want more input, start a new thread or have the mods move this one to the Surviving an Affair forum.

Some Plan A and B stuff and a summary of MB basics can be found in my "musings" thread and Trouble Shooting and Repair links in my sig line. Begin on page one and look for links, some of which may still not work. Skip what does not apply or does not interest you.

I am guessing you have already read the posts pinned to the top of this forum. If not be sure to read Longhorn's thread and WAT's quick start guide. Look for the link to BP's tool kit in my musings thread.

Mark
_________________________
Musings From Mark
mbmark1952@yahoo.com

How can we change this? I don�t want to be just friends with my wife, I want to feel her love like I did before all this happened. I know there was some needs of hers (Helping around the house, recreational stuff) that I wasn�t meeting and I have changed that. Has any of you gone through this? Can anyone give me the answers that will help me get down the right path?

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.