It's been at least 9 years since I last posted. Brief history below:
Married 20 years
OC born 2000
attempted contact for about a year, too much drama.
OC now 10 and wants to know dad.

And of course I have mixed emotions. SO many buried hatchets and old wounds that I have to examine to make sure I'm really healed.

Any advice?
Oh BTW, we've had three beautiful children since then, two boys and a girl!

Hi! We began C with OC at age 4 and it has been hard. I cannot imgaine starting at age 10. Do your children know about the OC? What does your H think about C? What about you?

Are you the WH or WW?

Does your spouse know?

What does spouse have to say?

Well,
My oldest child may remember her but I'm not sure. After my H deployed to Iraq several years back I stopped contact w/ OW and OC since it was way more than I wanted to deal with while he was away.
But after yet another deployment and two additional children of our own, we're just getting our lives back together again.
He wants contact because I think it bothers him to not know how OC is doing.
Me, that's a different story. I'm relying on my memory of what I felt back when we tried contact. The emotions and anger were so RAW back then. I've healed quite a bit, and I'm not as anxious about it now as I was back then.
I'm torn, I'd love for H and OC to have contact and for her to meet her siblings, but, well, the only thing I committed to with my H is that I'd be honest about my feelings. I'm not going to play the martyr role this time, too much at stake and I have to be a sane mom for my own children.
So, we'll see.

Sorry, I wasn't clear...
My H was the WH. THe OC (w/ her mom's permission) contacted him the other day. I think he wants to be a dad to her, but my main concern is that it will push our relationship to the brink eventually.
We're already at the limit w/ three kids...ages 8, 5 and 4. We both work full time, and he has another 6-8 months on a military (army reserve) obligation. So I can't imagine trying to factor in any regularly scheduled visits on top of what we're already doing.

I almost feel like if push comes to shove and we're really falling apart with what we have going on in our own home, I'll have to play bad guy and insist on less, or even no contact.

Perhaps you can argue that you are not really ready to deal with that yet and delay contact for at least one more year.

Just a thought.

Is there CS being paid?

Is the OW married?

Is there NC between WH and OW?

Tuff one to call. Problem if OW pushed OC for it. Better if it was OC's own idea.

Hard to tell a child it can't see it's dad.

The only way to have C for the dad and the OC is to set up child exchange where NC is maintained between the WH and OW.

Such as have the OW drop of OC at WH's parents house and then leaves. You and WH go together to pick up OC. Important for the both of you to go together incase OW tries anything to break NC.

Also important for the neutral 3rd party to not relay anything about OW to WH. Just necessary info for the care of the OC.

Reverse is done, dropping off the OC before the OW shows up at WH's parent's house. NC between the affair partners must be maintained.

Otherside,

Here is where the policies of joint agreement, POJA, and radical honesty really and I mean really come into play.

You and your H need to sit down and be really honest with one another and work on a plan that makes both of you winners. I nor anyone else here knows your full situation but here are a few things I would be talking about if I were you. You may find other points far more important.

1. I would want H and OC to have contact.

2. I would want MY family to be first in his heart and mind.

3. I would want someway to avoid the feelings of sacrifice when H meets with OC and possibly OW.

4. I would want my H to feel comfortable in this situation.

5. I would want our children to not be deprived from their Dad, his time and focus.

6. I would consider another child in the family a blessing, but this blessing should not come at the cost of the marriage or my children.

7. I would want my H to make a plan as a starting point to address these thing and then with his agreement devise a plan that is a win-win-win. He wins, I win, our children win. That should be the goal and unless his plan is devised and approved there would be no real contact.

These are just a few ideas but you and your H need to protect this marriage, your children, and then include OC in your life IF it can be done with no damage to all concerned.

Just my thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

Hello Otherside.
I dont know if my opinin will help as I am both an OC (mother had affair with married man and im the result) and also the BW (WH had affair a year ago but no OC resulting from A) so I can see the situation from all sides. I dont think its fair for you to be a martyr and sit back in a situation where you have been hurt so much already but having been abandoned by my father due to his wife not coping with my exsistance i can also sympathise with OC.
I know this board encourages NC between WH and OW but is it even a possiblity that you and OW can go to family thereapy together to set boundaries of contact with OC? However much harm she has done i would like to think that she is capable of putting daughters feelings first and agree to strict boundaries like NC with your H, all contact to go through you or appointed third party. As far as your own feelings and what the contact between OC and H may cause you I would strongly suggest that you keep an open and honest line of communication open between you and H about this. He has to be strong enough to handle your fears and worries if this arrangment is to work. As i said i dont know if im breacking any Dr H rules with my point of view but im 28 now and have never had a father and although im not devastated by that it has effected me throughout my life in one way or another.

Outside,

OC now 10 and wants to know dad.

As an OC I can tell you there is a strong biological urge with some of us, myself for example, to know where we came from. I feel that my life will always be unsettled, I am my adoptive parents son, but I am not. I am my biological parents child, but I am not.

This contact with OC however: is your husbands responsibility and he should be responsible for the logistics not you, as you are as innocent in this as the OC and your children are.

God Bless
NJ

TheRoad,
Thanks for the great questions. He does, and has paid CS since she was born.
The OW is now married w/ a four month old baby.
I'll keep your other ideas in mind if we pursue this. I do want to be fair to OC. But want to protect my family as well.

Just Learning,
These are the things I wanted to say to him 9 years ago, but was far too angry, hurt and confused to do so. Now, I think we can both sit down with some objectivity (and yes, some maturity) and use the POJA to help us map this difficult circumstance out for everyone's benefit.
I sincerely don't want to deprive the OC contact, nor my H a sense of relief knowing OC is doing ok. I can even warm up to the idea of OC and our children having a relationship. But only with some proactive conversation.
Thanks again so much, you've give me a lot of good material to make forward progress without feeling like I have to sacrifice.

These are great points newjersey,
and I take them to heart, you see, two of my children are adopted as well, so, i'm trying to be sensitive and know that one day, they may take the same journey.

I'm certain God will continue to bless us. Just want to remain obedient without too much to tempt me into downright ugliness!!!

Was a DNA test done?

OW would not be the first OW to be seeing more than WH.

Was there a court order for CS?

OS,

It might be hard for you to believe, but when I went to seek out my biological families it had nothing to do with my adoptive parents, who were very good people. There was just an enormous piece of dark matter in my life I needed to shed light on.

One of the odder feelings I have as an OC is that I have committed fraud on my wife and children by giving them my legal last name. I can't say your adoptive children will ever feel that way, but it is good that you are preparing yourself emotionally for what may happen.

Do you have photographs and other information about the biologic families of your adoptive children.

God Bless
NJ

I may someday find myself in the same position as the OW in your case OS. My H and I are raising my OC. The OM is not a part of her life at this time. My OC is very young (13 mos.) but my H and I have agreed that we will tell her the truth about her biological father when we feel that she is old enough to understand. Our older kids already know, and I think my OC has a right to know as well.

As far as her desire to meet her biological father - I intend to leave that up to her. I don't know if she will want to meet him or not. If she does, I will do my best to support her in that.

I too was an OC. My mother was the OW and my father was married and had 3 children when I was born. I saw my father occasionally while I was growing up, but he was never a stable part of my life. I haven't had any contact with him since I was 14. I did finally get to meet my half-sister (my father's oldest child) when I was 24 and that was a wonderful experience for me. For much of the past 20 years, I haven't known my father's whereabouts. A few years ago, I finally found out where he lives. I've written him several letters, but I never sent them. For me, the need to know was outweighed by a desire to not bring up painful memories of the past. I guess I just really don't see the point in contacting him now. He is in his late 70's and has never expressed a desire to be a part of my life.

This is a difficult situation you are in. I think the most important thing is that you and your H agree on how you would like to handle it.

A ten year old child is way too young to be making this decision from a mature "I want to know where I came from" kind of place.

I would suggest that your husband have the child evaluated by a neutral but qualified third party like the school psychologist, screening for abuse.

The reason why I say this - a ten year old child might be curious, but if the dad in the home is a loving dad, curiosity is where it would stop. If OC is looking for a dad, which it sounds like she is, then her daddy needs are not being met. It's the age that concerns me.

If she were a teen, developing a sense of identity separate and autonomous from her parents, and there was abuse in her home, where her sense of self was not allowed to thrive (perhaps her step dad is struggling with your FWH's place in his family - even though he's not physically there, the fact that he's accepting money to parent this child might "stiff-arm" the relationship with this daughter) she might be trying to find the cuddly dad to help her find out who she really is. But she's not to that developmental stage yet.

Where she's ten or eleven years old, she may be noticing that she's being treated differently than her siblings - that's why a third party psychologist needs to be evaluating the situation. Because if she's not being abused, and your husband does get in touch with her, it makes it harder for her to stay in that home and it drives a wedge in their ability to "parent" her through her teens - she could easily manipulate this into a way to undermine parental authority at a time when she will need it the most.

You and your husband should talk with a counselor about these implications because it would be much healthier for the child to wait until she's 18, unless she's being abused and needs to be removed from that situation. If she's being abused, and that is discovered in this process, would you be prepared to take her in?

That's why KaylaA is so awesome!

I am intrigued by the dialogue in this thread. Question for those of you that ARE the OC.

I have not been able to have COM, had a perfect marriage, until my H got drunk, had a ONS and now has OC. (Lost my entire sitch when MB went down...UGH!!)

Anyway......

As of today, I CANNOT deal with OC. I want complete NC as this causes me an EXCRUCIATING amount of pain in addition to dealing with the ONS.

OW wants nothing from us (thank goodness, but am well aware this could all change tomorrow). H would like C with OC, but understands the pain this brings to me, so while we try to rebuild we are basically in NC with OC.

Here's my question. The way I am feeling today, I want to walk away (we will likely be moving 6 states away in the near future) and never look back. We will tell NO ONE of this EVER (only our parents and a few close friends know). I want OW to raise OC and I will pray she remarries and finds OC a good dad. I want nothing to do with OC.

Being the OC, how does/would the above make you feel? Be honest. Someone told me earlier that she and her FWH looked at ALL involved and the least painful situation for ALL involved was to go complete NC with OC. Although we know OC is likely to feel pain, as do we, I (we) think this is the best route for us currently.

BTW, please know that H asked OW if we could adopt OC and raise as ours, and she was selfish and said no. I could've done this....

We did not push her on this as we don't want to rock boat.

Thoughts???

OC's experience will depend greatly on the OW - much more than your WH.

The best solution for the child would be adoption by you and your husband; you're married; the child could be raised by two parents, instead of a single woman known to bounce from ONS to ONS.

If your husband insists on contact, and you want to stay married, he should sue for sole custody after having a PI document her habits and propensities during the pregnancy. If the child has already been born, this can still be done; the documentation of drinking, driving, endangering the child should easily prove parental incompetency.

Migs - you've wanted a child. This is HIS child. And you can get over your anger. I've seen it happen here. One dear hero here has TWO OCs that she and her husband have sole custody of - OW was a sleeze-ball and then some.

Explore the option. I love a lot of children who aren't mine. I'd take on any one of them in a heart beat if something happened where they couldn't stay in their home. They are not responsible for their parents' behavior!