It should be exposed ANYWAY. That is how affairs end, Op. It is the best weapon you have against the affair.

Read this article Dr Harley just wrote about exposure: When Should An Affair Be Exposed?

So you are still reading the emails.

Did you find out if the affair is still going on?

Did the OM know you were reading those emails?

If not then it was not a smart move to tip off the OM.

Also not a smart move to not of have exposed by now.

Exposure does not work as a bribe or a threat to end the affair. The WW will only say what ever you want to hear so you will not expose so she can protect her OM. And, more important she will keep on banging the OM.

You should of told the OM that you would not stay out of my marriage, my wife, yet you have the nevre to tell me to stay out of your life.

Man up. Expose to everyone now. Your WW and the OM are playing you for a fool.

The Road:
The affair is ongoing because they see each other every day. Whether it is a PA or an EA, the affair continues. EAs are often more powerful than PAs. The old unrequited love, thing...
SHE CANNOT WORK FOR HIM.
I'll say it again.
SHE CANNOT WORK FOR HIM.
That is a consequence of HER actions. HER lack of boundaries. It is not BH's fault.

SHL! What are you waiting for, he77 to freeze over? Because that's what will have to happen if you're waiting for your WW and her AP to decide to do the right thing. They're NOT GOING TO! What is it about that you don't understand?? Drop the bomb, NOW! (you can thank us later)

Get this right. It is not you problem that they set up the email that you could get access , but theirs,

I am sorry that you released the source of your information. This is a pity. Nevertheless, she HAS to stop working for this clown. A bonus here is that you have confidential information here which would embarrass his business.

He is trying to bluster his way out of his part of the affair. I do hope that you told him to beat it.

Ok, here is a quick update and a little news for those of you who are so blinded by your rage...

I have been speaking with my wife about the affair almost continually for the last few days.

Communication has always been the cornerstone of our marriage, and it always will be.

We have both done a lot of soul searching, and neither of us are fully innocent in the affair.

We had both decided to try to patch things up ourselves, by using some of the info on the MB site, and had both made quite a big step towards fixing our marriage.
We were both feeling pretty good about things and then I came to this forum, saw some suspicious E-Mails and drew all sorts of conclusions.

Because I had told my wife the lie that I had not looked at her E-Mails when she asked me if I had, I couldn�t confront her about them.

Yes, she had the affair and broke my heart and trust. I spied on her E-Mails and that wasn't justified!!! It was wrong. There is no way to justify it. End of story!

I didn�t even give her a chance to prove to me that she could be trusted. Instead, I just assumed that the affair was still on, and did everything to prove to myself that it was.

My wife is not like a lot of people out there. Once she makes her mind up, she generally sticks to it. She had told me that the affair was over, and I should have believed her, but couldn�t because of the broken trust AND because of what I had read here on this forum.

There is a lot of good advice here on MB, but I do think that the forum members need to do a little letting go of their anger, frustration and hurt, so that they can look past that to fixing things, instead of perpetuating them all the time.

I had a cricket practice yesterday morning with the team that the OM is captain of. He invited my wife and I over afterwards for the afternoon and to watch some rugby on TV.

We went, and things were a little tense at first, but I made it clear that I knew about the affair every now and then. We kept everything pretty happy go lucky, and my wife and I went home pretty late after enjoying a nice afternoon and evening.

When I woke up this morning, I went outside and picked some flowers from our garden and left them all around my wife in bed so she would see them when she woke up.

She was very impressed, and we spoke about things a little.

After the first really honest/emotional conversation since D-Day we both broke down and sobbed like babies and we apologized for the things we had done to each other that were wrong. She especially apologized for having the affair, and told me that she would quit her job and break off all contact because she could now see that even though her intentions are good, and that she intends to be faithful, that she can see that the affair will probably re-start some time in the future if she doesn�t break off all contact.

She also said that her faith in God had taken quite a big hit, and that she needs to get that sorted out, so she has decided to tell her pastor what has happened, so he can help her in that respect, so that she doesn�t have another break in her faith. I will be going with her for moral support because I know that it will be one of the most difficult things she will ever have to do. I think we will also ask him for some advise in the counseling area as well.

I know that a lot of you out there think I am some sort of coward, but in this case I do think that communication is far more powerful that exposing the affair to everyone around your wife.

The bottom line here is this�

Why did I marry my wife? Because I loved her. I still love her!
Why did she marry me? Because she loved me. She still loves me!

Does that sound too simple? Yes?

HELL NO!!!

What would be my motive behind exposing my wife (and believe me, I did come close)? It would have been to get back at her and to hurt her. Yes, I would have said that it was to make her friends look at her in disgust and to get the affair to end, but the real reason would have been to hurt and humiliate her, and she would have left me.

Whether she would come back to me after a little while is immaterial. What I would have succeeded in doing would to have been to push her back to him. They would have had a little bit more of their affair, and I would be heart broken all over again.

I doubt I would have taken her back after that if she had wanted to come back in the first place, so that would have ruined my marriage anyway.

Would it have been justified? No. Yes, she hurt me. Does that give me the right to hurt her? I bet you would all say �yes�, but I don�t agree.

I love my wife and I have forgiven her for having the affair. It is now time for us to communicate and to get to know how we can maintain our romance so that this doesn�t happen ever again.

If this can help anyone out there to repair their marriage without more hurt and pain and suffering than there already is, then I am happy.

To those of you who are so busy getting back at your WS, suck it up, COMMUNICATE, and get over yourselves so you can reconcile. I�m sure it will be a much faster and happier reconciliation. Stop being so stuck on how your spouse hurt you, and look at how you can build your marriage to the point of being unbreakable.

May the flaming begin...

OK, did I read this right? You play cricket with the OM AND went over to his house to watch rugby on TV? AND your wife has YOU feeling bad because of secret emails that SHE sent?

Have you ever heard of gaslighting? You really should read up on it.

AM

That is my point exactly.

The affair is over and both my wife and I are happy. Why should it be any other way? Because it will happen again? I doubt it.

I had a cricket practice with the team to see if I could play, and to see if I would enjoy it. That was the first and only time.

I don't play cricket with the OM, and I went to his house once. That's not happening again, unless I go with my wife to hand his work stuff back to him, so get over it.

Stop being so bitter and twisted and think for yourself.

No flaming here, SH! I'm very glad that the affair is over and you and your wife have entered recovery.

You have found a way to befriends with OM and accept his hospitality. I think it shows maturity that you and your wife can go to his house and socialise. I think that this is far better than having NC. I don't think that you should worry that your wife says that the affair will continue at some time in the future if there is contact. She seems very sure of her boundaries and coped well with visiting OM at his house the other day.

I agree with you that those of us who post offering other BSs advice do so out of blind rage. We have indeed perpetuated things by following Dr Harley's advice. Exposure and NC are no ways to end an affair and build a better marriage and neither should we EVER try to see private correspondence between our spouses and their lovers. That correspondence was meant for their eyes only, and it is breach of trust for us to insist on seeing it. It has nothing to do with our our marriages, which are about communication between us and our spouses. We have no right to know what are spouses say or said in private to their lovers.

I regret invading my H's privacy by reading his text messages. I seriously harmed my married by relying the messages to OWH. He confronted his wife and she was was seriously pissed at my H for breaching her confidence. She dumped him in anger, and that was not the way the affair should have ended. It should have been allowed to run its natural course.

Instead of spying and exposing, I should have listened to my H the first, second and third times he told me that the affair was over. I know it continued for 2 years without my knowing it, and then for another year while I tried to spy, but it would have ended by itself in a few years if I had just sucked it up, trusted him and COMMUNICATED with him. Talking and trust are the keys to ending an affair.

I hope Dr Harley reconsiders his programme in the light of what you have written - I know he reads the forums. He is rewriting his book Surviving and Affair and I think your advice should be its cornerstone.

Thank you for waking us all up to how harmful this forum is in the immediate aftermath of an affair.

Ha! I get it! This whole thread was designed to bring us to this conclusion and show us what sheep we are. I think you have challenged our thinking very nicely.

I'm away off to digest and learn.

Oh, so you don't know what gaslighting is.

Have you read ANY of Dr. Harley's books or articles? He has more than 30 years of experience conseling couples after affairs and gives very specific guidelines about how affairs must end and how to recover a marriage. You are currently setting yourself up for continued pain and no chance of recovery. But that is your call.... nothing there for me to get over.

I am confused by your post. Are you wanting us all to be happy that your wife gets to carry on her affair with her boss right in front of your face? What is the expression... denial is more than a river in Egypt.



AM

Hi again SHL,

This is a marriage BUILDING forum. We are not here because we have our own opinion to express. The folks here have been through the same circumstances as you have. They have used precisely the same words. They are here to warn you against you falling into the same pit that they fell.

I have NOT been betrayed, but I do share concern for all those people that have. You need to spend a little time with your wife to find out why she was tempted in the first place. NC is vital. You need to install a keylogger onto her computer to confirm it. As the folk here say: Trust but verify.

I am not sure that you share the same faith as your wife. Otherwise I would suggest that you both go to her pastor. If your wife has indeed been willing to break off contact, then I believe that this conforms to Biblical teaching and it is not necessary to expose the affair widely. Once contact takes place beyond NC do not hesitate to expose.

WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT RETRIBUTION. We are talking consequences. Only God brings retribution.

Oh SugarCane, thanks so much for this enlightening post. Goodness, I have been doing it wrong all along, reading MB concepts and attempting to follow them.

I should have been communicating more with my H. When he said he wanted to stay friends with OW, go to lunch, spend time together with her, looked for reasons to have professional contact when none was necessary, I should have gone with them and slapped on my happy face. Silly me.

Baaaa. Guess I was just one of the sheep. I look forward to Dr. Harley's book revision so I can correct all these mistakes I have made.

AM

Wow, you are all either so blinded by your anger, or just don't read all that well...

Read what I typed!

The affair is over!
My wife is currently quitting her job as I type and she will never see or speak or text or E-Mail him again. If that is not NC then please explain what is?

She knows that the reason she must do this is because the affair will only start up again if she doesn't, and she doesn't want to leave or lose me.

We are also going to see her pastor tomorrow so that we can begin counseling.

We will also be using most of the principles and tenets on the MB web site to help us strengthen our marriage so that this kind of affair will NOT happen again.

Got it?

I see that when you quoted my post, you left out the part where I explained that my wife is quitting her job and is never going to communicate with the OM ever again!

Nice going! Selective reading!

Got it. Last contact was somewhere in the neighborhood of 12 hours when you all sat around at OM's house having nice conversation. Definitely sounds like marriage recovery to me.

Still works for him

Better title: OM still working WW


"We have both done a lot of soul searching, and neither of us are fully innocent in the affair."

How is this?

Did you ask your WW to bang the OM?

Did you force your WW to bang the OM?

Did your WW choose to bang the OM on her own?

�Because I had told my wife the lie that I had not looked at her E-Mails when she asked me if I had, I couldn�t confront her about them.�

No you could of but should not of told her.

Why cut off your source of info to get your proof that WW was cheating on you?

�she had the affair and broke�. trust. I spied on her E-Mails and that wasn't justified!!! It was wrong. There is no way to justify it. End of story!�

Your WW has you wrapped around her finger. You were being harmed by your WW and had every right to use every means to find out how you were being harmed.

In the dictionary, the word door mat has your picture.

�I didn�t even give her a chance to prove to me that she could be trusted. Instead, I just assumed that the affair was still on, and did everything to prove to myself that it was.�

What did your WW do to prove the affair was over?

Has she given you access to her cell and computer?

Start using a cell that has real time GPS?

What has your WW done to rebuild your trust besides say trust me I not banging the OM any more?

You gave your WW your trust when you said your marriage vows. She broke that trust now, not you.
�She had told me that the affair was over, and I should have believed her�
Why should you believe her?

She said she would forsake all others before.

Is WW lying now or then or both?

�I had a cricket practice yesterday morning with the team that the OM is captain of. He invited my wife and I over afterwards for the afternoon and to watch some rugby on TV.�

You have learnt nothing on MB. Otherwise you would of cut the OM out of your lives and both gone NC with the OM.

The OM is laughing behind your back at how you will friend the guy that banged his WW. OM wants to keep your WW close. Close enough that in a moment of weakness on your WW�s part that he will get another go at her again.

�We went, and things were a little tense at first, but I made it clear that I knew about the affair every now and then.�

Oh yeah, you really told the OM off and have scared him away forever.

�We kept everything pretty happy go lucky, and my wife and I went home pretty late after enjoying a nice afternoon and evening.�

Yes you both went home happy. Because you are delusional and your WW keeps the OM in her life. WW keeps on getting her OM addiction fix.

�She especially apologized for having the affair, and told me that she would quit her job and break off all contact because she could now see that even though her intentions are good, and that she intends to be faithful, that she can see that the affair will probably re-start some time in the future if she doesn�t break off all contact.�

Talk is cheap. Can you afford to lose her salary then no need for WW to delay quitting.

�I know that a lot of you out there think I am some sort of coward, but in this case I do think that communication is far more powerful that exposing the affair to everyone around your wife.�

�The bottom line here is this��

Without exposure and NC the affairs usually restart with the old OM if he�s still interested. If not WW has learnt that you won�t do anything so she will just find a new OM.

�Why did I marry my wife? Because I loved her. I still love her!
Why did she marry me? Because she loved me. She still loves me!�
What does that have to do with you being a door mat, letting fear control you, refusing to expose or continue to snoop the affair is dead, and insist your WW is transparent so you can verify NC?

�What would be my motive behind exposing my wife�

WW has learnt that there will be no consequences if she was to cheat on you. WW has now learnt that you will do nothing so eventually she will cheat again.

OM has learnt that there will be no consequences if he was to bang your WW again. Eventually he will try to bang her again.

�and she would have left me.�

No WW�s threaten to leave if the BH is dumb enough to tip his hand before an exposure. WW�s also threaten after exposure that they were going to stay but now you exposed I�m leaving. Though WW�s don�t follow through on their threats.


�May the flaming begin...�

May the denial end.

Your post makes me think you need IC or are one big TROLL.

Hmm selective reading eh!

Read my post carefully. I am not trying to pick a fight. I am asking you to reread my words.

She also made an oath before God that she would be faithful. How did that work out for ya? She may well believe the words that she told you. Newsflash! An affair is an addiction. It makes liars of honorable people.

Thank you for the clarity that both of you are going before your pastor. This is good. She needs your support.

Whether you like it or not, you need to upgrade your experience of infidelity. Meditate on the concept of "Trust but verify"

Ok, you all say it is 24 hours blah blah since last contact.

How long am I supposed to dis-trust my wife?

30 years?

I have to start somewhere. The NC has started and unless I have reason to think otherwise I will believe my wife.

We have to start somewhere. If now is not the time and/or place, then when and where.

Can I change the title to "She NO LONGER works for him"?