I had been here several months ago but had to reregister with a new user name.
I only posted a couple times. I can�t seem to find the posts now.

Anyways short story my stbx is extremely controlling and emotionally abusive. I go to individual counseling and group sessions at the local women�s domestic violence center and it has helped some.
I feel like sometimes I cant breathe, like the soul has been sucked right out of me, and he continues to send messages through our children, and sometimes I feel like I�m sending my children into the war zone I left. He wants 50% custody and that is what he has now, as I�m out on a temporary order. He is not paying child support, he made one payment and we have to go back to court to set something up as there is a huge difference in our incomes, though he is self employed and well you know how that goes.
I have almost no self esteem, and sometimes I struggle if I can really do it without him like he�s always told me. Is it easier to just deal with walking on egg shells daily or is there light at the end of the tunnel? Sometimes I�m so happy and I just feel amazing knowing I�m not going to be called names and forced into doing thigns I don�t want to do. Theres no screaming and no name calling. No one watching what I eat, or each cent I spend, and hey I even have my own bills for the first time ever.
But then there are times I miss him terrible, yet I know deep down I miss what never was. What never could be, and it hurts. He now is father of the year and buys the kids everything and he does spend a lot of time with them. Why now? They say at the women�s center this will probably get old, and that typically men do this in the beginning. I�ve only been separated physically for a couple months, still in the process of a long divorce it seems since I was in the house for months and months after he filed.
I still find myself getting scared about what I can and cant do even though I�m not �with� him anymore. I can still hear him in my head.
So many people have helped me and I even find myself worrying that they will get in �trouble� for helping me by their spouses. Ugg I want those feelings to go away.
I am in my last semester of classes for college next semester and I�m a bit nervous as to finish on time would mean my dd would have to go to school 2X�s a week early. She�d be able to do homework and eat breakfast and they have games there by the boys and girls club but I worry he�ll say no, then what do I do????
And how long can a divorce go on? And child support and alimony. And truly I have no intention to take him to the cleaners, just enough to get by, until I graduate and can be self sufficient.
I don�t know maybe I�m asking too much? Is there a happy life out there when you are single?? I want my kids to see a strong woman, one who doesn�t let herself get stomped on emotionally. I want to feel good again. I�m working on it, I do all the things they say, journal, walk, etc. I guess I just get so scared when I find myself missing him so much. And I wish I didn�t have to do the 50/50 thing. Maybe it sounds horrible but he never cared for all these years, why does he care now? Yet my kids are eating it up because he hasn�t cared all these years??????????????
Sorry this is so long.............

Sounds like my ex to a tee. Don't know why I still pine away for him either. Woke up in panic attacks. But the truth is I worried more about what might happen when things were new, than I do now that my worst fears are realized. It takes time. I know you've heard that, but LET yourself be scared and cry. It's ok. Read "Divorce Sucks" or "Abandonment" or other books on post divorce issues. They help to fill the void. Soon you will be more into showing your kids the good time and attention that only you and your life can provide, and that will be a solice to you once you figure out exactly how to do that. You just can't feel good right now, but that's ok. Go through the motions for a while. Wright a wish list of things you would like to do that seem fun or inspiring to you, then cross the items off the list one at a time. For me it was hanging out on the porch with friends and cocktails (he didn't like "porch people") taking day trips to garden events or farms with the kids (he hated the great outdoors) and finding one place I felt safe going out to on my own when he had the kids and I didn't have other plans with friends. In my case, it was a walking distance tavern that has live blues every night. (You guessed it, he hated music of all types, especially blues.)

You'll get through this. Not as fast as you want it to, but as fast as it takes. I'm still getting through it over 6 months later, I still have those panic attacks, but it is SOOO much better than in the first few months. Good luck!