I remember that quote and he is so on the money with that one

@bestrongforyou You can do this. Plan A your butt off! Remember that out of all the Love Busters, angry outburst do the most instantaneous damage to your Love Bank. Keep that under control!

As far as the timing of admissions go, waywards are not thinking clearly. After my exposure to OMW, my FWW shouted "How dare you interfere in their marriage like this! I love you, but when you do things like this, I hate you. I hate you! I hate you!"

...then a few moments later...

"Now he'll probably never talk to me again!"

Yep, I can put two and two together to figure out the truth. They don't mean to, but unless they have a lot of practice hiding their waywardness, they'll reveal it to you. His actions betray him. Keep your head on straight, you can do this!

barnboy, thank you for your input

I seem to have the Lovebuster under control for a good few weeks now - when WH told me about his roadtrip yesterday I didn't blow up or anything - I wished him a great trip and that he really deserves a break.

Because the truth is - he has worked his butt off since the day I met him - this is something I never really appreciated - and I want him to know that being married to me doesn't have to mean that he can't enjoy himself.

If I have learned anything over the last few months is that not everything is black and white - there are a lot of grey areas too.

Whenever I am close to giving up in Plan A I am thinking of my kids and what a positive result would mean for them - and that makes it all worthwile.

I haven't told my friends and family about MB - for them I am "getting over it" - I feel it's easier this way - I feel like I am kinda working undercover

I think what I am trying to achieve in my behaviour towards WH is consistency - I was all over the place for the first few months and now it's different.

Yeah, my perspective eventually became "Plan A is for me". To learn how to keep my Love Busters under control. To learn how to better meet my wife's emotional needs. To learn how to state the truth -- particularly about how something hurts me or those around me -- directly, without apology, yet without engaging in disrespectful judgments or selfish demands. To learn my own needs and how they are best filled.

It's hard work, but worth it. Whether or not your marriage recovers, how valuable the skills will be in all your relationships! Reading "Love Busters" together with my FWW has actually helped us relate to our DD a lot better...

Egg Zak Lee!

Plan A is for the BS, not the WS. It it allows you to fix what you have control over, and that is YOU. It let's you work on becoming the spouse or your WS's dreams. It lets you identify your own ENs as well as his ENs. It focuses you on what is important and forces you to examine your own half of the relationship, which is 50% of the whole. As your half improves, it shows the WS that the whole can improve. It lets you disconnect from trying to FIX the WS and concentrate entirely on what you have under your direct control

Plan B is also for the BS and not the WS. It saves any love that might be left, preventing further withdrawals that comes from the hurt of the affair and lets you remove yourself from the drama the WS seems to be thriving on. It lets you begin to heal yourself and gain the strength you might need to begin recovery on the day the affair finally comes to an end.

Mark

I am just reading through Chai's thread and one thing she said struck me- my WH has said the same thing to me and that frightens me.

My Plan A was far too long (several months) during which time I became so frustrated that I did a lot of LBs. Then when I finally did go to Plan B, I broke it several times and again the frustration of continued contact caused me to LB even more. In the end, WH felt that too much had happened and that I would never let it go, so he basically Plan B'd me. Once the D started, it just took on a life of it's own and became a big snowball that couldn't be stopped.

I would like to suggest that many men feel like part of being married is being harassed by their wives, just like their mothers did; i.e., always being in the doghouse for something, and it's just a matter of can they do enough good to make it worthwhile? Does that make sense?

If you can find a way for him to realize that you, too, are doing work, you are dedicating yourself to a new relationship with him wherein you strive to hear and understand him - meet those ENs like admiration, etc. - it may sweeten the pot for him.

PLEASE Best, heed these words and remember the power of this information.

So often as BS's and I am as guilty as anyone, we are so in to dissecting EVERY LITTLE THING... This thing... would it do this. That thing...did it CAUSE that. and so on and so forth.

When I was involved in Plan A, and Plan B I did the SAME thing, but what I have learned is I was way far off in what I thought. WAY FAR OFF.

So, the part of learning that there is NOTHING you can to do CONTROL the OTHER person, only YOURSELF. So, both Plans are for YOU. Plan B is to protect you from the crap, the continued abuse, the ugliness of whatever they are involved in.

Maybe look at it like this. Would you try to talk or reason with someone who is drunk? Probably not. Don't try to reason with someone who is selfish, self-centered thinking stupid and out of their head...

Hey, that's my WH you are describing here to a T How did you know ?

Thanks Queenie

catperson, I never thought I was a dragon at home - but you never know maybe I was a little
I will take on board what you are saying - I think Admiration is an EN I have never really paid any attention to until now - I thought he knew I was admiring him without saying it. I was wrong in that regard.

I had a conversation with him in June shortly before he broke it off and I said to him: " you never quiet found your match at work haven't you? - meaning he never in all this years found anyone who he thought matched his abilities - he tried to deny it but I could see I had hit the nail on the head. He felt flattered

Don't have to be a dragon. I think all it takes is NOT flattering them, lol. I think men need more affirmation than women do. And if we neglect the admiration, they start to take everything we say as criticism.

And you can never over-flatter a man.

What?

I have a question - WH is still abroad working - we are in week 6 which was supposed to be only 2 weeks originally.
Anyway we had a few good phone calls - no sign of anger anymore from his side - light conversation i.e. he would mainly call to tell me that he got another weeks work and I would jump at the chance to make a conversation out of it.
Now I am also sending texts occasionally - he seems to respond only to the general ones though - very polite - I sent him a text asking how his few days off went(he went to Romania with a friend) and got no answer. It seems like he is keeping me at a certain level and that's it - is that normal for a WH in fog and probably still involved with other women?

How can I dig deeper without being shot down by him?

I think what I am dreading more then his anger is him being indifferent towards me

Ok, so he responded to that text too today maybe I should learn a little patience

I met up with the parents of my sons godmother today who know WH and myself for years and were at our wedding too - they are shocked and surprised to say the least about what has happened.
When I mentioned that WH laid all blame on me her dad wasn't surprised - he says that WH is just justifying his actions, thats all. They say it's still early days and not to give up just yet - that the temptation abroad is huge, especially in the line of work WH is in - have to agree here with Dr. Harley

Such a crap day - to say the least - we were at mass this morning - my youngest DS is doing his communion in May and is doing his preparation right now - all I could think throughout the entire mass - WH should be here - I was close to tears all morning

Then I come home and discover that I have lost my Lasercard so I got it cancelled.

Then we are having a leak coming through the kitchen ceiling - a leftover of our bathroom remodelling - as WH doesn't care about the house anymore I texted his brother - what else am I supposed to do???

And finally WH got a new flat in Hungary - so much to being finished with that stupid country.

I think I just go to sleep - might be safer

New day, positive thoughts - enough with the pitty party

Have decided to stop wallowing in self pitty and continue in Plan A - I don't know why I was so down lately - have made progress - I am still working on myself and have turned bad communication between me and WH around so should be proud of myself - if you see me post negative posts again feel free to

bestrong, when my dad left so he could go out and scr#w as many women as he wanted (his words), my mom was a nurse for a doctor, who barely paid her minimum wage. We were so poor we ate macaroni or rice nearly every day for 5 years. But she was determined to keep our house (that dad paid for with his engineer salary, but she had to keep paying for cos he 'couldn't afford to help') until I graduated. Our air conditioner leaked in the second floor and she couldn't afford to fix it. Finally, it just fell through the roof, into the first floor living room. It stayed there for months, until she could save up enough money to fix it.

Our lawn mower broke, so we'd go months without mowing. Once, a neighbor kid came by and asked me if he could mow our yard for us - the neighbors were getting tired of looking at our yard. I was so ashamed I went out with our little bush clippers and clipped the whole yard by hand.

And yet, my dad still visited, once every few weeks, to take me out. His version of time with me was to take me to the mall, buy me a coke, and we'd sit there and people watch. About as cheap a date as you can get.

And all that while, while he saw the house falling apart around our feet, literally, he never offered to help one little scrap. Nothing. That house - a brand new house when we moved in when I was 8 - eventually got condemned and torn down, it fell apart so badly.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm trying to show you that it could be a lot worse. And that we can survive things we never dreamed we could. But after all of it, my mom was SO glad she didn't take him back when he asked. She didn't have to compromise her principles just to have a man in her house.

We didn't have any family in our state - all back east. So don't be afraid to call on your family and friends when you need them. Unless it becomes habitual, people like to help other people.

It will get better, whether he stays in your life or not.

catperson, I was pretty down yesterday - this is how it goes at the moment - up one moment, down the next.
I am doing better then months ago - even without him - just incidents like the leaking water set me off - it's not that I can't organize it - I just get angry in that moment that he left without the house fully finished - it's not his brother's job, it's his really.

WH rang yesterday - had a nice conversation again - I am still leading the conversations but at least he is starting to respond again - it's not like pulling teeth anymore as it was at the start.I just think I should do more somehow to draw him closer to me/us.He is still in Hungary and got a new smaller flat - it's looks like he will work there indefinitely on and off.
I am just not sure what to do next.

It looks like I have good control now on Lovebusters or should I say no Lovebusters and we don't have to deal with his anger anymore either.

Any advice appreciated