About 4weeks ago my WH asked for divorce and that was 2 1/2 months after he left me for a women 21yrs younger than him. We live in Florida and it is a no fault state and I don't have to sign for him to file so to protect myself because he was getting ugly I agreed to a divorce and it will be a simple dissolution of marriage where we will seperate everything ourselves, which means I get the house and my bills and he gets his truck and his bills and that is all he gets and I won't have to pay him anything else including alimony. The thing is this is happening too fast. I don't want a divorce but I have no choice. He lost his job because of her, they worked together, and now he makes $11/hr and she makes about $8/hr. She left her husband in April and lives in income based housing and he moved in with her at the end of July, he couldn't afford to live on his. She also has 2 toddlers and she has no education. I am hoping that if this divorce does go through that reality will set in a lot faster. As I has said before, I do not want this divorce and I would like to reconcile with my husband, but don't know what else to do.

BW-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW-her 26yrs
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 21yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 found phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009

My heart breaks for you. My husband left me for a younger woman also, and we have two young children. He moved in with her immediately. The fact is that anyone who can change so quickly from a devoted wife to another woman isn't someone you want to be with. I don't want a divorce either. But I know there can be no future for us anymore. It's so hard to look in the mirror after such an ego blow. But hoping that your husband will come to his senses and want to come back might not be a thought pattern you want to encourage.

Easier said than done I know. I've had those thoughts too. Still do sometimes. My friends helped a lot through some very tough times and managed to keep my mind away from wanting him back. Do you have any close friends you can talk to about it?

Do you want him back? If so, STOP all divorce proceedings. Tell him you have decided you do NOT want to be divorced and will not pursue it. His affair, especially as bad as it has turned out, will not last long. Most younger women pick older men for affairs to get their money. If that's gone, she'll be gone soon. And then you can tell him what it would take for you to be willing to take him back. On YOUR terms!

YOU have the power here. Use it!

Oh, ask the mods to move your thread to Surviving an Affair - you'll get more people there and better help.

I can't stop him from filing without me. Then I will get served and I have 21 days to respond. He wants to file by next week. He doesn't want to reconcile. I have never felt more miserable in my whole life. I have plenty of friends who are my support and I have my family as well. They all think I should just let him have what he wants and let him be d----, including my parents. They all know that I want to save my marriage and get my husband back. My parents are backing me all the way, but they think if I get this divorce that I am protecting myself and that he can come back later on my terms.

You're not allowed to contest the divorce? Are you in the US?

It wouldcost me an arm and a leg and he could get alimony from me because I am an RN and I make good money and he only makes $11/hr now. The courts will look at what I made in the last 3 yrs and I worked a lot of overtime and got a lot of bonuses last year and made three times s much as he did and that was when he was making twice as much as he does now. If I do it uncontested and it is a simple dissolution of marriage then he gets nothing except his truck and his bills and I get the house, my car and my bills and I don't have to pay alimony. His bills are a lot too. He probably only has about $300/month left over after he pays for everything and that includes his gas and lunches for the month. So in a way, he is screwing hisself. Maybe reality will set in a lot faster after the divorce.

BW-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW-26yrs with 2 toddlers
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 21yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009

Have you even seen a lawyer? You can get free 30 minute evaluations, you know.

Have you considered having a phone consult with Dr. Harley?

I believe in saving marriages but in your case, personally, I think you would be better of D. You win financially and lose his baggage. His mind is made up - you would have to work awfully hard and be drained physically and mentally to try to stop him and there's no guarantee it will work. Are you truly up for that? When his relationship crashes (and it will) he'll probably come crawling back to you and then it's up to you.

Gg

Traci, I would have this moved over to Surviving an Affair. Even though you are getting divorced [and I think that might be your best bet to protect yourself financially] you still can save your marriage.

The odds of your marriage reconciling is 65% whereas, the odds of his affair surviving is about 5%. Most affairs [95%] crumble within 2 years. The very traits that make them possible, thoughtlessness, deceit and selfishness eventually destroy the affair.

If I were in your shoes, I would do a darn good Plan A for about a month [showing him your willingness to meet his needs if he ends his affair] and then doing a DARK Plan B, which is complete separation with no contact with him. Go dark just before Christmas - that is the best time to go into Plan B! Plan B protects you from his abuse and it sometimes has the effect of pulling the WS off the fence.

And let me explain how. The OW meets 1-2 of his TOP NEEDS, whereas you meet 3-4 minor needs. If he can contact you at will, he gets a necessary fix that allows him to continue his affair. But, if you go DARK, the bar raises on the OW to meet all those needs. Rarely do they meet that challenge, which causes huge conflict in the affair.

Also, with you out of the picture to demonize, their attention turns to each other. If you read the case study of Sue and Greg in the book Surviving an Affair, this is exaclty what happened to their affair. Once they moved in together, and the BH went into Plan B, the affair crumbled quickly. That may happen in your case too.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Also, you might consider clicking the notify button and asking the mods to move this to the Surviving an Affair forum.

I tried Plan A without knowing it when I discovered the phone calls but he left within 4 weeks. I had no contact with for weeks until he got ugly last week about the divorce and now I have limited contact with him and through emails only that are short and to the point. I am going to give him what he wants and I hope he chokes on it.

I have SAA and His Needs,Her Needs. That is how I found this web site and it has been a God send. I do have a post on Surviving an Affair forum. The original has disappeared since the site went down. Nowthat he wants a divorce and is going for it I came here instead.

I am starting to make peace with myself that this divorce is going to happen no matter what I do or say. I know thathis affair will not last very long and I pray that I have the patience to last as long as I need to and the strength to continue on.

BW-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW-26yrs with 2yr old and 3 yr old
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 21yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009

Then I would say just go ahead with the divorce. You'll probably find you're happier once it's over and he's not jerking you around. You'll probably also find that he comes crawling back once his money runs out and she ditches him for a man WITH money.

At THAT point, if you want him back, you'll be in a great place to set all kinds of conditions. Starting with a pre-nup.

That is what everyone at work tells me to do. To at least protect myself and if and when he comes back then I would be in the driver's seat. Funny thing is he has no money now, but she is probably getting money from her husband. Her husband just filed for divorce in Oct and his family has money including his step-father. It probably hasn't set in yet that she is going to have to struggle real soon. That is the one reason I know it won't work because she is use to having someone take care of her her whole life. She has never been on her own.

Traci,
Start focusing on what you want and move away from their drama. It is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself, physically and mentally.

Gg

Now my WH wants me to refinance the house and my car before we are divorced to get his name off the loans. I have great interest rates right now, but maybe if I refinance the house and add the car and what few other bills I have into it I can come out ahead. Even if the interest rate isn't as great as it is now, maybe in a few years I can refinance at a better a rate and fewer years. Right now my WH thinks he isn't having an affair since we are seperated and going to get a divorce. Boy, is he stupid. He said we are not getting back together even if his relationship doesn't work out. That is what they all say at the beginning and he has been gone for less than 4 months and right now everything is new and rosy.

BW-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs with a 2 and 3yr old
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 21yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009

Hi Traci_S

If you live in a community property state you won't be able to refinance with him on the loan without a "quit claim deed" that he signs. This is a form that he signs saying that he quits any claim to the property or assets that are currently in both names.

Hope this helps.

Hang in there!

Don't do it! Don't do ANYTHING he asks for, because he is wayward. And waywards think of nothing but themselves, so whatever he asks for is to help himself, at YOUR expense. He doesn't CARE if it hurts you because he's justified in his mind that there's something wrong with you, so you deserve it.

Remember, this is NOT your husband! It's an alien in his body, and if he ever gets 'clean' he'll be horrified at what he's doing to you right now.

Haven't heard anything else from my WH on the divorce. For someone who wants it fast he hasn't flled out his paperwork and given me the paperwork we are to fill out together to split our assets. That is the only thing I need to fill out now. I will probably hear from him when I least expect it.

I seem to have these feelings that come over me that let me know when things are goingto be good for me. I have had them happen to me several times over the years and and those have been great years and I have had at least one that let me know that it was going to be a not so good year. Unfortunately I did not have a warning this year. Yesterday as I was thinking about my WH I had this great feeling come over me and a sense of peace and I knew everything was going to be all right in the coming year. This means things will go my way.

BS-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs with a 2 and 3yr old
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 21yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 found cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009

It has been 9 days since I have heard anything from my WH. For someone who wants a divorce as soon as he can get one he sure isn't doing anything. I have already filled out my paperwork including the one we are suppose to fill out together. I want him to fill out the marital settlement agreement first so I can see what he is trying to get before I fill out his copy. It only took me me 30 minutes to fill out all the paperwork and it was easy. I am not going to contact him about this since I never wanted a divorce to begin with.

Last time I heard from him 9 days ago he wrote that I thought he was having an affair and that he was happy. I wanted to laugh and then I almost got a headache trying to figure out how he thought he wasn't having an affair. He also said even if it didn't work out he wasn't coming back home and we weren't reconciling. My Dad said now why would he say that if he wasn't having second thoughts already. I realize they all say they are happy and are not coming back in the beginning and it hasn't even been 4 months yet. I know several women whose husbands said the exact same thing to them and they were back in less than a year. I've decided that I will keep busy with redecorating the house and furthering my education until he decides what he wants because to be truthful, I want my husband back.

BW-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs with a 2 and 3yr old and still married
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 21yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009

Traci, how's it going? I like to follow your thread, as it is very similar to my own story. Are you still feeling better about things? Keep me posted.

I have had such a great day today. I felt like I was on top of the world. I have been so happy for the past 3 days. I was like my old self today. When I got home from work and checked my email I was scared that I would have an email from my WH, but I didn't. It seems everytime I start feeling better he would ruin it but he hasn't so far and I refuse to let him do that anymore. It seems ever since I told him to hurry up and fill out his divorce paperwork and let me me fill out that one form we have to fill out together I haven't heard from him. I also told him that I already had mine filled out and I also told him that I wanted to hurry up and get divorced so I wouldn't have to see or hear from him again. It seems that I have called his bluff. Everyone thinks that he likes having 2 women wanting him and now that he thinks that I don't care he is having 2nd thoughts and doesn't want to have that divorce as much. My father said he must be having second thoughts or he wouldn't have said "even if it doesn't work out" with the OW. Right now all I am worried about is me and he is second. I know that his affair will not last and that when and if he does come back I have to be strong.

BW-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs with a 2 and 3yr old and still married
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 21yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009