D-Day was Friday. I found this site over the weekend and have been reading as much info as possible. But, I just can't seem to process everything at the moment.

We have been married for 23 years and this is so out of character for her. She left Thursday night to go out of town with some of her girlfriends. I got a call Friday afternoon from a woman claiming that my wife was having an affair with her husbaand. I tried to tell her that she was crazy, but she claimed ahe had proof so I gave her my emaill address and she forwarded me copies of emails between her husband and my wife.

I was shocked. I was confused. I was angry. I called my computer guy from work on Saturday and he came by and was able to get into her email where I found hundrds of emails between them. She has yet to answer her cellphone when I try to call her but she is due home tommorrow. I really need to know what to do. There is a part of me that wants to pack up her stuff and throw her out and part of me doesn't want to lose the 25 years we've had together since we met in college.

I can't sleep and I have no idea what I'm going to do when she comes in tommorrow. Can anyone help me?

I am so sorry you are here.

The best thing you can do is calmly confront her with this information and ask her to end her affair. That means ending all contact, even work contact. Ask her to send the OM a no contact letter. She may try to negotiate continued contact ["professional only"] but don't fall for that.

Be calm and don't scream or rant or rave. You will cause her to rethink her actions if you don't attack her.

You don't have to make any decisions about the future of your marriage right now. What it will take to recover this, and it CAN recover if she will end all contact, is a plan to affair proof your marriage and to repair the problems in your marriage.

The best book about adultery is Surviving an Affair because it will help you understand the affair and give you a detailed plan to restore your marriage. You can get it at most bookstores or buy it online here.

The next best thing you could do is get marriage coaching from Marriage Builders. Steve Harley can assess your situation and coach you both through to recovery.

Sorry you are here.

Some must read links:

Requirements for Recovery

How to Survive Infidelity

------------>the most potent weapon you have against the affair------> Exposure

The affair should be exposed to everyone, your children, parents, close family members, pastor, close friends. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure is ruinous. Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer and is called "the start of recovery" by Dr Harley. It is the most powerful weapon you have if you want to save your marriage.

Have this letter in your pocket and ask her to send it to the OM. Use this as a suggestion. It should be written together and mailed by you.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Dr. Harley: My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

You've gotten good advice from ML and the others. I'd like to add to that by suggesting you make copies of those e-mails - they are likely to disappear right after you confront, and they're likely to come in handy if things "go south".

Definitely make copies, as suggested and start th exposure asap.
And, take some time to really delve into whether this is the type of betrayal that you can get past. It will take some real soul searching. the vast majority of people cannot get past this, so, if you find you are among them , do not feel badly. It is not a personal failing. It is a decison many folks make and they are good forgiving folks. Sometimes, the crack in the foundation is just too big. That is your wife's doing.

fitnut,

""She left Thursday night to go out of town with some of her girlfriends.""

May I suggest checking with the girlfriends to see if they accompanied your wife to where ever?

This could be a very good reason she is not answering her phone. Or the OM has tipped her off that his wife spilled the beans.

Has she arrived home yet??

kirk

Hoping this poor man is holding strong.

same.

Thanks to all of you who have posted to me. To say I�m overwhelmed would be an understatement. But, you guys have given me a lot of things to think about and a lot of things to check out. I am fairly new to this whole message board thing so bear with me.

Thanks to someone�s suggestion, I have downloaded all of her emails with her boyfriend onto a thumb drive and locked it in the safe in my office. I haven�t had time to read all of them and I�m not sure yet if I want to. I have read enough to know that this affair has been physical since at least late August. Their first emails date back to the middle of July so I don�t know if that�s when it started or if that�s just where the trail begins.

The strange thing is that we have been very �physical� during this same time period. Is this normal? I am sickened at the thought that she was sleeping with both of us in the same time frame. My imagination has kicked into overdrive and I can�t get the question out of my mind of did she sleep with us both on the same day? The other thing I�m afraid of is finding out that she brought that lying piece of crap into my home.

Someone also suggested that she may have spent the weekend with OM( I assume this stands for other man�. I have checked with one of her friend�s husband who is a friend of mine and he talked to his wife and she gave him the impression that my wife was with her. But, I did go online and check her credit card and I found someone unusual things. They all supposedly left Thursday after work and were returning home tonight. But I saw a gas charge on her card from in town on Friday morning and a restaurant charge from near the lake where they are staying on Friday night. I�m thinking that she was with him Thursday night and met her friends at the lake on Friday.

I am trying to get my emotions in check before she gets home. I am afraid my temper will get the best of me. I have printed a number of the emails so that if she starts denying I can throw the facts in her face. This may be too much, but I moved all of her clothes to the guest room in the basement today. I can barely stomach being in the same house with her much less the same room.

Finally, several have mentioned exposing her affair to others. I have been trying to think of everyone I could expose this to, but I really need to hold of on that until I talk to her and then if I do expose her to everyone I really need to talk to my kids first. The oldest 2 are away at college and I hate to drop this on them over the phone but I guess I may not have a choice. I am also struggling with my motivation to expose. At the moment I would love to do it just to make her hurt like I do. But, if I decide to try to work things out I�m afraid that it might all blow up in my face.

Thanks again and everyone please wish me luck tonight.

Exposure is a great tool to end As. It tends to blow up the fantasy world of the A very quickly. I suggest that you seriously consider using it, whether or not you want to try recovering your M at the moment (your feelings may change on that subject).

You may be tempted to expose just a little, or worse, use it as a "threat" to get your WW in line. I suggest not taking either of these approaches, as they can backfire and make things a lot worse.

My guess is she already knows you know.

If OMW knows, then OM has already warned your WW.

If there is any chance that you want to save this M, you need to get control of yourself.

If you think you'll go off on her, remove yourself from the sitch.

Also, I wouldn't let her know about the e-mails b/c you'll want to keep an eye on what she does on-line when she gets home.

And don't tell her about this place.

Good luck. Many are praying for you tonight.

I would do a full exposure. Tell WW parents and her siblings and your children.

No matter what your WW may say or do upon confrontation, do not warn her about exposure. Just do it.

Don't wait for confronting WW to expose. Do it now.

Exposure is critical!! Especially to your kids! Yes, your WW will be very angry but your marriage can survive anger. It cannot survive an active affair!

Fitnut,
What's your update? How did it go?

Gg

At the moment, I�m having a hard time seeing through the anger so I hope someone can help me get a little perspective on all of this crap. Here�s a brief replay from last night.

She came home around 10:00PM and didn�t want to talk because she was �too tired�

I insisted and asked if she was giving an affair.

She was �appalled� that I would suggest such a thing.

When I asked about OM by name she claimed 1)they were just friends, 2)his wife was crazy, jealous, & imagining things, and 3) who was I going to believe, my wife or some crazy woman.

I threw copies of her emails on the table and asked if she could explain those if she wasn�t having an affair.

As she flipped through the emails, her face actually went pale and she started stammering � It�s not what it seems� and �I can explain everything.�

At this point I pretty much lost it and said a lot of things I�ll probably regret later, but not so much at the moment. I then told her to reread them carefully before she started spouting any more lies. Then I told her I was too angry to talk any more at the moment and that she would find all of her stuff moved to the guest room in the basement.

Before she got home last night, I also called my 2 oldest boys and told them what was going on and sat my youngest down and told him. I don�t know if she�s talked to them today or not, but for her own sake I hope not because they were almost as pi55ed as I am.

I�m really at a loss as to what to do next. I�m still torn between throwing all of her stuff out in the street and telling her to get lost and swallowing my pride and giving her one more chance. It may be a moot point, because I don�t even know if she wants to stay in the marriage. I did order SAA today. Hopefully when it gets here it will give me a little perspective. At this point I�m pretty much open to any help I can get because I feel totally lost.

Fitnut,
Don't feel guilty for getting angry - we all have been there. I'm glad you told your kids before your WW had an opportunity to skew it her way. Good for you - putting her in another room. You're going to find it difficult to Plan A right now because your in the middle of discovering the mess your WW has created. Take some time, sort your feelings out. Do not leave your house and do not let her take the kids from their home. You may want to do a phone consult with Dr. Harley. I wish I knew about him after Dday when I was as angry as you.

Gg

Nice work on the exposure. I would bet her mind is working overtime trying to come up with what she will consider plausible lies.
Rest assured, you have this right and don't accept any BS "explanations".
If you do decide to try to stay together, others can help you with implementation of these recovery plans. Just try, as difficult as it may be, to get a handle on whether this is what you really want to do.
I've read that men, in particular, often have a knee jerk reaction to this, born out of fear of being alone and the unknown, as well as a sense of competition with the OM. The initial reaction is to cling to the marriage at all costs because of this.
But, one researcher whose work i read, had folloowed up with men who stayed about 1-2 years after discovery. This researcher claimed that , just about unanimously, the men regretted it.
Your first course of action, regardless is to break up the affair. Obviously, you do not want this guy to be involved with your kids, regardless of whether you decide to stay. And, your wife deserves the negative consequence associated with this type of betrayal. Even if you decide to leave, these consequences may motivate her to get help, as she is a broken person, IMO.
So, crank up the exposure. She may be a walking incubator for STDs , as well. So, take precautions and get tested. She has placed you ate severe risk, healthwise.

fitnut, hang in there and keep us posted. You are doing good, just please don't act on your anger.

It must have been incredibly painful to experience your WW telling you something like that, with you knowing that she was lying at the time.