I wouldn't say that my FWW did squat. More like she basically did what she thought was right and applied MB selectively.

To be honest, I sometimes wonder if anything she did for "recovery" would have been enough. She specifically promised me that she wouldn't cheat, and I think perhaps I built a bit too much on that promise.

At the moment we're not having SF. I'm not interested and she doesn't seem that concerned. A bad sign. We're also drifting into pre-A behaviour. Another bad sign. This time I'm not waiting around until things go really south however. I'm planning for what seems to be inevitable.

Be selfish, very selfish, otherwise you will lose everything.

Start moving assets immediately, slowly.

For your exw's, presumably, right?

Pariah: As clarification, my last comment was more in response to Dude, when he stated that if someone dropped 20 million dollars into his lap, he would strike the word Betrayed from his vocabulary and pretend that nothing ever happened. I wasn't referring to you or your situation at all. I'm very sorry that you lost so much $$$ because of your WS's actions. I don't think that was fair at all.

Physical Gold/Silver....DUDE

I am very new to MB and all - but Zelmos original suggestion would only work for BS who have no wish for recovery...but for couples wishing to save their marriage it would have the negative affect.

But - if the goal is recovery then getting a second job to pay of said debt would take away from the the 12 - 15 hours of undivided attention you are supposed to spend together and the additional 12 - 15 hours of UA with the kids. I work a full time job - all my money goes to our joint account to pay for the cost of living (home, food - etc) - the only $ i have is what my H gives me for coffee in the AM.

I have hear a suggested monetary compensation from people on this site before. It wont change what happened... And we arent talking about a car accident where the person who hit your car pays you $$...this is more like suing an insurance company for not providing your children who has leukimia with medicine that could save them (famouse movie with ben affleck in it)...at the end - the parents lose their kid and get a big payout - but i dont think it does much to ease the pain of losing the child. So to - I hand my H a big check and say - sorry honey - heres some money for me ripping your would apart and ruining your life...i think I might have to remove his hands from my lungs because he jammed them down my throat.

The idea the you can hand over some $$ and make it all okay seems very american and at the same time - very against MB principles...Its along the lines of a child molester paying off their victem and a rich dudes son raping a girl and paying her off. but i could be wrong - i am very new here.

I think if you are for restoring your marriage - $$ compensation would be an insult...and if you dont want to...get a D and walk away...the best revenge is living life well - happy - without that person. Just my guess.

Yeah, I can see that. But, why, on the other hand, should $$ that could be devoted to the family inother areas, now have to be siphoned off to fund counseling or antidepressants or other things needed by the BS to recover? I mean wouldn't it make sense for the WS to find some way to earn more $$ so as to defray these costs? It would not neccesarrily mean cutting into alone time. Perhaps the WS could forgoe some sleep for a few years, or discontinue a hobby and find ways to earn $$.
Restitution need not be perfect. And, as i have said, it is the willingness to undertake restitution that seems most important.
I don't know. It just strikes me as really unbalanced that WSs get to have these fun escapades, the thrills,etc., and the Bs gets zip.
Tell me , Sis, as a WS don't you want your husband's years here on this planet to contain an equal amount of pleasurable expieriences as yours? Isn't he entitled to a commensurate amount of pleasure as you had, albeit in a morally acceptable activity?
Where is the harm in that? It is not punitive, except to the extent it requires some additional effort by the Ws to come up with the funds or whatever other currency acceptable to the Bs.
And, as I originally mentioned, some feel the WS derives a benefit, as well, in the sense that he or she has done something tangible to get a debt of his/her back.

What about mental anguish, pain and suffering...People sue for that, I dont understand why a BS cant. To me a WS is acting wrecklessly and intentionally against their marriage...which IS a contract...

I think it would be fair after the divorce, if the BS and their children would get just compensation for the suffering they have been put through by the WS...Maybe more people would try and work on their marriage before they leave instead of cheating, ripping their family to shreds and Then leaving.

It would not take away the pain, just like sending a murderer to jail doesnt take away any pain. It is justice for willingly and knowingly causing pain to other people...

I mean I could think of other ways for justice i wouldnt mind, but I dont think they are legal..

You have zero idea of what you are talking about and downplaying the damage.

Did some superficial research and the tort theories appear to have some acceptance. Can't remeber the exact elements , other than some fairly outrageous behavior designed or , at least, reasonably expected to cause emotional distress. Quntifying the dmages, particularly if one has a diagnosis, like PTSd should not be a problem. And, of course, the more egregious the conduct ,the hgher the potential punitive damages.
There'd be some serious mudslinging in one of these babies, though. Best to be relatively squeaky clean if you are contemplating bringing an action.

Yeah, wouldnt that be great...to good to be true though...It just might be enough for me to see the look on WH,s face when he got hit with the lawsuit...Ahhhh, priceless..

See there it is right there in bold. One never can strike the word Betrayed from their vocabulary, regardless of money, restitution, divorce or recovery. There are no FBS's. Once a BS, always a BS. Even when you are an ex, you are still, and always will be betrayed. We are scarred by it forever, regardless of where life takes us next.

Yeah, I think being a BS changes something in your soul forever...I will never have that deep trust again that I had for H...No one will ever get that trust from me again..No one..

There is a great deal of truth in this statement, and perhaps that is the saddest part about an A.

I have to admit, that after being lied to literally more times than I can count over a 10 year period, that no, I probably won't ever trust my H 100%. I still question things. I still wonder if there are things I don't know.

I asked my H last night if he thought we would ever hear from his ex-girlfriend again (another NC letter was sent in early Sept. because she'd sent him an email) and he said, based on past experience, that yes, we probably would. I've been married to this man for 16 years, and she has been a part of every minute of that experience. I don't know if I'll ever truly be rid of her. I've often wondered what my M could have been had there never been a third party in it in the first place. It makes me sad that I'll never know.

I believe that my H loves me. I believe that, for him, this A really is over. I believe that my H really would like this person to go away forever. But I have a hard time believing it will ever really happen. She's disappeared and come back far too many times for me to ever let down my guard again.

Hi Zelmo,

I wanted to reply earlier.

Lets look at restitution: Restitution is about paying them back according to their deed. Here the principle is an eye for an eye against the deed. In most cases, this is not possible in the case of an affair. The closest may be a revenge affair against your partner though it would more likely dissolve your relationship.

Then what about "just compensation": There are enough voices on this thread that would decry this principal and your own comment for monetary reward hankers back to restitution in a legal system that cannot supply -you wish revenge.
Pr6:32 says the following:

But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment;
whoever does so destroys himself.
Blows and disgrace are his lot,
and his shame will never be wiped away;
for jealousy arouses a husbands fury,
ans he will show no mercy when he takes revenge.
He will not accept any compensation;
he will refuse the bribe,
however great it is.

There is a third option -restorative justice. The point of the option is for the perpetrator to understand the damage to the victim and restore their relationship. I think that proper exposure may place the WS in a similar place of separation from their friends as the BS was with WS during the affair.

I am sorry that Biblical standards have been compromised. It would be well that the option of stoning for adultery still existed (Writer would have been blessed with a man like Joseph). Restitution would be exacted by God Himself in the following of his law.

I trust everyone/anyone?! Maybe my soul wasn't sapped...IDK...DUDE

Oh, your soul was sapped, DUDE.....


Okay...Im just kiddin....

I think I had some SERIOUS wayward tendencies anyway, but somehow kept them subdued til after fwxw tripped off-line. I am the worst betrayed spouse a wayward could possibly have cheated on. DUDE

No, imagine. I am not talking about the BS paying the WS back for his or her deed. I am talking about the WS making reparations. I realize the payments may not be identical. But, the Bs could decide what he or she considers adequate.
It's not about revenge. It is about some measure of fundamental fairness, the opportunity for the BS to expierience an equivalent(to the extent possible) measure of pleasure, as the WS did.
It just makes so much sense to me. My morals do not allow me to have the same type of sexual pleasure my wife did outside the marriage.But, I could have fun in other areas, playing some great golf courses on her dime. what would be the objection to that. It would wash away some, if not all, of the resentment. It would be a gift to the Ws as it affords an opportunity to make things right.