My WH and I have begun R however, I am still snooping to make sure there is NC and to make sure this is not a FR. However, I am having a problem with radical honesty and snooping. What do I say if he asks if I'm tracking/recording him still? I hate to lie to him but I really need to do this for a while so that I can start to believe the things his says and verify he is where he says he is.

I totally get what you are asking.

Ethics are a biggie for those of us who were betrayed. I do think that revealing it would not be in your best interest or the marriage's best interest.
If he asks (cause he is aware you were doing it) about it....hmmmm....not sure what the right thing to do is.

Certainly, you don't want to jeopardize a way to verify.

I wonder about this too and hope there are some good answers to follow!

Welcome to MB, c4.

Please tell us something about your marriage and the affairs.

From your signature line, you have been married only 4 years, have 3 children and your H has been involved with 3 OW. That is a lot to have happened in a short marriage.

Who were the OW? Did or does he work with them? How did you find out about the affairs? HOw long did they last? What happened on each D Day? What made you think that each affair was over? Why did you file for divorce and then withdraw the petition?

You are worrying prematurely about radical honesty. What makes you feel that your H deserves your trust and honesty so soon after a 3rd affair in four years? Be careful about this, because while you might be trying to do MB, he might be using your radical honesty to stay one step ahead of you while continuing his affair.

Tell him you have a don't ask/don't tell policy. Just tell him , in light of what he has done, he has no standing to make further inquiry into this area nd you will not be discussing this in the future. Nothing dishonest about that. If he does not like it, tough.

Radical honesty is for RECOVERY, not before when you can't trust this person. If you use RH to undermine all of your methods to protect yourself, you will endanger yourself.

If he asks you if you are snooping, tell him you won't answer that question until complete and total trust is restored. Tell him as long as he is doing nothing wrong, he won't have anything to worry about.

Secondly, only a spouse that is HIDING something is going to care anyway. My H has NEVER ASKED ME that. I suspect he is asking hoping that you will feel obliged to give away your snooping secrets so he can better hide. I CAN THING OF NO OTHER REASON TO EVEN ASK!

Thanks so much for your posts. I posted my story before but it got lost. In a nutshell, he had 2 other affairs; from what I can tell they were not very involved and stopped on DD, although I did not expose them. After we had our children he swore up and down that he would never cheat again, wouldn't do that to our family, yada, yada. The last several months of our marriage have been very bad, though it was never all that great in hindsight. The morning I found out about the latest affair (heard him tell her that she was the greatest love of his life) I filed for divorce (yes, I know, a little impulsive, but I knew I had to do something radical immediately). Several days later I found MB.

I began doing Plan A, counseling with Steve Harley (my husband also had sessions with him), he finally wrote a NC letter. However, he continued to go back to her when we would have an arguement (I didn't do so well with no lovebusters). He finally cut contact with her about 3 weeks ago (I've been snooping and haven't found anything). We went to a marriage retreat a week ago which really helped us to be able to communicate better and we are getting along better.

HOWEVER....I still feel and realize from your posts, he is still in a fog. I think he still feels entitled. He does not like to see me upset or in pain about the affair and the lies he told, and gets frustrated. Although he has told me he is sorry, I don't feel any remorse on his part.

Sorry this is so long. It helps to be able to share this with people who understand.

c4, your first duty is to protect yourself and your children. Your WH abused and destroyed your trust by lying and cheating. Since he's made it clear that he is not going to protect you - well, that leaves you, doesn't it?

If he wants your trust again, he can EARN it. It is no longer free. If he gets nasty and belligerent about that idea, well, he just gave you all the answer you need.
Mulan

If your WH asks you about snooping, tell him to google (better yet, do it with him) 'spying tools' to show him whats out there. Tell him you may or may not employ any one of those methods to rebuild your M. Snooping is NOT punishment, and your WH should give you unfettered access to everything he has that is password protected or was formerly off-limits to you: phone records, bank statements, online records or email accounts (including work, etc.)
I'd also suggest the two of you establish some ground rules for 'fair fighting' because there will be some tense times ahead of you while you rebuild. And I would suggest,among other things, that NO ONE LEAVES!! Your WH may be manipulating you into a fight to give him a 'reason' to leave so he can get his OW fix.

Did/does OW work with your H? Exposure may be necessary. They can't have NC if they work together. It just doesn't work.

And mainly, keep reading here. This site will help your M.

I'm sorry to contradict, but you must not talk to him about snooping, especially not to show him what tools are on the market. If you do that it is no longer "snooping"; snooping by its nature has to be done in secret. If you let him know what you might do, or are doing, and he is still in contact in any way, he will hide the contact route and show you openness on the surface.

If you read the many stories about false recovery on this board - there is a new thread about this from armymama today - you will see how normal it is for contact to continue and how secretive you must be if you are to discover it. You must stay ahead of his game, if he is playing one. Do not talk about anything.

True, Sugar - my bad :::briskly slapping wrist::: I was just thinking about the time my FWH found the VAR that I hadn't installed in his car yet. He asked what it was for, and I told him it was something I was considering using if I felt the need. That was when I said "You wouldn't believe the ways people can be tracked. The only thing I haven't seen is a tool to read your mind, and I think they're working on that."

Hi bliss,

Did you ever use the VAR? Did you ever worry that you had tipped off H about its existence?

I used one a two or three times, and heard one angry phone call from WH asking OW to leave him alone.

After I exposed months later, I realised that OWH was relaying the information in all my calls and emails back to his wife. He was enjoying making her feel bad about how she had behaved, but he did not realise that he was blabbing all my spying tips. I was really angry and stopped speaking to him.

I initially put it in my car to try to figure out where to place it for the best recording, but it was cheap and didn't record very well. (Note to BS buying VARs: Get the good one.)
I never worried about FWH knowing about its existence. By then, exposure was complete, the A had ended, the OW had quit her job and left the company, OWH was literally not allowing her out of his sight (he was laid off), and there was all of the emotion of coming out of the fog - remorse, complete disclosure, O&H, total transparency, etc. I bought it to make myself feel better, KWIM? AND (big 'and'), my confidence in my ability to know what was going on in my/our life had taken a huge hit. I had to rebuild my trust in myself to know that I was protecting myself, and buying the VAR helped.Does that make any sense? The fact that he knew it existed, that I was ready to install it, and that I had access to other spying weaponry & wasn't afraid to use it went a long way with him. He always banked on my blind trust in him to cover his butt. No trust = no cover.
I've got to stress, though, to other BSs who are in a different place of healing: Sugar is right - DO NOT expose your snooping tools.
I hope this all makes sense - just got diagnosed with pneumonia and I'm a little foggy - medically speaking, of course.

Pneumonia can be very nasty. I do hope you recovery soon.

Please be sure to tell us when the mind-reading equipment goes on sale.

You got it, sister!