My story:

Married 30 years, no kids.
Wife�s EA started 2005, turned PA August 2007
Dday March 2009
Plan A until Sept 2009; gave her Plan B letter
WW moved in with OM day after. Said she didn�t think it would last, but she owed it to herself to check it out.

I hope it will fizzle out like most affairs and we can try reconciling, but that�s not up to me. I think I�ve come to accept that, and am preparing myself for whatever may come. I don�t want a divorce at this point, but it�s something I think about. I�ve got a couple questions that I hope anyone that cares to will answer.

1. Were you able to encourage your spouse to end the affair by filing for divorce?

2. If your spouse continued the affair, with no end in sight, but didn�t want to end the marriage, how did you know it was time to divorce so you could move on, even though you didn�t want to?

Plan B prepares you for life without your spouse, and visa versa.

Plan B at least a year.

My understanding of Plan B is to remove yourself from the turmoil so you can heal, so you are ready to either reconcile or move on, and I am doing that. A year seems like a reasonable milestone. My questions are aimed at how to proceed when you arrive at whatever milestone you set, be it a year or whatever.

It must be very difficult to face a situation where your partner of 30 years has basically decided to test a relationship with another man while keeping you around as a backup.

Frankly, given that situation, I would likely immediately progress to Plan D so my life, and opportunities to find someone else, are not placed "on hold" while my WW goes off on her experiment.

But this is your life, and you really need to decide what's best for you in this situation. I would suggest starting by really asking yourself if it would be possible to restart and have a fulfilling relationship with someone that basically treated you as the fall-back guy.

How old are you both, BTW? Any previous history of infidelity during your time together?

Pianoman, welcome to MB. To respond to your question, you won't know how to proceed when you reach that milestone until you reach it.

A lot can happen in a year.

You should:
1)Keep dark, dark, dark, both to show WW what it is like without you AND to protect yourself from the emotional abuse of her affair.

2)Take care of yourself, work on yourself and do as many positive things for yourself and your remaining family and friends as you can.

You should NOT:
Date anyone else. You are still married.

Did you send a Plan B letter, outlining what you need from your WW in order for your marriage to succeed?

After a year, you will know by her actions and your emotional state whether you feel ready to file for divorce or whether you want to wait it out longer.

Of course, she could shock you and file for D herself. You must be prepared for most any kind of outcome in a situation like this.

Hang in there and let us help you through your Plan B. There are many here who will do that.
Mulan

It is very difficult to be the fall back guy, but I still love her. At this point I think I can forgive her if she ends the affair; we'll see how I feel in a year. As to restarting the relationship, again I'm willing at this point - but it takes two to make a relationship.

I'm in a very dark Plan B. I did give her a letter, telling her that I could not continue our relationship until she totally removed the OM from her life.

I'm curious if anyone else has filed for divorce not because they want to, but as an attempt to jolt their spouse out of the fog and back to reality - and if that was a successful tactic.

Some here have filed for D in order to protect themselves and/or to be able to implement Plan B but I don't know if anyone has done it with the sole purpose of jolting their spouse. When it has happened for the former reasons, sometimes the WS was jolted and sometimes not. Perhaps someone with this experience or a better memory than me can chime in.

My gut feeling (that and 50 cents will get you a cup of coffee) is that such a tactic would be somewhat manipulative and it could easily backfire. If you did manage to jolt her, how can you be sure she wouldn't begin cake eating? If you are executing a dark Plan B, her life should be proceeding as if she were divorced, including all the downsides to it. You don't know what's going on with her right now (if you are truly dark) so any presumptions you make about her are not fully grounded. For all you know, the fog may already be starting to clear.

Don't worry about divorce until you either need to (protect finances) or feel pretty sure you don't want your WW back.

I know it would be a manipulative tactic, but then so was the exposure during Plan A. That was not enough of a jolt. She "tried" to end the affair a couple times soon after DD, but is so addicted and fogged that she was not able to, and was happy to be a cake eater, and might be still if Plan B didn't put a stop to it.

If it were to jolt her, she knows that there is only one condition I have for coming out of Plan B and trying to reconcile, and that is true NC - which precludes cake eating.

Thinking about plan D is natural. We are human after all!

Plan B though is the logical thing to do.

What is the rush of plan D? To find a new mate? No matter how lonely we are for affection and connection we have to work through our issues with our spouses. Our issues of feeling the need for them, missing their presence in our homes and lives.

YK?

Plan B is a journey. A journey with no certain end other than being the best WE can be...for us.

Plan D as a way to jolt out a wayward wouldn't work. People who don't do the MB plan, file for D all the time and move on. Their waywards think....okay....the marriage was no big deal. I am bummed but will move forward. No matter how precious the marriage once was. It doesn't do anything but convince the wayward that they were right to cheat (just my 2 cents here).

Anyway. Plan A exposure isn't for manipulation but for jolting the fantasy land of waywards into the real world. To deal with the situation they created in a bubble.

How is exposure manipulating? It is telling the truth. Not exposing is more manipulative than exposing.

I'm not in any rush to be divorced. Filing for divorce is just the first step in the process, and I'm not even ready to do that yet. I'm going to be in Plan B for a while, unless my wife does something to change that.

I was not using "manipulate" in the pejorative sense - which is changing or controlling a situation to try to obtain an unfair advantage. I was using it to mean a change to serve one's (fair)purpose. Doing something in hopes of jolting a wayward into the real world, whether through exposure of filing for divorce is that kind of manipulation.

We're likely splitting hairs but I see the term "manipulation" in a negative light. That you want to file for D to provoke your WW into ending your affair so that you can ultimately recover your marriage - to me is manipulation. I.e. you are taking an action to indirectly steer events into an opposite result. Exposure has no such alterior motive to it. You are telling the truth and asking for help. The wayward already has the unfair advantage in that they've been hiding the adultery all this time.

"...taking an action to indirectly steer events into an opposite result"

That's exactly what exposure is intended to do. Yes, it's telling the truth, yes, it's asking for help, but that's not all- it's done with the hope of disrupting the fantasy of the affair and getting it to stop.

I'm not planning on filing - just exploring.

When you are ready for plan D, you'll know it. In the meantime, keep dark.

PianoMan,

I wanted to point out that filing for D, or even getting D, does not mean you can't have a relationship in the future. I think you should file with the full intention of following through. If she wants to get you back then she will have to come to you and get you to either halt the D or consider a new relationship with her.

To my mind, being willing to sit as the backup guy is humiliating. She will not see you as valuable unless you see yourself that way.

Should do a plan B then wait one year then re evaluate your situation.

At some point you may seek counsel with the Harley's on ending plan B and going plan D. They may suggest a shorter or longer plan B.

The point is take your time to decide what you want then do it.

The thing is you want a divorce then get one. No one will fault you when you decide to call it quits.

Some WW's have been woken up when their BH filed for divorce. For some WW's being faced with divorce did nothing to defog them.

I think your filing may wake up WW because she will not file on her own. She needs you as a backup plan.

WW may also want you to file so she can say you divorced her.

Give the Harley's a call, they may have advice that can end this sooner then you can get there on your own.

I agree...PLAN D!!

Lots of different views - and all valid. There is no "one size fits all" solution.

My gut instinct tells me to Plan B as long as I can stand it. Any initiation of reconciliation will be of her own volition.

But - some people are intrinsically motivated to behave in an appropriate manner. Others behave appropriately only when the pain of the consequences of inappropriate behavior outweighs the pleasure of the behavior. Do I want a relationship with someone that it motivated only by avoiding consequences? Or is this condition temporary that can be "fixed" by a crisis?

Sometimes people change only when they reach a crisis point - which is different from person to person. Will an impending divorce be a crisis point for my wife? I guess the only way to know is to try - but the divorce process extracts a huge financial and emotional toll. Is it worth it?

Something to think about - question is how long.

Pianoman, what are your living and financial arrangements now? You aren't still supporting her, are you? In Plan B, you should be living and treating her as though you are already divorced. You should not be a part of her life in any way, nor should she be a part of yours. The only exception to this is in regards to children, and even then all communication should be handled by an IM. All CS/SS/alimony or any other form of financial assistance one of you gives the other should either be preagreed upon, court-ordered, or in the process of being fought over. Same for assets. And any of this that's in dispute should be handled by the lawyers only.

I live in the marital home. She lives with the OM. I do not support her financially - but that is not a problem for her, she has a significant income. We have no children. We do not communicate. If it comes to it, dividing assets would be complex even if amicable.